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Original poster

To take DS out of school for last 2 terms of GCSE year

256 replies

Feckthelotofthem · 30/12/2022 12:18

Have spent life's savings sending DS to small local fee paying school (long story re bullying at other school, he wanted to change schools etc so we did it for last few years of secondary even though a massive stretch for us). He is doing zero work for his mocks which start next week, and also does zero to help at home. Out of home with other people he's brilliant, helpful and makes lots of effort. I'm getting increasingly resentful which is eating me up, that I'm working my arse off on long shifts at work (his Dad works hard in a job he doesn't enjoy too) me and his Dad doing everything at home in terms of house work, cooking etc, and doing lots to help with DS being supportive with studies, taking him to extra curriculum activities he enjoys etc,. It just gets thrown back in our faces. I feel like its coming to a head and I just can't stomach the ingratitude and wasted opportunities he is throwing away any more. Fair enough its his life and all that, but these things are being paid for through our labour and sacrifices not his. I'm thinking of making him move out at 16 which is in a few weeks time, not paying for his GSCEs (we have to pay at his school) and not paying for the school for the rest of this year. I know its not really the answer and it will make everybody unhappy but it feels like we're being taken for mugs and its time for some tough love. Am I being totally unreasonable? What else can I do? (Have already tried talking to school, btw).

OP posts:
Whatafielddayfortheheat · 30/12/2022 12:25

Oh OP. I mean I think you know you can't do this really, and you're just venting. What does your son say? Teenagers are hard work aren't they!

WhineWhineWINE · 30/12/2022 12:28

I'm all for a bit of tough love with stroppy, obnoxious, entitled teenagers (I have one too), but I think tanking his GCSEs is a bit harsh. I'd get those out of the way at least and then start making him stand on his own two feet a bit more.

Coyoacan · 30/12/2022 12:29

So you want to punish pretty standard bad teenage behaviour by making your son homeless and ruining the rest of his life?

Original poster
Feckthelotofthem · 30/12/2022 12:29

He doesn't say anything in particular at the threats other than 'go on then' type responses. Have tried sitting down having constructive conversations loads of times, have tried rewards, incentives, carrots and sticks etc! Have just had enough now and want peace from it and for the trouble to to stop. Even if it is replaced with sadness.

OP posts:
SavoirFlair · 30/12/2022 12:30

Feckthelotofthem · 30/12/2022 12:29

He doesn't say anything in particular at the threats other than 'go on then' type responses. Have tried sitting down having constructive conversations loads of times, have tried rewards, incentives, carrots and sticks etc! Have just had enough now and want peace from it and for the trouble to to stop. Even if it is replaced with sadness.

But it doesn’t stop , unless you are going to disown him for life

Are you going to be there when the results of your rash choice has a massive impact on his life?

DelphiniumBlue · 30/12/2022 12:31

You say he's a good lad in lots of ways. I wouldn't get too het up over help at home right now, that can wait. He's not studying because..why? Too much time gaming? Not knowing what to do?
The school should be starting extra revisions classes/homework club etc soon, and if they don't contact them and ask them to do that. All our local state schools do it, if you're paying, you should get more help.
He is a teenager, he won't necessarily understand the importance of good grades in GCSE, and even if you tell him, it won't necessarily compute. You are the grownup here, you know how important it is. Find ways to help him focus and study..buy the CGP study guides and work through them with him. You may well have to sit next to him to him on track.
It's infuriating and and yes, he should be able to motivate himself, but if he is struggling, you'll need to find ways of doing it to maximise his post-16 options. Does he understand that to study subjects at A level, he needs good grades at GCSE? That to get an apprenticeship he needs solid passes in maths, english etc?
Don't pull him out of school, that's ridiculous. You've only got another 6 months, just keep going. He might not appreciate it now but he will do later. And you will know that you've done your best.

PeppermintPorpoise · 30/12/2022 12:31

Yes this would be totally unreasonable but I sense you know that and this is frustration speaking. When I decided to go the private school route with mine I promised myself I would never make the kids feel like they owed me anything in return for my sacrifice but that has not been easy! What are his grades like? Is he failing everything? Or just not doing as well as you would like? What's his behavior like at home in terms of how you all interact beyond him not helping out?

Original poster
Feckthelotofthem · 30/12/2022 12:31

Coyoacan what do you suggest as an alternative then? I slave like Cinderella whilst he lies on his bed effectively giving me the finger? Just because its 'what teenagers do' doesn't make it ok.

OP posts:
yoshiblue · 30/12/2022 12:32

Unless he's taking heroin you shouldn't chuck a child out!

I would let him do his mocks and get the crap grades, might shake him up to start revising for the real exams. It's so late to pull him out of school, usually you have to give a terms notice anyway, so probably only one term fee savings.

Also, it's not his fault you have committed to pay private. See it through until the end of year 11, then he can go somewhere free for sixth form.

TerfOnATrain · 30/12/2022 12:33

Of course you can’t. You pay the last two terms then send him to a state sixth form college to finish his education.

User57713 · 30/12/2022 12:34

I would not damage his gcse chances but I would cut back on the extra things if you feel he's majorly taking advantage, bearing in mind that most teenagers are pretty self-centred anyway.
Stop driving him to extra activities, stop paying for his Internet, make him earn those privileges by pulling his weight around the house.
Don't pick up his dirty clothes, make him wash them himself. Stock the cupboard with basics and not necessarily the things he particularly likes.
But don't mess up his schooling, that really is the nuclear option

TeenDivided · 30/12/2022 12:34

You support him the best you can through GCSEs at his current school.
He doesn't continue for A levels there.
You make it clear that after GCSEs he has to be in education or work, and that otherwise allowances stop etc.

Highlyflavouredgravy · 30/12/2022 12:35

You chose to send jim tovthe school! You! Not him.
This is down to you.

SayMyNameProperly · 30/12/2022 12:35

TeenDivided · 30/12/2022 12:34

You support him the best you can through GCSEs at his current school.
He doesn't continue for A levels there.
You make it clear that after GCSEs he has to be in education or work, and that otherwise allowances stop etc.

This.

Don't be the person who scuppered his GCSEs - that's his look out.

ArtixLynx · 30/12/2022 12:36

dont be stupid. you can't tank his GCSE's and put him out on the street at 16 just because he's being a typical bloody teenager.

Suggest you give your head a bloody wobble and get a grip. Are you trying to ruin the rest of his life just because you're a bit pissed off?

BCBird · 30/12/2022 12:37

It must be extremely difficult for you and your husband. Ur son is obviously.not happy.for whatever reason. Will he communicate the problem.with you? I would not jeopardise his GCSE,even if he is.perhsps u could try and see if he can.make more of an effort till.then.and then have the freedom.to do.other things. I.would say a job is a definite must. Good luck navigating this trying time. U and dh both need to be singing from the same hymn sheet.

meditrina · 30/12/2022 12:38

Have you already given notice to the school?

The normal T&Cs are a full terms notice, so if you do it now, you won't be contractually obliged to pay for the summer term.

Will you be able to HE?

If not, where will he go to school? For he needs to be in education or training until age 18, so you'll need to sort something out

Overitallnow · 30/12/2022 12:38

Seriously???? I cannot believe a parent would even consider this.

JazzHandsYeah · 30/12/2022 12:39

No you really can’t do that, no matter how much you want to. Teenagers are bloody hard work (give me a toddler any day), but he is still a child.
If you do that and scupper his GCSE exams, you’re potentially fucking up his entire future and I dare say any chance of a better relationship with him.
Be the adult. Let him finish this year. If he fails that’s on him.

Needmorelego · 30/12/2022 12:39

I don't know where you think he will live at 16 or pay for it.
He is statutory school age until June 30th 2023. He doesn't have to be in an actual school obviously (ie he could home school) but he also can't go off and get a job that would pay rent/bills/food because there are legal restrictions about hours and type of job children of statutory school age can do.
Don't be so silly.

Singleandproud · 30/12/2022 12:39

Just move him to a state school, you choose to move him to a fee paying school, you and your husband choose to work long hours in jobs you don't like. You decided to put him in for extracurricular activities you can't now moan about taking him.

He is a child, he did not ask to be born and he did not ask for you to make the choices you made. Children, particularly teens are not grateful because they are naturally self absorbed, they aren't fully developed yet, they'll become grateful when they are much older you have unrealistic expectations.

It's also totally normal for lots of teens to do nothing in preparation for their mocks, get rubbish grades and then pull their socks up and try harder for the real ones.

mumonthehill · 30/12/2022 12:40

There are other options. You stop the extra activities first, you stop cooking for him or doing laundry and encourage him to study. Talk to him about what his plan b is if he fails his exams and make him understand what this means. Also at a fee paying school I would expect them to be helping him to achieve.

Original poster
Feckthelotofthem · 30/12/2022 12:41

"buy the CGP study guides and work through them with him. You may well have to sit next to him to him on track." Bought him the guides, most not been opened. Have offered to sit with him, trying to help, eg we all watched Macbeth on TV last week! Tried to talk about it afterwards - not interested. I wasn't thinking of him being on the street but looking for alternative accommodation and he would need to get a job to help fund it. He's not doing A levels, given he won't work for GCSEs we've ruled A levels out.

OP posts:
GetOffTheTableMabel · 30/12/2022 12:43

He’s a child. How do you expect that your homeless child will get his life back on track with no qualifications? If you throw him out and cut him off from education, how do you think his life will progress. Do you think he’ll want a relationship with you in the future?
He might be behaving badly but it’s pretty developmentally appropriate stuff. You brought him up. You’re the adult. You don’t get to just wash your hands of all responsibility here.

MrsSkylerWhite · 30/12/2022 12:43

You chose to send him there with the consequent sacrifices.
if you follow through with this you risk screwing up the rest of his life.
you have to let him finish his GCSEs then he can go to state College.
where exactly do you expect him to go? There is little if any state support at that age.

This too will pass. He will be a very different young man in 4 years.