For my arguing with my MIL on Christmas Day?

[MamaCathy73]

Hi everyone,

My DC came out as non-binary last year and now asks that they be referred to by they/them pronouns. I do not think this is a big deal, and so I happily oblige even if I do not fully understand. My MIL is a strong Christian, and despite knowing that DC does not want to be referred to as he/him, does it anyway. She often says things like "gender is what's in your pants, not your brain", amongst other clichés. On Christmas Day, she was particularly bad, and she was clearly going out of her way to invalidate DC's gender identity as much as possible. After I corrected her (because DC was visibly uncomfortable), she began to rant about how much he hates Stonewall and this "transing" business right in front of them. This did not sit right with me at all, so I got very angry with her (lots of expletives). Anyway, DH did not like how I reacted, saying that I ruined Christmas, and that I shouldn't have spoken to his mother like that. I see his point, but I am upset that he didn't want to defend our child from MIL.

Interested to know how others would have reacted in that situation.

I never really understand this insistence on using certain pronouns in a situation like this. When is your mil going to address gc with a pronoun anyway? Would she not just address them by their name? I use pronouns when I’m not speaking to that person directly and usually not even in the same room as them. 🤷‍♀️ but then I’m really confused about non binary stuff, it just seems to be a rejection of stereotypes nothing more exciting than that. Still, regardless of that I really think you both arguing about it on Christmas Day was unnecessary drama.

You can have whatever opinions you want, but they will never change the facts

Playing along with this (my own dd is bi) what does it matter if a teenager declares themselves bi and then straight? It’s not a crime to change their mind about the sexuality. You wouldn’t judge them for that surely? You would just accept it and go with the flow.

*their

It wasn’t you who ruined Christmas. Your mil was totally disrespectful and wrong. You defended your child good for you. Your husband could learn a lot from you.

@DesertIslandCondiment this is how I feel
Also how my teens are starting to think and some of their friends so I think maybe the tides are turning
And for those genuinely in this situation it must be so hard

You are asking on the wrong forum/website for a start if you want advice on this. MN members are overwhelmingly against trans and non binary people.

You do not need to understand why a person uses the pronouns they do or even agree with it. However, you should respect them and use the pronouns they have provided you with.

Good on you for having your child's back. This shows your child you care for them and they can rely on you as back up. Your MIL is out of order and your DH too.

@Afterfire but why the need to declare it all unless in a relationship , so many come out to say this and that when no reason too
My own boys I have no real idea if they are straight, gay , bi or whatever as maybe even they don't know fully at 17/19

She can't keep her mouth shut if the mum(lol, sure Jann) is trying to coerce her speech.

The cognitive dissonance of using the wrong pronouns is massive. Lots of neurotypical people struggle with it, nevermind those who are neurodiverse. Expecting people to deny reality and lie was never going to work for a diverse population.

We can't lie @MamaCathy73 or we break one of the commandments and will burn in hell for eternity. Saying someone is something he's not is lying.

👏👏👏👏👏👏

Although I agree with your mil point of view she was wrong to come into your home and make your child uncomfortable. She's entitled to her opinion but doesn't need to express it knowing it will hurt her grandchild.

We don't even help the person themselves by lying.

Yanbu I also would have stuck up for my child and their preferred pronouns and Christmas day is not the day to make your grandchild feel like shit

Your child is entitled to come out as non binary and requested that certain pronouns are used, and your mil is also entitled to her own beliefs around this issue, whether you agree with them or not, especially if she sees her beliefs as part of her religious beliefs. Your mil was rude and insensitive, but unfortunately none of us have the right to not be offended, and that includes your child. My ds is severely disabled and has been regularly exposed to ignorant, intolerant and offensive attitudes and comments. I have taught him to understand that some people have old fashioned and outdated beliefs and to regard them with humour and disdain. It might be an idea to teach your child some resilience, and to understand that not everyone is going to get where they are coming from, rather than stamping your feet and demanding that the world fits into his picture of how the world should be.

I don't blame you for losing your temper. Of course swearing at her wasn't the right way to go but god, I would be furious and I couldn't vouch that I keep my cool in the situation. I like to think I would have been able to have a private word and asked her to keep her opinions to herself as it's upsetting your child. I'm sorry that this happened, it's not your fault.

I'm team MIL. You shouldn't have sworn at her but you know that.

I feel sorry for the whole situation, I had a very similar Christmas.

It's awful.

Absolutely this.

Afterfire depends on how much chaos they cause while they are going through their phase, which pretty much everyone can see apart from the individual who demands everyone changes for their passing phase.

I guess I'm the odd one out here, but YANBU at all. Whether or not your MIL agrees with your DC's decision, she doesn't get to disrespect it. Our DC need to know that we support them and will protect them, even when we don't fully understand them just like we always knew our parents never fully understood us. I think you're doing a great job.

Nothing wrong with changing their mind, of course not. The problem comes when confusion is being actively generated in schools, online, etc (and at an ever-earlier age) or when children feel pressured into declaring a particular sexuality because they believe it’s “cool”.

I think you should respect that for many from an older generation, changing pronouns can be more than they can deal with. My parents would not have been able to take this on - they'd have thought it completely ridiculous.

I'd not be making a big deal out of it.

My daughter has just started dating someone who identifies as non binary. I don’t claim to understand but I will respect their wishes regarding pronouns. As long as they treat my DD respectfully and don’t mess her about then I have no issues with them. She tells me that they’re a good, kind person and that’s good enough for me.

Your mil was wrong to cause upset on purpose. However that probably isn’t well reflected because of your shouting and swearing, that has become the issue over the content of the argument.

Yes 100% have your child’s back, but in a way of valid points and by being annoyingly calm and factual so they can’t deflect from what the argument is by using your reaction against you and not your words.

My older relatives used to make all sorts of comments about my gothy clothing and nosering, but my mother managed not to swear at them.