Not ready for a child (warning: long rant!)

[Unsure1748]

I'm 26 and my DH is 30. We got married a year ago and have lived with in-laws ever since whilst our house is being renovated. It should be complete within the next few months. Things haven't been easy. The household became a very toxic environment and MIL and I have a hostile relationship. She is extremely critical and judgemental of everything I do, wear, the way I talk, where I go (everything) and resents me for not being as religious as she is and she showed it with many remarks. Her bullying and harassment towards me led to me feeling very isolated and I had breakdown after breakdown. Basically what I'm saying is I told DH there is no way in hell I'd have a child whilst still living with in-laws. If MIL is this critical of me just being ME, I can't imagine how controlling she would be if I had her grandchild in the house too. I can imagine being constantly berated for not being a good mother, told I'm not feeding him/her properly, not dressing them properly, judgement about sleeping routines.. you get the idea. I want space and freedom.

The other issue is I only started working a bit over a year ago and I'm still making money and adding to my savings. Having a child right now would put my career on hold for a bit and would make me financially dependent on DH as he'd like me to stay home for a few years to take care of our baby (or babies if I had another quickly). I'm not ready for that. It'd also be harder to go back to my career after a break as I'm out of the habit and my job is intense. I want to enjoy FINALLY having my own house and safe space, I want to enjoy my job and make more money to add to my savings before I end up staying home for a bit.

DH is becoming impatient and won't stop pressurising me for a child despite the reasons I've outlined. I've told him I 100% DO want a child in the next couple of years but I'm not in the right mental space for one right now.. I can't even consider it whilst living with in-laws. I'm sure I'll be ready once we have our own place but whilst we're still living with in-laws, my brain freaks out at the idea?

The last time DH pressurised me, he assumed I didn't want to be a mother. He was telling me the beauty of raising a child should outweigh my other concerns but I told him he's asking me to relate to something I have never done (raising a child).. I can only think about things I've experienced so far directly. I was in tears as I'm tired of being pressurised by DH and his mother for a baby when I keep expressing my feelings and how I'd be impacted the most by a child emotionally, physically and financially hence my decision should be respected at least a bit, surely? Clearly it isn't or I wouldn't be repeatedly asked again and again. When do you think is the right time to have a baby? After we move out and I've been working for another year at least maybe? Or am I just being selfish I don't know. If so, help me see sense. They make me feel like I'm doing something wrong and tell me that 26 is not still young whenever I still have time and am young.

Islam? the health visitors at work used to say the mums were on their knees with exhaustion and the dh's didnt see a problem with that.

My muslim colleagues grandad thought her on the shelf at 17.

Did you two not talk about this before getting married? I don't see anything wrong with him wanting to know when you think you'll be ready, just like there's nothing wrong with you not being ready yet, but this whole issue should have been dealt with before you got married

YANBU! If you don't feel ready to have a child then do not under any circumstances have one! I think getting established in your career for a couple of years and living in your own space together on your own before children is a fantastic idea. There are a lot of changes coming up, so why add more (that you think you are not ready for) into the mix.

Please make sure you are responsible for contraception! Please fix a way so you are not dependent on him - even after children. Maybe you should agree to work 50/50 so you both look after your children. After all if it's "so beautiful" as he says he'd be willing? But I highly suspect not. Your situation sounds like you could become vulnerable and I think you should take steps to ensure you are not.

Whatever you do, do NOT have a child with this man. I don't just mean now, while you're living with his mum, I mean ever.

He's trying to control you. You've been in tears, upset, telling him you're feeling under pressure, and he doesn't care. Your MIL is criticising and judging you constantly, and he doesn't care.

He wants a child so desperately, but he wants you to stay at home and look after it for years? He isn't doing this for the beauty of looking after children. He's doing this because he wants to pin you down.

When you move out of his mum's house, do you think she will have any less influence? Do you think your husband will suddenly back off? Do you think he will stop siding with her, against you? Do you think he will suddenly start considering your feelings and respecting what you say?

You will be miserable, stuck, and downtrodden. Please, please do not do this. Speak to your family/friends, get their support, and get a divorce.

What the hell? So am I right I’m thinking he’s getting his mother in on the baby decision, and they’re pressurising you and mocking you together? That’s insane. Honestly, there’s red flags all over this op. I really would re-consider having a baby with him at all. Why is he assuming you’ll give up work to be a sahm? Some people have a baby and plan to be and then realise it’s really not for them, why is this already planned by him?

That's insane I'd be getting a divorce.

I bet you anything you'd have a child and you'd be the one lumbered with it and he does 5-10 percent of the parenting!

To be honest, I'd want to get the fuck away from all of them including your DH.

You had 'breakdown after breakdown' due to his mother's behaviour and not only did he not get you both out of there and into a rental pronto, but he actually wants you to bring a child into this??

Don’t give a date. Give a concrete list of things/achievements.
You need :
To be living in your own house with no MIL present. You should be on the deeds with a legal entitlement to half the value of the house, no matter who is paying the mortgage and who is the stay at home parent.

X amount of money in an account in your sole name. (Don’t call it your running away fund. But that’s what it is. It will ensure you can leave if you ever want/need to without needing his permission to spend money on renting a separate place while the divorce is sorted).

X amount of money saved in a shared account to go towards childcare costs (nursery or afterschool care) for when you want to go back to work.

X a legally binding marriage (I’ve added this in case you have had a religious marriage but not a legal one).

There are red flags waving all over the place op.

He is not a good man. They are not a good family. Keep your independence and please consider leaving this relationship.

You are young , and there is a better partner , a better life waiting for you.

He did stick up for me with his mum for a long time, I actually saw him having the conversations with her. His mother would cry each time he told her off for speaking to me that way. I didn't understand why she was crying? She would insult me, I would tell DH what she said later, he'd confront her and she'd start crying which would make us both feel guilty for causing 'drama'.

She never listened to any of the feedback he gave. She'd completely disregard it and continue to tell me how I wasn't religious enough, how I dress like a boy and how women look nicer in traditional dresses etc., how I am an unfit wife because I allowed my husband to heat his own food up and as a wife, it's my duty to do it blah blah - this is the day AFTER DH told her to stop saying these things. Eventually, I think he just grew tired as he knew his mother didn't listen to a single thing he said.. it went in one ear and out the other and he knew we had our house on the way now anyway so it was just a waiting game now.

I was actually planning to leave the baby with MIL during the day when I go back to work as childcare is expensive and she stays at home all day so I thought she could spend time with her grandchild and I could continue earning - she has mentioned she is fine with this too and suggested it. She's extremely conservative and backwards though and I'm modern and open-minded.. I am of course concerned about her putting ideas into an impressionable child's mind to the point where I'd have to be a SAHM so my child spends more time with ME.

In terms of me taking a big pay cut, I told him that if I have to take a huge hit financially, I expect him to give me a monthly allowance because how else can I grocery shop, baby shop etc without a wage? He said this was fine and we'd work it out.

Hi OP

your language of “love marriage” makes me think you’re possibly Indian/south Asian. The pressures you’re dealing with are very significant and the “run” advice is very hard to enact I guess.

I don’t hesitate to say that avoiding south Asian in laws was a very very strong driver in my decisions regarding choosing a mate. This doesn’t go to say that somehow white/western men come baggage free (read this forum for one!) but the one I ended up with makes life easy in a way I’d not have otherwise imagined.

none of this helps you now but just to say that if indeed it’s a south Asian marriage with south Asian/Indian in laws then the “run for the hills” advice from PP feels extremely hard to enact doesn’t it?

Get pregnant living with his mother ,and u will never leave …he’s got u where he wants u
do t like the sound of your dh
he’s not listening to you in the slightest

This village mentality from your MIL sounds so awful. It’s unacceptable that people with this sort of outlook should try to impose their views on you and how you lead your life. If possible, distance yourself as much as you can once you have moved, and issue some rules for your dh. He may improve once he is out of his mother’s home.

Oh I don't intend on living with MIL when I have my child. I'll be living separately soon and DH knows I will only have a child once we live separately and I've stood very firm on that. If I do choose to go back to work after maternity leave however, then the child will be spending most of the day with MIL so I just need to be very careful about what ideas are put into the child's mind. I don't want them growing up with same conservative views about how women are second class citizens made to serve their husbands and have babies.

Oh
well the mother in law can’t be that bad if your planning on leaving your child with her all day …😂😂

Omg. No.

Why would you agree to leave your baby with a manipulative woman like her? She'll act like she owns you if she's doing you the great favour of childcare.

Wake up op!

I think it's sounds like she's actually abusive. And as such I wouldn't leave my kid with her!

@PayPennies - actually I know of a couple of love marriages from Pakistan and North India, rarer but it does happen and I know a South Indian woman who’s living with an Iranian man (not arranged) too.

I do agree with you though, if it’s a love marriage and Indian/south Indian or other area it’s usually hard to run though again I’ve known 2 British Hindu women get divorced and 1 Sikh woman, divorced and the other (older generation) threatened a divorce unless she was treated properly.

I think OP, if I were you, I’d have a word again with your DH and say how sick this is making you and you don’t like the pressures and would like to move out. Then if no improvements think again.

I also knew an Australian woman living in London married to a British born Hindu man, from what I gather though the in laws were nice, one reason why they emigrated to Australia was control/interference by the in-laws, which got worse after both their DC were born. Luckily the in-laws didn’t follow them!

It sounds like you've been duped by him.

He acts modern when it suits him but his pressure on you to have a baby and stay home plus his overbearing traditional mother says he intends for you to be a traditional wife.

Please don't give into the pressure so that you become trapped by him.

Are there any rooms in your house that are livable?
I'd move there if there are.
Are his parents financing the house? You certainly don't want her to have a key.

You didn't say if you lived with him before marriage but I'd also want to see once it's just the two of you that he doesn't expect you to be his skivvy.

Just keep your eyes open and be cautious.

Can't quite believe you're intending on leaving your child with her. You think she's interfering now? Wait until she's got your child. You're out of your mind to be considering that.

He wants you pregnant and lumbered with childcare so that you're easier to control and he can get on with doing what he wants with you having no way to stop him
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I felt very sorry for you and was about to say you definitely leave him right now (I still think that actually) but your most recent comment about your potential child spending most of the day with MIL has really thrown me.

I can’t believe you would think that was a good idea and if you do think that after everything you’ve said then you must be stupid and you’re making a rod for your own back.

This sounds awful. I would absolutely not have a child with this man, not now or ever quite honestly. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Seriously consider how you want to live your life and what is important to you. Don’t let anyone pressure you into making decisions you are not comfortable with. And make sure your contraception is absolutely watertight!

And I agree with PP that if you think your MIL is awful now, once you have a child this will be magnified x 100000. And there is no way in hell I would want her to provide childcare. No way.

It was spoken about very briefly. It was more of a yes, we'll have children once we've got our own place, travelled a bit and I'm settled into my job. MIL and DH started pressurising me within 7 months of us getting married so much too soon!

The rush didn't fit the story at all. We hadn't even moved into our own place yet, we'd travelled a bit, yes, but I hadn't totally settled into my job yet either as it was still only my first year of working. I didn't understand the extreme pressure and rush. I just felt like I was being made to feel really guilty for not wanting to produce a baby asap and for having the audacity to prioritise myself first by saying things like I still want to enjoy my social life, I still want to add to my savings and work for longer before I have to stop.. you should've seen their reactions! MIL had a baby at like 17 so right after marriage.. but I told her things were different then and she stayed a housewife forever. I'm not a housewife and I have other things that I need to work around as well like my job.