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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be really annoyed my friend has done this (free childcare by stealth)

198 replies

Iam4eels · 30/12/2022 13:47

One of my friends messaged me yesterday saying her DC has asked if we'll be seeing my same-age DC during the holidays (the DC are also friends) and should we arrange a get together for tomorrow. I said yes and suggested a local place we all like where we can get a coffee/hot chocolate and go for a walk. Friend agreed that would be great.

She messaged again today to check everything is still okay for tomorrow and would it be easier to meet there or meet at my house. I said we could meet at mine if she liked and have lunch here before heading out. Friend said that sounds lovely but she won't have time for lunch as she's at work tomorrow afternoon so will just be dropping DC off on her way there.

Nothing in her previous messages gives any hint that it would be me looking after her DC, I genuinely thought we were all going. I don't know if she's done it on purpose or if it's been crossed wires, she is a good friend (coming up 20yrs) but she does have form for being more than a bit disorganised so I wouldn't put it past her to have left it too late to sort childcare for tomorrow and to have resorted to this instead.

While her DC and my same-age DC get along, her DC is generally less tolerant of my other DC. They are very similar in personality so they get along initially but then they start to clash and repeatedly fall out. I know for a fact that friends DC being here all afternoon and into the early evening will be a trigger point and that I'm going to be constantly refereeing by mid-afternoon. My other DC is ND and will react massively to what they view as unfairness because they just want to join in and don't always recognise when they're not wanted so I'll also have to be managing them/their interactions and intervening accordingly.

I know IANBU to feel annoyed but how do I ask her if she did this on purpose or if it was a genuine misunderstanding without causing an upset? And if I do go ahead (if) how do I tell her that she needs to have words with her DC first about tolerating my other DC? She knows I already have enough on my plate with my own DC never mind accumulating extras.

OP posts:
ApolloandDaphne · 30/12/2022 13:50

Surely you message her back and say that it's such a shame she is working and that you can reschedule for another date when she is free?

RiverSkater · 30/12/2022 13:50

Just say crossed wires, I thought we'd by having a nice walk together and a catch up as well as the DC seeing each other.
Bit frazzled from Xmas to have all the kids, let's arrange for a day you aren't working.

Poppins2016 · 30/12/2022 13:51

Option 1: I wouldn't ask. I'd say "sorry, I thought you'd be there too, having all the children on my own doesn't work for me so let's postpone getting together tomorrow and arrange a meeting when we can all catch up properly another day".

Option 2: I'd ask. "I thought you were coming too"? Then let it hang... see what she says.

Option 3: do nothing but seethe that your boundaries have been crossed.

Knockon · 30/12/2022 13:51

Ye I would be messaging something like “have I got my dates mixed up?! Arent we meeting up together tomorrow? When are you free next if you’re working?

Menomenon · 30/12/2022 13:52

Option 1: I wouldn't ask. I'd say "sorry, I thought you'd be there too, having all the children on my own doesn't work for me so let's postpone getting together tomorrow and arrange a meeting when we can all catch up properly another day".

Do this.

SweetSakura · 30/12/2022 13:52

I think it is fine to go back and say you would prefer to rearrange for a time she can make too.

SweetSakura · 30/12/2022 13:52

I think it is fine to go back and say you would prefer to rearrange for a time she can make too.

DorothyCannoli · 30/12/2022 13:52

RiverSkater · 30/12/2022 13:50

Just say crossed wires, I thought we'd by having a nice walk together and a catch up as well as the DC seeing each other.
Bit frazzled from Xmas to have all the kids, let's arrange for a day you aren't working.

This ia a great reply

NeverHadANickname · 30/12/2022 13:52

I agree, definitely do not agree to this. It wouldn't be so bad if she had asked!

VioletVesper · 30/12/2022 13:53

RiverSkater · 30/12/2022 13:50

Just say crossed wires, I thought we'd by having a nice walk together and a catch up as well as the DC seeing each other.
Bit frazzled from Xmas to have all the kids, let's arrange for a day you aren't working.

This reply is perfect.

Tomnooktoldmeto · 30/12/2022 13:53

Put the needs of your ND child first and reschedule for when the friend is free to be present and not use you as childcare to the detriment of your other child

Crackstone · 30/12/2022 13:54

“Oh I’m so sorry if there has been a misunderstanding, it’s New Year’s Eve tomorrow so we have plans and I can’t do a play date. Let’s meet up another day when you’re not working and can do lunch.”

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 30/12/2022 13:55

I'd just say something along the lines of 'oh I didn't realise you weren't coming. To be honest the last few times we have met the kids havent got on that well after the first hour or so. I agreed to have them on the basis that there would be another adult to help when it kicks off. I'm still happy to have them but they will need to be picked up by 3pm as I'm unable to have them on my own all afternoon'

whataboutsecondbreakfast · 30/12/2022 13:56

I would message and say "Oh, I didn't realise you were working - in that case, we'll have to reschedule for another day."

JoyPeaceSleep · 30/12/2022 13:56

RiverSkater · 30/12/2022 13:50

Just say crossed wires, I thought we'd by having a nice walk together and a catch up as well as the DC seeing each other.
Bit frazzled from Xmas to have all the kids, let's arrange for a day you aren't working.

Send this.

I am a single mother and I never DUPED anybody in to minding my son who was only 7 when I got back in to the workplace.

TheSandgroper · 30/12/2022 13:56

If the messages above message’s don’t work, be sure you have the plan b of going out beforehand.

Friend might be doing the sucking but you don’t have to be sucked into doing anything you don’t want to. Fine fences make for good neighbours but you need to build your fences.

Tirediam · 30/12/2022 13:57

This is very cheeky! A few good responses above you can use

FleasNavidad · 30/12/2022 13:58

Ok no probs, who's collecting them after lunch? I've an appointment at 2pm.

She'll pull out 🤣

EmmaGrundyForPM · 30/12/2022 13:58

whataboutsecondbreakfast · 30/12/2022 13:56

I would message and say "Oh, I didn't realise you were working - in that case, we'll have to reschedule for another day."

This.

AlisonDonut · 30/12/2022 13:59

I'd probably say 'huh, I must have got it mixed up, let's leave it til you can make it'.

whiteroseredrose · 30/12/2022 13:59

I'm assuming that you will message back with one of the suggested messages upthread.

There is no way that I would be looking after someone else's children at the moment.

Original poster
Iam4eels · 30/12/2022 14:00

Great ideas, thank you.

I'm more annoyed that she didn't simply ask. If she'd asked I'd have found a way, most likely by going to her house with the DC I'd have been taking to the meet up and babysitting there like we've done for each other before.

It's the bloody deception that's pissed me off.

OP posts:
Willowswood · 30/12/2022 14:01

Please let us know what response you will use! Dying to know

LookItsMeAgain · 30/12/2022 14:04

Have you sent a reply to her yet? I do hope that you do (if for no other reason than to let her know that you're not for being walked all over).

Winterpetal · 30/12/2022 14:06

ApolloandDaphne · 30/12/2022 13:50

Surely you message her back and say that it's such a shame she is working and that you can reschedule for another date when she is free?

Obviously this

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