To be really annoyed my friend has done this (free childcare by stealth)

[Iam4eels]

One of my friends messaged me yesterday saying her DC has asked if we'll be seeing my same-age DC during the holidays (the DC are also friends) and should we arrange a get together for tomorrow. I said yes and suggested a local place we all like where we can get a coffee/hot chocolate and go for a walk. Friend agreed that would be great.

She messaged again today to check everything is still okay for tomorrow and would it be easier to meet there or meet at my house. I said we could meet at mine if she liked and have lunch here before heading out. Friend said that sounds lovely but she won't have time for lunch as she's at work tomorrow afternoon so will just be dropping DC off on her way there.

Nothing in her previous messages gives any hint that it would be me looking after her DC, I genuinely thought we were all going. I don't know if she's done it on purpose or if it's been crossed wires, she is a good friend (coming up 20yrs) but she does have form for being more than a bit disorganised so I wouldn't put it past her to have left it too late to sort childcare for tomorrow and to have resorted to this instead.

While her DC and my same-age DC get along, her DC is generally less tolerant of my other DC. They are very similar in personality so they get along initially but then they start to clash and repeatedly fall out. I know for a fact that friends DC being here all afternoon and into the early evening will be a trigger point and that I'm going to be constantly refereeing by mid-afternoon. My other DC is ND and will react massively to what they view as unfairness because they just want to join in and don't always recognise when they're not wanted so I'll also have to be managing them/their interactions and intervening accordingly.

I know IANBU to feel annoyed but how do I ask her if she did this on purpose or if it was a genuine misunderstanding without causing an upset? And if I do go ahead (if) how do I tell her that she needs to have words with her DC first about tolerating my other DC? She knows I already have enough on my plate with my own DC never mind accumulating extras.

I had a similar thing once years ago at my health club. Someone I vaguely knew asked if she could join us for kids' tea with her two children. She then went off to the bar with a mate leaving me with all four! I was furious but didn't do anything as I was too timid at the time. I'm still kicking myself now. Don't be me. Use one of these excellent responses from PPs.

It's not spineless if it's the truth. If her friend had asked then the OP would have made it work because she's happy to help out if and when she can, but on this occasion she can't.

I am like the OP - if someone asked me to babysit their kids last minute because they're totally stuck then, unless I really couldn't, I would do so happily provided they ask. If they just presume or try to be sneaky/manipulative then I am going to say no but I will remind them that I am happy to help when I can and will do so in future, if asked.

Well done. Be kind to yourself and your dc. She certainly isn't.

I know a top class CF who seems to be allergic to looking after her own (very high maintenance) DS.

Her DS came for a sleepover, insulted my house and car as too messy and made my own DS cry by calling him fat, then whirled around annoyingly and wouldn’t eat any of the food I had prepared (and run past CF first). She refused to collect him from our house the next day and went out on purpose so it was almost impossible to get rid of him. She also took any and every opportunity to palm childcare off onto someone else (tbf, another mum did warn me).

I pushed back and repeatedly refused to meet unless we were all meeting together, parents included. CF decided she wanted to go out and get drunk one day and asked for me to do a sleepover, which I refused. She then got her DS to contact mine over an internet game they both play and put pressure on that way. I stood firm.

She then arranged a play date for us together, which was literally just a stream of consciousness about when and how I could help her with childcare and also look after her Ddog. I said no and am now no longer in contact.

Does she win the CF award? I heard that she has since decided that she CBA with her poor dog (little more than a puppy) so has ditched it as she “can’t afford it” but she is a high earner who sends DS to private school and decided to spend the entire Christmas period at a five star hotel…

Hold firm, OP!

that ordinarily I'd be fine to have her DC if she was short on childcare

Agree with PP. No chance would I have included this bit.

My sister used to do this to me all the time, I'd go round thinking it was a chance to catch up while our children played and then she would declare she was going for a run /swim /nap. I stopped going for about a year once I realised it was a repeated pattern.
I don't understand why people think it is ok to do this!

I included it because its true.

We've been friends for nearly 20 years, of course I'd have her DC if she was stuck for childcare and she'd do the same for me. The issue with tomorrow is that it's been sprung on me by stealth rather than her asking outright, I really am knackered from Christmas and can't face the effort of babysitting when I know I'll need to be heavily involved in making sure they all get along. If she'd asked outright I could have made arrangements to go to her house by juggling my own DC between me and DH, I could have also said no there and then if I couldn't have made it work.

She's my long standing friend so I want to give her the benefit of the doubt that it has just been crossed wires and she wasn't intentionally setting out to deceive me.

She did reply to say her DC will be gutted about not seeing my DC tomorrow and that she had hoped I wouldn't mind having one extra, she thought it was obvious that she meant childcare (it really wasn't!). We're going to go out somewhere next week.

Well done op, interested to hear her response.

do this without the "sorry"

Nicely played op. Hopefully she won't try and pull that stunt again after your reaction today.

Hmm, so it sounds like she did intentionally deceive you, and even worse, rather than apologising, she is now trying to guilt trip you. Doesn't sound like a particularly nice friend.

Good text, hopefully you've nipped this behaviour in the bud. Though to be honest I'd see her in a different light from now on :(

OP, you might think of her as a friend of 20 years standing, but in your heart of hearts you know she actively tried to manipulate you. And her response to your text was further attempt to guilt trip.
That's not how genuine friends behave. And it's nice people, who try to help out, who end up getting the piss taken. So watch out for this one - she had you pegged as a bit of a mug. You've pushed back, so she knows you aren't a total pushover, but if you let her know you are happy to do free child care, you'll never really know if she's just in it for what she can get, rather than being your genuine friend.

Real friends ask for help and reciprocate favours - they don't behave in an underhand way.

Have a think back over the years and weigh up whether favours have been broadly equal or whether you have always given more and go from there in what you agree to going forward.

she thought it was obvious that she meant childcare

She has deliberately tried to do a number on you and is cross that you’ve had the balls to stand up for yourself. Good friends do not behave like this. If you’re a good friend, you’d be able to say “could I ask you a huge favour…..?” and just be honest that you were in a fix. It’s never okay to do it by stealth. Good for you for standing up for yourself.

You should have left out the 'normally I'd be fine but' etc.

You've inadvertently admitted you think she's scamming childcare

You should've kept it short and sweet : oh, let's meet up next time when you can make it blah blah

Cheeky fuckery extraordinaire once again

She did reply to say her DC will be gutted about not seeing my DC tomorrow

^
Manipulation

One of my friends messaged me yesterday saying her DC has asked if we'll be seeing my same-age DC during the holidays and should we arrange a get together for tomorrow.

There is absolutely no indication whatsoever that this is about childcare. She’s being completely disingenuous.

Quite why she thought it wouldn’t end with you realising what she actually meant and feeling really aggrieved is quite mind-boggling.

Exactly. Say this. If she wants childcare then she needs to at the very least ask for it

Unbelievable CF. Well done OP

”thought it was obvious” my arse

It’s not obvious unless the words “would you mind”, “favour” and “please” are involved. And ideally a suggestion as to when they can reciprocate.

The proof is in the “my Dc will be gutted” which is obvious manipulation. And referring to “one extra” would piss me off too. Why do people say this? One extra is someone else’s child, not another one of your own, and changes things entirely.

Glad you pushed back though, OP. She’ll know she can’t manipulate you again.

She knew exactly what she was doing, crafty cow.

Just say no and explain. It’s a miss communication . Some friends take the P and I’ve learnt over time to stop being friends with them , however long you’ve known each other

Ah so it is actually YOU fault! For -

1/ Not realising what was "obvious" in that she needed free childcare
and
2/ You have now upset her DD and the kid will be gutted by YOU cancelling.

Some people are so "clever" in turning things onto others for their own behaviour!

Strange woman!

I'd tell her you're only free firva couple of hours (the time you thought you were spending together) and what does she plan to do with her child after this time?