Not ready for a child (warning: long rant!)

[Unsure1748]

I'm 26 and my DH is 30. We got married a year ago and have lived with in-laws ever since whilst our house is being renovated. It should be complete within the next few months. Things haven't been easy. The household became a very toxic environment and MIL and I have a hostile relationship. She is extremely critical and judgemental of everything I do, wear, the way I talk, where I go (everything) and resents me for not being as religious as she is and she showed it with many remarks. Her bullying and harassment towards me led to me feeling very isolated and I had breakdown after breakdown. Basically what I'm saying is I told DH there is no way in hell I'd have a child whilst still living with in-laws. If MIL is this critical of me just being ME, I can't imagine how controlling she would be if I had her grandchild in the house too. I can imagine being constantly berated for not being a good mother, told I'm not feeding him/her properly, not dressing them properly, judgement about sleeping routines.. you get the idea. I want space and freedom.

The other issue is I only started working a bit over a year ago and I'm still making money and adding to my savings. Having a child right now would put my career on hold for a bit and would make me financially dependent on DH as he'd like me to stay home for a few years to take care of our baby (or babies if I had another quickly). I'm not ready for that. It'd also be harder to go back to my career after a break as I'm out of the habit and my job is intense. I want to enjoy FINALLY having my own house and safe space, I want to enjoy my job and make more money to add to my savings before I end up staying home for a bit.

DH is becoming impatient and won't stop pressurising me for a child despite the reasons I've outlined. I've told him I 100% DO want a child in the next couple of years but I'm not in the right mental space for one right now.. I can't even consider it whilst living with in-laws. I'm sure I'll be ready once we have our own place but whilst we're still living with in-laws, my brain freaks out at the idea?

The last time DH pressurised me, he assumed I didn't want to be a mother. He was telling me the beauty of raising a child should outweigh my other concerns but I told him he's asking me to relate to something I have never done (raising a child).. I can only think about things I've experienced so far directly. I was in tears as I'm tired of being pressurised by DH and his mother for a baby when I keep expressing my feelings and how I'd be impacted the most by a child emotionally, physically and financially hence my decision should be respected at least a bit, surely? Clearly it isn't or I wouldn't be repeatedly asked again and again. When do you think is the right time to have a baby? After we move out and I've been working for another year at least maybe? Or am I just being selfish I don't know. If so, help me see sense. They make me feel like I'm doing something wrong and tell me that 26 is not still young whenever I still have time and am young.

What... This thread is making my head spin. Why would you leave your child with MIL?

Your mother-in-law and your husband are working as a team to try and dominate you to use you as an incubator to provide a baby for them
What are you getting out of this situation, why are you tolerating these attempts to enslave you?
They wouldn't see me for dust💨

'I told her things were different'
Don't waste your breath talking to this mad woman, she's hardwired and she won't change, I would get as far away from both of them as I possibly could

This.

I totally agree, and I saw this a mile off. Right now, she tries to control me as much as she can by remarking on what I eat, how I cook, how I dress, what time I come home, where me and DH go out on dates, how often I visit home - there's always judgemental remarks as to how I'm doing something wrong and DH is very aware of this. Hence, I told DH that I would NEVER in a million years get pregnant whilst living with MIL, regardless of how much pressure is placed upon me. I thought if she is this judgemental towards me, just as I am, I can't imagine how much more controlling and bossy she'd become once she has a grandchild in the house as she will simply say, but that's MY grandchild!

I'm at a bit of a loss. If MIL provides childcare, I am free to return to work and I can continue earning money. However, if I take on childcare myself, I become a SAHM. It's not the end of the world.. DH earns enough so that we won't struggle and I'm not a big spender. It's just not what I had in mind? I was at university for years earning multiple degrees and I enjoy earning money and being extremely productive - it's my passion I think. Being a SAHM, I don't know if it would fulfil my passion or if I would feel as though something is missing? When I told DH this, he gave me a lecture of how I'm prioritising my job over being a mother and how being a mother is more important than the passion working gives me - I think they aren't comparable? Both are important, but very different.

Make sure YOU are totally in control of your fertility , YOU organise your own efficient contraception . With or without DH's knowledge or agreement.
Regardless of his use of condoms or withdrawal.

This isn't possible. You can't leave your child all day with someone else and 'be careful about what ideas are out into the child's mind'. When you let someone care for your child, they do it their way ultimately. Also, on the flip side it's not really fair to be so critical of your MIL but then be absolutely fine with her providing free childcare for your future children! Either shes a bully who shouldn't be left to care for your child, or she's not that bad so you trust her to care for your children so perhaps you shouldn't be so critical of her. You can't really have it both ways. I'd never leave my child to be cared for by someone who I think very badly of, my children are precious to me and I don't want them to come to harm.

giving his mother and how much he pressurises you, his patience will run out and this won’t end well for you.

personally, i would be running for the hills.

26 IS young! Plenty time to kick off your career, find yourself, and most importantly find a partner that respects you!

It's not a choice between SAHM or MIL provides free childcare, you could use nursery care like many of us do (or nanny, or childminder). Most people don't have grandparents around to provide loads of free childcare anyway.

Pay for childcare like everyone else.

But don't do that.

Divorce and start again or I guarantee you'll be here in 5 years with a horrific domestic abuse story.

Do NOT have a baby with this man and make sure he can’t tamper with your contraception.

how dare he pressure you! How dare he let you live in a house where you are constantly criticised and not save you
and how dare he judge you, saying you should appreciate the beauty of raising a child. And how dare he expect you to give up your job.
tell him you will be working for several more years, then you’ll have a baby and he will stay home to raise it. Of course the joy of raising a baby will be HIS priority then right? No. Suddenly I’m sure you won’t hear then about ‘who cares what other people think’ because he will in fact care what other people think and other peoples traditions.

have you ever nagged him and pressured him so much he’s felt so bad that he’s cried? I doubt it.

you NEED to get out of this house.

Your current aspirations are not compatible with that of your husbands and by extension his family.

I would take an extreme position and tell him you are not prepared to have a child before 30 for example. See how that lands. If he wanted to be married to someone who would stay at home (to be bullied and patronised) then he's married to the wrong person.
If he loves you, then he will be prepared to discuss the terms under which you would both start and raise a family. Otherwise you would be better off divorcing now, I'm sorry.

When I told DH this, he gave me a lecture of how I'm prioritising my job over being a mother and how being a mother is more important than the passion working gives me - I think they aren't comparable? Both are important, but very different.

does he have a non sexist reason why being a father shouldn’t be prioritised over any job he has?
why his passion to be a father and a SAHP isn’t his priority?

if it’s because of money then all the more reason you should keep working right? Then once you earn more his passion can be realised.

Omg OP, are you for real? You realise if you do this your baby will never be yours? She will completely take over. That's the most ludicrous idea for you to be thinking of following through with..

I wouldn't be having a baby with this man.

I am glad you are able to know what you want in such a difficult environment.

Keep what you want and need in focus throughout.

The time to have a baby …if you want to…. And when you are sure your family and in-laws and finances (including access for you to money if you take time out of work) and environment will make for a stable loving home.

They can have their opinions but I wonder if they have thought how to change their behaviour to give you the confidence and support to be yourself. Bullying you is never going to be helpful.

If you see all of this and are still with him then there's nothing left to be said.

What do you want from this thread op?

I would get some permanent contraception sorted, even if you keep this to yourself. I’d see how you fare living in your own house and maybe consider it the other side of 30.

I was pregnant at 27 and it is young. None of my friends had babies for years after. My NCT group were all 5-10 years older than me.

I think your career is likely to take a backseat for at least 7 years if you have 2 children (the time it takes for the youngest to start school). If your career is really important to you, do what you need to to there first.
Maybe start saving towards childcare as a goal- then you can pay for it and won’t be strong armed into handing the baby to your helpful mil. Look at what it costs per day in your area- prob around £60.

Dump him now and get out, stop agonising over the details.

If you willingly stay in this set up, more fool you OP.

This is not a healthy marriage, OP.

Please think long and hard about staying married to this man. Him lecturing you and pressuring you into becoming his baby making factory and giving up your career and financial independence for ‘the joy of raising children’ combined with his awful mum is a huge red flag. He has no respect for you and if you have a child with him you’ll be tied to them forever.

Oh lord. Darling, you’ve got your own set of red flag bunting right there.

realistically it’s a dh problem.
he’s going back on his discussions
hes pressuring you to the point of tears
he’s not backing your career and wanting you to be happy

none of that is ok. None of it.
he should want you to feel happy and fulfilled. He shouldn’t want you to be upset.

also. For god sake don’t let her look after the child. Imagine the poison she will drip in their ear. She will undermine you, make you feel like the absolute worst mother.

if he cannot get it into his head you are not ready I would be tempted to go back to your home until (at least) the house is ready. If he continues to disregard you I would genuinely be questioning the marriage as it does not sound like he has your best interest at heart

This.
op you can’t leave your child with a person you dislike and who actively dislikes you, all day every day, and expect them not to have an influence on your child.
you need to get real about this situation

you seem to think MIL is the problem. She’s A problem. But you won’t move out and this be magically fixed and your husband be a respectful loving partner who supports your dreams. You couldn’t be much further from that reality.

Your Husband doesn’t respect you. Your mother in law doesn’t respect you. This will not get better. No matter how long you wait to have a child. There are sooooooo many red flags from this man and his family. Don’t ignore them. It might have been a “love” marriage for you but he very clearly sees you as a vessel for his children and no more.

You’re stuck in a vile situation with awful, awful people. I hope your contraception is bulletproof.

Also, if you use your MIL for childcare, you’re a maniac. Pay for childcare and get back to work. Do not rely on that woman for anything.