To be really annoyed my friend has done this (free childcare by stealth)

[Iam4eels]

One of my friends messaged me yesterday saying her DC has asked if we'll be seeing my same-age DC during the holidays (the DC are also friends) and should we arrange a get together for tomorrow. I said yes and suggested a local place we all like where we can get a coffee/hot chocolate and go for a walk. Friend agreed that would be great.

She messaged again today to check everything is still okay for tomorrow and would it be easier to meet there or meet at my house. I said we could meet at mine if she liked and have lunch here before heading out. Friend said that sounds lovely but she won't have time for lunch as she's at work tomorrow afternoon so will just be dropping DC off on her way there.

Nothing in her previous messages gives any hint that it would be me looking after her DC, I genuinely thought we were all going. I don't know if she's done it on purpose or if it's been crossed wires, she is a good friend (coming up 20yrs) but she does have form for being more than a bit disorganised so I wouldn't put it past her to have left it too late to sort childcare for tomorrow and to have resorted to this instead.

While her DC and my same-age DC get along, her DC is generally less tolerant of my other DC. They are very similar in personality so they get along initially but then they start to clash and repeatedly fall out. I know for a fact that friends DC being here all afternoon and into the early evening will be a trigger point and that I'm going to be constantly refereeing by mid-afternoon. My other DC is ND and will react massively to what they view as unfairness because they just want to join in and don't always recognise when they're not wanted so I'll also have to be managing them/their interactions and intervening accordingly.

I know IANBU to feel annoyed but how do I ask her if she did this on purpose or if it was a genuine misunderstanding without causing an upset? And if I do go ahead (if) how do I tell her that she needs to have words with her DC first about tolerating my other DC? She knows I already have enough on my plate with my own DC never mind accumulating extras.

Or she'll expect OP to take them along to the appointment with her!

“Oh I misunderstood, I thought you agreed to come for lunch and a trip to the park with our dc? Let’s reschedule for a day when you’re available too.” If asked why you could say “both of us need to be there to supervise our children.” CF!

reply "LOL what? That's not what we arranged, let's reschedule'
I'd be digging my heels in over this
She knows precisely what she's done

The first couple replies on here are pretty perfect. Just send her that.

And dont feel guilty. It is your kids' xmas holiday too, and they dont need to spend it feeling unhappy at a house guest being dumped on you all day.

I would be direct - “sorry I think we’ve had crossed wires. I thought we were all meeting together, you included. I hadn’t realised meant you needed childcare”.

Does she actually need childcare or is her partner/other person about and looking after other children. If not it does sound a bit suspect.

Just say 'let's go earlier then so you can fit it in before going to work as I also have an appointment in the afternoon'. Cheeky mare.

How old are the children? It makes a bit of a difference if they’re toddlers or teenagers.

Wow yeah, very deceptive.

Don't do it. Don't collude as she'll take it as a green light. Protect your ND DC. They're the ones who will have to bear the brunt.

Another vote for this one - word for word. Light, breezy, but crystal clear.

Yeah I agree with the majority, you can't let this go because she'll get the idea she can repeat the poor behaviour. Yes you could just say no if/when she did it again but it will annoy you and that's not something you want to have happen in a long-standing friendship.

I'd go for 'well if you can't make it now let's rearrange for a day you can. See you soon.'

Don’t be a walkover

Please do what @RiverSkater says! You'll feel better for being clear and politely pushing back.

You said she's disorganised so I'd assume she thinks she'd made is clear she isn't coming and hasn't, you haven't said she's a cf with form got taking liberties and lying to get what she wants. So which is she?

I'd just reply "eh? I thought we were all catching up? Shall we reschedule for when you're free?"

I would message her back ASAP (so she can't guilt trip you for leaving it till the last minute so she can't find other childcare even though it's her own fault) with something along the lines of "Sorry Friend, must have our wires crossed. I thought we were all going out together for a walk for an hour or so, I didn't agree to babysit? If I'd known that's what you wanted I'd have said no as we have other plans to lie on the sofa and do nothing without kids arguing made for after the walk so it's just not possible for me to have your kids. If you still want to go for a walk let me know, otherwise we'll have to arrange something after the New Year."

Hi Friend - hmm, I thought we were all meeting up? I can't do tomorrow on my own with them all I'm afraid, [ND child] gets really overwrought when they all get together and I'm just too frazzled to keep everything under control alone. I'm not sure if this was what you intended initially when you asked about meeting up - if you're stuck for childcare I'll always help when I can, but please do ask me straight!

I'd be tempted to do this. I wouldn't mind helping with childcare but it would annoy me that she couldn't just be upfront and ask for it as a favour rather than implying it was a playdate and catch up.

Cf. Don't accept this or it'll be her new method of tricking you into childcare

Yes don't mention the kids and dynamics.

Say crossed wires and you'd really hoped to see her and catch up, so let's reschedule not working.

You really think she was being sneaky? That's kind of awful if so.

I dont understand your angst with this. Just message her back and say there must be crossed wires, didn't realise she was working and will rebook for a day she is free. Where exactly is the drama??

Please let us know what you say to her and what her reply is 🙏

Personally I'd probably say:

'Oh I thought you'd be there too rather than just dropping the kids off. We have plans at X o clock so you'll need to pick them up by then'

So you help her out for a few hours, but they are picked up before they start to clash.

If she doesn't already have form for this, you don't want to create a precedent. But also you never know when you might want the favour repaid.

Decide on if you will help her out with childcare. If you wil then ask her outright if it's childcare that she needs and go to her house if it's better for you. As said, you've said that she is disorganised rather than a cf and it's a 20 year friendship. There's posters who'd love for you to throw that away to get a bit of drama.

I would just be honest and message saying....
Sorry (insert name), i thought we were meeting up for a catch up together while the children played. I didn't know you were working, we'll have to leave tomorrow and arrange a day in the new year when you're not working.
See you soon.