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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be really annoyed my friend has done this (free childcare by stealth)

198 replies

Iam4eels · 30/12/2022 13:47

One of my friends messaged me yesterday saying her DC has asked if we'll be seeing my same-age DC during the holidays (the DC are also friends) and should we arrange a get together for tomorrow. I said yes and suggested a local place we all like where we can get a coffee/hot chocolate and go for a walk. Friend agreed that would be great.

She messaged again today to check everything is still okay for tomorrow and would it be easier to meet there or meet at my house. I said we could meet at mine if she liked and have lunch here before heading out. Friend said that sounds lovely but she won't have time for lunch as she's at work tomorrow afternoon so will just be dropping DC off on her way there.

Nothing in her previous messages gives any hint that it would be me looking after her DC, I genuinely thought we were all going. I don't know if she's done it on purpose or if it's been crossed wires, she is a good friend (coming up 20yrs) but she does have form for being more than a bit disorganised so I wouldn't put it past her to have left it too late to sort childcare for tomorrow and to have resorted to this instead.

While her DC and my same-age DC get along, her DC is generally less tolerant of my other DC. They are very similar in personality so they get along initially but then they start to clash and repeatedly fall out. I know for a fact that friends DC being here all afternoon and into the early evening will be a trigger point and that I'm going to be constantly refereeing by mid-afternoon. My other DC is ND and will react massively to what they view as unfairness because they just want to join in and don't always recognise when they're not wanted so I'll also have to be managing them/their interactions and intervening accordingly.

I know IANBU to feel annoyed but how do I ask her if she did this on purpose or if it was a genuine misunderstanding without causing an upset? And if I do go ahead (if) how do I tell her that she needs to have words with her DC first about tolerating my other DC? She knows I already have enough on my plate with my own DC never mind accumulating extras.

OP posts:
RegularNameChangerVersion21 · 30/12/2022 19:47

Iam4eels · 30/12/2022 17:49

I included it because its true.

We've been friends for nearly 20 years, of course I'd have her DC if she was stuck for childcare and she'd do the same for me. The issue with tomorrow is that it's been sprung on me by stealth rather than her asking outright, I really am knackered from Christmas and can't face the effort of babysitting when I know I'll need to be heavily involved in making sure they all get along. If she'd asked outright I could have made arrangements to go to her house by juggling my own DC between me and DH, I could have also said no there and then if I couldn't have made it work.

She's my long standing friend so I want to give her the benefit of the doubt that it has just been crossed wires and she wasn't intentionally setting out to deceive me.

She did reply to say her DC will be gutted about not seeing my DC tomorrow and that she had hoped I wouldn't mind having one extra, she thought it was obvious that she meant childcare (it really wasn't!). We're going to go out somewhere next week.

Show quote history

Well done OP. Sounds like you nipped it in the bud before it became a problem. I like to be really generous and do genuinely want to help people out but drives me mad when people can't be upfront about it.

I had a friend who would always ask for babysitting by saying 'I know how much you love <her DD's name> so thought you two could hang out while I go shopping/drinking etc'. Err yes your daughter's cute and I've mentioned it brings back happy memories to spend time with a younger DC (mine are both 8+ hers is 4) but that doesn't actually mean you're doing me a favour by getting free babysitting. At least acknowledge that it's hard work entertaining someone else's kid and be grateful.

Freeasabird76 · 30/12/2022 20:54

Cf!!,good on you for not agreeing to the arrangement,bit sly of her as a friend to go about it the way she did,like you said,she could have just asked.

JustKittenAround · 30/12/2022 22:01

Good on anyone who doesn’t take the bait … I’d be pretty upset if someone told me they “thought it was obvious “ when in fact it wasn’t, like I’m some idiot. I’d have to stop myself from asking how that was obvious?

Best to just leave it.

Nobody has tried this with me yet. But I’d be really pissed off. Friends can ask friends for favors straight out. If they can’t be honest they aren’t a friend.

WetLettuce2 · 30/12/2022 22:04

If you’ve been friends for 20+ years, why can’t she ask you to help out with childcare ?

sheepdogdelight · 30/12/2022 22:04

If you want childcare your message reads something along the lines of "I have to work tomorrow, I'm really sorry to ask, but is there any chance that you could look after Sophie between x time and y time?" You don't hint or waffle. Guessing there was nothing like this?

determinedtomakethiswork · 30/12/2022 22:14

One of my friends messaged me yesterday saying her DC has asked if we'll be seeing my same-age DC during the holidays (the DC are also friends) and should we arrange a get together for tomorrow

I don't know how she can say that that means, will you babysit my child?

JustKittenAround · 30/12/2022 22:22

sheepdogdelight · 30/12/2022 22:04

If you want childcare your message reads something along the lines of "I have to work tomorrow, I'm really sorry to ask, but is there any chance that you could look after Sophie between x time and y time?" You don't hint or waffle. Guessing there was nothing like this?

Exactly! No change of venue oddness and ambiguity.

i know I’d be asking her next time if she was going to be there or what exactly she was asking… Is it me or is it wild someone would do this and then put their child with someone unprepared to have them?

It’s quite mean to the child as well. They can sense when they are a burden…

Delatron · 30/12/2022 22:29

She sounds like a manipulative cow - I’m not sure I could be friends with her. Especially after that guilt tripping response.

poefaced · 30/12/2022 22:32

She did reply to say her DC will be gutted about not seeing my DC tomorrow and that she had hoped I wouldn't mind having one extra, she thought it was obvious that she meant childcare (it really wasn't!). We're going to go out somewhere next week.

She is a CF twat! Well done on pushing back.

Examine how much you do for her.

billy1966 · 30/12/2022 22:37

Friends do NOT ambush friends.

However, CF's do.

Have a think OP.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 30/12/2022 22:44

You message her back and say no? What is the problem here?

HowDoYouOwnDisorder · 30/12/2022 23:01

She was trying to use you

JustKittenAround · 31/12/2022 00:43

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 30/12/2022 22:44

You message her back and say no? What is the problem here?

She’s already replied, but I think most who have long time “friends” aren’t looking at them through a 3rd parties eyes. WE know she needs to shut this down hard, but it’s hard when you have emotional investment and the way that makes one question to look for the best in another.

As a 3rd party we are privileged with the situation as the person sees it without any other noise. THAT is why there is a problem and why someone doesn’t just message back “no” a lot of the time.

but she should have just said no like you said lol (easy for me to say)

HowVeryBizarre · 31/12/2022 03:58

So glad you stood up for yourself OP, there is no way that original message could have meant anything other than “let’s all hang out”. The fact that she tried to guilt you afterwards made her a CF for me.

EddietheEagle · 31/12/2022 09:35

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 30/12/2022 22:44

You message her back and say no? What is the problem here?

RTFT

Stickworm · 31/12/2022 17:42

Tbh I think it’s really hard to tell if it’s crossed wires without seeing the messages word for word. ‘DC have asked if they can see your DC and I was wondering if we could arrange a get together for tomorrow’ doesn’t immediately scream to me that it would be with everyone.

MrsSimz · 31/12/2022 17:46

Bit rude to say OP’s response is ‘so spineless’.

OP I’d have responded in a similar way.

MandieMandie · 31/12/2022 17:49

RiverSkater · 30/12/2022 13:50

Just say crossed wires, I thought we'd by having a nice walk together and a catch up as well as the DC seeing each other.
Bit frazzled from Xmas to have all the kids, let's arrange for a day you aren't working.

Rearrange it for when she's Free.

Barney60 · 31/12/2022 18:09

Think id be inclined to say, Oh, i thought wed only be an hours walk coffee ect, im going out an hour and a half later.

Englishash · 31/12/2022 18:20

Text to say you thought you were all meeting up, so let’s rearrange another time soon when your friend is free - do not feel guilty.

HowzAboutIt · 31/12/2022 18:26

Englishash · 31/12/2022 18:20

Text to say you thought you were all meeting up, so let’s rearrange another time soon when your friend is free - do not feel guilty.

🙄

Honeyroar · 31/12/2022 18:32

WetLettuce2 · 30/12/2022 22:04

If you’ve been friends for 20+ years, why can’t she ask you to help out with childcare ?

She can. But she didn’t ask. That’s the issue…

RachaelWork · 31/12/2022 18:40

Tell her that you weren’t aware you were going to be looking after her so. For the afternoon and that you are not willing to due to them falling out but you are happy to meet up together in the morning.

ThereIbledit · 31/12/2022 18:44

Well done for standing up to her. I think her reply reveals that she was being manipulative to try to get you to take them.

2bazookas · 31/12/2022 18:56

"message back " Sorry, crossed wires, you didn't mention work and I can't have your DD all afternoon. "