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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not ready for a child (warning: long rant!)

240 replies

Unsure1748 · 30/12/2022 13:13

I'm 26 and my DH is 30. We got married a year ago and have lived with in-laws ever since whilst our house is being renovated. It should be complete within the next few months. Things haven't been easy. The household became a very toxic environment and MIL and I have a hostile relationship. She is extremely critical and judgemental of everything I do, wear, the way I talk, where I go (everything) and resents me for not being as religious as she is and she showed it with many remarks. Her bullying and harassment towards me led to me feeling very isolated and I had breakdown after breakdown. Basically what I'm saying is I told DH there is no way in hell I'd have a child whilst still living with in-laws. If MIL is this critical of me just being ME, I can't imagine how controlling she would be if I had her grandchild in the house too. I can imagine being constantly berated for not being a good mother, told I'm not feeding him/her properly, not dressing them properly, judgement about sleeping routines.. you get the idea. I want space and freedom.

The other issue is I only started working a bit over a year ago and I'm still making money and adding to my savings. Having a child right now would put my career on hold for a bit and would make me financially dependent on DH as he'd like me to stay home for a few years to take care of our baby (or babies if I had another quickly). I'm not ready for that. It'd also be harder to go back to my career after a break as I'm out of the habit and my job is intense. I want to enjoy FINALLY having my own house and safe space, I want to enjoy my job and make more money to add to my savings before I end up staying home for a bit.

DH is becoming impatient and won't stop pressurising me for a child despite the reasons I've outlined. I've told him I 100% DO want a child in the next couple of years but I'm not in the right mental space for one right now.. I can't even consider it whilst living with in-laws. I'm sure I'll be ready once we have our own place but whilst we're still living with in-laws, my brain freaks out at the idea?

The last time DH pressurised me, he assumed I didn't want to be a mother. He was telling me the beauty of raising a child should outweigh my other concerns but I told him he's asking me to relate to something I have never done (raising a child).. I can only think about things I've experienced so far directly. I was in tears as I'm tired of being pressurised by DH and his mother for a baby when I keep expressing my feelings and how I'd be impacted the most by a child emotionally, physically and financially hence my decision should be respected at least a bit, surely? Clearly it isn't or I wouldn't be repeatedly asked again and again. When do you think is the right time to have a baby? After we move out and I've been working for another year at least maybe? Or am I just being selfish I don't know. If so, help me see sense. They make me feel like I'm doing something wrong and tell me that 26 is not still young whenever I still have time and am young.

OP posts:
Hopeyoursproutsarealreadyon · 30/12/2022 13:15

Yanbu and make sure it's you that is responsible for using contraception..

Sunflowersinthewind · 30/12/2022 13:17

Do not have a child with this man

AriettyHomily · 30/12/2022 13:17

Your decision should be respected 100%, not 'just a little bit'.

Your not a baby making machine for your mil.

You are young, you should be enjoying and building your early career, and out having fun.

Any chance you can move into a rental while the rest of the work is completed? It sounds like an untenable situation at the moment.

AriettyHomily · 30/12/2022 13:18

*you're

Merryoldgoat · 30/12/2022 13:19

I wouldn’t be married for very long in these circumstances.

He has no respect for you and your feelings.

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 30/12/2022 13:26

Please don’t be offended but is this an arranged marriage? It sounds as if you are under a lot of ‘traditional’ pressure. 26 isn’t old to be thinking about having a child, in fact it’s young by many peoples standards, nor is it unusual to want to get established in your career before having children.

It sounds as if both your DH and your MIL are trying to force you into a mould of their own expectations . This is not acceptable, you are an independent individual, and your preferences and aspirations are just as important as theirs
I hope you can get out from under This pressure to run your life according to their expectations.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 30/12/2022 13:30

Your husband is completely in the wrong, so much so that lots of people would have reconsidered their relationship now.

It doesnt sound like he sticks up for you with his mum

He isn't listening to you

He doesn't seem to care about your wants and needs

He wants to make decisions about your career and your body

None of this is healthy or a good place to bring a child into until the relationship is more equal.

Think really carefully if you want to give up your financial independence as you would then be tied to him and his horrible family for ever. He is desperate for a child but only wants your life to be impacted. He could share paternity leave and change his hours to work with childcare if he wanted to be a father that much.

I fear that he will do nothing with the baby and wont contribute towards childcare costs which will effectively force your career to stall or he will offer his mum as childcare and she will turn the child against you

Before anyone has a baby they need to discuss -
How will paternity leave be split
How will finances work if one person takes a financial hit (eg on maternity leave, goes back to work part time, stay at home parent), will both have the same fun money, savings, equal say in financial decisions
If one person is at home more looking after a baby, how will household chores be split. This ranges from men who say 'I'm working, you're at home having a rest so should do everything' to men that acknowledge that looking after small kids is a full time job and do half of everything when they're home
What will happen with hobbies (dont assume that because you would give up your golf 3x a week because of a baby that he will)
If you are both going to continue to work, how will childcare be paid for? How will you both accommodate children into your career (eg my husband started and finished later and I started and finished earlier so we could both manage to share pick ups and drop offs from nursery). How will you share fitting in the childs appointments, school things, last minute emergency leave because your child is sick from nursery yet again.

Having a baby that you are not sure you want, with someone who expects you to change your life while they carry on with theirs, will leave you feeling trapped angry and resentful so make sure you get into all the specifics of how it would actually work.

Also the average age to have a baby where I live is mid 30s

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 30/12/2022 13:31

Also I'd be making clear that any child would not have any access to MiL until she can be respectful and civil. It's not healthy for a child to see their family bully their mum

LaLuz7 · 30/12/2022 13:33

Sounds like your husband is very eager to lock you down and make you dependent on him. My spider senses are tickling. It's usually the mark of controlling and abusive men.

Make sure you have foolproof contraception in place that can't be tampered with

FuckNuggets · 30/12/2022 13:33

You're not a fucking baby factory. Tell him find a broodmare to have his kid if he wants one now. You'd be better of single. Do you have anywhere you can go?

MrsSkylerWhite · 30/12/2022 13:33

I was wondering whether this is an arranged marriage, too?
Your MIL sounds horrendous. I’d be thinking very seriously about the future with this man.

Tempyname · 30/12/2022 13:34

You shouldn’t be pressurised, but some people also never feel it’s the right time so worth reflecting on when you feel might be the right time, and communicating with DH on this without setting anything in stone. Your DH is 30 so it’s hardly crazy that he is thinking of wanting kids, many men get broody too! For some reason I think 30 is quite a milestone for many and people feel the need to have hot certain stages by then. Weird but I know a few people of this age suddenly very obsessed for kids, engagements or house buying! Agree totally with other posters that your preferences are as important- but that doesn’t make them more important either. Most big decisions in relationships have an element of compromise on both sides.

catandcoffee · 30/12/2022 13:36

Honestly in your position I'd really think very seriously about my future with this.

Your life will change beyond recognition if you have a child. They both have very old fashioned ideas about motherhood.

DelphiniumBlue · 30/12/2022 13:36

None of the 26 year olds, or even 30 year olds, in my family have had a baby yet.
26 is actually quite young to become a parent these days, I think the average age is around 3o now. Not that it matters, if it's not what you want, then it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks.
You could suggest to your DH that once you move into your own home, you might consider it. provided that he is the one who stays at home with the baby.

I'm also wondering why it is taking so long to make your house habitable? Does it need to be perfect before you move in there? Provided there is a working toilet and the energy is connected, you could move in, even if it means managing without finished kitchen and bathroom. Given your current living situation, that's something I'd be considering.

fancyacuppatea · 30/12/2022 13:37

Hopeyoursproutsarealreadyon · 30/12/2022 13:15

Yanbu and make sure it's you that is responsible for using contraception..

^This.

I wouldn't have a child with him.

vintagemom · 30/12/2022 13:38

YANBU at all, and if I were you I’d be having a long, hard think about how you want to proceed in this relationship. He doesn’t sound like he respects you or your boundaries

YouWouldNotBelieveIt · 30/12/2022 13:40

Make sure you're using effective contraception. Tell your husband that you won't even consider getting pregnant whilst you're living with his parents. If he whines about that, don't have sex with him. The whole situation sounds horrendous.

LaLuz7 · 30/12/2022 13:40

Tempyname · 30/12/2022 13:34

You shouldn’t be pressurised, but some people also never feel it’s the right time so worth reflecting on when you feel might be the right time, and communicating with DH on this without setting anything in stone. Your DH is 30 so it’s hardly crazy that he is thinking of wanting kids, many men get broody too! For some reason I think 30 is quite a milestone for many and people feel the need to have hot certain stages by then. Weird but I know a few people of this age suddenly very obsessed for kids, engagements or house buying! Agree totally with other posters that your preferences are as important- but that doesn’t make them more important either. Most big decisions in relationships have an element of compromise on both sides.

It's fine that he's thinking of kids at 30, but it's not fine to demand then ASAP.

He's 30, not 45 ffs.

He doesn't get to dictate when SHE is ready.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 30/12/2022 13:41

The last time DH pressurised me, he assumed I didn't want to be a mother. He was telling me the beauty of raising a child should outweigh my other concerns

Flamin' Nora. Run, OP. Out of interest, what part is he planning to have in the beauty of child raising? and why should it outweigh your other concerns, exactly?

Unsure1748 · 30/12/2022 13:41

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Original poster
Unsure1748 · 30/12/2022 13:42

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 30/12/2022 13:26

Please don’t be offended but is this an arranged marriage? It sounds as if you are under a lot of ‘traditional’ pressure. 26 isn’t old to be thinking about having a child, in fact it’s young by many peoples standards, nor is it unusual to want to get established in your career before having children.

It sounds as if both your DH and your MIL are trying to force you into a mould of their own expectations . This is not acceptable, you are an independent individual, and your preferences and aspirations are just as important as theirs
I hope you can get out from under This pressure to run your life according to their expectations.

None taken and no, this was actually a love marriage! However, yes I'm still under a lot of traditional pressure as MIL is very traditional and believes in set gender roles.. you get the idea. I told both MIL and DH that 26 is not that old, it's not super young either but when I say I'm still young and I have time to become a mother yet, they just shoot me down and say what? 26 is NOT young! and laugh in my face.. especially MIL. When I tell DH that women have children later nowadays and it's not abnormal, he tells me 'who cares what other people do?' and disregards what I say. I was in tears the last time he started pressurising me as I was tired of explaining myself and defending myself when he asks why I keep putting other things first. I told him that he is making me extremely uncomfortable and pressurised right now and his pressure doesn't make me want to have a child ANY more than I did before and it's just not the right way to approach it. He wanted an exact date when I'd be ready and how can I give that?
I just felt I should have the biggest say as I'm the one that will be impacted the hardest physically, financially and emotionally. DH will be at work all day. I'm the one who will be sat at home, raising the baby and losing my monthly salary.

OP posts:
MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 30/12/2022 13:44

He wanted an exact date when I'd be ready and how can I give that?

I'll reiterate what I said. Run. This man is trying to break you and break your spirit.

OurChristmasMiracle · 30/12/2022 13:45

I would be telling him that until he is able to respect your feelings and stick up for you against his mum that there will be no chance that you will bring a child into this toxic situation and therefore you will not even discuss having a child.

in regard to MIL I would simply state that if or when you decide to have a child that will be a private discussion between you and husband and the matter is not up for further discussion

HermioneWeasley · 30/12/2022 13:45

Honestly OP, I’d reconsider whether he’s the right man for you. “The beauty of child raising” my arse - he’s not going to do the difficult and dangerous work of pregnancy and childbirth and you both seem to assume that it will be you that gives up your career and financial independence to raise your family.

raising kids is years of hard work and drudgery. Only do that with someone who’s going to be an equal partner and sees you as fully human.

TimBoothseyes · 30/12/2022 13:46

Get out as fast as you can. This is just the tip of the iceberg...it will only get worse.