To find my friend a bit....eccentric

[lionindistress]

I have a very good friend of mine who I have known for the years now. No issues there but she does things which may be considered odd to others and don't know if I should talk to her about this- as some friends within our friendship group have noticed this and finding it a bit too......not much... but a bit odd and to the point where it's not funny anymore. Here are a few examples (we are all in our 20's by the way)

1. After inviting her to stay over in my flat. We watched a late movie and she slept in one of the bedrooms. In the middle of the night (about 3-4am) I woke up to get a glass of water (had am itchy throat) and I just see that her room light is on. Not wanting to waste electricity. I switched this off and went back to the bed and thought maybe she was so exhausted to bother turning the light off. But when I woke up at 7am to get ready for work- I noticed that the light was back on again.

Anyway, in the morning for breakfast, I joked and said that I noticed you had your light on and I switched it off. She then replied and said that she prefer sleeping with the light on as growing up, she was always afraid of the dark and her whole family sleeps with the light on and it's only now that she tolerates sleeping with a light lamp. So everytime she stays over at mine, or other friends places, she has to have a light on when sleeping,

2. She is habitually late and makes some odd requests. For example, when we set up a time for all of us to meet together. We will say things like - "ok let's meet at 4pm" she will always pop up and say "let's meet at 4.05"- and when we ask her why, she relies that it will give her 5 minutes extra time incase she's late....... she also does this when we say "3.30" and she wants to meet at "3.38).

3. Her and our other friend were going out somewhere and they were taking the bus somewhere to a particular place where she wanted to go. My friend (the one who I'm writing about) offered her seat to an elderly person on the bus and when the elderly person reused she insisted and said "don't worry, we are getting off the next stop". Anyway, our friend and this friend, proceeded to get off the next stop and they were walking for about 15 minutes until our friend said "Hey X, where is this place? We could have got off at a nearer bus stop". The friend (who I'm talking about) replied "I know- but I told the elderly person that we were getting off the next stop and I didn't want to feel stupid and stay on the bus thinking that what I said wasn't true".

4. Can be very very private- particularly at work. She often tells me that you can't trust everyone and that I need to be careful who I share things too as they can use it against you.

There are a few other things. But other than that, she is funny, a very good friend, but we are not sure if we should have a discussion about some of the things she does...

Well, to my mind those things are a bit of a mixture. I would find it slightly irritating if an adult wanted to leave a light on all night in my house, but it's not a big deal. It's much ruder of you to go into a bedroom where someone else is sleeping to turn off their light.

The thing with the lateness/proposing a slightly later time is silly and I'd probably start glossing over it, so if she says 'can it be 4.05' just smile and say 'yes, [name], I know you want an extra 5 minutes - we'll all meet at 4 and you can plan to come at 3.55'.

If she's routinely seriously late (more than 5 minutes) I'd personally find that a deal breaker; I had a friend in my early 20s who would routinely be hours late and at some point we just drifted apart because, basically, her time-keeping was still like a student and the rest of us were holding down jobs, and we didn't have endless hours to waste.

The thing on the bus - meh. It was daft but well-intention; I could see a friend doing that and I'd quite like them for the motivation, I think.

Being private - again, so what? Some people are; maybe she thinks you over-share or something like that and is trying to give you a message too?

She's totally right about number 4 though.

I mean here you are (her supposed friend) typing your arse off about her personality on a public forum, when I expect she has absolutely no idea.

I don't think any of those things are eccentric. Maybe the 4:05 thing, but she's trying to deal w/ her lateness, so it seems more like a lifehack than an eccentricity.

Who cares about the light on when sleeping? I get the costs of electricity, but if she was scared as a child, why not accept this?

What she did on the bus just makes her seem like a very, very kind person.

The job advice she gave is spot on. She's right.

Gosh why can’t everyone just be EXACTLY THE SAME to make your life easier?

Someone probably needs to have a discussion with the rest of you about appropriate behaviour in friendships beyond the schoolgate. By your 20s it would be hoped you'd have matured, but perhaps you are early 20s and a bit immature
Friendship is about acceptance. Please don't bitch about one friend with all your other friends. It's too immature for people beyond their teen years

None of that I would class as eccentric. I’m struggling why you would need a discussion with someone that leaves the light on at night. What’s it to you. And as for the rest I probably wouldn’t even describe it as quirky.

She sounds awesome. I relate totally. Embrace the alternative

I think she sounds nice and good on her for wanting to be private at work - there's another thread on here this evening about a poster whose friend was renting out her dead brother's house and basically shat on her from a great height. Read it and you'll realise how lucky your are to have this friend, with all her different and wonderful quirks.

Put yourself in her place - imagine a group of your friends turned round one day and basically called you out for being a weirdo. Not nice, is it?

She sounds ‘normal’ to me. I don’t see anything wrong in what you have written about her. She sounds maybe slightly anxious, but nothing out of the ordinary. Leave her be.

She is a lovely friend.

Regarding the lateness. She is always late. Even if we do meet up at 4:05- she is always 15-20 minutes.

Regarding the privacy thing. She is even very private around us and doesn't really tell us anything until something bad happens or if we ask. For example, she went to Greece for a couple of days but none of us knew- when when were phoning her during her trips. She only tells us things when asked. When I told her "oh you didn't mean toon Greece!" She will say things like "she doesn't want us to feel a certain way as not everyone is able to afford a holiday"...

Bless her. She sounds lovely. You don’t.

Stop analysing everything she does. Noone is perfect. She is kind and not hurting anyone. It's all a bit judgey and high school to me. Just accept her as a kind friend. Who care if she wants to meet at 3.38 and not 3.30. Who cares if she sleeps with the light on. Who care if she told a white lie and had a 15 minute walk so an elderly person didn't stand on the bus (I think that is lovely tbh and would be proud to have a friend that did that). There is nothing wrong with being a private person. You need to stop.

About Greece, that is just an example of her considering other’s feelings about being able to afford a holiday. Again nothing to have an intervention about

You sound like hard work.

Regarding the privacy thing. She is even very private around us and doesn't really tell us anything until something bad happens or if we ask. For example, she went to Greece for a couple of days but none of us knew- when when were phoning her during her trips. She only tells us things when asked. When I told her "oh you didn't mean toon Greece!" She will say things like "she doesn't want us to feel a certain way as not everyone is able to afford a holiday"...

In that case I hope she finds a group of more accepting/less demanding friends that respect her privacy and just like her for who she is.

With what you add about Greece - to me, it sounds as if she is less close to you as a group than you are to each other. It's pretty normal not to know where/if your friends go on holiday for a few days; it might not come up in conversation. If she's quite a private person, and you rang her on holiday, perhaps she just wanted to reply quickly rather than get into a long discussion of where she was - she probably just wanted to enjoy the holiday?

I don't love people who are regularly 15-20 mins late but if she's otherwise nice I would live with it.

The only thing I would speak to her about is lateness. It sounds like she knows she has a problem. If it bothers you, you could tell her an earlier time, for example.
I find lateness rude and self centred but from what you say, perhaps she is a bit disorganised?

op youre digging a hole

You don't get to correct your friends. Keep your opinions to yourself.

What exactly would the discussion be
hey, you’re a great funny kind friend, but you sleep with the light on and so we need a serious talk.

what exactly are you planning to discuss? That she operates slightly differently to you and that’s not allowed or something?
start saying you’ll meet at 2.55 if the time thing bothers you.
don’t have her sleep at your house if you’re not happy about the lights
figure out your own directions if you’re worried about the bus
and if she wants to be private leave her be.
probably would be nice if all her friends stopped discussing her ‘quirks’ and a possible intervention about them though

Maybe she is right to be private around you.....you find fault in all she does.
She doesn't have to announce every trip to the group. Why do u want to find fault in her not telling u she went......why do u not just think aww thats good she got away I hope she had a nice time and leave it there.
She doesnt need a conversation about her behaviour u maybe do.

Maybe she's a bit odd, but who cares. Aren't we all? At least she's not boring. You all sound like mean people, not friends at all

Can be very very private- particularly at work. She often tells me that you can't trust everyone and that I need to be careful who I share things too as they can use it against you

Your friend is exactly right and you'd be wise to take this advise. I wish more people had this sensibility.

She sounds really thoughtful and caring. So what if she has a bit of a problem with timing, no one is perfect. She otherwise sounds like a lovely friend, so leave her alone.

That was the best thing you could think of to post?
Maybe some things are best left inside your head until you can think of something more positive to add to a thread.