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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be really annoyed my friend has done this (free childcare by stealth)

198 replies

Iam4eels · 30/12/2022 13:47

One of my friends messaged me yesterday saying her DC has asked if we'll be seeing my same-age DC during the holidays (the DC are also friends) and should we arrange a get together for tomorrow. I said yes and suggested a local place we all like where we can get a coffee/hot chocolate and go for a walk. Friend agreed that would be great.

She messaged again today to check everything is still okay for tomorrow and would it be easier to meet there or meet at my house. I said we could meet at mine if she liked and have lunch here before heading out. Friend said that sounds lovely but she won't have time for lunch as she's at work tomorrow afternoon so will just be dropping DC off on her way there.

Nothing in her previous messages gives any hint that it would be me looking after her DC, I genuinely thought we were all going. I don't know if she's done it on purpose or if it's been crossed wires, she is a good friend (coming up 20yrs) but she does have form for being more than a bit disorganised so I wouldn't put it past her to have left it too late to sort childcare for tomorrow and to have resorted to this instead.

While her DC and my same-age DC get along, her DC is generally less tolerant of my other DC. They are very similar in personality so they get along initially but then they start to clash and repeatedly fall out. I know for a fact that friends DC being here all afternoon and into the early evening will be a trigger point and that I'm going to be constantly refereeing by mid-afternoon. My other DC is ND and will react massively to what they view as unfairness because they just want to join in and don't always recognise when they're not wanted so I'll also have to be managing them/their interactions and intervening accordingly.

I know IANBU to feel annoyed but how do I ask her if she did this on purpose or if it was a genuine misunderstanding without causing an upset? And if I do go ahead (if) how do I tell her that she needs to have words with her DC first about tolerating my other DC? She knows I already have enough on my plate with my own DC never mind accumulating extras.

OP posts:
RandomCatGenerator · 30/12/2022 15:27

RiverSkater · 30/12/2022 13:50

Just say crossed wires, I thought we'd by having a nice walk together and a catch up as well as the DC seeing each other.
Bit frazzled from Xmas to have all the kids, let's arrange for a day you aren't working.

Great reply

LookItsMeAgain · 30/12/2022 15:29

Have you replied yet @Iam4eels ?

LAMPS1 · 30/12/2022 15:29

Oh, - you now have to work tomorrow ! That’s a shame. OK no problem let’s reschedule for when you know you will be free. Actually I’d prefer another day anyway. Hear from you soon then. Happy new year!

PuppyMonkey · 30/12/2022 15:31

Are people going to carry on posting a slightly different version of the “let’s reschedule” text for the rest of the thread.Grin

The frazzled one is the best.

Original poster
Iam4eels · 30/12/2022 15:41

I've messaged her to say that I've totally misunderstood the arrangements and I thought we were all going, that ordinarily I'd be fine to have her DC if she was short on childcare but this weekend isn't good because I'm knackered and don't think I can properly manage an extra DC. Have offered to meet up next week on her day off.

OP posts:
Ilikewinter · 30/12/2022 15:45

Good for you....wonder if she'll reply

Willowswood · 30/12/2022 15:48

Iam4eels · 30/12/2022 15:41

I've messaged her to say that I've totally misunderstood the arrangements and I thought we were all going, that ordinarily I'd be fine to have her DC if she was short on childcare but this weekend isn't good because I'm knackered and don't think I can properly manage an extra DC. Have offered to meet up next week on her day off.

Yay!!! Go you!! Let us know what she says. 💪🏼

custardbear · 30/12/2022 15:50

Good for you

TidyDancer · 30/12/2022 15:50

That's an excellent message. Well done you for standing up for yourself!

WallaceinAnderland · 30/12/2022 15:51

She will say how disappointed her DD is and lay on the guilt so be prepared for that.

YoSofi · 30/12/2022 15:55

Excellent message Op

NRCOA · 30/12/2022 15:55

Well done, that's a great message for a few different reasons!

As someone said, be prepared for some emotional blackmail possibly coming your way; don't listen to it!!

MichelleScarn · 30/12/2022 15:56

kegofcoffee · 30/12/2022 15:14

Personally I'd probably say:

'Oh I thought you'd be there too rather than just dropping the kids off. We have plans at X o clock so you'll need to pick them up by then'

So you help her out for a few hours, but they are picked up before they start to clash.

If she doesn't already have form for this, you don't want to create a precedent. But also you never know when you might want the favour repaid.

Suppose depends if she is a cf or not! Am sure have seen similar threads when 'something' comes up and cf then can't make it back in time.

FrankTheCondor · 30/12/2022 15:58

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines - previously banned poster.

Pipsquiggle · 30/12/2022 16:01

Well done OP

Tiani4 · 30/12/2022 16:04

It's great you've texted back to say a polite no, but I think you've short yourself in foot saying "..ordinarily you'd be fine to have her child if she was short on childcare but (then a version of not this time)"

Bc she will think it's ok to do this again and to keep asking you. You've already told us inMN that you don't like having her DS with all your DCs as he isn't kind/inclusive to your younger ND DC

So I'd nip any offers of childcare in the bud and put your DCs first

IncompleteSenten · 30/12/2022 16:04

That was the right response.

Just have one ready for the guilt trip that's on its way

Newjobformoremoney · 30/12/2022 16:05

I think you could be my hero with that response.

GetMeOut87 · 30/12/2022 16:05

Well done OP, great text

TheGoodEnoughWife · 30/12/2022 16:10

Excellent response

ImAvingOops · 30/12/2022 16:12

It would have been a great text if you hadn't fucked it up by saying you'd ordinarily be okay as back up childcare. You aren't, but we're too weak to say so. CF can smell weakness like a shark smells blood in the water.

Beautiful3 · 30/12/2022 16:16

Well done op.

WunWun · 30/12/2022 16:18

Please tell us if she replies!

Bunce1 · 30/12/2022 16:21

That’s good. Well done.

LooLooLemon · 30/12/2022 16:23

Well done pushing back. Sounds like a classic CF move from your friend!!

I had this when a nursery mum messaged that her DC wanted to play with my DC. I replied “that would be fun, what time are you thinking?”, she replied “great I’ll drop him off at 9am”… which I quickly rebuffed as it was during a school holiday and our childminder was ill and I was already trying to juggle wfh and DS!! Cheeky bugger.

A few weeks later, I invited her DS to a birthday party at soft play place starting at 12pm. She replied to say yes and she’s have to drop her DS to my house at 10am, as she had a prior appointment and thought she would be able to get to the venue for pick up at 2pm!! Total CF!! Again, I pushed back saying I wouldn’t be able to host a party for 30 kids whilst looking after her child too.

We’re not in contact (my choice) now 😂

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