To say no - relatives child

[littlepercy]

I'm feeling pretty awful about this so wanted to get some opinions.

My SIL and her husband are a mess and always have been. They have recently had their 4 year old daughter removed from them for reasons I won't go into here. They are hoping to get her back living with them eventually but when that will be who knows (if ever).

SIL is DHs only sibling and therefore DN is his only niece too. His parents are elderly and cannot help. We are being asked to take DN indefinitely to avoid more permenant foster care.

We have 2 DC together, a DS who is 3 and a DD who is 6. I am a SAHM and DH works full time.

We technically have the room here but I don't think this is something I could cope with, I'd be essentially on my own dealing with this as DH would be at work. Understandably DN is showing troubling behaviour too due to all the upheaval.

DH feeling under pressure from his sister and feels awful saying no but understands as it's me who'd be expected to do most stuff day to day then it's really down to me.

I think if you choose not to do this then you shouldn’t feel bad. We usually choose to have our own children but not nieces and nephews. The extra stress can have an impact on all those in the house. Go with your instinct.

This. I couldn't send a child into care. Just imagine what horrors await her.

I wouldn't want to but I would do it because the alternative would be too grim to contemplate.

Our grandson was on child protection and we went through all the hoops for him to come and live with us should the family court decide that's what was best. He was 8 months old and I had a 9 year old at home too. It was such a stressful few years and I know it affected my youngest dd BUT we would never have seen him goto care and my young dd absolutely loves him and wouldn't have wanted us to not care for him. As it is 8 years later he is settled with his mum my older dd although he's with us every Friday for sleepover. I would have fought with every power I had to keep him with us. Yes those 2 years under social service care and all the waiting for court was hard but I would do it again in a heartbeat. Please please really think about it. She's a little person that needs her family x

What do you think foster care is like?!

Lots of opinions and projection on here.

OP, if you're not feeling too overwhelmed to keep reading, here's some practical advice.

Kinship is the organisation in England which supports these style of arrangements, which are called kinship care. It would be worth contacting them and asking for help to understand your situation and what the options might be.

Things to check are whether this is a temporary placement or they're looking for long term. I would assume temporary if she's recently been removed as usually the parents are offered chances to change and demonstrate they can parent safely before the child is permanently removed. But you'll have to weigh up whether you think your relatives are capable of pulling it round.

If after getting expert advice from Kinship or similar you think you might be able to offer her a place, PP is right that you can ask for additional support arrangements, but the time to get it agreed would be before placement as afterwards you would have to fight for everything. You should ask for an allowance, access to child therapy abd an annual review of needs, and for whatever contact arrangements you think you can handle including the parents not coming to your home if you don't think it will be in your DCs interests.

Good luck - it's terribly sad

You have to make this decision jointly with your husband. I don't feel we have the authority to say what's best. Good luck OP.

Good Lord.

and your experience of fostering is….

my dear friend fosters. It is a very very happy and stable home

She's young enough that you can help her to get past this bad start in life. Or leave her and not. I'm not sure about the distinction with his niece rather than yours, is there a reason why you don't recognise her as family? All our DNs are ours, that's just how it's been, and we see the same from DH's SIL and my BIL; they love DS as their own DN. I think the background behind your distinction really matters. Is it because DH isn't close with her either and down to his sister's behaviour, or is it because you're not actually one family unit due to your own relationship issues? The reason I ask is that if you aren't rock solid then you might cause more issues than you solve by bringing her in and then breaking up. If you're not helping her because of her having a useless mum and dad though, that's not right.

If you do choose to help, then you need to lay down ground rules very carefully, and get social services to help you set these sensibly. It won't help you nor the girl if you take her but allow too much contact with inadequate parents. Supervised visits, presents and some calls are great. Irregular contact with her not knowing who is caring for her is disruptive.

I was in a similar situation and offered to have the children immediately. I really couldn't have not done that and them go somewhere else. Circumstances changed though and I didn't have care of them in the end. I think as someone else said, think how you would want your own children handled in this situation.

I was in a slightly different position because the child was my step daughter, but a similar experience all the same.
Social services called my husband and said they had removed his daughter from her mother (for reasons I can’t go into, we didn’t know there was any problem until this point) and she could come and live here or go into foster care. They had her in the car with a weekend bag and needed to drop her off now.

Obviously we said yes because she is my husbands daughter, but it was still difficult. We got no financial help as she was living with her dad so it was a stretch at first because he had literally just paid his maintenance money out a few days before. We had to buy everything she needed as she hadn’t really brought much with her. We also had to attend therapy with her which is when it got really hard. Everything began flooding out that she had been hiding and bottling up. The tempers, frustration and trauma all started spilling out and it was a nightmare for a while. We wanted to help her but were helpless for a while.

A lot of her care fell to me because I was a sahm and we couldn’t afford for my husband to take time off unpaid. It was really the most difficult time. She fought with us, fought with her siblings and had been brainwashed into thinking her mam had been wrongly accused so blames everyone else for not being able to see her.

But we worked through it, and now we are closer than ever. She still has issues, still believes her Mam was ‘set up’ by social services, and even after a court case, evidence and a guilty verdict, still believes another party is innocent. But we’ve moved on, accepted to disagree in that point and getting her to the place she is now is insanely rewarding. She passed her GCSEs, goes to college, has a part time job and is an amazing young woman.

So basically, if you can make a difference to this child then please do, it will be so rewarding, but if you don’t think you can cope, don’t feel bad about that, because it’s going to be so hard, the most challenging thing you’ll do, and that little girl needs someone who can succeed. There’s no shame in admitting that person may not be you.

I wouldn't want to either but i would. I have a relationship with my neices and nephews outside of their parents and couldnt see them go into care unless i couldn't possibly help.

I’m pretty sure I would say no. Fact is, I don’t love any kids other than my own and that’s not fair on incoming niece. Start afresh out of the family and away from any potential drama and blurred boundaries. Poor girl though!

I'd weigh up the potential detrimental effects on my own DC and prioritise them. Secondly, your mental health.
I don't think I could do it.

I've known some amazing foster carers. They do it, largely, because they want to and have to negotiate ask manner of issues with their chsrges. In all honesty, I would not want to bring up a child I hadn't given birth to. But that's because I am not a very maternal person and there are people far better suited to that. Added to which, that young girl is going to have issues that may not even appear fully until her teens.

I honestly can't decide what I'd do if I were you. Would I feel compelled to take her then resent it? Would it drive a wedge between dh and I if I didn't? Would my kids judge me later, either way?

Presumably your DH didn’t hesitate?

This wasn’t his niece . This was his daughter.

Sort of situation where had you said no, then he would have packed his bags and moved out in order to have his daughter with him?

For all saying "I couldn't let the child go into care", in-family fostering can sometimes be the worse option, especially if the parent they were removed from remains part of the family's lives

My ex neighbours did this with their son's child, and the poor lad became utterly traumatised with accusations and counter accusations flying around about the grandparents "stealing him" and worse. Obviously social services were involved, but the usual "staff shortages" meant proper support was rarely available and as so often the child paid the price

Just something to bear in mind when suggesting removal from the family's unthinkable

I haven’t voted as it’s a big, complex decision, but I would have to take her. Your children sandwich her in age and one is in school, - so it’s not a scenario where you think you are clear of the small children stage only to find yourself back. You are a full time SAHM so not juggling. The killer fir me is being aware of how poor out ones are for children who end up in the care system 🙁
I WOULD hold SS to ransom to a degree to secure financial support and a funded childcare place, family foster carers often get shafted.

Totally agree!
All the omg ! Posters are the worst.
The Op is being sensible and realistic.
Let's face it her own parents have failed her, sometimes Foster care is the best option

There almost certainly won't be a foster home waiting for her. If there was a huge surplus, this wouldn't be an issue.

I’d have to take her, I couldn’t let my child’s cousin go in foster care whilst I was a SAHM. But a large part of the responsibility will fall to you, so you do need to consider it carefully. Poor little girl - hope it all works out

Tough. If she lives with you will SIL just expect to carry on as she is and put pressure on to bend rules?

Sad DH has passed the buck to you and not considered how desperately he wants niece and whether he would change his lifestyle/job.

How likely is it to be properly temporary? Where are PIL in all of this?

Going into care will very significantly affect this girl's life and prospects, potentially forever. I couldn't have that on my conscience, particularly if I didn't work.

Your sister in law is putting your husband ( her brother) under pressure to step in, yet she’s the one in the wrong. She’s the one who’s obviously failed her own child , as she’s put her into this situation.
She shouldn’t be putting him under pressure.

I just did a post and it dissapeared.

Here In the south east there is a huge fostering crisis and they are begging people to come forward to help.
I know a few foster carers and whilst some are fine, some are amazing,there are some who do the bare minimum for the £.
The child gets very little of the £ doesn't get taken anywhere and the foster carers dx come first always.