To be really annoyed my friend has done this (free childcare by stealth)

[Iam4eels]

One of my friends messaged me yesterday saying her DC has asked if we'll be seeing my same-age DC during the holidays (the DC are also friends) and should we arrange a get together for tomorrow. I said yes and suggested a local place we all like where we can get a coffee/hot chocolate and go for a walk. Friend agreed that would be great.

She messaged again today to check everything is still okay for tomorrow and would it be easier to meet there or meet at my house. I said we could meet at mine if she liked and have lunch here before heading out. Friend said that sounds lovely but she won't have time for lunch as she's at work tomorrow afternoon so will just be dropping DC off on her way there.

Nothing in her previous messages gives any hint that it would be me looking after her DC, I genuinely thought we were all going. I don't know if she's done it on purpose or if it's been crossed wires, she is a good friend (coming up 20yrs) but she does have form for being more than a bit disorganised so I wouldn't put it past her to have left it too late to sort childcare for tomorrow and to have resorted to this instead.

While her DC and my same-age DC get along, her DC is generally less tolerant of my other DC. They are very similar in personality so they get along initially but then they start to clash and repeatedly fall out. I know for a fact that friends DC being here all afternoon and into the early evening will be a trigger point and that I'm going to be constantly refereeing by mid-afternoon. My other DC is ND and will react massively to what they view as unfairness because they just want to join in and don't always recognise when they're not wanted so I'll also have to be managing them/their interactions and intervening accordingly.

I know IANBU to feel annoyed but how do I ask her if she did this on purpose or if it was a genuine misunderstanding without causing an upset? And if I do go ahead (if) how do I tell her that she needs to have words with her DC first about tolerating my other DC? She knows I already have enough on my plate with my own DC never mind accumulating extras.

Very good reply OP

Good for you OP.

ordinarily I'd be fine to have her DC if she was short on childcare

So spineless! Why the hell did you include this?

I think that's a good message. Keeps it friendly but makes it clear that you don't want to have the extra child.

I think OP is making the point that if she had actually asked, OP might have been willing to help.

She's blatantly done it on purpose but will pretend otherwise. Well done for your response.

Good for you. I have always paid for childcare, never made my friends/ family look after Ds by stealth.

I think it is a good message. You are making it clear that you see it really was a request for childcare.

Next time she might be upfront.

Not at all spineless if it's true. Like OP I'd be happy to help a friend with childcare if I was able but I'd be pissed off with a last minute ambush. If you need help ask for it and acknowledge that I'm doing you a favour rather than dressing it up as something else.

Good message.

Well done!! Way to set a boundary 👏🏼

What are people talking about? The message is absolutely fine - the OP has told her friend that she can see exactly what’s she’s done, which is try to get free childcare. The OP is saying no.

And what’s more, the next time the OP gets a similar message to ‘catch up’ with her friend, she’ll think twice before responding - it is a genuine catch up the friend is suggesting? Or is she sneaky trying to wrangle free childcare.

The OP is totally forearmed for next time - and will make sure she’s fully clear on what’s being suggested before agreeing to anything. Perfect.

Let us know how she replies.

This

I'm glad you stood up for yourself; shame about the caveat. she knew exactly what she was doing, and frankly, that's just not on.

Well done OP, that’s a great reply as it shows you know what she’s done. Great job :)

Fabulous response!

Pretty shit way to treat a friend, by duping them. Stick to your guns.

Hopefully she drops it!

That's really naughty. I think you've done the right thing.

Well done, OP. You had to make a stand otherwise the feeling of being 'ambushed' rankles. She knows now that you can't be manipulated.

Sounds fine. This way she knows to ask in future

Perfect respons, well done.

It is the sneaky way she has done it tjat would bother me and as you say it really wont work and you could have arranged things differently had she asked properly.

If it doesn't work for you then you need to speak up for yourself. I had a friend that shamelessly used me for free childcare for nearly a decade however the situation worked for me as our DC were great friends. When my DS grew out of the friendship I cut ties with my CF friend as the situation had stopped working for me. It's a different scenario to yours as I wasn't all that keen on the friend but my point is that it is okay to say and do what you need/want.

I don't think it's spineless if it's true. The OP is calling the CF out by referring to it as childcare. She is politely saying 'I know what you're up to and I'm not having it.' Well done OP!