To say no - relatives child

[littlepercy]

I'm feeling pretty awful about this so wanted to get some opinions.

My SIL and her husband are a mess and always have been. They have recently had their 4 year old daughter removed from them for reasons I won't go into here. They are hoping to get her back living with them eventually but when that will be who knows (if ever).

SIL is DHs only sibling and therefore DN is his only niece too. His parents are elderly and cannot help. We are being asked to take DN indefinitely to avoid more permenant foster care.

We have 2 DC together, a DS who is 3 and a DD who is 6. I am a SAHM and DH works full time.

We technically have the room here but I don't think this is something I could cope with, I'd be essentially on my own dealing with this as DH would be at work. Understandably DN is showing troubling behaviour too due to all the upheaval.

DH feeling under pressure from his sister and feels awful saying no but understands as it's me who'd be expected to do most stuff day to day then it's really down to me.

She won't be placed if the OP is ambivalent. They won't be positively assessed. It won't happen.

From my work life I know there’s a real lack of places in care to start with.

I couldn’t let a child go into the care system when I had the space and time to care for them myself, she’s been through enough in her young life already.

Whilst your niece and the situation she’s in aren’t your responsibility, do you think you would feel guilt if she had unsuccessful placements?

Its a horrible position to be in but I just couldn’t say no, even if I wanted to.

This is a 4 year old abused child.

Thankfully SS doesn’t look at placing an abused child on a “trial” basis

I'd do it if it were my nieces and nephews, I love my nieces and nephews so much I'd feel that I had no option, I couldn't put them into the care system. Same if their parents died, they'd come to me.

She's also your DC cousin unless they have other cousins.
Cousin's sometimes get in better than. Siblings.

Can your DH get time off ... special consideration, etc other care...

Don’t feel pressured to take a troubled and damaged child on when you already have your hands full with two young DC of your own. You’re very sensible to think it through carefully - if just the thought of it feels unmanageable then I can promise the reality will be much worse.

I can only imagine that many of the posters saying they’d never allow a family member to go into care and referring to financial/practical/emotional support from social services, have no experience and limited knowledge of these things. Family care is the free option - it’s relatively easy to guilt trip relatives to take kids in and then there is no support.

Your DC will inevitably be impacted by the presence of a troubled child being thrown into their family dynamic. Your niece isn’t displaying troubling behaviour just because of the disruption of being removed from her birth parents - she’s troubled because of the 4 years she was with her ‘mess’ of parents. You can’t fix that.

It’s a sad situation, but it sounds like your niece would be best placed as a sole charge of a foster carer with heaps of experience of dealing with traumatised young children.

Try not to feel guilty - the well-being of your DC, your mental and physical health and the survival of your marriage are also important factors which need to be protected.

There is no trial period of being a carer for a child. They could commit to a short term period of care but the LA wouldn't be keen if it wasn't going to be long term, it would probably be worse for the child than not going there at all.

I cant envisage any situation where I would leave a niece to be brought up by strangers because her parents had failed her and it would be too inconvenient on me. I would move heaven and earth to have them kept with me in your circumstances, and ensure that the child knows how important they are to their family and how much they are loved.

That poor child.

Then there is no problem with them going through the assessment? At least in the future the poor child will know that she wasn’t just abandoned without consideration by her aunt and uncle

Surely it's far better to give op a trial with her uncle and op than not at all?

I don’t think the OP will be called upon. A 4 year old abused child with behavioural issues found to a reluctant (no judgement) family with no experience of dealing with disturbed behaviour and a young family

I was under the impression that the special guardianship money was about £18 a week as opposed to £450 or so a week for foster careers?

What is it you can't cope with - troubling behaviour, impact on your family, extra work for you or finances? You have every right to think about these implications and if it doesn't feel right to be honest. If it's more down to the troubling behaviour, what is it? If you've got two reasonably well behaved DC who you know how to deal with if there is a problem, doesn't mean to say that way will help with some behaviour issues. I guess you and DH have spoken in depth about this, if not at least talk over your fears - if you still don't feel right about it after any reassurances from DH, then probably better for DM to be fostered than risk tensions/transfer to fostercare after yours.

OP, all the people saying this kind of thing are not faced with the prospect of a traumatised four year old joining the family. ‘Of course I’d do it’ is an incredibly easy thing to say in the abstract, if you won’t ever have to actually do it.

I say this as an adopter.

PPs have posed some great questions to help you get clarity. I’d ask for meetings with SS, and go through all of those questions.

I would also add that you want to know what sort of support is available and what will the LA pay for?

I’d also want to meet the foster carer for an honest conversation about your niece’s behaviour.

You don’t need to make this decision in a hurry.

They can have an initial viability assessment which is a couple of sessions and use the time to talk through all the pros and cons. They won't be put forward for full assessment if they are ambivalent. It's a huge process and isn't done unless the applicants are serious about their intentions.

It's a very hard decision but I would take in any of my siblings children without a second thought.

@littlepercy The 4 yr old is bound to have severe neglect and been put at serious risk of harm if she is being removed from her parents.

Friend adopted a 4 yr old and It absolutely hammered their family.
( Friend has bio children)
Attachment disorder is very common as is severe behavioural issues caused from trauma / neglect at birth parent’s house.

Your own children could well be adversely affected.
Severe behaviour challenges last decades.
Early damage is almost impossible to rectify.

Whilst there are a number of amazing foster carers out there the care system is not something I would want any child to go into if there is any other suitable option. I don’t know you so have no idea if you are capable of caring for another child but if it is possible think what rules you would need in place and demand these are met ie support from social services for behaviour, financial, defined contact for birth parents etc.

it’s not really surprising the girl has behavioural issues if her parents are a mess - some behaviour can be improved with love and care whilst some can be so deep rooted that many years of love and therapy is needed.

good luck

I would do it, but that's neither here nor there. You should absolutely not do it because you feel obliged. Your husband may feel obliged but ultimately it will be you that will end up as the primary carer and you shouldn't do this unless you are 100% sure. If your husband was the stay at home parent then perhaps it would be different.
I wouldn't feel bad about his sister putting pressure on him. Presumably she is not blameless and didn't put the same pressure on herself to prevent this happening! I know it's not that simple, but you get the gist.

I can't imagine not having her but I do see your point.

Are the parents able to pay for a nanny or some time with a childminder to make it easier for you IF you decide you can take her?

There is no way either me or dp would see either his sisters or my brother's children in care. No way at all.

I should prob add I am saying this as a mother of bio child and adopted ones. Also fostered for a while

You might think that

but thankfully SS don’t set up plans for abused children on a “trial basis”

It depends on the area. In my area it's 180 or 230 a week full allowance. This is reduced by about £60 if the carers can claim UC and CB to top it up.