To take DS out of school for last 2 terms of GCSE year

[Feckthelotofthem]

Have spent life's savings sending DS to small local fee paying school (long story re bullying at other school, he wanted to change schools etc so we did it for last few years of secondary even though a massive stretch for us). He is doing zero work for his mocks which start next week, and also does zero to help at home. Out of home with other people he's brilliant, helpful and makes lots of effort. I'm getting increasingly resentful which is eating me up, that I'm working my arse off on long shifts at work (his Dad works hard in a job he doesn't enjoy too) me and his Dad doing everything at home in terms of house work, cooking etc, and doing lots to help with DS being supportive with studies, taking him to extra curriculum activities he enjoys etc,. It just gets thrown back in our faces. I feel like its coming to a head and I just can't stomach the ingratitude and wasted opportunities he is throwing away any more. Fair enough its his life and all that, but these things are being paid for through our labour and sacrifices not his. I'm thinking of making him move out at 16 which is in a few weeks time, not paying for his GSCEs (we have to pay at his school) and not paying for the school for the rest of this year. I know its not really the answer and it will make everybody unhappy but it feels like we're being taken for mugs and its time for some tough love. Am I being totally unreasonable? What else can I do? (Have already tried talking to school, btw).

They do have to find him a place.

An unwilling school can be forced (under FAP) to take on additional pupil, even if full, if the DC is entitled to a place. And the LEA has to come up with a place within a reasonable time of the application. As the DC would otherwise not be in education, that should be within 3 weeks or so. The school won't like it, but LEA has a duty to find a place.

Carrot and stick don’t work for 16 year olds doing GCSEs, because the drive to work has to be internal, not external.

It seems that paying the school fees is causing too much strain on the family, so maybe you wouldn’t make the same decision with the benefit of hindsight, but what is done is done, so you and he are better off sticking with it for the next 6 months, if financially possible.

But you probably know that already.

Sit with him and maybe do more interactive revision with him.
Quizzes etc.
45 min slots.
Watching Macbeth won't really help. Learn quotes and analysis instead.
Write then cards and test.

Watch maths videos. Math genie and do topics.
Free GCSE science website and then do lots of questions.

Small portions and then let him relax.

I think you are massively over-reacting. I'm a teacher (A Level) and, although very frustrating, it's very common for teenagers to revise very little for mocks (and sometimes final exams too). Many will still do OK because we do loads of revision in schools/colleges with them. We don't just teach the course then leave them to it.
Maybe you would be happier if he had a part time job and paid for his own phone/clothes etc. Perhaps encouraging that would be good for you and him, rather than driving yourself wild about revision if he isn't doing it.

I’ve been in your situation OP. DS at a smallish private school - he has dyslexia and dyspraxia and it was the best school for him - our local state provision is dire.

DS drove me mad with his apparent lack of effort and I thought of moving him many times, but the reality was that we made the choice to send him and had to live with the situation.

In the end he turned it around with great GCSE results and A-Levels look promising. Please don’t give up on him, the teenage years are tough and we all have challenges - I honestly don’t believe anyone who tells me that their teen is perfect.

Some of the suggestions on here to remove phones, restrict Wi-Fi, stop allowance will only escalate the situation - he’s not a toddler. I had to step back, remove the pressure and hope that DS came to his senses. I actually quite enjoy his company now, which is not something I could say at 15.

@meditrina back in the real world though, that just doesn’t happen in 3 weeks.
And even if it did… 3 weeks is actually more than 10% of his remaining school time. Even if you don’t count state school early finish for Y11 after exams.
It’s just a non starter for that poster to blithely say, “the LA will find him a place”.

They will. Probably not in 3 weeks. And if and when they do it will quite possibly be a difficult commute, low achieving school that doesn’t follow the same GCSE syllabus. When the LEA follow their obligations, finding a school that does Edexcel history not AQA is really not going to be their priority. This is what I mean by @Murdoch1949 not understanding the in year transfer process. It’s really not as simple as you suggest.

JudgeJ · Yesterday 16:12

Lots of support for the lazy, ungrateful brat here. It isn't his parents' fault he is tanking his exams, he is choosing to do so. The little green monster is running around, I get the impression that some posters are enjoying the Schadenfreude of a student at an independent school choosing to fail.”

Nonsense. Ours attended independents. OP is completely unreasonable. Lots of kids don’t study for mocks. The results are what make them crack on and study for the actual exams.

Poor kid.

I feel for you. My son is also a particularly dickish teen to us but lovely elsewhere.

Let him catastrophically fail his mocks and then see how he reacts. I am a teacher and kids mature at different rates - kids who tank their mocks often do enough to scrape decent enough GCSEs.

Average GCSEs and a good school are often enough to get onto a lot of further education courses once he has matured.

If you move his school, he will always blame you for his failures in life. Keep him their and the narrative is you have him all the tools to succeed. Don't give him a stick to beat you.

*there

Yes, I know it may well take longer

And that it won't make the syllabuses match (though I hope LA, in activating FAP would look at best match of subjects/syllabuses as part of selecting which school to go for - but in reality it'll probably be the undersubscribed school with reasonable journey time (up to about an hour))

And of course none of that is allowing for time to settle and literally find way round the new school, where one hopes the other pupils will be nice to him, but where he'll have no friends.

@Grobblydog I loved your post. Thank you for sharing your story here and I hope your son continues to do well and well done x

Bonkers advice. I assume you don't actually have a child of this age? All DC has actually done is not revise for mocks. Maybe wait and see how he does in them first?

My extremely studious DD was not working 3 hours every night from January of Year 11. He will burn out if that is imposed. And he will struggle to do very much at all if the WIFI is switched off.

As others have said, if OP leaves it till half term she will be too late to give notice for this term and won't save a single penny.

The LA may have to find him a place, but it won't be straight away and it's highly unlikely syllabuses will match so he will be sitting and having to revise by himself in most subjects (and if he hasn't finished syllabuses, he'll have to self study to the end). Why on earth would OP do this rather than leaving him in school where he'd at least have to sit through completion of course and any of the revision work they do there?

I agree with @redskydelight . My 12 A stars DD1 mentioned earlier in the thread definitely didn't do 3 hours' revision per night. She carried on her dancing lessons and music groups throughout her GCSE year (and for most of her A levels too).

As I stated yesterday, you are pretty much stuck with paying for the next 2 terms. See what the mocks results are and give notice anyway. Use the time to suggest your DS looks at courses to take post-16. Drop the rope; you are way too invested in micro-managing him and he knows it.

Thankyou @3luckystars - that’s very very kind of you. 😊

I don't think your DD's achievements are relevant here @Malbecfan. Your not so stealthy boast about her GCSEs just indicates that she is extremely bright.

It was your choice to send him to a fee paying school, if you couldn't afford it you shouldn't have done it. Teenagers aren't the best at being grateful at the best of times.

To threaten to take him out of school I imagine would be massively contra productive, he will hate you and will probably fail his GCSEs 🤷‍♀️

He will thank you one day but you're expectations for gratitude now are unrealistic imo.

FGS taking a stroppy teenager out school in the most important remaining terms of his secondary education is downright mean and negligent.

You don't get to squander his life chances now with his GCSEs even if he is difficult at home. If he fucks them up then that's on him but you don't need to add to the mess.

You do realise don't you that his behaviour isn't suddenly going to improve if you take him out of school? In fact it's likely to get (far) worse as he'll use your actions against you for years to come and quite rightly will blame you for all the consequences.

If you fancy driving a permanent wedge between you and your child then crack right on.

It sounds frustrating. Y 11 boys can be feckless, ungrateful pests. It does sound like you have done a good job as his fundamental character sounds nice and he can communicate. If it's any consolation, there will be lots of boys his age who have done no revision and don't really care. Could he secretly be feeling the pressure?
You just need to suck up the frustration and finish what you started and keep going. You are also very likely to be liable for fees anyway even if you pulled him out.
It sounds also as if you are feeling unhappy with where parenting leaves you at this particular point in life? You have been going a long time and the end is not yet in sight! Maybe do some self evaluation and make some plans to find some new ways to make you feel.more like you. I can relate as one of my children just makes me feel like a horrible person much of the time! I'm working hard to make sure that I have moments to give myself a chance to stop being a moany mum. It's hard though and I feel for you.

Thought I would return with an update.

Thanks for the responses, many with useful practical tips. Me (and DH as I shared with him) have read them all. I've had a hard think and released I was being very unreasonable making those threats to DS - even though I could strangle him of course. We've had a family chat and passed it over to DS re what he does/doesn't do re revision over next few months and assured him we won't take him out of school. Did of course remind him we'd like him to do his best, and implications if he does no work re his final grades etc. and keeping his own short/medium term options open by not goofing up his exams. Offered support to help him as much as we can but otherwise DH and I are going to 'sit on our hands' re daily castigating him for doing k all school work most of the time. We can't make him do it is the bottom line, painful though that is to see him squandering chances but so be it.
Thanks for helping me realise I was being a twt Mumsnett x

Hi there @Feckthelotofthem
thanks for the update and I could hug you☺️
good for you in having a rethink, and that’s brilliant that you’re going to carry on supporting but also zipping it! We’re all impatient tw**s who make mistakes some of the time, so don’t be too hard on yourself in future. Good luck and take care.

Nice update, don't be too hard on him, he might surprise you re his exams anyway.

yeah, you would be massively unreasonable to do that.

It's not his fault you chose to send him to a school you can't really afford. That's something seperate to his attitude, so it's unfair to him to punish him for that by even giving him the chance to sit them.

Is this usual for him? My DH failed every single GCSE, turned out he was dyslexic and it had been missed his entire life. He later did an access to uni course, then a degree and is now doing an MBA. There is much to life after 16, so perhaps don't burn all your bridges with your DS now.

@Feckthelotofthem well done for listening after your rant, and I think you've done the right thing. you did come in for a lot of flak and took it well.

Great update and best of luck to your DS. DS2 has his mocks this week and I am hoping that will give him a bit of a nudge. He has a habit of focussing on the subjects he likes rather than the one's that need revision.

Well done OP. You will find life a lot less stressful in your house without feeling you need to push him all the time. If he doesn’t respond and fails everything then that is a problem for another day.