To be really annoyed my friend has done this (free childcare by stealth)

[Iam4eels]

One of my friends messaged me yesterday saying her DC has asked if we'll be seeing my same-age DC during the holidays (the DC are also friends) and should we arrange a get together for tomorrow. I said yes and suggested a local place we all like where we can get a coffee/hot chocolate and go for a walk. Friend agreed that would be great.

She messaged again today to check everything is still okay for tomorrow and would it be easier to meet there or meet at my house. I said we could meet at mine if she liked and have lunch here before heading out. Friend said that sounds lovely but she won't have time for lunch as she's at work tomorrow afternoon so will just be dropping DC off on her way there.

Nothing in her previous messages gives any hint that it would be me looking after her DC, I genuinely thought we were all going. I don't know if she's done it on purpose or if it's been crossed wires, she is a good friend (coming up 20yrs) but she does have form for being more than a bit disorganised so I wouldn't put it past her to have left it too late to sort childcare for tomorrow and to have resorted to this instead.

While her DC and my same-age DC get along, her DC is generally less tolerant of my other DC. They are very similar in personality so they get along initially but then they start to clash and repeatedly fall out. I know for a fact that friends DC being here all afternoon and into the early evening will be a trigger point and that I'm going to be constantly refereeing by mid-afternoon. My other DC is ND and will react massively to what they view as unfairness because they just want to join in and don't always recognise when they're not wanted so I'll also have to be managing them/their interactions and intervening accordingly.

I know IANBU to feel annoyed but how do I ask her if she did this on purpose or if it was a genuine misunderstanding without causing an upset? And if I do go ahead (if) how do I tell her that she needs to have words with her DC first about tolerating my other DC? She knows I already have enough on my plate with my own DC never mind accumulating extras.

OP you sound like a good friend, and a diplomat

@RachaelWork and @2bazookas

For the love of sanity please at least read the OP's posts

Oh, she knows exactly what she's doing and I think you should re-evaluate this friendship. I'm not saying to throw it in the trash after 20 years, but she's manipulative and deceitful and is being very disrespectful of you not only with the initial trickery, but in continuing to gaslight you and pretend that it was an honest mistake. She's also using her child as a pawn in saying that she'll be gutted not to see your child. What hogwash. She's trying to guilt you into saying yes still. Sounds like she's self-centered and sees herself as a victim to justify using other people.

Even if it's true that she thought it was obvious that she was seeking childcare, which I absolutely don't believe, then her approach suggests she doesn't see a need to deliberately ask you for childcare--that it's normal for such a thing to be implied without a deliberate ask. This shows a great lack of respect for you. Again, I think it's hogwash, but even believing her, you're left being disrespected.

She did reply to say her DC will be gutted about not seeing my DC tomorrow and that she had hoped I wouldn't mind having one extra, she thought it was obvious that she meant childcare (it really wasn't!). We're going to go out somewhere next week

Well I think that is pretty passive aggressive emotional blackmail and that she was being manipulative

If you are happy maintaining the relationship then great, but I would be wary and aware in future!

Well? What happened

What happened was an elephant arrived at OP house and told her never to forget to read the fucking thread

🤣

Oh how hilarious- haven’t got time to read entire thread- all the very similar replies merged into one! Was hoping op would reply but no mrs state the very fucking obvious! Will have to scroll through when I’m not so busy. Happy new year!

Or just read the 3 updates from the OP @estheryan111

This
And say I'm sorry I was only thinking of a couple of hours we need to be somewhere else

That's beyond cheeky but we all have people like that in our lives!!

The impatient ‘Well?’

Who do you think you are?! 😂

The OP has posted three updates ... If you can't be arsed reading them don't post demanding to be told what happened when we already have been told, you just want spoon feeding because God forbid you click "see all" on the OPs posts 🙄

You only have to read the ops updates. So many posters with advice or asking what happened when the op has replied and updated with a response.

I’d be a bit annoyed too but to clarify whether you have missed something or she has forgotten to ask if you mind minding her DC I would just drop a text saying your disappointed she is at work as you were looking forward to seeing your friend too as you did t realise you were having child for the whole afternoon .

Sounds like she'd been taking too many tips from Motherland. 😆

Yes!! 😂love motherland

Thank you for explaining- I did d get a bit lost x

It was actually an excited ‘well’ in anticipation for the rest of the story - I wasn’t aware you could filter the posts until someone just kindly pointed out to me.
happy new year!

Thanks I realise now x

I hadn’t demanded anything and wasn’t aware I could filter posts! Someone has now explained thanks x

Given that it is a friendship of close to 20 years, you obviously don't want to wreck it. Plus most people who are disorganised don't mean any harm but they are a bit desperate for help as they often find themselves in a sticky situation.
I love one of the earlier replies about how frazzled you are after Xmas and can't manage the children all on your own - sensible, empathetic but to the point. I wouldn't go down the aggressive or passive aggressive route. You can be assertive and empathetic to whatever her situation is at the same time. Keep the friendship but don't need to break your back looking after all the kids.

Some people are such users and it's terrible when it's a friend.

I would do this. Just act like the catch up is off because she can’t make it

This

Hmm did she really need to say the bit about her DC being gutted? Her reply seems to indicate her belief that it wasn’t a misunderstanding and that she was clear. I have a friend of 55 years friendship and you still have to negotiate this sort of stuff.