To find my friend a bit....eccentric

[lionindistress]

I have a very good friend of mine who I have known for the years now. No issues there but she does things which may be considered odd to others and don't know if I should talk to her about this- as some friends within our friendship group have noticed this and finding it a bit too......not much... but a bit odd and to the point where it's not funny anymore. Here are a few examples (we are all in our 20's by the way)

1. After inviting her to stay over in my flat. We watched a late movie and she slept in one of the bedrooms. In the middle of the night (about 3-4am) I woke up to get a glass of water (had am itchy throat) and I just see that her room light is on. Not wanting to waste electricity. I switched this off and went back to the bed and thought maybe she was so exhausted to bother turning the light off. But when I woke up at 7am to get ready for work- I noticed that the light was back on again.

Anyway, in the morning for breakfast, I joked and said that I noticed you had your light on and I switched it off. She then replied and said that she prefer sleeping with the light on as growing up, she was always afraid of the dark and her whole family sleeps with the light on and it's only now that she tolerates sleeping with a light lamp. So everytime she stays over at mine, or other friends places, she has to have a light on when sleeping,

2. She is habitually late and makes some odd requests. For example, when we set up a time for all of us to meet together. We will say things like - "ok let's meet at 4pm" she will always pop up and say "let's meet at 4.05"- and when we ask her why, she relies that it will give her 5 minutes extra time incase she's late....... she also does this when we say "3.30" and she wants to meet at "3.38).

3. Her and our other friend were going out somewhere and they were taking the bus somewhere to a particular place where she wanted to go. My friend (the one who I'm writing about) offered her seat to an elderly person on the bus and when the elderly person reused she insisted and said "don't worry, we are getting off the next stop". Anyway, our friend and this friend, proceeded to get off the next stop and they were walking for about 15 minutes until our friend said "Hey X, where is this place? We could have got off at a nearer bus stop". The friend (who I'm talking about) replied "I know- but I told the elderly person that we were getting off the next stop and I didn't want to feel stupid and stay on the bus thinking that what I said wasn't true".

4. Can be very very private- particularly at work. She often tells me that you can't trust everyone and that I need to be careful who I share things too as they can use it against you.

There are a few other things. But other than that, she is funny, a very good friend, but we are not sure if we should have a discussion about some of the things she does...

She sounds quite intriguing OP. Wish I had a friend this exciting and mysterious. Most of my friends are boring old plums, with no sense of humour and bitter as a lemon. Don't take these comments too harshly OP, Mumsnet can be quite brutal, I think they are just simply saying you have a good friend, don't mention her quirks, accept them and move on. From what you have said, she appears very sweet and caring.

Also OP, My close friend sleeps with the light on and we are mid twenties. She has severe paranoia of the dark and it all started from an abusive relationship. Obviously it's unlikely to have anything to do with that, but you don't know what she could have gone through to warrant the light (or she might just like the light on)

She sounds lovely. No discussion needed.

OP, distance yourself. Not because anyone is bad here, but you find her annoying and it’s not fair to her to have you be a “friend.”

if she’s always late I’d talk with her about it or when she says 3:05 instead of 3 I’d ask her if she needed more time?

I just don’t feel you’re being a very good friend. She’s right to be guarded, I’m sure she’s been hurt before. Depending on what you want, you might try to accept and be a REAL friend to her. Or not, up to you.

just don’t be a false friend talking shit about her with the others… even if you disguise it as concern. Those types end up later in life with lots of fake friends.

Quirky is good. Being selfish is bad and she sounds quirky and not at all selfish. Yes the song playing 30 times might be a bit ott but the solution is ear pods and maybe investing in some cheap but pretty night lights (plenty of battery lights around at the minute) for her to keep on if she stays over.

I have a friend who can't hear out of one ear so there's a bit of chair hopping when she joins us for coffee. We accommodate our friends and their needs.

I sort of love quirky people they're interesting not mundane and her thoughtfulness could teach us all something about thinking of others. Maybe try to think/appreciate her in a new way.

when we have gatherings, which of course involves music, she would want the same (favourite song) to be played over and over and over and over again....are you telling me that no one will find this a bit selfish?

Yes, that's odd. But easily dealt with. "I know you like this song, but you're not being fair on the rest of us. It's now our turn to have our choices of music"

There's no need for a general group discussion with her about her quirks. You deal with them as individuals as and when they affect you.

If I'd been with her on the bus, I'd simply have said "Well it's all very well you being kind to that woman, but you've made me have an extra fifteen minute walk, so that wasn't a very kind thing to do to me"

OP - this is seriously unlike me to be so judgemental but based purely on the info you present, you honestly sound much odder than your friend.

She sounds very sweet with a few innocent or well meaning quirks. You however are the one listing trivial things she has done in unusual depth like they are crimes & asking strangers if you should have a discussion with her about her personality.

Do you usually have discussions with your friends about your concerns based on the essence of who they are? What would you hope to achieve? Why is it any of your business? Do people often challenge you on your personality ‘quirks’?

There are some things that could be behind your friend's little quirks, but with your lack of maturity, I don't think it's appropriate to say them here.
Your friend sounds kind, thoughtful and sweet. I hope you grow more accepting of her small differences and that you learn from her. Be worthy of her friendship as well as others who are more like yourself.
And remember to stop people from saying unkind things or putting her down. Even if she's not there to hear them.

I don’t think she’s so particular eccentric. The rest of you probably are very typical ( I don’t meant any offence by the way, it’s great but means you are different from her)
Lights thing is ok. Some people do afraid of dark. I get that you care about cost of electricity, now you know about her habit so don’t invite her to stay with you.
Being late is not good but some people are not good at planning, she probably tries different approaches how to cope with her lateness.
Bus thing is a bit odd but maybe she’s told this without realising and then followed it through.
Privacy- Very normal, and very wise, I’m with her. Why should you know everything about her life?

Your friend sounds like me, I have Asperger’s. The fixation on particular songs is common trait.

YABBVVVVU

😉 I wasn't going to mention that she might not be neurotypical, because OP might not be mature enough to handle it discreetly. 😊

She sounds like me LOL. I have to have a night light on if I'm ever on my own. I like to play songs over and over too- since childhood really.
Just sounds like you don't understand her.
If it bothers you, either let her find some new friends or have a word with yourself and accept her.

She’s your friend, your ‘very good friend’ according to you - if you want to distance yourself from her then just own if rather than try and blame it on quirky things you don’t like about her.

In the grand scheme of things they're pretty minor eccentricities. Leave her be. Good friends are hard to find. Cherish her quirks.

She doesn’t sound eccentric. Nothing wrong with being private. I totally get the needing a light on when youre not at home

Yup

You and your friends sound far more strange than she does tbh. What do you mean have a discussion? Like an intervention? or to tell her to stop doing these things or what? Very odd.

The light being on isn't in any way odd or eccentric. If my friend kept the light on I'd think nothing of it. It's beyond bizarre that you went into her room, turned it off, and then questioned her about it the next morning after seeing she turned it back on. At that point would you not have just come to the very obvious conclusion that she likes to sleep with the light on?

She sounds fine to me.

Do you think it's possible your friend has a form of OCD? I have a friend with OCD and a lot of these behaviours are similar to things my friend struggles with. The lateness is one of them and it's a huge thing for her, but it's part of the OCD. The need for familiar songs, or for things she's said (on the bus) to follow through.

You sound like a terrible "friend".

If she's always late, arrange a time with everyone else but tell her you are meeting 30 mins earlier. That way she'll be on time.

The playing the same song example, just tell her no, everyone else is sick of said song

I can’t help wondering what ‘quirks’ you may have which the ‘friendship’ group discuss when you’re not there…
Do give your head a shake, everyone is different and has different foibles, this is what makes as human, imperfect but unique.
She sounds quite nice and caring.

There’s no discussion needed. don’t break this girls spirit unnecessarily. Not everyone can sleep in the dark, she’s quirky and unique, she’s right about being private because here you are supposed to be her friend and you’re bashing her on the internet. The fact she popped off to Greece with no prior mention is fine because it’s HER life she can do these things she doesn’t need to run it past a group, I’ve often went places without telling my friends. Leave her alone

I think OP was looking for posters to say how odd her friend is and join in with a little laugh at her. And I think she knew that people may think ND was a possibility. I’m glad people here have been kind rather than giving OP what she wanted. There’s been a trend on here lately of posters popping up and in various ways being negative about neurodiversity. OPs friend isn’t the issue here, if she even exists.