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Original poster

To take DS out of school for last 2 terms of GCSE year

256 replies

Feckthelotofthem · 30/12/2022 12:18

Have spent life's savings sending DS to small local fee paying school (long story re bullying at other school, he wanted to change schools etc so we did it for last few years of secondary even though a massive stretch for us). He is doing zero work for his mocks which start next week, and also does zero to help at home. Out of home with other people he's brilliant, helpful and makes lots of effort. I'm getting increasingly resentful which is eating me up, that I'm working my arse off on long shifts at work (his Dad works hard in a job he doesn't enjoy too) me and his Dad doing everything at home in terms of house work, cooking etc, and doing lots to help with DS being supportive with studies, taking him to extra curriculum activities he enjoys etc,. It just gets thrown back in our faces. I feel like its coming to a head and I just can't stomach the ingratitude and wasted opportunities he is throwing away any more. Fair enough its his life and all that, but these things are being paid for through our labour and sacrifices not his. I'm thinking of making him move out at 16 which is in a few weeks time, not paying for his GSCEs (we have to pay at his school) and not paying for the school for the rest of this year. I know its not really the answer and it will make everybody unhappy but it feels like we're being taken for mugs and its time for some tough love. Am I being totally unreasonable? What else can I do? (Have already tried talking to school, btw).

OP posts:
Testina · 30/12/2022 13:39

Curious why “making him leave at 16” is an option higher up the list than “stop driving him to his fun activities” 🤣

I’m sympathetic, but having got it out of your system on here - calm down.

The money is gone. You have to pay spring term anyway and are you already too late for a term’s notice for summer term? Not that I think you should pull him out anyway - but it doesn’t even make sense on the money.

Firstly, let him fail his mocks - if he even does. It’s a thing. It’s partly why they do mocks! For some kids, it’s what focuses them - that bad result.

You can even “let” him fail his whole exam. You might in the long run find that’s more productive.

Stop talking about “we” are not doing A levels. Next steps are his choice.

He’s had a couple of years in a private school - there’s every chance he’ll get the magic 4 for English Language & Maths. You can get a low pass at GCSE maths with only KS3 knowledge. How has he been doing so far?

I would take the approach of telling that you want him to study and you’re here to help if he wants you to. Separately, ask school how he is performing. Sit back and see that the impact of mocks is. Make sure he knows that private for sixth isn’t financially viable. That might actually be part of the problem - is he surrounded by kids motivated to do well, or they can’t stay on? If he knows he can’t, he won’t have their motivation. There’s a common exit to state at Y12, but not from all schools. Stop talking about GCSEs all the time, and encourage him to look at college courses. Sit back and let him look - don’t hammer home that he needs to pass GCSEs to do those courses - he knows. Let him realise that quietly, don’t back him into a corner. But let him get interested in the KS5 courses.

Separate all his GCSE study stuff and your overstretching your finances from general behaviour management. Like - no to driving him around if he’s not polite. And not washing his clothes for him.

Maray1967 · 30/12/2022 13:40

Mine wasn’t this bad, but has not always worked as hard as he could. If I were you, I would not do anything about school - there are only two terms to go. What I would do is stop paying for additional activities if he doesn’t put some effort in. Neither would he gets lifts or treats.
I would let him learn the hard way, to be honest. I am wholly opposed to helicopter parenting, dragging lazy kids through assessments- I see the consequences as a univ lecturer. Once parents and no doubt school have emphasised the importance of putting some effort in, you have to step back and - in effect - give him the freedom to fail.
He might well get a shock if his mock results are poor. Or it might take him longer to realise what he needs to do - but your understandable frustration is leading you to some pretty extreme suggestions, I think. Unfortunately lazy and rude 15 year olds are very common. Most improve and turn into pleasant young men.

jamoncrumpets · 30/12/2022 13:41

There's still every chance he can pass English and Maths. Honestly the kids I dragged through that KS4 English syllabus and got a pass out of would amaze you.

3WildOnes · 30/12/2022 13:43

fancyacuppatea · 30/12/2022 13:39

^This.

Stop wasting money on an education he isn't using.

Show quote history

You can't move him to a different school when he has two terms left before GCSEs. Different schools follow different exam boards, lots of private schools still take iGCSEs. Plus OP would still be liable for next terms fees. It would be ridiculous to sabotage his GCSEs for the sake of saving one terms fees.

3WildOnes · 30/12/2022 13:45

What grades is he on course to achieve?

Anactor · 30/12/2022 13:46

The real purpose of mocks is to shock the kids into working. Let him fail his mocks. If his angsty teenage rebellion goes so far as to fail his GCSEs, he can retake them at an FE college.

For the rest, it sounds like he’s a perfectly normal obnoxious, rebellious teenager, especially since you say he behaves well with everyone except his parents. He’s picked up on the sacrifices you’ve made for his education and is rebelling by making out he doesn’t care about it.

I think you need a break from him. Try and figure out a way for a family friend or relatives to babysit (without it being blatant that he still needs babysitting) and take a few days holiday. Maybe you have some pets they could be looking after?

ElegantPuma · 30/12/2022 13:46

@Feckthelotofthem I'm a secondary school teacher of 25+ years.

Firstly, your independent school will want a term's notice to remove your son, so will end up paying the spring term fees anyway. They will likely pursue you through the courts if you refuse to pay, as you will have signed a contract. This means he may as well continue going to school, then take his GCSEs in the summer.

IME many Y11 boys don't actually realise that they really do have to take their GCSEs until the end of January. Your son may well have a "come to Jesus" moment after he has tanked the mocks. If he doesn't well, appallingly harsh as it sounds, sometimes children have to fail in order to learn. (I realise that's easier to type than to experience in real life.) All you can do there is support your son when he gets his results in August, and help him to come up with a plan for what to do next.

Testina · 30/12/2022 13:47

I think it’s worth remembering why you moved him to this school.

You seem to be heading down a path of anger of, “we’ve spent £45K life savings for a private school and he’s going to fail his exams” (made up number!)

But you didn’t primarily decide to commit that money to buy him a better education. Sure it was a bonus… but you paid the money to take him away from an environment of bullying. So actually, you have got what you paid for. So make your peace with that.

catsonahottinroof · 30/12/2022 13:47

What does your son want to do? If he's happy at school I'd leave him there - maybe see about him only sitting four or five GCSEs if he is likely to fail most of them but only if he doesn't want to at least give them a go.
If he's really unhappy but keen to do something vocational, at college etc, then maybe you could withdraw him and sit his exams privately - maybe the school would let him back to sit them?
It doesn't sound like he's depressed though if he's still going to lots of extra activities.

hiredandsqueak · 30/12/2022 13:48

Tbf many dc don't revise for GCSEs, only one out of my five did and none of them failed any and all of them got some high grades. Schools do an awful lot of revision in school from the New Year so he will be revising in school regardless. Don't let resentment now ruin the relationship with your son. You have just two more terms of fees and can reassess then.

ArtixLynx · 30/12/2022 13:49

any teachers replying here not going to tell the OP what would happen if they were told a parent was going to pull a child from education and kick them out of home in their GCSE year?

catsonahottinroof · 30/12/2022 13:50

Yes and it's completely normal not to do any schoolwork at home and it doesn't mean he's going to fail all his exams. Also, you should still let him do A levels if he wants to. Some find school much better when you can drop all your most hated subjects.

Original poster
Feckthelotofthem · 30/12/2022 13:51

For those questioning if this is real I can confirm it sadly is. And I didn't 'sign up for this' , if I knew how shit it would be being a parent, I would not have had children and would turn the clock back if I could. Sad but true.

OP posts:
ButterflyOil · 30/12/2022 13:51

Testina · 30/12/2022 13:39

Curious why “making him leave at 16” is an option higher up the list than “stop driving him to his fun activities” 🤣

I’m sympathetic, but having got it out of your system on here - calm down.

The money is gone. You have to pay spring term anyway and are you already too late for a term’s notice for summer term? Not that I think you should pull him out anyway - but it doesn’t even make sense on the money.

Firstly, let him fail his mocks - if he even does. It’s a thing. It’s partly why they do mocks! For some kids, it’s what focuses them - that bad result.

You can even “let” him fail his whole exam. You might in the long run find that’s more productive.

Stop talking about “we” are not doing A levels. Next steps are his choice.

He’s had a couple of years in a private school - there’s every chance he’ll get the magic 4 for English Language & Maths. You can get a low pass at GCSE maths with only KS3 knowledge. How has he been doing so far?

I would take the approach of telling that you want him to study and you’re here to help if he wants you to. Separately, ask school how he is performing. Sit back and see that the impact of mocks is. Make sure he knows that private for sixth isn’t financially viable. That might actually be part of the problem - is he surrounded by kids motivated to do well, or they can’t stay on? If he knows he can’t, he won’t have their motivation. There’s a common exit to state at Y12, but not from all schools. Stop talking about GCSEs all the time, and encourage him to look at college courses. Sit back and let him look - don’t hammer home that he needs to pass GCSEs to do those courses - he knows. Let him realise that quietly, don’t back him into a corner. But let him get interested in the KS5 courses.

Separate all his GCSE study stuff and your overstretching your finances from general behaviour management. Like - no to driving him around if he’s not polite. And not washing his clothes for him.

Fantastic post, think what you suggest here sounds really sensible.

whynotwhatknot · 30/12/2022 13:51

just stop taking him to activities and doing stuff for him-you cant kick him out and stop his education the last year

Shelefttheweb · 30/12/2022 13:52

Given you normally have to give a clear term’s notice and can’t now give notice until term starts which means you cannot give a term’s notice to stop before the summer term, you are out the fees anyway. Make sure you give notice by Easter so you can finish up by the summer.

in terms of exams, our son became obstructive and just played on the computer for weeks. He did pull it together at Easter but we had a big falling out first. In retrospect I think he felt under a lot of stress from the exams and that was coming out in unhelpful ways.

ButterflyOil · 30/12/2022 13:55

Feckthelotofthem · 30/12/2022 13:51

For those questioning if this is real I can confirm it sadly is. And I didn't 'sign up for this' , if I knew how shit it would be being a parent, I would not have had children and would turn the clock back if I could. Sad but true.

So sorry you’re feeling so at the end of your tether. I can understand how the resentment can build and build when you work your ass off and get no consideration or thanks.

How does your husband view things? Is your son your only child?

Do you think you can take a step back and try and read some of the ideas for options that are less nuclear than what you are considering?

UnicornsHaveDadsToo · 30/12/2022 13:58

Jesus Christ. If you're serious with this suggestion for your own flesh and blood child, god knows what you're like to live with. Have you ever considered that you might be the one whose constant self-righteous, nagging, needling, and unwarranted interventions are demotivating and depressing your son? Maybe you should take a look in the mirror for the root cause of the problems.

What kind of a parent would even contemplate fucking up the education and future of their own child, then chucking them on the street?

Have you ever heard of a concept called unconditional love? You should look it up. That's what children should get from their parents. All my children (natural and step-) have that from me and their mother, and have the security that goes with it. They can screw up as much as they like, and I'll still be there for them till my dying breath. That's what a child, especially a teenager, needs more than anything: love, pure, unadulterated, unconditional, unlimited love with a side order of forgiveness.

ArtixLynx · 30/12/2022 14:00

but you did sign up for this, you signed up for it the moment you decided to have a baby... you don't get to just tap out at 16 because you're bored/fed up and he's giving you some grief.

Fuck, i have a disabled 16yo and i'm likely to have to care for him him whole life, and trust me, he is doing exactly the same as your kid RN in regards to his schooling, but i'm not giving up on him, despite the screaming/shouting/school refusal, despite being told he'll fail all his exams, all i'm doing is loving him, supporting him, and taking the time to investigate options to help him towards being independent.

Parenting is HARD, it was never, ever going to be an easy ride, you don't get to bail the first sign of shit hitting the fan. this is where you need to double down on the love/support.

LateAF · 30/12/2022 14:01

I did fuck all for my mocks - but had straightA*s at GCSE. Unlike most A Levels and uni modules, GCSEs are possible to sail through with a little last minute prep. Glad my parents didn’t throw me out for exhibiting common teenage laziness and lack of foresight.

Leave him to it for his GCSEs and support him in applying for free state colleges if he wants to do further education post GCSE. At home though he can start helping with chores. Just give him the WiFi password once he’s done his allocated chore for the day (I.e hoovering daily), and also give him one other house responsibility that is not WiFi dependent but has natural consequences (I.e. stop doing his laundry- if he doesn’t do it, he has nothing to wear).

You can’t get mad at him for not providing a return on your private school investment - that was your choice to send him to school just like it was your choice to have a child. You can no less punish him for failing to appreciate a school that you’re paying for, than punish him for not being thankful he was born.

Original poster
Feckthelotofthem · 30/12/2022 14:01

UnicornsHaveDadsToo - good for you. You win 'Dad of the Year' well done. I'm not you and you are not in my shoes.

OP posts:
Angelil · 30/12/2022 14:03

Find a boarding school that costs a similar amount?

BlueTick · 30/12/2022 14:05

This reply has been withdrawn

The OP has privacy concerns and so we've agreed to take this down.

AChristmasCaro · 30/12/2022 14:06

Feckthelotofthem · 30/12/2022 13:51

For those questioning if this is real I can confirm it sadly is. And I didn't 'sign up for this' , if I knew how shit it would be being a parent, I would not have had children and would turn the clock back if I could. Sad but true.

God, reading this makes me feel sad. How is your mental health generally, op? I’ll be honest, you don’t sound as if you’re in a great place and you’re not making great decisions. Have you discussed anything with the school?

Shelefttheweb · 30/12/2022 14:06

What we found best in the end just to back off completely. No demands - revision or housework wise. Give space and revision resources. It calmed the whole house down and removed quite a bit of stress from us (parents) too as fighting is emotionally draining for everyone. Let him come to us if he wanted anything. But if he messed up - that would just have to be dealt with later.