Not ready for a child (warning: long rant!)

[Unsure1748]

I'm 26 and my DH is 30. We got married a year ago and have lived with in-laws ever since whilst our house is being renovated. It should be complete within the next few months. Things haven't been easy. The household became a very toxic environment and MIL and I have a hostile relationship. She is extremely critical and judgemental of everything I do, wear, the way I talk, where I go (everything) and resents me for not being as religious as she is and she showed it with many remarks. Her bullying and harassment towards me led to me feeling very isolated and I had breakdown after breakdown. Basically what I'm saying is I told DH there is no way in hell I'd have a child whilst still living with in-laws. If MIL is this critical of me just being ME, I can't imagine how controlling she would be if I had her grandchild in the house too. I can imagine being constantly berated for not being a good mother, told I'm not feeding him/her properly, not dressing them properly, judgement about sleeping routines.. you get the idea. I want space and freedom.

The other issue is I only started working a bit over a year ago and I'm still making money and adding to my savings. Having a child right now would put my career on hold for a bit and would make me financially dependent on DH as he'd like me to stay home for a few years to take care of our baby (or babies if I had another quickly). I'm not ready for that. It'd also be harder to go back to my career after a break as I'm out of the habit and my job is intense. I want to enjoy FINALLY having my own house and safe space, I want to enjoy my job and make more money to add to my savings before I end up staying home for a bit.

DH is becoming impatient and won't stop pressurising me for a child despite the reasons I've outlined. I've told him I 100% DO want a child in the next couple of years but I'm not in the right mental space for one right now.. I can't even consider it whilst living with in-laws. I'm sure I'll be ready once we have our own place but whilst we're still living with in-laws, my brain freaks out at the idea?

The last time DH pressurised me, he assumed I didn't want to be a mother. He was telling me the beauty of raising a child should outweigh my other concerns but I told him he's asking me to relate to something I have never done (raising a child).. I can only think about things I've experienced so far directly. I was in tears as I'm tired of being pressurised by DH and his mother for a baby when I keep expressing my feelings and how I'd be impacted the most by a child emotionally, physically and financially hence my decision should be respected at least a bit, surely? Clearly it isn't or I wouldn't be repeatedly asked again and again. When do you think is the right time to have a baby? After we move out and I've been working for another year at least maybe? Or am I just being selfish I don't know. If so, help me see sense. They make me feel like I'm doing something wrong and tell me that 26 is not still young whenever I still have time and am young.

But the thing I don’t think a lot of MNers understand is that it’s quite normal for Indian/Pakistani etc in laws to treat their DIL’s harshly and expect them to toe the line and listen to their experience.

Yes, you get the enlightened ones who aren’t as harsh (either from living in the west or because they were treated harshly themselves and feel sorry for their DIL) but I’ve heard that of this generation MIL’s who are absolute horrors and DIL just has to put up with it. I had one ex colleague tell me the reason he was getting a bride from his village was because in his DP’s eyes a lot of English Muslims (they were Muslim) were far too western and argued too much and had their own opinions and a village girl would be more biddable. He had no choice but to go along with what they wanted, especially as they bought him (only son) a house in England.

This may have been a love match once, but it isn't now. In part you have brought it on yourself by agreeing to live with his family. You should never have been bamboozled into that. They can treat you like children because you behaving as such. Move out asap and stand on your own feet the pair of you! They have their claws back in him now good and proper. Your only hope is that he mans up when you finally move out. No babies now! Your age has nothing to do with it.

Urgh how unattractive OP. I'd be saving my money for a divorce in these circumstances you know it's going to get worse. It has to and they'll hamper you down with childcare duties as well once a baby is here. Fgs don't have a dc with this family. I say family because they'll be there. All of them.

Assuming that you want to stay married, do NOT have a baby until you get out of your in-laws house and into your own. Are you definitely sure there's a house for you to move to?

You are in a truly dreadful controlling abusive relationship and if you think your life is stressful NOW, you are so deluded.

Stay with this bully man and his psycho critical mother and you will know only misery and grief until you are calling Women's aid looking for a refuge.

I am not being dramatic I am just a much older wanwoman who can see your future.

It's not difficult.

You think she is critical now?

Just wait until you have a child with that controlling bully you have married who thinks he owns you and your body and feels entitled to bully you into having a child.

Where are your family?

If you were my daughter I would be telling you to pack your bags and get the hell away.

Do not have a child with him.

Do not give up your job.

Do not become a SAHM with a husband who is a bully.

Do not ever leave a child with a woman who is a nasty critical bully.

You desperately need to do the www.freedomprogramme.co.uk so that you learn what a controlling relationship looks like.

You are so vulnerable and young.

Ring Women's aid for advice before you are coerced into having a child you don't want and are stuck with this man and his family.

OP leave. And I am never quick to jump on the leave the relationship bandwagon but in this case I think you should.

Your opinion will never be as important to him as his mothers. You need to understand that. Living with in laws is hard. I know. I did it when we were newly married waiting on our house to be finished. And it nearly ruined our relationship.

They are showing you that you don’t matter. 26 is not old. Make sure you have a reliable form of contraception and begin the process of leaving. They already treat you like a second class citizen in your own marriage.

This won’t change or get better. Who is to say that when you do have a baby your husband won’t decide to move your MIL in for weeks as “help”.

You would be much better off out of this situation.

When I told DH this, he gave me a lecture of how I'm prioritising my job over being a mother and how being a mother is more important than the passion working gives me - I think they aren't comparable? Both are important, but very different.

Substitute 'father' for 'mother' and say this to your DH. Word for word.

His reaction will not be good. Because he's not a good husband: he's putting his mother's 'wants' over your needs. he's putting his wants over your needs.

I wouldn't be having a child with this man and I'd be looking for a way out of hte marriage safely.

Why the fuck are you even considering this as an option ?

Go back to work and use childcare.

You would be insane to leave your child with her.

I agree with you. I also think 26 is young and it's definitely not old like they keep implying to me. It's just ridiculous that whenever I mention I'm only 26 and how I still have years left to have a baby they just shoot me down. They just laugh and say things like '26 is NOT that young. You're running out of time and you're going to be too old'. Remarks like this where my feelings aren't respected repeatedly just make me feel very frustrated and angry. It's a big stress in my life at the moment and it's become a very touchy subject for me now when it wasn't before.

You've been asked repeatedly about childcare OP - what makes you think MIL or SAHM are your only options?

OP you don't just have two options, that MIL looks after your baby or you become a SAHM. You do what millions of working parents do, you both keep your fulfilling careers and you put your child in nursery. You both equally share pick ups and drop offs and sick days.

But I somehow think you know this isn't an option, because your DH doesn't see you as an equal, who deserves a life of their own, but rather you're a baby making machine and maid.

I also don't understand why you've been staying living in the house of someone if they treat you so badly. You really don't need your house to be perfect to live in, particularly when it's at the expense of your mental health. If you have electricity and running water that is better than living with your MIL

Honestly, this isn't what an equal partnership looks like. I'd be seriously thinking about getting the hell out of there, for good, and before you're trapped with children who will always tie you to this family, and that you'll always be ultimately responsible for as he clearly isn't going to be an equal parent.

You know he won't pay for childcare. He'll say using paid childcare is the OP's decision, so she should pay for it. All the drop-offs and pick-ups will be the OP's responsibility too for the same reason. She'll twist herself in knots trying to find a job that will facilitate this, and also have the flexibility to cover sickness and school holidays. But it will be too unmanageable, so she'll have to take a career break instead to become a SAHP. Which will go on for decades because DH will want more than one child, of course. She'll lose her skills. She'll have to beg him to help her with the children so she can retrain and update her skills with the hope of starting work again. But his career will be too important by then. He is the big breadwinner after all. She'll never make as much money as him and therefore her getting back into a career won't be a priority for him. She'll post on MN about this. People will say "wHy diD YOu hAve cHilDRen WIth tHis MAn?" She'll say because he promised.

This, this is precisely your future

Your Dh is quick to lecture you whenever you dare to speak of your own life experiences to justify your thoughts , feelings and plans around children.

His life experiences have been shaped by his parents and he still shares many of his mother’s beliefs as demonstrated by the two of them continuing to be pressuring you and showing disrespect of your beliefs and decisions around planning for children.

I would get out of this relationship as soon as possible because your Dh sadly does not show respect for your feelings, beliefs and opinions on planning for children.

If you don’t have respect you don’t have a relationship

Your mother-in-law and Dh are already wearing your self belief down and you are questioning your own logic and reasoning when you should not even be questioning yourself

You deserve a fair and equal partnership where you don’t have to justify yourself to your Dh or his family

Your Dh is already clearly showing you that your beliefs and feelings are not considered as valid as his on planning for children. He does not respect your decision.

Don’t stay in this relationship to find out what other things Dh does not want to resolve fairly. It’s awful that the two of them are pressuring you.

He doesn’t have the understanding and respect that it takes to have an equal relationship, and no wonder when he has not broken free of his opinionated controlling mother .

I totally agree with you. I wouldn't even say I'm in the right mental frame for a child currently. I'm still so tormented by the toxic home situation. I can honestly say I've never felt so disrespected and judged in a household. I come from a very open-minded, liberal background, where we were given the freedom to have our own opinions and express ourselves the way we wanted. DH KNEW the background I came from, and MIL knew who I was when she met me and she accepted me the way I was (or at least I thought so). I think she thought she'd get me into the family and then mould me into the ideal daughter-in-law, and when she saw I wouldn't obey, she took her anger out on me instead.

I honestly feel that once we move out and it's just me and DH, and I feel like I have a safe place to call home again, I will be much more inclined to have a child. By that time (so in a couple of years) I will be at a good stage career-wise, financially and emotionally too. I want time to make money, progress up the career ladder, and to enjoy having my own home.. I've barely even started my life yet and only just started working properly as I've been at uni until about 24.

I'm not sure why he pressurises me either. Whenever I tell him I'm in my mid-twenties yet he says that's getting on the older side now and I need to have a child asap to avoid pregnancy complications.

I agree and see exactly where you're coming from. I've become quite upfront with DH about my issues with MIL and I've told him already that she is already so heavily critical and judgemental towards me, it will only escalate when I have a child. I would never have a child whilst still living here and he knows this.

Honestly I didn't even consider it because I know DH will immediately say "why are we paying for childcare when you can just stay at home for a few years instead so you wouldn't important milestones like their first words (this has been said in the past)? Or, we could let our child spend time with their grandparents seeing as they're both home anyway and have offered."

Your husband and MIL are misogynistic bullies. I'd be rethinking the whole marriage and I'd certainly never leave a child with MIL. How would you like her teaching your son to act like your "D"H is doing or teaching your daughter that her only worth is having children as soon as she's married? Because she will. And don't think she won't be making snide little "jokes".
"Oh I know, Mummy is at work all the time"
"DIL, I know <child> better than you, you're never home are you?"
"Well we're taking <child> to the zoo for the first time, it's a shame you had to work and missed it all."

Surely if he loved you he wouldn't criticise you for wanting to work and have children. Has he even discussed dropping hours to do a day of childcare? Or costing nannies or childminder or daycare to enable you to continue your career?

Honestly, don't have a child with this man in this family. Your husband doesn't respect you or see you as a full human being in your own right.

This has disaster written all over it.

So someone else, who is supposed to love and respect you, and his mum, are both trying to make decisions about and control your body? In something which is one of the most life changing things you can do? No. And I wouldn't stay with someone who did this (including the, I believe, more common woman pressuring man for a baby). Leave. Move out for a bit, tell him it's all too much and you need some space. Move in with friends/family for a fortnight, and see how different your life is. I'm pretty sure you'll prefer it and want to permanently leave such a toxic situation and relationship. Both of them will only get worse if you have a baby.

I was married in my 20s, miscarried, divorced, single for a while. Now remarried and with 2 kids in my late 30s. I can look back now and easily see the man wasn't right, and mentally, emotionally, I was not mature enough (despite being mature for my age most of my life). From someone who's been in similar positions, don't do it. As much as I'm sad I lost that baby, in reality it would have tied me to that situation for longer, and that man for the rest of our lives, even if I left him. (He had a crazy MIL too, he was such a mummy's boy. I was never good enough and was brazenly and backhandedly insulted repeatedly, though they were never keen for me to have his child!). Thats a good point....she insults you, thinks everything you do/are is wrong...but wants a grandchild out of you? Something is really not right here

Yes, the allowance would be for me to spend on grocery shopping, baby things and maybe if I need things for myself - that's what I intended to do with it anyway. I did tell him though, that what he gives me isn't going to be comparable to the monthly wage I earn at the moment working full-time.

I don't know, I just value my work. Over this past year, work has been my safe place. When I got married, I moved to a different city and away from my friends and family. Hence, when things got hostile with MIL, I'd just stay at work all day and distract myself with the endless tasks there instead, as I had nowhere else to go. It really helped keep my mental health in check, being in an environment with people who knew nothing about what was going on at home, and kept my mind occupied so much that I didn't even have time to think about the trauma at home. I don't want to be locked down at home with no intellectual stimulation as I know how vital going to work and keeping busy was for me when going through rough times. Or else, I just crumble.

I considered leaving the baby with MIL as I thought a baby is still very young so she can't have much of an influence in terms of putting things into the baby's head. By the time my child is a bit older and old enough to understand the things MIL is saying, they'll be in school anyway and with me after that so won't be spending much time with MIL once they're 3-4. That then allows me to go back to work as well. However, an issue is DH has openly told me multiple times how they'd like me to stay at home for a few years and raise the child rather than going back to work at the first opportunity.

You're right, I have been beaten down a lot about it recently and I have been gaslit. My family are the OPPOSITE and very supportive. Not a single word about me having a child and if I ever mention it, they'll just say 'oh whenever you're ready, ignore what everybody else says, it's your body so you have a child when it's right for you'. The pressure is from in-laws and DH alone.

Honestly, just telling myself I have years to have a child and not a year, or a few months, makes my mind feel so at peace, in a way that I can't even explain. I feel no urge to have a child yet. Not when I have some other goals I still want to achieve. I've only just settled into my job (my first year in this career), I want to continue thriving in this area. I want to continue building my savings, should the need be for me to need them, and I just want to enjoy travelling with DH and finally enjoy living in our own home after desperately craving freedom from his restrictive household for so long. I have so much to look forward to yet, and I'm just not in a rush to start my motherhood journey yet. Not when I can CHOOSE when to start it.

I did tell him to back off. The last time he didn't drop the baby thing and I broke down and started crying without meaning to as the pressure had build up inside me for so long. I told him to stop it now and how I feel extremely pressurised, uncomfortable and backed into a corner and made to defend myself repeatedly and how I'd had enough now. I told him all of it how nobody had the right to tell me what to do with my OWN body seeing as I'M the one impacted the most emotionally, physically and financially - not him or MIL. He dropped it eventually.

I'm glad I spoke up as before without a thought, I was going to allow MIL all childcare responsibilities. I just thought the baby will be too young to comprehend what MIL is saying anyway and by the time my child is old enough to understand, they'll be in school and then with me after that.

I just don't get it as before we got married, he told me the most attractive thing he finds in a woman is drive and ambition. I have that and it's just backfiring in every way imaginable, like it's a curse. I told him this too and he said he means drive and ambition in different ways too e.g. being a mother.

Ok but that sounds like his money is his to gift to you if he wants and really at his discretion.
then with that gift you have to buy everything.
if you want to go back to work you know he’ll probably tell you that any childcare needs to come out your allowance, which won’t be possible and will force you to stay at home or give the baby to his mum.
if you want to get out the house, it’ll be very easy for him to ensure you can’t really afford to go out and get coffees or take the baby places, and then suddenly you’re stuck at home, where you can’t get any perspective on things.

it’s not really about MIL putting ideas in the babies head, it’s about giving MIL a window to continue to abuse you and take ownership over you. To make you indebted to her, and for her to continue being the third person in your relationship. Or the second. It actually sounds like DH and MIL feel like they should make the decisions on how you should be treated and how you should live your life.

your family sound great and supportive so please do keep lines of communication open with them, maybe talk to them about the pressure you’re feeling