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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say no - relatives child

551 replies

littlepercy · 30/12/2022 16:35

I'm feeling pretty awful about this so wanted to get some opinions.

My SIL and her husband are a mess and always have been. They have recently had their 4 year old daughter removed from them for reasons I won't go into here. They are hoping to get her back living with them eventually but when that will be who knows (if ever).

SIL is DHs only sibling and therefore DN is his only niece too. His parents are elderly and cannot help. We are being asked to take DN indefinitely to avoid more permenant foster care.

We have 2 DC together, a DS who is 3 and a DD who is 6. I am a SAHM and DH works full time.

We technically have the room here but I don't think this is something I could cope with, I'd be essentially on my own dealing with this as DH would be at work. Understandably DN is showing troubling behaviour too due to all the upheaval.

DH feeling under pressure from his sister and feels awful saying no but understands as it's me who'd be expected to do most stuff day to day then it's really down to me.

OP posts:
FrownedUpon · 30/12/2022 16:52

I’d have to take her in. I couldn’t live with myself if I let her go into foster care.

cadburyegg · 30/12/2022 16:52

I couldn't see a 4 year old being taken into care, possibly forever, if there is a chance that I could do something about it.

If she ends up being taken away from them forever then at her age she may never be adopted. Statistically care leavers don't have great prospects.

Her family situation must be absolutely awful for her to have been taken away from her parents.

If there is any way you can make it work, I would. Even if it means rethinking you and your DH's work situation.

Martialisthebestpup · 30/12/2022 16:53

Is it an option to have DN (and maybe her foster mum?) round for a playdate and tea once a week? So still keeping an ongoing link with her extended family but without the pressure of having her live with you? I would be very worried about her parents coming round all the time if you were to take her on full time.

Fiftyand · 30/12/2022 16:53

Stressedmum2017 · 30/12/2022 16:41

There is absolutely no way I could see a child of my family go in to care when I could have her. Not saying it would be all roses but my god anythings better than that alternative. Poor little girl.

I completely agree with this. Going into care should be the last resort. It might not be easy for you but the affect on your niece, to be with family, will be immeasurable.

Eyerollcentral · 30/12/2022 16:54

She is your niece too. I cannot believe you would consider not taking the poor child in to your home.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 30/12/2022 16:55

Be prepared that your dh may well decide to take her regardless. You would then need to decide whether you stay and support his choice or not.

Care would be an absolute last resort for me, much as I'd hate to have more kids to look after.

AnneLovesGilbert · 30/12/2022 16:55

Consider your own children and ensure they remain safe happy and secure in their home

This little girl is already traumatised and showing troubling behaviour. It’s impossible for OP to ensure her own very young children stay happy and secure if she takes this responsibility on.

Tempyname · 30/12/2022 16:56

Social services will assess your situation, you won’t just be taking her in without then also seeing this as a good option. Plenty of opportunities to ask some of the questions posters have shared and then take a considered view.

theonlygirl · 30/12/2022 16:56

Awful situation to find yourself in but I'd have to take her. At least try. There's no way I could see her go into care. Hopefully, at 4 she will benefit from being in a loving, stable environment and any difficult behaviour can be turned around.

AnneLovesGilbert · 30/12/2022 16:56

Eyerollcentral · 30/12/2022 16:54

She is your niece too. I cannot believe you would consider not taking the poor child in to your home.

She is considering it and has decided it’s probably more than she can cope with.

Shinyandnew1 · 30/12/2022 16:57

How big would would the financial impact be on your household of feeding/clothing etc one more child?

Has the social worker mentioned this. Usually when the family can be persuaded to take in a child, there is no money that comes with this, whereas a foster carer would be given financial support.

Sparkletastic · 30/12/2022 16:58

I'd do it.

imsureineverdo · 30/12/2022 16:58

Stressedmum2017 · 30/12/2022 16:41

There is absolutely no way I could see a child of my family go in to care when I could have her. Not saying it would be all roses but my god anythings better than that alternative. Poor little girl.

Absolutely agree.

Eyerollcentral · 30/12/2022 16:58

Of course she can cope with it. She only has two children of her own and doesn’t work. How do you think the 4 year old will cope being pushed pillar to post in the care system? It’s her husband’s flesh and blood. She needs to pull herself together and try at least.

Bronzeisthecolour · 30/12/2022 16:58

What do you think you would struggle with? The situation or the actual care if child? If i was a SAHM I would definitely take my niece in if care was the it her option. Bug decision but honestly why wouldn't you? Is she in school?

ImAvingOops · 30/12/2022 16:59

I can't vote because I think it's impossible to say - whatever you do is going to have repercussions.

Id say to ignore any pressure from sil - it's her fault her child is going into care. She's lost the right to an opinion on what ^you* should or should not be doing.

A pp asked a lot of really important questions that you need to get clarified from social services about your potential obligations, your rights to parent as you see fit and the support you would get. I think you need to get those answers before you definitely decide.

I would do this for my nephews if need be, but no one can say you definitely should, particularly as you will get the bulk of the work.

Nanny0gg · 30/12/2022 17:00

Are you worried there would be trouble from the birth parents?

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 30/12/2022 17:00

I don’t have any nephews or nieces of my own so not really in a position to say. Never will do, sadly for my brothers and SILs (long stories).

I think I’d find it hard to see a child go into foster care in these circumstances. But would also not judge anyone else in a situation I’m never likely to find myself in.

DriftwoodOnTheShore · 30/12/2022 17:00

Eyerollcentral · 30/12/2022 16:58

Of course she can cope with it. She only has two children of her own and doesn’t work. How do you think the 4 year old will cope being pushed pillar to post in the care system? It’s her husband’s flesh and blood. She needs to pull herself together and try at least.

Of course she doesn't have to "pull herself together". She has thought about it and doesn't feel she can.

Some rude stranger on the internet ordering her about isn't helping. Shush now.

IhateJan22 · 30/12/2022 17:00

If you can take them, I work with children in care at 16/17/18 and the most difficult thing they struggle to deal with is the rejection. The behaviour difficulties might ease off after they’ve been nurtured a bit. I understand the reluctance but I can’t imagine being a young child away from everything familiar and not really understanding why, if I could be the difference for them I’d want to give it a go. Social Services should fully support you with this and any difficulties that might arise.

Ursuladevine · 30/12/2022 17:00

My SIL and her husband are a mess and always have been. They have recently had their 4 year old daughter removed from them for reasons I won't go into here.

”a mess” would be an understatement. This is very very serious and would have been utterly horrific for the children

gogohmm · 30/12/2022 17:00

I'll be honest, I would. But you can also make demands of social services including foster parent support pay, respite, trial run, childcare fees paid/someone to pick her up and take her to and from childcare/different school etc. and therapy set up, you don't have to agree to just take her in with no support.

I couldn't see a siblings child in foster care. It's not the child's fault

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 30/12/2022 17:01

Could your DH take some family / parental leave for the first few weeks At least?

SomethingOriginal2 · 30/12/2022 17:01

I would never let my nieces go into care and I hope my siblings would do the same for me .

TidyDancer · 30/12/2022 17:01

Is the troubling behaviour something could be improved? What would the financial impact/support be? When you say you technically have room, what does this mean? What impact would you anticipate this having on yourselves and your DCs?

I can understand you've been put in a very difficult position but I really don't think I could see a child put into the care system if it can be avoided.

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