Not ready for a child (warning: long rant!)

[Unsure1748]

I'm 26 and my DH is 30. We got married a year ago and have lived with in-laws ever since whilst our house is being renovated. It should be complete within the next few months. Things haven't been easy. The household became a very toxic environment and MIL and I have a hostile relationship. She is extremely critical and judgemental of everything I do, wear, the way I talk, where I go (everything) and resents me for not being as religious as she is and she showed it with many remarks. Her bullying and harassment towards me led to me feeling very isolated and I had breakdown after breakdown. Basically what I'm saying is I told DH there is no way in hell I'd have a child whilst still living with in-laws. If MIL is this critical of me just being ME, I can't imagine how controlling she would be if I had her grandchild in the house too. I can imagine being constantly berated for not being a good mother, told I'm not feeding him/her properly, not dressing them properly, judgement about sleeping routines.. you get the idea. I want space and freedom.

The other issue is I only started working a bit over a year ago and I'm still making money and adding to my savings. Having a child right now would put my career on hold for a bit and would make me financially dependent on DH as he'd like me to stay home for a few years to take care of our baby (or babies if I had another quickly). I'm not ready for that. It'd also be harder to go back to my career after a break as I'm out of the habit and my job is intense. I want to enjoy FINALLY having my own house and safe space, I want to enjoy my job and make more money to add to my savings before I end up staying home for a bit.

DH is becoming impatient and won't stop pressurising me for a child despite the reasons I've outlined. I've told him I 100% DO want a child in the next couple of years but I'm not in the right mental space for one right now.. I can't even consider it whilst living with in-laws. I'm sure I'll be ready once we have our own place but whilst we're still living with in-laws, my brain freaks out at the idea?

The last time DH pressurised me, he assumed I didn't want to be a mother. He was telling me the beauty of raising a child should outweigh my other concerns but I told him he's asking me to relate to something I have never done (raising a child).. I can only think about things I've experienced so far directly. I was in tears as I'm tired of being pressurised by DH and his mother for a baby when I keep expressing my feelings and how I'd be impacted the most by a child emotionally, physically and financially hence my decision should be respected at least a bit, surely? Clearly it isn't or I wouldn't be repeatedly asked again and again. When do you think is the right time to have a baby? After we move out and I've been working for another year at least maybe? Or am I just being selfish I don't know. If so, help me see sense. They make me feel like I'm doing something wrong and tell me that 26 is not still young whenever I still have time and am young.

Continue working, put your child in nursery or use a childminder, like 99% of other working couples. You will be beholden to your MIL if she provides free childcare; you will be cowed, isolated and diminished if you give up work to become a SAHM, that will quickly become a permanent arrangement.

If you can't afford suitable childcare between you at a nursery or childminder, do not have a child until you can.

This is a Sliding Doors moment -- the choices you make now, with this man, and in terms of childcare arrangements, will impact your entire future.

As an aside, you seem totally incompatible: you appear driven, modern, clever, sensible; he sounds misogynistic, traditional in all the worst ways, and not supportive of your ambitions in the slightest.

Op you need to talk to someone outside of this 3 way relationship

In terms of me taking a big pay cut, I told him that if I have to take a huge hit financially, I expect him to give me a monthly allowance because how else can I grocery shop, baby shop etc without a wage? He said this was fine and we'd work it out.
an allowance? Like pocket money? That you can use to spend on joint groceries and joint baby needs? What will he spend his money on?

can either stay at home, raise the child and give up my job for a few years. Alternatively, I could allow MIL to take care of the child during the day
since when are these the only two options? I don’t understand why you would think it was an option. My MIL is like yours. I wouldn’t give my baby to her for 10 minutes unsupervised.

i feel like you can’t see the wood for the trees here. You sound intelligent but quite beaten down and a bit gaslit by the garbage they keep spouting. What do your family think?

You're being abused by your husband and his mother. He's pressuring you to have a child, but you are still young and it's not what you want yet. That's downright nasty. Tell him once and for all to stop or he is putting the marriage at risk. Be responsible for your own contraception. Give yourself some time - years, not months - to follow your dreams some more before tying yourself down. When/if you have a child never, ever, let that woman take on child minding responsibilities.

You're going to end uo either divorced or miserable for the rest of your life. If you have a baby with this man it will be both. Men get more traditional als they get older or when they have children. Forget about your love for him at the moment and read all that we are telling you. You must realise somewhere inside you that he doesn't respect you and that he wants a different (traditional) life than you.

No not a monthly allowance !! You are not the nanny or housekeeper.
Full access to the family money. you are married
Better, keep working , use childcare but not Fil mil (they can pick up child from nursery one day a week maybe)
Better,, reconsider this marriage

The other issue is I only started working a bit over a year ago and I'm still making money and adding to my savings. Having a child right now would put my career on hold for a bit and would make me financially dependent on DH as he'd like me to stay home for a few years to take care of our baby (or babies if I had another quickly). I'm not ready for that. It'd also be harder to go back to my career after a break as I'm out of the habit and my job is intense. I want to enjoy FINALLY having my own house and safe space, I want to enjoy my job and make more money to add to my savings before I end up staying home for a bit.
Where is your own family?
What other living arrangements could you make for yourself while your house is still being renovated?
You have so much ambition - why are you wasting it, trapped inside this controlling family?

DH is becoming impatient and won't stop pressurising me for a child despite the reasons I've outlined. I've told him I 100% DO want a child in the next couple of years but I'm not in the right mental space for one right now.. I can't even consider it whilst living with in-laws. I'm sure I'll be ready once we have our own place but whilst we're still living with in-laws, my brain freaks out at the idea?
Tell him you are not a hired uterus, & to STFU.
Use strong words. Get angry. How DARE he keep on at you like this - pressuring you until you cry?

The last time DH pressurised me, he assumed I didn't want to be a mother. He was telling me the beauty of raising a child should outweigh my other concerns but I told him he's asking me to relate to something I have never done (raising a child).. I can only think about things I've experienced so far directly. I was in tears as I'm tired of being pressurised by DH and his mother for a baby when I keep expressing my feelings and how I'd be impacted the most by a child emotionally, physically and financially hence my decision should be respected at least a bit, surely? Clearly it isn't or I wouldn't be repeatedly asked again and again. When do you think is the right time to have a baby? After we move out and I've been working for another year at least maybe? Or am I just being selfish I don't know. If so, help me see sense. They make me feel like I'm doing something wrong and tell me that 26 is not still young whenever I still have time and am young.
Note that he does not have a single thought in his head about the beauty of HIM raising a child.
He just expects you to do it for him, while he forges on with his career.
How on earth have you got to a point where you are worrying if YOU are the selfish one here? Your H & his ghastly mother are putting their own wishes above yours, every time. They are being horrible to you, you are getting nothing but criticism & pressure.
I seriously think you should move out, & see how you feel living without this constant negativity & harassment.

I'm at a bit of a loss. If MIL provides childcare, I am free to return to work and I can continue earning money. However, if I take on childcare myself, I become a SAHM. It's not the end of the world.. DH earns enough so that we won't struggle and I'm not a big spender. It's just not what I had in mind? I was at university for years earning multiple degrees and I enjoy earning money and being extremely productive - it's my passion I think. Being a SAHM, I don't know if it would fulfil my passion or if I would feel as though something is missing?
Do not have a child with this man.
Moving out into your own home with him will not feel as different as you are hoping it will. He believes exactly the same things as his mother does, & he & she are looking to rule your life.
You do not want to be a SAHM & sacrifice your career.
You do not want to hand your child over to your controlling MiL to infect with her stupid internalised misogyny, & you do NOT need to end up in a position where she weaponises your child against you (she will - & your H will back her).

When I told DH this, he gave me a lecture of how I'm prioritising my job over being a mother and how being a mother is more important than the passion working gives me - I think they aren't comparable? Both are important, but very different.
He is prioritising his job over being a father. He has no intention of taking a career break - but expects to be able to order you to.

FFS you've got 10 years before you need to get serious about having a child - if you even want to be a mother at all. It's not obligatory. Neither is marriage to a controlling arsehole who wants you to become dependent on him, do what he tells you to, & has no respect for your career, personal autonomy, or rights to your own body.

Your husband is a sexist dinosaur. I think you'd be well rid of him.
Try living apart from him for a short space of time. You might discover that you like it.

“I was actually planning to leave the baby with MIL during the day when I go back to work as childcare is expensive and she stays at home all day”
”allow her to bond with her grandchild”
Oh good grief NO NO NO NO!
She and your husband and treating you like a brood mare. You’ve used the words “produce a baby” and that’s exactly what they want you to do. Produce a baby for the family, rather than become a mother on your own terms. She’d be delighted to take the baby off you and “parent” it her way. Entirely her way all day, behind your back and ignoring all instructions you give. You say you’d be careful because you wouldn’t want her imposing her values on the child, but that’s EXACTLY what she’d do and you wouldn’t be able to stop her. You don’t have your child yet so you probably can’t imagine how awful it would feel to have someone like her keep doing the opposite of what you want with your child, when you’re not there. But there are plenty of examples right here on MN.
Childcare when both parents are earning is expensive yes, but can be done. And you stay in control.
If you are staying in this unsatisfactory marriage with all its influence from your husband’s awful mother, keep the dreadful old bat away from your child as much as possible. She’s absolutely poisonous to you. How can someone like that be a fit person to care for your child? What kind of “bond” are you imagining?
Honestly, think very very very carefully about having a child at all with this man. The rushing you into getting pregnant is really concerning. It’s not like you’re 40 and he’s 50. It seems to me that both “d”H and his awful mother are bullying you, he wants to keep you chained to him and under control by having a baby, and that maybe you are having second thoughts about having a baby at all. Frankly it isn’t a good marriage and you’d be better off out of it.
And, it’s it striking how these ultra religious types seem to be 100% lacking in the love, peace, kindness and tolerance that they preach?

This. You need to get sway for a bit and rethink. He's trying to trap you.

Good - other PP are urging you to book yourself a break away from these people OP. You have normalised their behaviour for so long that you cannot see how disgracefully out of line it is. You need a reality check. Can you book a solo holiday, or stay with a good friend for a while?

Your DH is only going to get more abusive op. Once you've had a baby, are financially and emotionally and physically vulnerable it will ramp up. Your mil sounds toxic but your DH more so.

Fucking RUN.

Otherwise you are going to think of this post in 5 years and regret not getting out while it was "only" a divorce as the worst point.

If you stay and have a child with him, your career will be dead. And you'll be tied to him forever through that child - and his family.

Get out!

This thread perfectly illustrates why so many families are so dysfunctional.

Look into ‘The Freedom Programme’ and complete the course OP

I think it would open your eyes to how your ‘D’H is behaving.

Also please be aware that SAHM and MIL having the baby are not your only options. There is paid childcare and your DH can also go part time to share care.

your words about how you will take the financial hit of leaving work is very worrying. He would have that responsibility too. Asking him for a handout if you leave your job and him saying yeh yeh we will work it out sounds like you are walking headlong into financial abuse.

please look that course up.

Here you go OP
www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/online.php

You might find this site informative too. You need to recognise how abusive your H & MiL are to you - outofthefog.website/who-we-are

outofthefog.website/toolbox-intro

@Unsure1748 so basiaccy he’s ignoring what he said to you prior to marriage about having a life first before trying to conceive.

he’s not listening or respecting your thoughts on this.

he’s pressurising you.

he doesn’t stand up to his DM for you as she manipulates the situation with tears.

You will end up trapped and unhappy as a SAHM with an ‘allowance’ you rely on your husband to give you. Your MIL will
continue to dictate what you are doing wrong and interfere in your marriage and parenting.

There would be no sex let alone TTC until
so many things were resolved in this relationship if I were you.

how far off is the house being ready? Is it liveable in whilst being finished off. I’ve lived in houses whilst we finished them before. As long as the plumbing was in, heating and electric etc I’d make do for 3/4 months with dust/plaster whatever.

Having a baby is fucking hard work and you need to really want one before you have one. Get yourself the contraceptive injection while you plan to get out.

Why would you even consider leaving your child (when you have one) with your MIL?!

Rent somewhere else, make it clear you have been unhappy with the situation and then see how things go - do not rush into getting pregnant though!

This would be a deal breaker for me. You sound as though you would be trapped, potentially for 18 years. You should be sure and mentally ready as having a baby is bloody hard work. If you are already in a low place you may be more likely to have PPD. Please do not consider this until you are ready.

I think the best time to have a child with this man is never. He and his mother seem very controlling. The situation is only going to get worse once you have a baby. If you were a friend, I would urge you to get a divorce.

If you stay with your husband, only have a baby once you can afford to pay for a nursery or childminder. Ideally, once you are completely financially secure (and can do with no or minimal help from your husband) so you can walk away anytime if you want. Do not give up your job to become a sahm or rely on your mil for childcare. It will allow your husband and mil to control you even more, and with a baby it will be so much harder to break free.

You seem intelligent, dynamic, modern and confident. Please don't throw everything away for a man that does not respect your wishes and sees you as a baby machine. You are still very young by modern standards. Plenty of time to have children later on. Plenty of time to meet someone else and have children later on. I had mine at 31 and 36, and I am the norm in my children's primary.

The options aren't leave the child with your Mil or give up work, there is a 3rd option paid childcare which your DH would need to contribute the costs to.

Do not give up work whilst your husband gives you an allowance to pay for food and baby clothes. Read all of the many many threads on here when that has gone horribly wrong.

Your dH has a wierd rosy view of having a child, some horrifically sexist idea of the roles of the man and woman and quite clearly thinks what he says is more important.

Frankly I think you are better off out of rhe relationship but if you are going to stay in it keep your independence, your earning potential and your career

Ugh I know you love this man, but is that enough to lose your self over? You will be tied to his family forever if you have a child with him. Is how he/they treat you how you want your child to be treated? Imagine if you have a daughter! They clearly don't care about you, just about what you can do for them. They don't care about you, your career, your wishes, your mental health. Nothing. Your only purpose is as a wife and mother. You are not a person.

How about replying to MIL somewhere along the lines of
"Ha, ha, good one MIL, I won't be ready to consider motherhood until I'm at least 30 and have solidified my position in my career and can take a career break"

After that it can be "Give it a rest, MIL, I've alreay told you I am nowhere near ready to start a family" and repeat using the exact same words each and every time. Same with your DH.

Or just run for the hills...

Every time he brings it up shut it down by repeatedly saying “I have explained my reasons for waiting. I am not discussing it further until we are living in our own space.”
I think it sounds like he’s getting a lot of pressure from his mum and is in turn putting it in you. Totally unacceptable and I would seriously consider moving into a rental or air bnb until you can get into your own house.

You see your husband through loving eyes.

From the outside, this is not a man you should have a child with.

I can tell you exactly how it will go. He'll carry on pressuring you. You'll think oh I'll hold on until we have our own place and then everything will be wonderful.

Even when you move out his mum will be a constant critical presence. She'll want a key to your house and your husband will give her one and be cross with you if you object. She'll come round and let herself in whenever she wants and if you object you'll get it from both of them about how she wants to help and you can't keep her away from her grandchild and why are you being so rude.

You'll have that baby and watch your husband change then. Him and his mother will tag team you and you'll be trapped there with the baby, being told you're doing everything wrong and you'll slowly start to realise he is always backing his mother up.

And he'll be wanting a second child before you know it and like fuck will he want you to go back to work then.

Both those replies would go down a lead balloon and lead to WW3.

The Aussie friend I mentioned in a PP on this thread told me that on the whole, her DH’s DP’s were lovely but when they wanted their own way they were very argumentative (she thinks it’s because it’s cultural, to treat the DIL etc harshly). After their white wedding in Australia she got pregnant (unplanned) quickly when back in UK (before the Hindu wedding), IL’s were thrilled obviously and she gave up work but was put under pressure by them if she said she wanted to return to work.

There are other options between MIL doing childcare and you being a SAHM. Most women send their dc to a nursery or childminder either part time or full time. I know that eats up most of a salary but it means your keeping your foot in the door, progressing up the ladder, paying towards pension etc. so makes sense for you seeing as you like your job. Why is that not an option for you?

But if you do not want a baby yet then please don't have one. It's completely unacceptable for them to be pressurising you. I have no idea what the average age to have a child is but it must be older than 26 nowadays. Most women in my friendship group were early to mid thirties.