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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For my arguing with my MIL on Christmas Day?

259 replies

MamaCathy73 · 30/12/2022 19:40

Hi everyone,

My DC came out as non-binary last year and now asks that they be referred to by they/them pronouns. I do not think this is a big deal, and so I happily oblige even if I do not fully understand. My MIL is a strong Christian, and despite knowing that DC does not want to be referred to as he/him, does it anyway. She often says things like "gender is what's in your pants, not your brain", amongst other clichés. On Christmas Day, she was particularly bad, and she was clearly going out of her way to invalidate DC's gender identity as much as possible. After I corrected her (because DC was visibly uncomfortable), she began to rant about how much he hates Stonewall and this "transing" business right in front of them. This did not sit right with me at all, so I got very angry with her (lots of expletives). Anyway, DH did not like how I reacted, saying that I ruined Christmas, and that I shouldn't have spoken to his mother like that. I see his point, but I am upset that he didn't want to defend our child from MIL.

Interested to know how others would have reacted in that situation.

OP posts:
Dexionmagic · 30/12/2022 21:13

My word there are a few on here going all gammony and hot under the collar.

Some on here have got bogged down in sexuality issues. To my mind that is only a part of the issue.

Apart from ones DC becoming mass murderers most decent parents will support and defend their own offspring - certainly openly.

Your MIL appears to have been deliberately unkind and picking arguments - about a situation that was….. A personal to the grandchild. B something that few of us really understand. And C at an inappropriate time and place.

Yes you might have exploded. Many of us would. What was DH doing in all of this?

Will your MIL be invited next Christmas?

There are things our children do, want, become that we don’t understand. We are often faced with steep and sometime uncomfortable learning curves.

I write from some experience of this. My eldest daughter is gay. My parents had no problems with this. (not sure they fully understood/“it ok for girls”) My Dad had a somewhat argumentative/abrasive relationship towards child #2, my son. He came out to us a little after daughter #1. He was 18 ish at the time.

We, him included, decided that my parents should know. Its hard to live a lie. So we decided, with his approval, to tell them. Fortunately they were accepting. But my DW and I had decided on options beforehand if they, and in particular my Dad was awkward.

It’s important to support ones own children in matters like this - failure to do so can, and sadly does, result in suicide.

OmiOmy · 30/12/2022 21:14

OnlyTheWeedsGrow · 30/12/2022 21:11

You know, OP, you misgendered your MIL in your OP….

“After I corrected her (because DC was visibly uncomfortable), she began to rant about how much he hates Stonewall and this "transing" business right in front of them.”

Nah, it was deliberately done.

Bestcatmum · 30/12/2022 21:16

This is why I never ever spend xmas with my mother, my cousin came out as gay which was very brave of her as the family are rabid christians - I am pagan.
My mother said loudly, "I can't see the point of lesbians", while I died quietly.

DesertIslandCondiment · 30/12/2022 21:16

FFS. Another thread starter that does not come back.

My teenager and two Step Children go by what the gender they were born so we don't have this problem.

However my parents would struggle to get their heads around if it was different. This does make them bad people. I would try and explain things

ArabellaScott · 30/12/2022 21:16

Advanced search has some interesting results, OP.

Your son was gay up until June 2022.

'My DS is 16 and he is gay. He came out a few years ago, and DH and I have done our best to support him since. We are, and always have been, tolerant towards everyone and their sexual identity.'

Followed by:

'my DS is 16 and is gay. While I try to support him and do my best to make him feel accepted, my DH only tolerates him. To make this worse, behind his back he makes some horrible comments about him and his sexuality, as well as other LGBT matters'

You surely wouldn't be looking for screenshots, would you?

StephanieSuperpowers · 30/12/2022 21:17

I think encouraging your child to see anyone who doesn't comply with their wishes as an enemy is a mistake, regardless of the issue.

NRCOA · 30/12/2022 21:17

Couldyounot · 30/12/2022 19:57

The MIL can have whatever opinions she likes but also needs to remember that she is in someone else's fucking house. Plus, isn't it funny how strong Christians so often conveniently ignore the bits about tolerance and not judging other people 🤔

Some of us Christians are very inclusive and supportive of everyone ☺️

Shoecleaner · 30/12/2022 21:18

Another hand grenade thread that people have happily jumped on.

chillibop · 30/12/2022 21:19

TidyDancer · 30/12/2022 19:48

Yeah your MIL was absolutely right but could've chosen a better way of expressing herself perhaps. Your reaction didn't help matters at all but you can't compel your MIL to pander to this. It shouldn't be indulged.

You agree with this

chillibop · 30/12/2022 21:19

TidyDancer · 30/12/2022 19:48

Yeah your MIL was absolutely right but could've chosen a better way of expressing herself perhaps. Your reaction didn't help matters at all but you can't compel your MIL to pander to this. It shouldn't be indulged.

I agree that should be!

GimmeBiscuits · 30/12/2022 21:19

If I was at their house, I would have left with DC. If MIL was at my house I would have asked them to treat all members of the family with respect, or leave.
Regardless of what someone believes, or feels about other people's life choices, there should be no need for disrespect.

If my DC decided that they wanted to be called "Fred" instead of Frederick, for example, I would expect people to respect that choice of form of address. Doesn't matter if they don't like the name Fred, because the person concerned has stated a preference.

CaptainMyCaptain · 30/12/2022 21:21

SSDDagain88 · 30/12/2022 19:47

Surely she is allowed her opinion on things like this as much as you and you DC and just because you don’t agree doesn’t make her opinion any less wrong

She doesn't get to ridicule her grandchild in their own home on Christmas day. I would also defend my child against my MIL if necessary.

StephanieSuperpowers · 30/12/2022 21:22

Regardless of what someone believes, or feels about other people's life choices, there should be no need for disrespect.

Some people might think that swearing at someone to compel them to pretend to believe they don't believe is disrespectful. Which version of respect wins?

CorvusPurpureus · 30/12/2022 21:22

I'm firmly Team MIL.

However, I think I'd have taken each aside - separately.

'Dc, grandma doesn't have to put up with you mithering on about pronouns when she's known you since you were a baby boy - & what's more you need to learn to cope with that reaction, because the rest of the world will probably find it pretty tiresome & not necessarily want to humour you, so just ignore it & don't let her wind you up. It's Xmas, just agree to disagree.'

'Mil, ds is going through a bit of a funny sensitive phase, & honestly, if you could just refer to him by his preferred name & not get into an argument about it all, it'll just save an awful lot of teenage melodrama. It's Xmas, let it go!'

Then I'd have had a very large drink & got on with things. If MIL & ds were determined to have a row over the crackers, meh, leave them to it.

Luana1 · 30/12/2022 21:25

TinaYouFatLard · 30/12/2022 19:45

You should not be enforcing compelled speech on another person.

Yes this 100%.

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 30/12/2022 21:32

Actually I don't think they would . Even the young people in my workplace think it's all bollox and attention seeking .

They do in mine too. YABU OP. Your child is male, it's sad that you're encouraging him to believe he is gender less.

Soothsayer1 · 30/12/2022 21:33

It’s important to support ones own children in matters like this
I agree!
MIL sounds spiteful & rude, she had it coming and I'd have probably reacted similarly...hopefully the old witch wont come back now?
Sadly you've probably not done yourself any favours by losing it like that though, if I were you I'd probably front it out and deny that I said what I said, be weird & manipulative just like she is....that's clearly the language she understands!

DesertIslandCondiment · 30/12/2022 21:34

Why are so many young people claiming they are born in the wrong body? I feel sorry for the ones who really are. Yes it is attention seeking.

Soothsayer1 · 30/12/2022 21:34

She doesn't get to ridicule her grandchild in their own home on Christmas day
that's what she did and thats why she deserves a pasting

catsonahottinroof · 30/12/2022 21:35

I agree with your MIL, but she was very rude to bring it up at Christmas dinner, especially when she knew your DC's circumstances; she must have known it would cause an argument or at least an atmosphere.
Next year I'd stay at home - invite her to your house if you want, but let her know that certain topics are not up for discussion.

BillyNotQuiteNoMates · 30/12/2022 21:35

My MIL would have been eating in her own home, well away from me and my child. And frankly, my DH would have been joining her.
Her attitude sucks. Your poor DC. Don’t back down on this one. Christmas or no Christmas, no one disrespects my children in their home. This is their safe space, and always will be.

DesertIslandCondiment · 30/12/2022 21:39

How many children are doing it because they are confused or because they are just pretending. My Friend's Daughter at 16 said she was bi for a year then took all her pride stuff out of her bedroom and said she is straight.

GCAcademic · 30/12/2022 21:41

I wonder why the OP hasn’t been back? It’s a mystery.

pinkceilingchoice · 30/12/2022 21:43

I'm of the opinion that this didn't happen OP - if it did; suggest MIL was rude and you and family need to be more resilient. Not everyone shares your views or sees it as "black & white". If you are going to take a position be prepared to defend if rigorously (including explaining why you are validating your DC's regressive ideas of gender)

grumpycow1 · 30/12/2022 21:43

SSDDagain88 · 30/12/2022 19:47

Surely she is allowed her opinion on things like this as much as you and you DC and just because you don’t agree doesn’t make her opinion any less wrong

She can have her opinion but why did she feel the need to inflict it on them on Xmas day?? She could have just kept her mouth shut?