To take DS out of school for last 2 terms of GCSE year

[Feckthelotofthem]

Have spent life's savings sending DS to small local fee paying school (long story re bullying at other school, he wanted to change schools etc so we did it for last few years of secondary even though a massive stretch for us). He is doing zero work for his mocks which start next week, and also does zero to help at home. Out of home with other people he's brilliant, helpful and makes lots of effort. I'm getting increasingly resentful which is eating me up, that I'm working my arse off on long shifts at work (his Dad works hard in a job he doesn't enjoy too) me and his Dad doing everything at home in terms of house work, cooking etc, and doing lots to help with DS being supportive with studies, taking him to extra curriculum activities he enjoys etc,. It just gets thrown back in our faces. I feel like its coming to a head and I just can't stomach the ingratitude and wasted opportunities he is throwing away any more. Fair enough its his life and all that, but these things are being paid for through our labour and sacrifices not his. I'm thinking of making him move out at 16 which is in a few weeks time, not paying for his GSCEs (we have to pay at his school) and not paying for the school for the rest of this year. I know its not really the answer and it will make everybody unhappy but it feels like we're being taken for mugs and its time for some tough love. Am I being totally unreasonable? What else can I do? (Have already tried talking to school, btw).

Does he realise the sacrifices you have made? Not in an accusing way but perhaps calmly tell him your reasoning and your hopes for his future. Ask him or tell him that after GCSE s , you can take a look at what he plans to do. It is OK to do something else but it is not OK to do nothing . It is a minimum requirement of being allowed to live at home and be financially supported.

Good luck , as ultimately you can not really control his actions . It is so distressing as you can see the consequences for him , but a lot of teenagers do not realise the detrimental affect this will have.

It really is hard when they seem to be ungrateful and horrible. Other posters have mentioned letting him tank his mocks as it is usually a catalyst for change for teenagers. You can also use it as an opportunity to set some boundaries and expectations and show him what life will be like if he has no GCSEs.

It's ok to think in extremes as your probably feeling like there is no hope for change. But it's good that your taking a step back and getting a sense check. Is it worth you all sitting down together and explaining that his behaviour is causing you to think to such extremes? What would you think he would say to that?

You chose to send him to private school. It's not his fault. It's yours. Own it and don't make him suffer because you made a shit decision.

He owes you nothing.

You say 'we've ruled A levels out'. What does he want to do? Is he up for getting a job.

You can't pull him out of school before his GCSEs. If he fails them that's his call but he won't get anything if he isn't there. It was your choice to pay for the private school, that isn't his fault.

I'd get through the next few months the best you can and then over the summer reassess.

He'll either get it together in time for the actual exams (like most kids - it's only on here and hiding in student support with panic attacks that you find kids who work 50 hours a week on exam revision from year 6 onwards), especially with a nudge from crappy/surprisingly good mock results - or he'll just have to retake his GCSEs at the nearest college next year.

In the meantime, if he's being a unpleasant little dick to you, he loses the entertaining activities and taxi service. He's doing this shit because it gets a rise out of you (and he wouldn't dare or doesn't get the desired reaction at school, by the sounds of it).

The same technique he's using on you will work on him - his 'Go on, then' is taking power away because it's demonstrating that he's not actually that bothered. You don't have to be, either. You provide him with the opportunity for education, you feed him, he has a roof over his head - all the things he needs to exist comfortably - and the rest is up to him. It's not your future, you're comfortably off enough to be able to house and feed yourselves and build substantial savings (even if they might not have had the result that you hoped at the time, they at least got him away from a bullying situation, so money well spent in that respect).

Once you stop considering what additional accelerant you can add to the fire/how to win, things calm down. Which is where he comes in and has to use his abilities to make his way. His future, his responsibility, his consequences.

You're being ridiculous, he HAS to be in education until 18, its the law now, either full time or some kind of apprenticeship/nvq based.

Just because he isn't studying doesn't mean he won't pass his GCSE's, so how about you pull YOUR head out of YOUR ass and be an actual decent parent and keep supporting him.

Honestly, your boy boy, if this is real and you're not a troll, i hope he does leave and finds people who actually love/care about him, because you clearly don't.

ftr, i didnt do any study or make any effort with my gcses, and still have 11 passes at c or above. stop hot housing the poor kid.

You brought him into the world. he didn't make you. Providing him with an appropriate education and a roof over his head are the bare minimum of parenting. This isn't some luxurious gift you're giving him. The fact you're struggling to afford to raise your kid is not his problem.

He doesn't study for his mocks? I don't know anyone who ever did. You can't just lob a child out on the street because he doesn't do housework. You teach him. Show him how to use the washer, tumble dryer, do a load together. Then stop washing his clothes for him.

There's some really shite parenting on mumsnet lately and lots of parents thinking children should be grateful at jot being neglected and abused.

Nothing you've said implies he's a bad kid at all. Just a normal teenager that needs parenting.

This is so wrong. You're considering kicking him out and ruining his future because he's being a normal teenager. You have no right to expect gratitude for choosing to spend on his education either. You might get some decades down the line when he is an adult but he doesn't owe it to you. I have a 16 year old son albeit Y12, and it staggers me that you would treat a boy - and he is a boy - that you love like this. He's 16, he's being an arse, but you are the parent. It's your job to love and guide him regardless.

Please tell me that this isn't real? That's one of the worst things I have read on here. You would seriously leave him with no GCSEs and homeless because you think he is lazy?

When you say he is doing zero work, do you mean he is not going to school? Or do you mean he's not putting in hours of revision at home? Are you expecting him to fail all his exams? Or just not do as well as you would like?

You sound absolutely at the end of yourctether which is making your thinking completely irrational.
When school starts afain, make an appointment to go and talk to his form tutor or head of year. See what the lay of the land is.
He might actually be doing well at school and just not working at home.

You are unlikely to be able to withdraw him at this stage as your contract with school will require at least a terms notice – you really do need to do everything you can to get him through GCSEs. If he screws them up, that’s his fault, and he will have to live with the consequences but you don’t want it hanging over you in years to come that you refuse to let him sit them.
As for the rest, go to absolute minimum cook one meal for the family – if he doesn’t eat, he goes hungry. Teach him to use the washing machine – if he doesn’t do his laundry, he doesn’t have clean clothes. Stop the extra-curricular activities unless they are 100% related to his studies (e.g. if he’s doing GCSE pe, then stopping playing football would not be a great move ditto drama club etc).
what have the school said?
is there another family member – a grandparent/uncle/family friend who might be able to talk to him from a different point of view than you can?

What exactly do you think removing his home and education is going to achieve? Other than ruining your relationship with him for life.

Yep of course you have to see it through to his GSCEs he may well pull it all put

plus education is mandatory and you as the parent would be fined!

Our local state school is full for his year and not accepting any kids in year 11 apparently! I contacted them months ago to see if I could move him. There is only 1 state secondary school in our town he could hypothetically get into (other is a grammar school he can't get into of course).

This is the biggest overreaction!
im sure it's coming from a place of frustration but for goodness sake, you made the choices you made, gratitude from a teen for their education is not very likely is it? Maybe when he's 30!

He is statutory school age and withdrawing him from education unless you make alternative provision is neglect
As others have said, teenagers often get a wake up call following poor mock results. He still has time to turn it around
You are paying for his schooling. Contact the school about your concerns and ask what plan could be put in place to help him
You could cut back on his extra curricular activites, explaining in the current financial climate you need to save money. If he is money motivated, set a sum he will earn per grade, so he the better he does, the more money he will get, which can then be spent on things he wants to do in the summer
When things reach a stale mate with teenagers, it is often best to take a step back for a while to take the heat out of any tension and give them the chance to back down
Perhaps ask him to visualise how he will feel on results day if he does well and gets similar grades to his mates, plus has the choice of what he wants to do next. Then ask him how he may feel if does not do as well as he could have done due to not putting in the work (it is about achieving the grades he is capable of, not getting top marks)
Hope things improve

I think you need to let him get through his GCSEs. I can understand why you’re resentful. I’d lower the amount I’d do for him at home. Let him do his own washing, cooking etc. Support him through his GCSEs, then remove him from the fee paying school. Is there anything underlying that might be an issue?

Most schools won’t accept pupils during year 11 (unless very exceptional circumstances) because different schools use different exam boards and will be at different points of study. They know it would be massively disruptive

Wow. You’ve gone straight for the nuclear option there. I’d maybe start with stopping his extra curriculars and enforcing a chore rota at home so he can earn his ‘extras’ back. Don’t throw away his future!

What school subjects does he actually like? The more hands on ones?
What does he actually enjoy doing in life or did as a younger child?
GCSEs are very academic and exam based but a lot of teens would prefer to actually be getting on and 'doing' something.
Doesn't want to study Macbeth - yeah a lot of teens don't. Give them an IKEA set of bunk beds beds to build and they are in their element.
The basics he needs for the next stage in life (college, apprenticeship etc) are GCSEs Maths and English. That's it.
You could take him out of school. He studies independently at home for Maths and English (language - so none of that dull Shakespeare etc) and he takes the exams as an independent candidate. Forget the rest of the GCSEs for now.
The deal is he must be doing something else.
Volunteer as a leader at a local sports group.
Volunteer for local litter picking.
Volunteer for groups that help people with gardening, shopping, DIY.
Anything....

If he makes a bollocks of his GCSEs because he didn't put in the work, he will have to live with the consequences of that. As a parent, you give them the opportunities but you can't force them to make the most of them. He will get a rude awakening one way or the other, it's part of growing up. But if you withdraw your support at this moment, he will forever blame you for ruining his future. Its part of being a parent that the ungrateful little buggers often don't appreciate us until they grow up themselves. It's normal. It's so when they say they want to leave him, we let them! 😆

leave home (not him 🙄)

For different reasons my dd left school about 6 months before she was due to do gcses

When she realised she wanted gcses we arranged for her to do them privately and she did extremely well . It hasn’t affected her at all doing them a bit later