Not ready for a child (warning: long rant!)

[Unsure1748]

I'm 26 and my DH is 30. We got married a year ago and have lived with in-laws ever since whilst our house is being renovated. It should be complete within the next few months. Things haven't been easy. The household became a very toxic environment and MIL and I have a hostile relationship. She is extremely critical and judgemental of everything I do, wear, the way I talk, where I go (everything) and resents me for not being as religious as she is and she showed it with many remarks. Her bullying and harassment towards me led to me feeling very isolated and I had breakdown after breakdown. Basically what I'm saying is I told DH there is no way in hell I'd have a child whilst still living with in-laws. If MIL is this critical of me just being ME, I can't imagine how controlling she would be if I had her grandchild in the house too. I can imagine being constantly berated for not being a good mother, told I'm not feeding him/her properly, not dressing them properly, judgement about sleeping routines.. you get the idea. I want space and freedom.

The other issue is I only started working a bit over a year ago and I'm still making money and adding to my savings. Having a child right now would put my career on hold for a bit and would make me financially dependent on DH as he'd like me to stay home for a few years to take care of our baby (or babies if I had another quickly). I'm not ready for that. It'd also be harder to go back to my career after a break as I'm out of the habit and my job is intense. I want to enjoy FINALLY having my own house and safe space, I want to enjoy my job and make more money to add to my savings before I end up staying home for a bit.

DH is becoming impatient and won't stop pressurising me for a child despite the reasons I've outlined. I've told him I 100% DO want a child in the next couple of years but I'm not in the right mental space for one right now.. I can't even consider it whilst living with in-laws. I'm sure I'll be ready once we have our own place but whilst we're still living with in-laws, my brain freaks out at the idea?

The last time DH pressurised me, he assumed I didn't want to be a mother. He was telling me the beauty of raising a child should outweigh my other concerns but I told him he's asking me to relate to something I have never done (raising a child).. I can only think about things I've experienced so far directly. I was in tears as I'm tired of being pressurised by DH and his mother for a baby when I keep expressing my feelings and how I'd be impacted the most by a child emotionally, physically and financially hence my decision should be respected at least a bit, surely? Clearly it isn't or I wouldn't be repeatedly asked again and again. When do you think is the right time to have a baby? After we move out and I've been working for another year at least maybe? Or am I just being selfish I don't know. If so, help me see sense. They make me feel like I'm doing something wrong and tell me that 26 is not still young whenever I still have time and am young.

Give him an exact date. The day you're living in your own house miles away from his mother.

he gave me a lecture of how I'm prioritising my job over being a mother and how being a mother is more important than the passion working gives me

Between him and his mother they are trying to wear you down and get you to conform. He's more subtle about it but has the same goal. You want freedom, opportunities and choices - all of this will be severely curtailed by having a child in these circumstances and at 26 you are still very young. Young enough to start again if you decide to leave this toxic situation. I don't think just having your own house will make everything fine. Having a child in your 30's is normal for many.

Pressurising someone into something they don’t want is not love.

I don't think he actually told his mother about his desire to have a baby right now. MIL approached me separately as she seems to have baby fever too. What happened was, DH turned 30. MIL acknowledged that her son had turned 30 and asked when I plan on making him a father.

She said it jokingly, but she has had the same conversation with me multiple times before so, to me, nothing she says now is a joke, it's serious but she says it in a laughing tone so I don't take offence. Whenever I give her a reason as to why I'm not ready yet e.g. I want more time to work, or we're in the middle of moving houses - all valid reasons in my opinion? I told her I don't want to be heavily pregnant and be moving houses at the same time as our house will be complete in a few months. I'd rather just wait it out, have our house ready and enjoy it for a while before having a baby.. because why the hell not? Why on Earth should I force myself to have a baby just to please MIL/DH whilst in the middle of moving houses? It makes NO sense.

It's gotten to the point where I don't tell DH or MIL when I found out a mutual friend or relative is pregnant. I know about three that are pregnant now as they've told me. I have given my congratulations, but I can't tell DH or MIL as I know the conversation will inevitably turn to 'oh look even they're pregnant, and you don't even have one yet!' and probably resentment from DH. To avoid any pressure or resentment, I just can't discuss anything pregnancy related with them, even if it's not related to me. I thought, they'll find out themselves eventually who is pregnant, but I certainly won't be telling them.

26 is young in my circles to have a baby. I am 30 and not a single one of my friends has a child or is thinking about children right now. There are a few women I went to school with that have had babies intentionally this year. You have 9 years before you reach the “scary age” and even then very likely another 5 years on too before you need to worry. You do not need to have one now

This is not normal. You should be able to have a casual conversation about friends and relatives expecting babies without DH and MIL nagging you.

I don't have a child just yet, but eventually one day I will. When I do, I can either stay at home, raise the child and give up my job for a few years. Alternatively, I could allow MIL to take care of the child during the day, as she MIL and FIL are at home and MIL has already suggested enthusiastically that she is more than happy to look after the child. That would allow me to continue to work and earn money, and also allow the grandparents to bond with their grandchild.

To me this sounds abusive. Please
make sure you are using the most effective contraceptive possible. I would not accept this level of pressure. If you don’t want kids now (or ever) you don’t need to make an excuse or come up with reasons.

Please make sure your contraception is water tight do not trust your husband even with condoms make sure your on the pill or whatever agrees with you. This situation sounds horrific a very toxic place to bring a child into. This controlling behaviour will get worse. Hugs.

You are definitely not in the right place to have a child now, a couple of years more and you might be thinking a bit differently.

I don't know why your husband is pressurising you, it's not like you are getting on in years.

If your house is ready in a few months, you'll be generally happier. Time passes and before you know it, you'll be in your own home. Good luck.

I know you don't, I've been following the thread...

Those are not your only options. A better option, the absolute best option, is to never have a child with this man who does not respect you. Divorce him and start a new life, meet a man who actually loves you and whose mum you get along with, and then consider having babies.

Or another option is to pay for nursery, but I'd be going with the option above.

You are not thinking clearly if you believe that moving out of MIL's house, but then having her take care of your child full time, will solve any of your problems. She will plant her ideas in your child's mind, and you will have no control over what goes on in that house.

You are also contemplating bringing a child into a situation where there is no love or respect. That's damaging for a child (trust me).

Or, pay for childcare at a nursery!!

It's not a MIL or SAHM only situation. You want to continue working, you eventually want a baby and you dont want that baby corrupted by MIL. Therefore the sensible and logical answer is to use paid for childcare, no?

(Actually the sensible and logical answer is to run for the hills as far as you can away from this whole family!)

He was telling me the beauty of raising a child should outweigh my other concerns but I told him he's asking me to relate to something I have never done (raising a child).

He sounds like an absolute twat pontificating on something he knows nothing about. You are the sensible one. Of course you don’t want the stress of having a baby in someone else’s house, especially someone you don’t get on with. It’s also a good idea to have some time in your career before going on maternity leave, regardless of whether you are off for a long or short time. Motherhood will be more enjoyable if everything else is right.

Putting it off doesn’t mean you’ll never want children as evidenced by the many thousands of women who have their first at around the age of 30!

I was just about to say exactly the same thing.

OP if you think the situation is bad now, wait until you've had a child - you won't know what's hit you in terms of being coerced and controlled.

Why aren't you considering paying for childcare?

You have completely ruled out the idea of nursery, which you need to rethink. Concentrate on your career for a bit longer. Tell your husband you'll be ready when you're 30. Still really young to have kids, but gives you loads of time to have married time together as a couple, and work on your career. Then, you can use childcare like most other people do.
My worry also though is the expectation on you - he might insist you leave the child with her, or you might guilt tripped into doing so. I don't think you should leave your baby with her under any circumstance. And I worry, irrespective of what position you're in you'll be made to do so. This is another reason why you need to wait a few more years.

There are so many stories here of men showing their true colours when they become a dad. I worry this is the top of the iceberg, and the pressure he's putting on you is indicative of worse to come. Please please think very carefully about having babies with this man.

OMG DO NOT HAVE A BABY WITH THIS MAN! Make sure you take those birth control pills like clockwork. He sounds awful. Pressuring you to make a decision that affects YOU, YOU will have to carry it, YOU will have to raise it, YOU will have to give up work, pension, your financial freedom and intellectual satisfaction, but it's ok because you get to be a mother and surely you don't care about anything else?

Please please take this from another woman that married a traditional man. We went to uni together, both had great jobs in the city, and then we got married and the pressure to give up my career and have babies and cook for him and be at home for him came almost overnight. It's like he had a brain transplant. I told my mother and her words were "WHATEVER HAPPENS, DO NOT HAVE A BABY WITH HIM because there is NO escape from him ever if you do." Even IF you manage to leave, he will have a hold on you for the next 18 years, it will ruin your life. Best advice I ever got. I divorced him after 1 year and it was the hardest and best thing I ever did.

How much do yo u think you can police this when MIL will be the one baby spends more of the waking week with? God hel pyou of you have a daughter

This x100! Please listen this this woman 👆

OP you are a smart cookie and well done for coming here.

You sound a bit stuck, to be honest. Can you disentangle yourself from this mess?

This is a terrifying read. Before you got married, he was agreeable and helpful.

Now he’s got a ring in your finger, he’s pressuring you to act a certain way, do certain things and be a certain person.

Having a baby will trap you completely. You will be completely under his thumb and no negotiations.

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OP - please consider nursery too as you can still go to work, you don't have to be a SAHM if you don't want to. I would not leave your kids with MIL at all and I'm glad you are putting your foot down and speaking out now instead of keeping your thoughts hidden about your situation.

Do you have friends or family that have had children a bit later into their 30s that your husband can speak to and get their views on parenthood (the more modern mindset couples). Unfortunately after a baby it sounds like your life will completely change but your husbands probably won't that much.

This is your life and it's already sounding very stressful. Post baby, with this traditional MIL your life will be extremely difficult. Traditional MIL are difficult to change, they just get worse especially if they have women in the community of the same mindset. Do you or DH have siblings?