Not ready for a child (warning: long rant!)

[Unsure1748]

I'm 26 and my DH is 30. We got married a year ago and have lived with in-laws ever since whilst our house is being renovated. It should be complete within the next few months. Things haven't been easy. The household became a very toxic environment and MIL and I have a hostile relationship. She is extremely critical and judgemental of everything I do, wear, the way I talk, where I go (everything) and resents me for not being as religious as she is and she showed it with many remarks. Her bullying and harassment towards me led to me feeling very isolated and I had breakdown after breakdown. Basically what I'm saying is I told DH there is no way in hell I'd have a child whilst still living with in-laws. If MIL is this critical of me just being ME, I can't imagine how controlling she would be if I had her grandchild in the house too. I can imagine being constantly berated for not being a good mother, told I'm not feeding him/her properly, not dressing them properly, judgement about sleeping routines.. you get the idea. I want space and freedom.

The other issue is I only started working a bit over a year ago and I'm still making money and adding to my savings. Having a child right now would put my career on hold for a bit and would make me financially dependent on DH as he'd like me to stay home for a few years to take care of our baby (or babies if I had another quickly). I'm not ready for that. It'd also be harder to go back to my career after a break as I'm out of the habit and my job is intense. I want to enjoy FINALLY having my own house and safe space, I want to enjoy my job and make more money to add to my savings before I end up staying home for a bit.

DH is becoming impatient and won't stop pressurising me for a child despite the reasons I've outlined. I've told him I 100% DO want a child in the next couple of years but I'm not in the right mental space for one right now.. I can't even consider it whilst living with in-laws. I'm sure I'll be ready once we have our own place but whilst we're still living with in-laws, my brain freaks out at the idea?

The last time DH pressurised me, he assumed I didn't want to be a mother. He was telling me the beauty of raising a child should outweigh my other concerns but I told him he's asking me to relate to something I have never done (raising a child).. I can only think about things I've experienced so far directly. I was in tears as I'm tired of being pressurised by DH and his mother for a baby when I keep expressing my feelings and how I'd be impacted the most by a child emotionally, physically and financially hence my decision should be respected at least a bit, surely? Clearly it isn't or I wouldn't be repeatedly asked again and again. When do you think is the right time to have a baby? After we move out and I've been working for another year at least maybe? Or am I just being selfish I don't know. If so, help me see sense. They make me feel like I'm doing something wrong and tell me that 26 is not still young whenever I still have time and am young.

Honestly until I read this thread, I really was oblivious to a lot of this. I'm reading each post twice and saving the thread so I can keep reminding myself. I think because there was just so much going on, I didn't really process it or dissect it much, I just ranted in frustration, or I would ignore the situation entirely and pretend it wasn't happening! Now I'm much calmer, and from reading the responses in the thread, I know being a SAHM isn't a viable option for me, I also know to proceed with extreme caution when leaving MIL with my baby. I can now take the childcare option seriously too.. before I hadn't even researched into it, or even entertained it as the automatic option seemed to be to just hand over the baby to the in-laws as they'd offered and it was free.

The other thing is, I'm actually very financially secure and stable which I'm grateful for. I never really disclose my finances to anybody at home however, as I don't want to risk it being used against me. MIL has asked me repeatedly what my monthly salary is and how much cash I have in the bank and I deliberately only say roughly 10% of what I actually have as I question her motives for wanting to know? I save EVERYTHING and I just don't really spend much anyway. All the money I got growing up, various academic scholarships and bursaries, student loans, my monthly wage.. all of it and it's enough to keep me going for a very, very long time now even if I didn't work (I intend to of course). I'm really careful with my savings as I know one day I could rely on it heavily. Therefore, not that I'm considering being a SAHM, but at least I won't struggle trying to get basic necessities. That would be horrific.

It's good that you are thinking about other options now. Please, add "not having a child with this particular man" to your list of options to consider. So many of these issues wouldn't be issues if your DH wasn't your DH.

I told DH all those things about how work is my safe place when I need a break from home life. He couldn't understand what I was saying at all. This is the same discussion that led to me being in tears.

He misunderstood what I was saying completely and started saying things like 'why would you need a break from home life? How can you just prioritise your work and money over raising OUR child? How are you making motherhood seem like such a chore? How can you feel lonely and isolated when you have a baby to keep you company?' When I said I might feel lonely and isolated, and how interacting with a baby all day isn't the same as the intellectual stimulation and socialising I get from work, he said 'how can you talk about feeling lonely when you have a CHILD to interact with?' He did not understand it AT ALL. It was like talking to a brick wall.

Hence, I just felt that it was a pointless conversation, we did not see eye to eye and I ended up just dropping the entire subject. He dropped it himself anyway when he realised I had turned my back to him now and was crying instead rather than discussing it any further.

The more you say OP, the worse he sounds. This isn't a criticism of you but perhaps this is helpful for you to articulate what's going on in your relationship.

Do you feel like having us reflect on what you say is helping you have a better understanding that what you want is fine and normal? I hope so. Your mum sounds great btw. Please tell her what's been going on, she won't be disappointed in you, I promise.

@Unsure1748 the reason your dh was having difficulty understanding AT ALL any of concerns about work being a refuge away from toxic home life and feeling isolated with a baby, is because he has zero empathy. ZERO. That's chilling.

Please consider what I and others have said here about your dh being abusive. A lot of us have actually been where you are now. It's easy to get out now but won't be with a baby.

Oh, op, I am very, very alarmed for you. Please start looking at your husband and your marriage with a very critical eye. It shouldn't be like this. You're so young, don't waste your youth on him.

Please don't give up a career you love to be a SAHP. If DH thinks all this is so important why doesn't he be the SAHP? Next time he says how important it all is tell him he can do it then. Definitely don't have a baby while you're at MIL house!

It’s about him and his mother.
I am the most maternal person and babies ARE boring (a lot of the time), they don’t keep you company! I’d say he’s living in fantasy land, but I expect he doesn’t even believe the stuff he is spouting. He’s just laying the guilt on thick. I wonder if a child at 30 has been part of his life plan. He doesn’t get to write the script for both of you though. Don’t doubt how you are feeling.

The thing is, having a baby is a really huge chore. It's also wonderful, but it is hard hard work. This sounds like you will effectively be a single mother with a husband. Has your husband ever babysat someone else's baby for even a few hours? If not it's something I would insist on. And before having a child I would agree on rules e.g. taking in turns doe xy and z. He must do nappy changes too for example. And he must be competent enough for you to go out for the day and he can look after baby solo without needing his mum.

There are so many assumptions he is making that are hard wired sexist. Why does he assume you will be the SAHM and not he be the SAHD for example. This is the sort of thing I would be challenging. E.g. "I would be far more willing to have a baby if you would be a SAHD"... his response to this will really show you he thinks of women as a different class I think.

Lastly when you agreed earlier about what the allowance was for I think you didn't get that the person who asked was shocked you would get an allowance like a second class citizen in the marriage. In our marriage we have had times when either of us have been the higher earner (including of course my mat leave). At all times both of us have had full access to ALL of the SHARED money. If you do have a child with this man (which I have many concerns about) THIS is the bare minimum you should expect. His salary plus any maternity pay you get would become both of your joint income. This also makes the childcare bills easier to manage... they come from the joint pot.

it appears your H is not listening to a word you are saying. I think your marriage is doomed, or sadly you will have to give up your life, the one you studied for years for; What was the point of going to university if your future life was simply procreating & keeping house.
Once you are in this house far from your friends & family, being told your servant role is fulfilling, & he is in control of the family finances & he gives you the minimum so that you don't have the money to pay for anything other than the pure necessities. It will be so hard to extricate yourself & child. you will be trapped. (although you say you have a private stash, Thank God, you will need it) You will be emotionally beaten down. & It appears this is already a process in action.
You may have the courage & strength to leave, but he will then fight you over the guard of the child, & your MIL will still be the one who influences.

& also, what if its a girl, he will want another to get the boy ? You know this.

He sounds like a bullying arsehole who is trying to shame you into doing what he wants. Never mind your MIL, he sounds dreadful.

Be very very careful with your contraception.

"He misunderstood what I was saying completely and started saying things like 'why would you need a break from home life? How can you just prioritise your work and money over raising OUR child? How are you making motherhood seem like such a chore? How can you feel lonely and isolated when you have a baby to keep you company?' When I said I might feel lonely and isolated, and how interacting with a baby all day isn't the same as the intellectual stimulation and socialising I get from work, he said 'how can you talk about feeling lonely when you have a CHILD to interact with?' He did not understand it AT ALL. It was like talking to a brick wall. "

If he can't understand it all, suggest that he be the SAHD!

My response is based on the childcare aspect. I don’t think it would be a problem to let her mind the children—one should care less about her traditional views and more about her demeanor around kids, if she’s good with kids who really cares what she thinks? The kids won’t.

I did assume that the MIL was the problem and not the DH, but the last few posts by OP makes it clear that the problem really is with her DH …

There is no way in hell I would allow somebody as controlling & horrible to me as OP's mum is to her to even be alone with my child, let alone let her raise them.

She would use the child to triangulate OP, she would ensure that OP's every parenting decision was undermined, she would continue ganging up with her son against OP, she would make OP's life even more hellish than it is now.

If you've never lived with a coercive controller, it can be hard to see.
OP is living with 2 of them, (& probably an enabler FiL) & even she hasn't seen the wood for the trees yet. It takes time, & it can be very difficult to 'admit' that one is in an abusive relationship.

OP you last post made me so, so sad. You deserve to be treated with so much more respect and compassion.