To say no - relatives child

[littlepercy]

I'm feeling pretty awful about this so wanted to get some opinions.

My SIL and her husband are a mess and always have been. They have recently had their 4 year old daughter removed from them for reasons I won't go into here. They are hoping to get her back living with them eventually but when that will be who knows (if ever).

SIL is DHs only sibling and therefore DN is his only niece too. His parents are elderly and cannot help. We are being asked to take DN indefinitely to avoid more permenant foster care.

We have 2 DC together, a DS who is 3 and a DD who is 6. I am a SAHM and DH works full time.

We technically have the room here but I don't think this is something I could cope with, I'd be essentially on my own dealing with this as DH would be at work. Understandably DN is showing troubling behaviour too due to all the upheaval.

DH feeling under pressure from his sister and feels awful saying no but understands as it's me who'd be expected to do most stuff day to day then it's really down to me.

Oof this is a really tough situation. I don’t know what I’d do. I wouldn’t have wanted to do it with my nephews at that age as their behaviour was so challenging and it would have totally changed our dynamic and been very stressful, but I think I probably would have said yes out of duty as I would rather give them a loving home than leave it to chance. Saying that, if you’d resent it then they would pick up on that and that’s not fair either. The child may well be very much loved by a foster family too and maybe more attention could be given, a friend of mine fosters and is a lovely woman. This is a very difficult decision and I think you need to sit down and write down your worries and how you would deal with them in both possible outcomes.

There is absolutely no way I could see a child of my family go in to care when I could have her. Not saying it would be all roses but my god anythings better than that alternative. Poor little girl.

It's a difficult situation. But you are right to consider the effect on your children too and if you can cope with three young children.

YANBU. It’s not easy. If there’s addiction/chaos involved then you’re likely to be unable to keep her safe from her parents anyway. You’ll get fuck all help from SS.

You have to put your own children first. It’s a terrible position to be in and I don’t envy you at all. But DH can’t expect to make a gesture like this when he won’t be the one actually looking after her.

There's no point taking on more than you think you can cope with. What happens if you later decide you can't cope and need to change your mind? That wild be even worse for the little girl.

I would have her. Yes it will be hard but I wouldn’t want a child out into the care system when I could do something g to prevent that from happening.

I don't want to read and run

How long would this be for?

I'm not judging your decision as it's yours to make

Have you taken into consideration these things

If it was your child, would you want them with family or foster care?
Would it not be good for her to grow up close to her dear cousins?
How old is she?, would she not be in school most of the day?

Only you can decide OP

Yanbu. Is it likely family want you involved as they think you'll do what THEY want and no SS?

I would do it. I couldn’t watch a family member end up with various foster carers when I could do something about it.

I would look after her. She is 4 years old and a life in care isn't something I'd want for any child.

I would have to take her. I couldn’t live with myself if I didn’t.

They will try to pressure you to have her because they don't have to pay you when children are fostered in the family.

Your children have to come first. An experienced foster family will support DN.

I would find this very difficult to say yes to. The things I would be thinking of would be:

1. What happens if another child comes along.

1. What does "technically have the room" mean?

1. Would the extra expense mean I need to go back to work.

1. How would my DC be affected by having a child slot in between them in the birth order.

1. What support would I be getting from social services. E.g. additional childcare, school of choice etc.

1. How would I feel about having to hand her back if I didn't think SIL and BIL were fully capable.

1. How much social service involvement would there be in our lives.

1. How would it affect my DC in terms of holidays, after school clubs etc.

It is such a commitment, I think if I didn't feel whole heartedly about it I wouldn't be able to go forward with it.

I think I would need certain things clarified before I agreed.
what are the contact arrangements? Can she be left unsupervised with her parents? Is it in a contact centre, is this schedule going to interfere with my own childrens lives.
Am I expected to report back on their parenting? Will this cause conflict if I have to report they aren’t doing well?
What financial assistance will I be given? Housing, feeding clothing another mouth is a lot. I know we couldn’t currently stretch to it.
Is it short or long term.
If the answers to these meant it was too much I wouldn’t hesitate to let the little girl go to experienced foster careers.

Yanbu.
Of course you would love to help their child but if it comes at the cost of disrupting/having a negative impact on your own children's lives, you are correct to put them/their needs first and say no.

This is a really awful position to be in but I could not cope with knowing I'd allowed that child to go into the care system

I would have to have her but access all support services , provisions and any funding available

Consider your own children and ensure they remain safe happy and secure in their home

This wee girl needs the same and has probably never had it

What ever decision you make I wish you the best OP

Why wouldn't you want to help? Could your husband get compassionate leave from work? If you were unable to care for your children what would you like to happen to them?

I think you should at least try having her, she's had enough upheaval already.

Awful decision to have to make OP, you must look to your own children's best interests as well of course, and it could be detrimental to the child's interests to be still within the influence of her parents.

This. It will be you doing most of the heavy lifting realistically. A bit rich his sister putting pressure on you, when she is part of the reason her daughter has been removed

Really tough, and you’re right to consider the whole picture, especially your young children.

If you did it, would her parents be constantly at your home? Would you have to police their behaviour/come under pressure to break rules for them?

Ive heard of people doing this for family and them having to deal with the parents showing up when they want and seeing their children and having everyone lie about it.

I wonder if any financial help would be available to cover the costs of an extra pair of hands for the time DH is at work?
It would make a huge difference to this little girl if you could take her, but it is quite reasonable to say you need help to do that.

My Grandson was on a PLO. He's of now thank god. But I did have all the assments to take him on. I'm a single parent to 4 although i have a couple of grown up children as well. And I would take my grandson in a heart beat. I would do anything to keep him out of the care system. But that's my own situation. Yours will be different.

You are wise to think about it very hard, any child who has been through the trauma she has been through will likely come with their own needs. It is not as easy as just loving them and things will come good because chances are life will be very hard for you all. It is not like having your birth child, it is a very different relationship.