To take DS out of school for last 2 terms of GCSE year

[Feckthelotofthem]

Have spent life's savings sending DS to small local fee paying school (long story re bullying at other school, he wanted to change schools etc so we did it for last few years of secondary even though a massive stretch for us). He is doing zero work for his mocks which start next week, and also does zero to help at home. Out of home with other people he's brilliant, helpful and makes lots of effort. I'm getting increasingly resentful which is eating me up, that I'm working my arse off on long shifts at work (his Dad works hard in a job he doesn't enjoy too) me and his Dad doing everything at home in terms of house work, cooking etc, and doing lots to help with DS being supportive with studies, taking him to extra curriculum activities he enjoys etc,. It just gets thrown back in our faces. I feel like its coming to a head and I just can't stomach the ingratitude and wasted opportunities he is throwing away any more. Fair enough its his life and all that, but these things are being paid for through our labour and sacrifices not his. I'm thinking of making him move out at 16 which is in a few weeks time, not paying for his GSCEs (we have to pay at his school) and not paying for the school for the rest of this year. I know its not really the answer and it will make everybody unhappy but it feels like we're being taken for mugs and its time for some tough love. Am I being totally unreasonable? What else can I do? (Have already tried talking to school, btw).

@UnicornsHaveDadsToo unconditional love is one thing. Unconditional support in the lifestyle of your choice all financed by the bank of ever-loving mummy and daddy is another.

OP what you do is pay for the next two terms of schooling. Leave your ds to study not study as he sees fit. No pocket money, he can earn it. And in July its big boy time. That means he works, pay a nominal rent and no more dossing around at school/college and pretending he's a student.

Sounds like you really don’t like him much. He will have picked up on that, and is responding accordingly. It fucks you up to know that you are a disappointment to your parents and they wish they never had you.

Do you love him?

Just give him the WiFi password once he’s done his allocated chore for the day

internet access will be needed to revise

Being rejected by your parents because you haven’t fitted into the perfect little box that they had planned for you - that’s extremely damaging for a child. And he is a child.

What have school said about his attitude to learning there, predicted grades etc?

If they are unconcerned then it may be your expectations that need checking.

Your poor kid

Keep him in school to take his mocks and GCSEs. Because leaving school with nothing would be a total waste of all the effort and sacrifice you and DH put in.

Even if he flunks mocks, (I did) don;t assume he'll fail GCSE (I didn't) .

IME the most annoying teens can surprise everybody at the last minute by pulling it out of the hat... just another act of defiance.

It sounds like you need to reinvest some energy in yourself. If you're feeling resentful, it's likely because you're feeling trapped (and it does sound like you are). I'd be cutting back on a few hours at work for a start if that's possible - you can save money by not paying for any of his luxuries and use the extra time to do things YOU want to do. Or just do nothing...

Others have pointed out he needs to be in education or training til 18 - let him do an apprenticeship for peanuts if he fails his exams.

I'd be making him do his own washing too...and stop buying the food he likes. In short, do as little as possible apart from stuff you are responsible for - like paying for school and putting a roof over his head. tell him you'll make more effort when he does.

It's an awful age and I do understand where you're at. But, if you let them loose at 16, he'll be 30 before he gets his shit together if he ever manages to at all. I know many adults who were left to fend for themselves too young, and it rarely works out well for them.

I went above and beyond for DD3, including homeschooling for 2 years when I still had younger kids to take care of, and she messed her life up in a big way. She's 27 now and in the final year of a law degree, so don't lose heart. It was the home ed that ended up being her saving grace because it changed her attitude to study. It just took a bit longer than I realised for her to get the benefit of the effort I put in.

I'd have happily sent all of mine to a Mexican BootCamp from the ages of 14-17 given half a chance. It's not easy parenting teens.

He wouldn't be getting any pocket money/allowance.
He'd have to pay for his own phone.
He'd have limited internet access - school work and revision only.
He'd be grounded until after the exams.

What did you expect parenting would be? It sounds like you had a vision of happy, compliant, chocolate box children without minds or difficulties of their own, and I wonder how this attitude has fed into the current situation.

What you describe is not at all unusual and I hate to think how you’d cope with a really unruly or aggressive child. Things won’t get better while you hold this obvious resentment for your own child.

Social services won’t take him into care, the threshold for this is high. They’ll expect you to step up and parent your child.

He also won’t be able to hold a tenancy until he’s 18 and even then is likely to need a guarantor.

You need to work on your own parenting and coping skills.

Quinn is right.
He needs to learn how to cook and do his own cleaning and laundry.

@Feckthelotofthem are you aware that schools pick from a number of different exam boards for GCSEs? I’m sorry if that sounds patronising but I’ve come across parents who have no idea - my friend just bought a load of GCSE guides and had no idea what I was talking about when I said, “you know that’s AQA maths and they’re OCR, right?”

So your idea of switching to a state school - which is a on starter anyway - isn’t going to result in a better GCSE result. Chances are they’ve been studying a different syllabus!

I do love him immensely (so does his Dad). I also like him very much (when he's not being a dick). He's a great young person in lots of ways and there is loads about him I admire and am proud of. I have always tried my best to be a loving and supportive Mum, I have put a lot into parenting, not just chucked money at a school and left him to it, far from it. Despite how it sounds on here we have a good relationship and do talk lots. But I hate what being parent has made me, its changed my whole personality and made me a resentful bitter shadow of my former self. I now feel like a total mug. This is not a new thing, we have had challenges with him for years. We HAVE attended parenting courses for those suggesting it. We do have one other younger DC and it is very different with them.

We all have passing moments like this. But if you feel this way a lot, and given the general stress you seem under with work etc, it might be worth speaking to your GP about depression/continuous low mood. If you are mentally finding things hard then you won’t feel be very resilient to the challenges you son presents.

I hate what being parent has made me, its changed my whole personality and made me a resentful bitter shadow of my former self

This is what you need to be working on, without putting the blame at the door of your child.

He is annoying and thoughtless like lots of teens.

He can only see the short term at the moment….but to be honest it sounds a if you’re the same. This is a phase and his whole life won’t be defined by it. You need to remember too that lots of teen are lazy shits who are thoughtless and far worse. Many of those pull it together after mocks, or after poor GCSEs or in their 20s. They aren’t all mature, studious and far sighted at 16.

So your reaction is actually pretty teenage too. You also need to take the longer view.

And with regards to paying for education……it is always your choice and not the child’s and can never be dependent on certain effort levels or attainment, within the phase they are in. You must finish GCSEs where he is. If it’s too expensive and too much sacrifice….we’ll you bear the burden of your choice.

you can consider 6th Form options and can move him then if you want to. Personally, making whether you continue to pay or not dependent on results seems poor parenting to me. We do have to accept our kids will sometimes make poor choices and be very careful about how and if we ‘punish’ them….personally I wouldn’t use type of school as the ‘stick’ but would look first at other activities if you think a stick will work and be the best way.

I’d think again about how much domestic stuff you need from him. It’s good for teens to make some contribution but just because you’re dressed and tired, don’t expect too much. But if he has clear expectations laid out (unload dishwasher, put laundry away?) and fails to meet those, don’t withhold FCSEs and school, but extra curriculars/ leisure time gaming etc
With study, there’s a limit to what you can insist on or influence. If he’s determined to do little or nothing, you can’t force him to work and the outcomes will be disappointing but his. It doesn’t mean his life will be ruined.

I have known teens like this and their parents. More than one battled for years and tried multiple carrots and sticks to no avail. In the end more than one decided they weee close to destroying the relationship with their son and feared him leaving home not to return. Rightly I think, they decided A Leveks weee less important than the relationship. They eased off, accepted the A Leveks would be disappointing and made sure they supported him but gave him some freedom and the relationship survived. He needed some space. And when he did do poorly, they let him take a crap job, live at home and then a couple of years later do the exams again and then go to Uni. It took an extra 3 years for him, but many years on now, he has a successful career, relationship and strong relationship with his parents too. It’s not just about right now and the exams are not the be all and end all they feel like. Step back and get some perspective and remember you love him.

How helpful is that to an OP at the end of her tether?

I think you'll have to see this through until the end of the school year for all the reasons given. He can then get an apprenticeship / enrol in 6th form college or retake his Maths and English if necessary as some form of education and training is mandatory until he's 18.

It must be hard - good luck.

Personally, I don’t think this should be tied to revision. Whether he revises or not should be completely up to him. The time to teach him to work in stages was primary school- now at this age taking his password for something as open ended as revision would just be demotivating punishment and not conducive to the calm atmosphere needed to revise.

Chores however are self contained and important for being a functioning member of a household. So it’s an easy win for her son to do a chore in order to get the WiFi password, and it’s also motivating. I think OP should separate her son’s lack of education diligence from his household laziness. The former is her son’s prerogative and only affects him, while the latter affects everyone and therefore is within OPs remit.

A pity you did not take him out of the fee paying school and make him go to a local state school in September, but what is done is done.

It is time for tough love, certainly in the summer if not now.

Sorry I see what you mean. He’s not revising anyway so it won’t affect his revision. If he has a change of heart about revision and suddenly wants to revise, he’ll do the chore needed to get the internet access needed to revise. I’m sure he can also revise without the internet - CGP books and otherwise are brilliant for that.

LlynTegid "A pity you did not take him out of the fee paying school and make him go to a local state school in September, but what is done is done."
I DID contact them months ago - in the summer term of year 10 - and they said they were full for year 11.

Teenagers are shit-heads. We all know that.

But an adult deliberately making the decision to ruin his GCSEs under the guise of "teaching him a lesson"? That's SUPER SHITTY.

I hope you're just venting, and not seriously considering this.

@Feckthelotofthem I think very few of the posters here have been in your situation. I have. You cannot make a difficult 16 year old do anything very much let alone study. I’m internally laughing at the notion of ‘making them do their own laundry/ dishwasher/ scrub the doorstep.

It does sound as if you still have some good stuff in your relationship which is great news. Use that time ( in the car is good) to talk about them- what is going well, what they are looking forward to or enjoying.

It also sounds as if he’s attending school regularly and presumably you have some regular updates and communication with them? I would consider emailing his tutor and asking for a meeting with all of you to figure out a way to move forward in the most positive way possible. Perhaps he’d be more able to complete work at school than at home. There may be other suggestions or support the school can offer. He won’t be the first or last to be this way.

In the case of my DS he actually did far better than I expected based on what I saw at home. He actually excelled at sixth form because he was doing the subjects he liked and was treated as an adult. I still didn’t see him doing any work.

Of course you feel sad, angry and disappointed that he’s wasting this opportunity but you can’t pull him out now. Just support him in doing as well as he can for now.

I actually came to see much later that my DS almost certainly has some form of ADHD. He has been slow to mature and is still absolutely infuriating in many ways but he’s kind, empathetic and a good partner to his DF and I can honestly say I never could have believed that could happen.

Hang on in there.

Ok, I'm glad you love him, OP, despite how unlovable they can be at that age.

For your own good, you've got to keep fighting for him. A friend of mine has a now-adult son who is a drug-addict and her life is hell, even though he no longer lives with her. You cannot turn back the clock and undo your pregnancy. You cannot stop loving him and suffering if he suffers