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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend being CF or I’m tight?

286 replies

PandorasBoxers · 30/12/2022 22:16

I genuinely don’t know if IABU here. For context I grew up very poor and while this made my DB extra generous it made me really fearful of being cold or hungry again.

DB died 6 years ago with no partner or children and left his house to me, his only sibling. I didn’t want to live in it but couldn’t get rid of it and the things in it because I was so sad.

my friend asked to move in to it and she’d pay a small rent (£100 pm for 4 bed new build in SW England) in exchange for not touching the big pieces of furniture and this worked great for both of us. She cleared most things over time with my permission and really helped me. She has made it her own and it’s nice to see it as friends and not have sad thoughts attached to it.

in spring we decided to move house as we wanted to ttc and realised the extra property isn’t helping as second home stamp duty is expensive and my friends home/rental wasn’t being run as a money maker.

I said to my friend that by January 2023 I’d need to run it like a real rental and this gave her 6 months (when I found out I was pregnant). It’s on a ‘new’ estate - everything’s 8 years old but up to scratch, so this wouldn’t have been too much extra work for me as I already paid for things to be fixed if they broke. I was asking that she pay £600pm which is still below normal but massively more than she was used to. She knew the reasons I had to do this. It would also have been better for me to sell.

I received a text a couple of days ago from friend to say she’s moved out. She gave no warning and has taken the fridge, freezer, washer, drier and some furniture. None of those things were hers. The walls have been bashed due to the move too.

She’s left rubbish in every room and old things she didn’t want. The garden is strewn with rubbish she clearly couldn’t fit in the van she’s hired to move.

if I was BU I’ll listen but I am so upset that she did this and only let me know at the last minute.

I work full time and a part time job and was hoping to take a years maternity and had counted on the rent (about £450pm once fees/taxes come out) so I could go part time after.

OP posts:
canyouextrapol · 31/12/2022 10:50

She's a thief and has taking advantage of you in your grief. But I'd change the locks and try and move on. At least she's out and I would just never interact with her again

Pearls1234 · 31/12/2022 10:58

Nasty F, not just cheeky F! You haven’t been tight at all, you’ve been very generous and when your situation changed you were more than reasonable.

Togoodtobeforgotten · 31/12/2022 11:10

That is absolutely disgusting so she was paying £25 a week rent and she's treated you like this? I would never speak to her again.

NameChagaiiiin · 31/12/2022 11:27

PotteringAlonggotkickedoutandhadtoreregister · 31/12/2022 08:18

Based on your updated:

you’ve not paid tax
youve not protected her deposit
you have none of the safely stuff you need to be a landlord

grief or not, you’ve been acting illegally for the last 6 years

Ridiculous.
Doing a friend a favour is not acting illegally. Give over.

This does not give the right to steal or damage property.

NameChagaiiiin · 31/12/2022 11:35

PotteringAlonggotkickedoutandhadtoreregister · 31/12/2022 09:50

www.lettingaproperty.com/landlord/blog/gas-safety-checks-landlords/

I wasn’t trying to be spiteful, I was trying to be factually accurate. No gas safety certificate? Unlimited fines and up to 6 months in prison.

no EICR? Fine of up to £30,000

she did have a tenancy agreement by virtue of paying rent. And the OP might have been doing her friend a favour but that doesn’t mean she hasn’t been breaking the law and, therefore, I wouldn’t be pushing the white goods too far…

You're still being utterly ridiculous.

These things would only apply as a landlord. With no tenancy agreement, there's no landlord. Not to mention no court in the world would see £100 PER Month as a rental amount. Unless it was a cardboard box.

I rented for a nominal fee, my parents home whilst they lived abroad for a few years. Should I sue them now as they didn't provide a gas certificate?

Stop being silly.

bigdecisionstomake · 31/12/2022 11:48

@NameChagaiiiin In UK law a legal tenancy is created once rent and keys change hands i.e. possession of the property is given in exchange for a consideration (the rent payment). No paper tenancy agreement is required for a legal tenancy to be created.

I have every sympathy for the OP in this instance and they were acting entirely from the best of intentions but there was indisputably a tenancy in UK law and they by definition became a landlord. The OP didn't meet the legal requirements of that e.g. gas safety certificate, electrical installation report etc...

MilkshakesBringAllTheCoosToTheYard · 31/12/2022 12:07

@NameChagaiiiin I think you've made your point, this is coming close to derailing now.

OP - please don't blame yourself. Grief does funny things to us all, and I think the 'solution' your CF presented probably was helpful in that it meant you just didn't have to deal with the practical, outward manifestation of your brother's death. I viewed a house from a youngish man who had lost both his parents and it was like an episode of hoarders, crammed with their stuff. Being unable to deal with the 'stuff' is not uncommon.

A good friend would have rented for a year then approached you and said 'right, let's get this on a more business-like footing'. The fact that she didn't speaks volumes to her character. Don't blame yourself.

Original poster
PandorasBoxers · 31/12/2022 12:21

Thank you for your advice and opinions, it’s been really helpful to get an outside view.

DH and his friend are taking meter readings etc, clearing up the big stuff and changing locks. (In exchange for take anway and booze for tonight!)

Ive messaged ‘my friend’ to say that those possessions were missing and that I’m disappointed by what’s happened.

I won’t get anywhere with her because she’s already said my brother would have wanted her there / she thinks I’ve made her homeless. She’s apparently been to the council and is staying with family until she can get her own place.

Apparently her family are upset I’ve done this to her.
I did try to reason but she’s got an awful cold and found moving stressful so doesn’t want to talk to me. I’ve apparently put her under too much stress.

I think it’s best I draw a line under it all and block her on social media/ her number.

I think I would definitely have went along with everything because I hate conflict so much but I am working to be more assertive in general. Again, all of your kind comments and opinions have really helped too

OP posts:
Twiglets1 · 31/12/2022 12:36

PandorasBoxers · 31/12/2022 12:21

Thank you for your advice and opinions, it’s been really helpful to get an outside view.

DH and his friend are taking meter readings etc, clearing up the big stuff and changing locks. (In exchange for take anway and booze for tonight!)

Ive messaged ‘my friend’ to say that those possessions were missing and that I’m disappointed by what’s happened.

I won’t get anywhere with her because she’s already said my brother would have wanted her there / she thinks I’ve made her homeless. She’s apparently been to the council and is staying with family until she can get her own place.

Apparently her family are upset I’ve done this to her.
I did try to reason but she’s got an awful cold and found moving stressful so doesn’t want to talk to me. I’ve apparently put her under too much stress.

I think it’s best I draw a line under it all and block her on social media/ her number.

I think I would definitely have went along with everything because I hate conflict so much but I am working to be more assertive in general. Again, all of your kind comments and opinions have really helped too

I think that’s very sensible. Just draw a line under it and move on. She has shown her true colours unfortunately.

Itloggedmeoutagain · 31/12/2022 12:45

Finances aside, anyone who leaves a house in that state is a CF

Puffin87 · 31/12/2022 13:06

She had already taken advantage of you while you were grieving with the £100 pm.

HomeTheatreSystem · 31/12/2022 13:13

Ignore her! She's behaving in an unreasonable and entitled way and you'll get no sense out of her or her family. Had your brother wanted her in his house that much, he'd have left her the house, not you.

She and her parents would rather blame you for her circumstances than face the fact she's virtually had a free ride these past 6 years, has nothing to show for it by way of savings on housing costs and the good times have now ended so she's looking at a room in an HMO at best. For a few hundred quid a month minimum, more than likely the same as she was paying to have a whole house to herself. She's stressed because she feels humiliated by her new circumstances and cannot process it as a change that, to anyone but the most intellectually challenged, would have been, with each passing year, increasingly inevitable.

This is her problem not yours. Block and walk away.

skilpadde · 31/12/2022 14:51

*Can someone explain the abbreviations?

I just want BU to mean "butt-hurt". Maybe the poster is dyslexic and thinks "hurt" comes with a silent "h"?

CF? In the context, does it mean something like having ESP?

Also: I am new to this country. I thought only difficult scientific terms were abbreviated. But the people who start threads do not seem to be scholarly types, is that correct?*

You have, for several weeks now, asked what the oft-used abbreviations of Mumsnet mean. You have had several clarifications, including previously of CF, made to you by other Mumsnet users in good faith, yet you use your apparent bewilderment as a means to making disparaging and demeaning remarks about the posters who use these abbreviations. It's unpleasant to witness.

I can only conclude that this is some kind of sport to you.

daisychain01 · 31/12/2022 15:39

@KAYMACK and others who don't understand all the MN acronyms, here is a full list - it's very difficult to find, but they've obviously migrated it over from the old site 👍

Mumsnet Acronym Abbreviations List

Emotionalsupportviper · 31/12/2022 17:13

Apparently her family are upset I’ve done this to her.

I'll bet they are- they are stuck with her now.

I'm so sorry this has happened - it's horribly hurtful when someone you have helped and regard as a friend effectively spits in your face like this, and damages and steals your property.

Think of it like this - if your brother "would have wanted her there', he would have left her the house. She's a chancer.

You are right to block her. I hope all goes well for you in the new year.

Emotionalsupportviper · 31/12/2022 17:20

skilpadde · 31/12/2022 14:51

*Can someone explain the abbreviations?

I just want BU to mean "butt-hurt". Maybe the poster is dyslexic and thinks "hurt" comes with a silent "h"?

CF? In the context, does it mean something like having ESP?

Also: I am new to this country. I thought only difficult scientific terms were abbreviated. But the people who start threads do not seem to be scholarly types, is that correct?*

You have, for several weeks now, asked what the oft-used abbreviations of Mumsnet mean. You have had several clarifications, including previously of CF, made to you by other Mumsnet users in good faith, yet you use your apparent bewilderment as a means to making disparaging and demeaning remarks about the posters who use these abbreviations. It's unpleasant to witness.

I can only conclude that this is some kind of sport to you.

If @skilpadde is right, @KAYMACK , and you have repeatedly asked and been told the meaning of these abbreviations, it would seem that you are not a very "scholarly type" yourself.

Please don't be so rude about the people who start/ comment on these threads. It doesn't show you in a good light.

Whatifthegrassisblue · 31/12/2022 19:12

PandorasBoxers · 31/12/2022 12:21

Thank you for your advice and opinions, it’s been really helpful to get an outside view.

DH and his friend are taking meter readings etc, clearing up the big stuff and changing locks. (In exchange for take anway and booze for tonight!)

Ive messaged ‘my friend’ to say that those possessions were missing and that I’m disappointed by what’s happened.

I won’t get anywhere with her because she’s already said my brother would have wanted her there / she thinks I’ve made her homeless. She’s apparently been to the council and is staying with family until she can get her own place.

Apparently her family are upset I’ve done this to her.
I did try to reason but she’s got an awful cold and found moving stressful so doesn’t want to talk to me. I’ve apparently put her under too much stress.

I think it’s best I draw a line under it all and block her on social media/ her number.

I think I would definitely have went along with everything because I hate conflict so much but I am working to be more assertive in general. Again, all of your kind comments and opinions have really helped too

Don't bother with her OP, never speak to her again. I bet she will come crawling back soon.Even the comments she continues to make just show what kind of person she is (scum). Of course her family is upset as that now have to deal with her. Write this all off to a terrible experience and best wishes moving forward Flowers

BlackFriday · 31/12/2022 19:26

I think you should be relieved she's moved out, to be honest. Imagine if she'd refused to go or to at the increased rent?
You'd have had a right problem then.

Nocutenamesleft · 01/01/2023 18:06

Fleur405 · 30/12/2022 22:25

She’s a CF. also look into the additional property tax. If you are selling your principal residence and replacing it with a new principal residence I’m not sure you have to pay the tax.

I think that’s incorrect. Even if it’s not a main residence she’ll be paying tax as a second property. Even if she doesn’t live in it.

Nocutenamesleft · 01/01/2023 18:07

PandorasBoxers · 30/12/2022 22:37

Thank you so much for your replies.

I definitely think we’ll sell my brothers place. He’s in my heart and although enough time has passed the house isn’t ‘his’ anymore, it still upset me to see ‘his’ things gone like I’d let him down. I definitely couldn’t do that with a stranger being in there.

I didn’t think about changing the locks but will. I’m really hurt she didn’t give me any warning actually, more than the stealing. She didn’t mention it at all, so when we’ve been texting each other saying we’re on the sofa she’s been packing!

I will text her tomorrow. DH took photos of the mess she left, so I’ll send that to her as well.

Don’t forget you’ll have to pay tax and if I remember correctly you might even have to pay capital gains?!?!

Mumkins42 · 01/01/2023 18:12

This person is no friend to you. I've had to read a few books on boundary setting in the past as these things can become patterns. She's absolutely taken advantage of your kindness.

Ladyfrog59 · 01/01/2023 18:13

You should report her it's theft!

GreekDogRescue · 01/01/2023 18:19

What an awful woman.
I’m usually a magnet for cheeky fuckers but this is too much even for me.
Block her and move on.

Blossomtoes · 01/01/2023 18:25

Don’t forget you’ll have to pay tax and if I remember correctly you might even have to pay capital gains?!?!

CGT isn’t applicable on an inheritance.

In a way she’s done you a favour @PandorasBoxers. You can now sell the house so you won’t have to pay second home stamp duty and will have a much smaller mortgage. Every cloud and all that.

TangledWebofMincemeatDeception · 01/01/2023 18:25

What a horrible situation. At least you’re well rid now and can get things sorted out.

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