Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say no - relatives child

551 replies

littlepercy · 30/12/2022 16:35

I'm feeling pretty awful about this so wanted to get some opinions.

My SIL and her husband are a mess and always have been. They have recently had their 4 year old daughter removed from them for reasons I won't go into here. They are hoping to get her back living with them eventually but when that will be who knows (if ever).

SIL is DHs only sibling and therefore DN is his only niece too. His parents are elderly and cannot help. We are being asked to take DN indefinitely to avoid more permenant foster care.

We have 2 DC together, a DS who is 3 and a DD who is 6. I am a SAHM and DH works full time.

We technically have the room here but I don't think this is something I could cope with, I'd be essentially on my own dealing with this as DH would be at work. Understandably DN is showing troubling behaviour too due to all the upheaval.

DH feeling under pressure from his sister and feels awful saying no but understands as it's me who'd be expected to do most stuff day to day then it's really down to me.

OP posts:
GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 30/12/2022 17:01

gogohmm · 30/12/2022 17:00

I'll be honest, I would. But you can also make demands of social services including foster parent support pay, respite, trial run, childcare fees paid/someone to pick her up and take her to and from childcare/different school etc. and therapy set up, you don't have to agree to just take her in with no support.

I couldn't see a siblings child in foster care. It's not the child's fault

This is also a good idea if feasible

drpet49 · 30/12/2022 17:01

Stressedmum2017 · 30/12/2022 16:41

There is absolutely no way I could see a child of my family go in to care when I could have her. Not saying it would be all roses but my god anythings better than that alternative. Poor little girl.

This.

Whowhatwherewhenwhynow · 30/12/2022 17:01

Personally I would take on my niece or nephew to keep them with family and out of the care system.

However, if you or your husband aren’t certain you want to then I think it’s best to say no immediately.

Some things to consider-
could you husband reduce hours to help with childcare?
you might be able to have some payment if you fostered her if that’s helpful for getting more time for partner to help with care.

if she’s unlikely to be returned to their care, then potentially she might end up being adopted away from the family.

if you do take her on you will likely have to facilitate contact with her parents.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 30/12/2022 17:02

It doesn't matter if you put yourselves forward for assessment or not as you won't pass, given your unwilling feelings about it, so it's a moot point.
YANBU to not feel able to do this. It's as serious as adoption and not for everyone.

Ursuladevine · 30/12/2022 17:02

In terms of what I’d do, I would take on without hesitation.

Eyerollcentral · 30/12/2022 17:03

DriftwoodOnTheShore · 30/12/2022 17:00

Of course she doesn't have to "pull herself together". She has thought about it and doesn't feel she can.

Some rude stranger on the internet ordering her about isn't helping. Shush now.

Show quote history

Who the hell do you think you are speaking to?? The OP needs to wise up, as do you, you aren’t the thread police.

Ursuladevine · 30/12/2022 17:03

But fact you and your DH not keen… perhaps actually in best interest of child to go to foster home and then hopefully adopted? No shame in that op

Generalstuff42023 · 30/12/2022 17:03

Op would you feel any different if it was your sisters child ? And not your husbands sister ?

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 30/12/2022 17:03

DriftwoodOnTheShore · 30/12/2022 16:48

They will try to pressure you to have her because they don't have to pay you when children are fostered in the family.

Your children have to come first. An experienced foster family will support DN.

This isn't true - there is a means tested special guardianship allowance. It's not the same as foster care but it's also a lot better for children than being in care which is why it's promoted, not because it's cheaper

Tohaveandtohold · 30/12/2022 17:03

Yanbu to feel this way but I’ll do it.
She’s 4 years old and has gone through a lot already. I cannot watch my niece, my children’s first cousin, go into foster care when I can help. I work and at 4, it’s not as if I need to pay for excessive nursery fees, etc at that point or pay that much extra to feed/ cloth her. I’ll just hope her parents get their acts together so she can go back home but in the meantime, I’ll step in.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 30/12/2022 17:04

Could you work towards you going to work and your husband staying at home or cutting down hours? As your youngest is 3, was this already on the cards/ horizon?

Ursuladevine · 30/12/2022 17:04

What that 4 year old must have already endured in her short life is heart breaking

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 30/12/2022 17:04

I mean you working, not husband giving up

gogohmm · 30/12/2022 17:04

@GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing

I know someone who negotiated this only 7 months ago, grandparent kinship care due to parents taking drugs (very sad) child after 3 months was struggling (summer holidays didn't help) but then turned a corner and 6 months in is doing brilliantly and has been on a trip to Lapland recently organised by a charity

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 30/12/2022 17:04

pinkyredrose · 30/12/2022 16:49

Why wouldn't you want to help? Could your husband get compassionate leave from work? If you were unable to care for your children what would you like to happen to them?

I think you should at least try having her, she's had enough upheaval already.

They can't just 'try' having her. They will need to pass assessment which they need to be 100% committed to to pass.

Whowhatwherewhenwhynow · 30/12/2022 17:05

Ursuladevine · 30/12/2022 17:03

But fact you and your DH not keen… perhaps actually in best interest of child to go to foster home and then hopefully adopted? No shame in that op

I agree.
better for her to go straight to foster care than to go to a relatives home and have to leave there as well after it not working out.

Op needs a good think and if she don’t think she can do it that’s ok. It’s better to be honest than to say yes because you feel you should then end up having a breakdown or feeling resentment towards her.

BookwormButNoTime · 30/12/2022 17:05

This is exceptionally hard. You are right to be fully thinking through all the implications.

However, if you were talking about your own children then would you prefer they stayed with the family or that they went into foster care? For me I really wouldn’t want to take the child in but I would feel I would have to because I would be a hypocrite if I didn’t.

I don’t think it’s just a yes / no decision though. It’s one where you need to sit down with social services and talk through everything. What happens if you do take her in and her behaviour worsens? What happens if she’s still with you after a year? What happens if you aren’t coping? What happens with parental visitation?

This little girl has had the worst possible start to life. The stability of a safe family life may mean she becomes settled. The reality is nobody knows just how things will pan out. You have every right to be scared and going into it with open eyes is entirely correct. I wouldn’t want to be in your shoes.

Ursuladevine · 30/12/2022 17:06

DH feeling under pressure from his sister

his sister? The one who has been abusive / neglectful of her child?

a) she will have bugger all to do with the process

b) she’s hardly someone I’d trust to have her daughters best interests at heart

an have SS even suggested this?

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 30/12/2022 17:06

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 30/12/2022 16:55

Be prepared that your dh may well decide to take her regardless. You would then need to decide whether you stay and support his choice or not.

Care would be an absolute last resort for me, much as I'd hate to have more kids to look after.

This is totally impossible. He couldn't be positively assessed to care for the child if his wife wasn't in agreement.

Generalstuff42023 · 30/12/2022 17:07

Sadly it's not uncommon for children to be neglected and abused in the care system. I'm not saying it happens all the the time. But it's also not uncommon

Eyerollcentral · 30/12/2022 17:07

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 30/12/2022 17:04

They can't just 'try' having her. They will need to pass assessment which they need to be 100% committed to to pass.

Show quote history

Well they can at least have the assessment and if they meet the criteria they can see how it works out. You do know that the authorities will move children if things don’t work out?

ZeViteVitchofCwismas · 30/12/2022 17:07

I would commit to a trial with the pp mentioned demands eg Money, respite care etc etc.

girlmom21 · 30/12/2022 17:08

I would leave my DP if he refused to take on my niece or nephew and the only other option was foster care

fastandthecurious1 · 30/12/2022 17:08

If you are not fully able and willing then it's a no sadly. You have to think about your family first as much as the poor kids deserves it, it is not you and you're husband you have failed her.
Are you able to have a lot of contact / respite to help buy nor full time?

Ursuladevine · 30/12/2022 17:08

Why are posters saying that the OP should have this little girl.

The OP isn’t keen
The DH isn’t keen

However there will be a foster family out there, experienced, very keen to welcome her into their home