To find my friend a bit....eccentric

[lionindistress]

I have a very good friend of mine who I have known for the years now. No issues there but she does things which may be considered odd to others and don't know if I should talk to her about this- as some friends within our friendship group have noticed this and finding it a bit too......not much... but a bit odd and to the point where it's not funny anymore. Here are a few examples (we are all in our 20's by the way)

1. After inviting her to stay over in my flat. We watched a late movie and she slept in one of the bedrooms. In the middle of the night (about 3-4am) I woke up to get a glass of water (had am itchy throat) and I just see that her room light is on. Not wanting to waste electricity. I switched this off and went back to the bed and thought maybe she was so exhausted to bother turning the light off. But when I woke up at 7am to get ready for work- I noticed that the light was back on again.

Anyway, in the morning for breakfast, I joked and said that I noticed you had your light on and I switched it off. She then replied and said that she prefer sleeping with the light on as growing up, she was always afraid of the dark and her whole family sleeps with the light on and it's only now that she tolerates sleeping with a light lamp. So everytime she stays over at mine, or other friends places, she has to have a light on when sleeping,

2. She is habitually late and makes some odd requests. For example, when we set up a time for all of us to meet together. We will say things like - "ok let's meet at 4pm" she will always pop up and say "let's meet at 4.05"- and when we ask her why, she relies that it will give her 5 minutes extra time incase she's late....... she also does this when we say "3.30" and she wants to meet at "3.38).

3. Her and our other friend were going out somewhere and they were taking the bus somewhere to a particular place where she wanted to go. My friend (the one who I'm writing about) offered her seat to an elderly person on the bus and when the elderly person reused she insisted and said "don't worry, we are getting off the next stop". Anyway, our friend and this friend, proceeded to get off the next stop and they were walking for about 15 minutes until our friend said "Hey X, where is this place? We could have got off at a nearer bus stop". The friend (who I'm talking about) replied "I know- but I told the elderly person that we were getting off the next stop and I didn't want to feel stupid and stay on the bus thinking that what I said wasn't true".

4. Can be very very private- particularly at work. She often tells me that you can't trust everyone and that I need to be careful who I share things too as they can use it against you.

There are a few other things. But other than that, she is funny, a very good friend, but we are not sure if we should have a discussion about some of the things she does...

I agree with the majority of the posters on this thread.

It does seem odd to me that you would think that it’s ok to go into the room your friend was sleeping in and decide that it is up to you whether she has the light on or off. You really wouldn’t have saved much electricity so that’s not a good excuse. Then you think it’s ok to expect her to justify why she had the light on all night. Is that really how you treat a guest in your home? Can you see how your behaviour was rude and inconsiderate? Can you see how it might make a guest feel uncomfortable in your home when you draw attention to something trivial like that?

With all your other examples of her behaviour the one thing that stands out to me is that you are inappropriately holding her under a microscope to pick on any tiny flaw (as perceived by you) that you want her to change in order to fit the mould that you have created.

Do you see how that could be viewed as a character flaw in you?

Life isn’t a t.v. show where you write the script and all your friends are characters reading their lines and acting out the narrative you have created.

Focus on working on your own self improvement and respect that she will work on hers in her own way on her own terms.

If anyone oversteps your boundaries, treats you badly, disrespects you or does something that actually impacts on you then speak up at the time and deal with it accordingly.

But don’t organise some kind of intervention and ambush your friend with your concerns about her character flaws that you have been discussing behind her back. That sort of thing belongs in a B grade tv show or a B grade movie or badly written novel.

@lionindistress why have these quirks become an issue in your friendship group?

I agree that there's nothing wrong in what you've described (I do think it was an invasion into her space to turn the light off when she stayed over though) and that if anything she might be neurodivergent - although I wouldn't raise that possibility with her or anyone else if I were you.

Hopefully you can all be a bit more understanding but if you need advice on how to cool frayed tempers within your group then post again and give us some more detail as to the problem please.

Each to their own. If you don't like her, then find a new friend. Personally I think she sounds nice.

As for the odd timings suggested to meet, make a joke out of it.

For the light, get a small lamp or one of those wall night lamps she can use when she comes over.

The bus thing? Well yeah, annoying. But should have been dealt with there and then.

She's only in her 20s. Still a lot of growing up for ALL of you to do.

Wow give your head a shake OP!

Hate to generalise but sounds like your friend may be a little Neurodiverse - some of these quirks sound like my own diagnosed personality traits.

But so what? If they are nice, well meaning and a good friend, who cares? Better to have a variety of friends with different personalities and traits allowing for interesting and meaningful connections.

To be honest, she sounds a bit like me!

She sounds like a true person. She is right not to trust everyone, most people are utter dicks.

The bus thing sounds really sweet, sounds like the sort of thing I or DP would do and then laugh at ourselves later.

I do think people who concentrate so much on other people’s apparently “weird” traits are deflecting attention from themselves. Relax a bit OP, I really doubt anyone is judging you too.

None of that is particularly bad.

The light on is her preference and is her right as is being private.

The bus one seems like she's overly polite, too nice for her own good.

The time one is unusual but wouldn't bother me.

What exactly do you want to say? You're weird? We don't like this? You might have a condition? All would be out of line.

You sound really judgmental. Do you think you are perfect??

If you're worried about the light being left on, can you not just buy a low-energy LED beside lamp for that room instead?

I actually think this is just another goady thread to make people froth over ND-habits that they don't understand, which ends up with a lot of ND people feeling shit about themselves.

THIS

You are in your 20s. Never too late to realize people are different and it is ok. Were you raised in a judgmental household, by chance?

What exactly do you think you could say to her? Anything would be out of line. She's not the issue, you and your friends are.

OP posts with innocuous characteristics of friend. Gets roasted. Ramps it up with more objectionable behaviours. Still no change. What next?

OP and your mates sound dreadful and your friend might be better off without you, though she'd get hurt in the process.

OP, the average modern light bulb costs £0.004 an hour to run. It was very rude of you to turn it off without asking.

Your friend has some minor quirks that are completely within the realms of normal, but the more you mention, the more a picture begins to form that there is likely some underlying anxiety or neurodiversity, but if that is the case, it doesn't warrant a discussion with her pointing it all out. Even neurotypicals have annoying quirks and habits too. We have to have a degree of tolerance in most adult friendships. Life would be boring and very socially limiting otherwise. If she does things that are irritating or rude, lightly question it at the time, don't save it up, discuss it behind her back and consider discussing it all in one go at a later date.

She needs new friends who aren’t as judgemental as you and the rest of the toxic group, does being perfect give you headaches?

You could be writing about me. I am neurodiverse and so all of the above.
My friends accept me and my quirks as they are friends.

She sounds lovely! I like people who are their own unique selves, and her offbeat sense of personal honour is heartwarming.

She is clearly accurate, you can't trust people, given that you her supposed friend are publicly complaining about her personal quirks to strangers online.

Her biggest flaw seems to be poor taste in friends.

Maybe she is private so she doesn’t give you more ammunition to slate her with on the internet 🙄

You don't sound like you like her much, so you should probably be honest with her about that.

Also this.

The bus thing if more than once I would get off at the stop I was meant too

The song thing address at the time

If something she is doing at the time is annoying enough to say something I would do so at the time like for anyone

I don't see the whole thing needs a 'discussion'

Me too.

I find myself at an advanced age to be privileged to be surrounded by tolerant people who accept, and even enjoy, my quirks.

It hasn't been easy as, over the decades, I've had many 'friends' who talked about me in 'gangs' behind my back, both privately and in the work situation. Obviously, those events were extremely hurtful and confidence-zapping.

Still, as my genuine friends say, that's a loss to those without the tolerance (and sometimes courage) required to be a friend to someone who is 'a bit odd' but who never acts with malice in their heart.

I hope the subject of the OPs posts finds her own gang sooner than later.

I’m around twice your age and I still sleep with the light on too.

As I tell my children, peoples differences are to be celebrated. We are all unique and how amazing it is that we are.

I think your friend may well be right not to trust people, I wonder if she’s experienced ‘friends’ behaving the way you are now before. Can you imagine how hurtful it would be knowing that your friend had posted on the internet about you, dissecting your behavioural traits? She sounds kind, you could possibly learn from her.