To take DS out of school for last 2 terms of GCSE year

[Feckthelotofthem]

Have spent life's savings sending DS to small local fee paying school (long story re bullying at other school, he wanted to change schools etc so we did it for last few years of secondary even though a massive stretch for us). He is doing zero work for his mocks which start next week, and also does zero to help at home. Out of home with other people he's brilliant, helpful and makes lots of effort. I'm getting increasingly resentful which is eating me up, that I'm working my arse off on long shifts at work (his Dad works hard in a job he doesn't enjoy too) me and his Dad doing everything at home in terms of house work, cooking etc, and doing lots to help with DS being supportive with studies, taking him to extra curriculum activities he enjoys etc,. It just gets thrown back in our faces. I feel like its coming to a head and I just can't stomach the ingratitude and wasted opportunities he is throwing away any more. Fair enough its his life and all that, but these things are being paid for through our labour and sacrifices not his. I'm thinking of making him move out at 16 which is in a few weeks time, not paying for his GSCEs (we have to pay at his school) and not paying for the school for the rest of this year. I know its not really the answer and it will make everybody unhappy but it feels like we're being taken for mugs and its time for some tough love. Am I being totally unreasonable? What else can I do? (Have already tried talking to school, btw).

Then he'll have to go to college to resit his maths and English if he fails them.
And a Saturday job because you won't be financing his social life.

The shock of failing might do him good

And you also cannot use the life savings bit as a stick to bash him with. He's got a lot of growing up to do - you need to do some reading in teenage brains - most teens go through this awful stage of ingratitude and laziness - everything you say IS going in. All of it.

Why do so many posters here say this is normal teenage behaviour? It absolutely isn't!

OP you know you're being unreasonable, so let's look at this logically: when did the lazy/ bad attitude start? What triggered it? If he's always been like this, then you need to start instilling some manners and routines. If it's hormonal, get him checked out by a doctor. If it's behavioural and recent, get a child psychologist involved.

In the meantime, stop slaving for him at home. Sod the clubs and extras. Sod doing his laundry etc - offer to show him how to, have the stuff at home and let him sort himself out. Same with food, cleaning, anything. Oh, and no one visits him before his room is tidy.

The double attack of actually looking for the root cause and you letting go of some of the resentment by not being "Cinderalla", as you put it, may be enough to see a change. If not, there are more drastic options, but none of them involve you taking his chance of having a decent education away - which, by the way, is your legal responsibility anyway.

It’s unsurprising that a state school would refuse a place to a student in Year 11. It will (probably) adversely affect their results, aside from trying to slot in a person who has mostly finished the GCSE curriculum. The subjects might not be available, the syllabus different etc.

If you think he’s going to fail, rather than getting stressed and anxious about it, leave him be and let him fail. It might occur to him then that he needs to put in some effort. Is there a college he can go to post 16? He doesn’t have to do A levels; a practical course might be better.

In the meantime, if you can stop feeling so frustrated with him, you might feel less angry. You can’t force him to do school work and you can’t force him to help around the house, but you can decide that you won’t pay for things, chauffeur him, pick up and clean for him or wash his clothes. It’ll be hard, but being so angry and resentful all the time isn’t good for your mental or physical health.

This can't be real.

What is all this 'slaving like Cinderella' you do? For one teenage kid? Let him lie on his bed, it's not the end of the world and infinitely preferable to many other activities teens can get up to. Him not discussing Macbeth with you is fine. Few kids would be thrilled to do that. It sounds like he's good in other ways.

Bonkers to go from privately educating your bullied pfb to pulling him out of GCSEs and putting him out on the street. Keep paying and get him through his GCSEs and have a better plan for beyond that than no A-levels/kicking him out. Basically, be the grown up and parent him like you signed up for. He signed up for none of this and is doing his best and not doing too badly.

Get him through gcse's but cancel all the extra curricular you pay for,legally you are responsible for him until he is 18,so provide nutritious food,basic clothing and a bed to sleep,any luxuries,extras he wants he has to go out and earn money for or pull his weight at home,then if nothing improves at 18 then it would be reasonable to ask him to look elsewhere.

@TeenDivided has the best approach, do what you can now then state sixth form or work from September.

he may well still do alright, way back in the 80s/90s plenty of us still did really well without much effort at all. I got an A in a rigorous a level subject despite only 75% attendence, and I had a friend who got a B in literature gcse just by reading York notes the night before.

Teens can be so hard. Unfortunately you have to grit your teeth and support them even when they're being arses. Get him through to the summer and then have a think together about the best next steps.

One of my nephews was similar. GCSEs taken in the private sector, didn't do well. Transferred to state for 6th form and did worse, due to a complete lack of effort. Failed his A levels. Got a minimum wage job, and realised when his mates all went away to uni that he'd messed up. Back to college on a different course, then uni, and now of all things is a teacher.

His parents couldn't force him to mature and pull his finger out, but them being there in the background helped him get there eventually.

surely you have to give a terms notice for private school? So you would have signed an agreement with the school?

At 16 it is your responsibility to find education for your son, so would you put him into local comprehensive school to do his exams?

The private school may well think you have finical problems and offer a bursary to your son for his last two terms

It is pretty normal @ThrallsWife

I know MN is full of teenage boys who unload the dishwasher before school, go on long family walks at the weekend and who are planning their law career but I don't know any like that.

I know some who are experimenting with drink and drugs and sex and staying out late or spending too long playing computer games.

But the vast majority of them are like the OP's. Not all bad or all good. But just teenagers.

I actually doubt that he will do that badly in his exams.

I've nannied privately educated kids for well over 20 years.

Trust me. If he was bringing the school down with bad grades struggling with his subjects, you would know about it.

I can see how frustrated you are but it's just 2 more terms - if they even do all of the second term after the exams are done.

He also needs a chance to do his exams, although I can't believe you also have to pay exam entry fees on top of the school fees - wow!

He legally needs to be in school or be home educated and I don't think you'd want the home ed option.

Perhaps college or am apprenticeship after GCSEs would be a better environment for him.

I do know how you feel though OP. I have a teenager with SEN who makes no effort at all, despite a lot of help being offered. It's incredibly frustrating watching opportunities left to slip by. She is extremely immature for her age. Probably at least 5 years behind emotionally.

I tell myself (a lot) that education doesn't have to stop at 16 or 18. If my DD shows more effort and maturity when she'd older, there will be opportunities to try for GCSEs again. The same would apply for your DS if you wanted.

As someone who has worked with teens for 2 decades and who has a teen at home (with plenty of teen friends over) I beg to differ. It's not normal to just do nothing. The very vast majority pull their fingers out when it counts. The behaviour the OP describes is NOT normal.

DS did no work and tanked his mocks, then started making an effort and did brilliantly in the actual exams. It’s a common pattern.

You sound very frustrated but you need to get a grip. Of course you can’t do the things you propose. Talk to the school about him moving for sixth form and get their advice. Get him signed up at a local college if you no longer want to pay the fees. Simply leaving education isn’t an option these days. Have a bit of faith in the future and proceed on the basis that he’ll do ok and probably go on to do A levels, or talk to him about other options (he can’t just get a job- he needs to be in education until 18). Some kids really flourish in a normal 6th form college after fighting against a high pressure private school- reducing external motivators lets them develop internal motivation.

Don’t even contemplate kicking him out- am assuming this is just you venting and not a real plan.

I completely understand your frustration but this is where you have to woman up and keep parenting him. You will regret it forever if you give up on him now.

In 2 decades you didn’t encounter a kid who didn’t revise for mocks?

Yeah too early for tough love. I have a similar situation with A levels and am pulling the plug at 18 once A levels done. You have to give them the chance to either fail, and feel the consequences, or surprise everyone and do better than expected at GCSE level imo. Only 2 more terms and the GCSEs are not extortionate? from memory.

Alos, lots do way better in June than in the mocks after the humiliation of poor mock results.

Back into state secondary he would go. Immediately.

And tell him to get a part time job for some structure.

Surely you quit all of his extra curricular activities and move him immediately to a comprehensive to do his GCSEs?

You have one kid that you seem to resent looking after in any way. Practically, financially, emotionally...
You chose to spend your savings on this. You need to parent your kid.

I didn't encounter a kid who did nothing in school or at home at all despite invested parents, no.

Most try their best.

I encountered plenty who hated my subject and did not revise for that, but revised for those that they were passionate about.

I encountered plenty who did nothing for school but were active around the home, often out of necessity.

I encountered a few who did nothing at home or in school, but where the parents didn't give two fucks.

If there are invested parents and the child behaves like that, something is wrong.

Wow, you sound horrible. Poor kid

He is an immature teen you are the adult. So adult!.

He will grow up I am not sure you will. He needs to be supported, bribed, cajoled to complete the GCSE and if able onto A levels hoping he matures in the meantime. Keeping him in education ensures he has a hope of becoming a productive adult.

You brought him into the world, you can't just quit on him.

^This.

Stop wasting money on an education he isn't using.