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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For my arguing with my MIL on Christmas Day?

259 replies

MamaCathy73 · 30/12/2022 19:40

Hi everyone,

My DC came out as non-binary last year and now asks that they be referred to by they/them pronouns. I do not think this is a big deal, and so I happily oblige even if I do not fully understand. My MIL is a strong Christian, and despite knowing that DC does not want to be referred to as he/him, does it anyway. She often says things like "gender is what's in your pants, not your brain", amongst other clichés. On Christmas Day, she was particularly bad, and she was clearly going out of her way to invalidate DC's gender identity as much as possible. After I corrected her (because DC was visibly uncomfortable), she began to rant about how much he hates Stonewall and this "transing" business right in front of them. This did not sit right with me at all, so I got very angry with her (lots of expletives). Anyway, DH did not like how I reacted, saying that I ruined Christmas, and that I shouldn't have spoken to his mother like that. I see his point, but I am upset that he didn't want to defend our child from MIL.

Interested to know how others would have reacted in that situation.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 30/12/2022 22:07

WineDarkNo308 · 30/12/2022 22:01

My daughter has just started dating someone who identifies as non binary. I don’t claim to understand but I will respect their wishes regarding pronouns. As long as they treat my DD respectfully and don’t mess her about then I have no issues with them. She tells me that they’re a good, kind person and that’s good enough for me.

Well a very obvious issue is whether your DD needs to use certain types of contraception. Because biological sex actually matters in sexual relationships.

'It makes no difference' isn't actually true.

Chesure · 30/12/2022 22:16

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 30/12/2022 21:32

Actually I don't think they would . Even the young people in my workplace think it's all bollox and attention seeking .

They do in mine too. YABU OP. Your child is male, it's sad that you're encouraging him to believe he is gender less.

The young people in my workplace are respectful and I've learnt a huge amount from them by being open-minded and accepting of people's pronoun choices.

Calling her grandchild by their preferred pronouns is absolutely no skin off MIL's nose.

Remember 'love the sinner, hate the sin' so even if she doesn't agree with gender fluidity, she can show love and empathy to her DGC.

StressedToTheMaxxx · 30/12/2022 22:19

Well your MIL is right and additionally shouldn't be forced into compelled speech. However I also wouldn't have made someone uncomfortable in their own home on Christmas Day, that's also very rude. The three of you, you, MIL and your child were all wrong in one way or another.

Soothsayer1 · 30/12/2022 22:21

this thread isnt about the rights & wrongs of being non binary
it's about inviting someone into your home for a celebratory meal and they proceed to mock & ridicule your child
if someone did that to me the gloves would come off VERY quickly!

poefaced · 30/12/2022 22:24

MrsTerryPratchett · 30/12/2022 20:15

The OP not come back? Hmm.

With just a few odd posts to ‘her’ name.

One day she posts that her and DH do everything to support their gay son.

Literally the next day she posts that DH doesn’t support their son and she wants a divorce 🙄

WineAndDontDine · 30/12/2022 22:33

MarysGirlChildWasLate4ChristmasDay · 30/12/2022 19:50

What is non binary op? Do you mean your child doesn't conform to gender stereotypes?

You do realise that it's not progressive to insist girls only like pink and being dainty and boys only like farting and football. And insisting your child is non binary because they don't fit into a narrow box is reinforcing those stereotypes.

Your way is a safeguarding nightmare. Leads to the erosion of same sex attraction and children making themselves infertile. Look up Keira Bell. Read the Cass report. Read the newspapers about how Mermaids and Stonewall champions have been implicated in legal and safeguarding scandals.

Your mil is right. You are so wrong.

🙄 no one asked

Manchestermum123 · 30/12/2022 22:33

YANBU! Your MIL was completely goading you and your DC! She should be ashamed of herself! I’d have reacted just the same and protected my DC!

WineDarkNo308 · 30/12/2022 22:34

MrsTerryPratchett · 30/12/2022 22:07

Well a very obvious issue is whether your DD needs to use certain types of contraception. Because biological sex actually matters in sexual relationships.

'It makes no difference' isn't actually true.

Show quote history

You make a very valid point but I am not going to ask what is between their legs. It’s none of my business and as DD is 23 I think she’ll be ok.

i will be completely honest that the thought of having a conversation with my parents about the person DD is seeing fills me with dread because I don’t have the answers, but I’ll cross that bridge as and when.

Deathclaw · 30/12/2022 22:35

Your MIL was unreasonable to deliberately try to upset your ds on Christmas Day. Some people are just nasty.

I personally would be extremely concerned if my child started saying they were non binary. I’ve tried to raise my dc with the view that boys/girls can do and like whatever they want to. That there aren’t boy/girl interests/hobbies/clothes etc.

I’d be worried that I’d failed at that, as stating they are not part of a binary means they are under the incorrect opinion that a binary of girl/boy likes, behaviours and stereotypes exists in the first place and that others must fit into these boxes, but that they are special because they don’t. I don’t know anyone who conforms to these outdated and rigid stereotypes.

I’d want to know what media they had been exposed to that gave them such a warped view of the world and would also worry about what effect that is having on their mental health. Or perhaps what needs they have that aren’t being met that are making them seek to ‘other’ themselves like that.

MarysGirlChildWasLate4ChristmasDay · 30/12/2022 22:36

WineAndDontDine · 30/12/2022 22:33

🙄 no one asked

Show quote history

Well maybe they should instead of peddling sexist crap.

StaunchMomma · 30/12/2022 22:38

It sounds like everyone but your DH massively overreacted.

MIL was clearly being goady, your DC was being overly sensitive if they were genuinely upset by it and if you swearing on Xmas day is also really OTT.

Your child can choose to identify as whatever they want - they do not have the right to demand specified language on others. Surely they can understand that older people are very often stuck in their ways?! Some people find changing the language really difficult, even if they are trying.

If your DC expects people to understand that they have certain feelings/expectations then they also need to understand that other people may have certain feelings too, and that sometimes people are not going to willingly bend to their demands.

Every family has to put up with each other's little quirks over Xmas. Your DC's does not trump everyone else's.

WineAndDontDine · 30/12/2022 22:40

Afterfire · 30/12/2022 20:12

Mumsnet will generally agree with your MIL. But in the real world, where people not arseholes and actually care about others and don’t get to hide behind a keyboard (!) most people would be on your side.

You 💯 did the right thing and your child will thank you for it for the rest of their lives. They will always remember you stood up for them.

Your MIL is outdated and wrong.

👏👏👏 refreshing

Delphinium20 · 30/12/2022 22:44

WineDarkNo308 · 30/12/2022 22:34

You make a very valid point but I am not going to ask what is between their legs. It’s none of my business and as DD is 23 I think she’ll be ok.

i will be completely honest that the thought of having a conversation with my parents about the person DD is seeing fills me with dread because I don’t have the answers, but I’ll cross that bridge as and when.

Show quote history

Oh please, if you've met this person, I'm sure you already know what's between their legs.

poefaced · 30/12/2022 22:45

The TRAs are out in force to tonight…

imalreadygone · 30/12/2022 22:46

My dad and I don't see eye to eye on some issues so we just respect each other and don't bring it up at christmas time - season of peace and goodwill to all men, women, nonbinary etc.

FrostyFifi · 30/12/2022 22:47

The TRAs are out in force to tonight…

Yep. I'll so no more as that'll risk a deletion...

Afterfire · 30/12/2022 22:47

MrsMorrisey · 30/12/2022 21:59

Afterfire depends on how much chaos they cause while they are going through their phase, which pretty much everyone can see apart from the individual who demands everyone changes for their passing phase.

If everyone just accepted their child and went along with what they wanted there would be no chaos. The chaos and hurt is caused by people being narrow minded and pushing back against their child - ie the MIL in this situation.

If the MIL had just accepted the pronouns and gone along with it there would have been no issue. No anger, no chaos. Just a happy Christmas.

FrostyFifi · 30/12/2022 22:48

If the MIL had just accepted the pronouns and gone along with it there would have been no issue. No anger, no chaos. Just a happy Christmas

Aye just accept the compelled speech and we'll all be happy.

SuperPup86 · 30/12/2022 22:49

You make a very valid point but I am not going to ask what is between their legs. It’s none of my business

Riiigghhht because there's no other way you could possibly tell whether they're male or female 😂

Delphinium20 · 30/12/2022 22:50

If everyone just accepted their child and went along with what they wanted there would be no chaos.

Said only by people who have never been a parent or by parents so permissive it could be considered neglect.

thesurrealist · 30/12/2022 22:52

GCAcademic · 30/12/2022 20:34

Yes, this most definitely happened and has not been made up to generate froth.

Trans

MIL

Of course it isn't real.

However, if it really is....why make a big deal on Christmas Day ffs. Just smile and move on.

Young people always think they have all the answers and that they are the first to experience anything. By the time you reach my age - 49 - you knkw it's bollocks. However, it is a rite of passage to be young and hold what you think are controversial opinions.

The truth is thst trans man and women are discriminated against in many areas - but in other areas a are celebrated and treated as individuals.

Oh and people can own their opinions.

Guiltycat · 30/12/2022 22:52

SuperPup86 · 30/12/2022 22:49

You make a very valid point but I am not going to ask what is between their legs. It’s none of my business

Riiigghhht because there's no other way you could possibly tell whether they're male or female 😂

Didn’t you know we’ve never been able to tell just be looking at someone. How bigoted!

Why, it’s well documented in (TikTok) history books that scientists have been puzzled for millennia that the human race actually managed to reproduce. We just sort of bumped into each other and hoped for the best.

Afterfire · 30/12/2022 22:53

Delphinium20 · 30/12/2022 22:50

If everyone just accepted their child and went along with what they wanted there would be no chaos.

Said only by people who have never been a parent or by parents so permissive it could be considered neglect.

🙄🙄 So wrong it’s actually laughable.

I love Mumsnet generally but it’s so horrible when it comes to this topic.

MrsMorrisey · 30/12/2022 22:54

Afterfire really ??? If parents just accepted what their child wants?
I think you can see where this may go wrong.

FrostyFifi · 30/12/2022 22:55

We just sort of bumped into each other and hoped for the best.

Yes pretty much like the dwarfs in Discworld, I believe.

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