To take DS out of school for last 2 terms of GCSE year

[Feckthelotofthem]

Have spent life's savings sending DS to small local fee paying school (long story re bullying at other school, he wanted to change schools etc so we did it for last few years of secondary even though a massive stretch for us). He is doing zero work for his mocks which start next week, and also does zero to help at home. Out of home with other people he's brilliant, helpful and makes lots of effort. I'm getting increasingly resentful which is eating me up, that I'm working my arse off on long shifts at work (his Dad works hard in a job he doesn't enjoy too) me and his Dad doing everything at home in terms of house work, cooking etc, and doing lots to help with DS being supportive with studies, taking him to extra curriculum activities he enjoys etc,. It just gets thrown back in our faces. I feel like its coming to a head and I just can't stomach the ingratitude and wasted opportunities he is throwing away any more. Fair enough its his life and all that, but these things are being paid for through our labour and sacrifices not his. I'm thinking of making him move out at 16 which is in a few weeks time, not paying for his GSCEs (we have to pay at his school) and not paying for the school for the rest of this year. I know its not really the answer and it will make everybody unhappy but it feels like we're being taken for mugs and its time for some tough love. Am I being totally unreasonable? What else can I do? (Have already tried talking to school, btw).

This.

Teenagers are hard, hard work. I'm no angel, I tell mine when they're pissing me off, but I also listen to them and communicate well. Your proposal would ruin his life and you'd lose your son. Throwing him out at 16- who does that?! Way to fuck up a child.

It'll sound really great when he’s at a job interview and they ask why he doesn't have any GCSEs and he replies "I went to a fee paying school and my mum refused to pay for the exams"

You know deep down you can't do that.

Your choice to send him to a fee paying school.
Stick it out til the end of year 11, let him do his GCSEs then let him go to a local college where he can get an apprenticeship if his grades are low and earn some money at the same time.

I very much doubt a school would take him on now, it's very late in the day. There are complication around schools and different exam boards, coursework requirements. Plus expecting your son to settle with a peer group he won't know at all. The only thing I can see then is a breakdown of your relationship with him, a very depressed 16 year old and you having to pick up the pieces of poor grades, poor mental health and no support.

You chose to send him to private school when you knew you couldn't really afford to - don't make that his problem.

Of course you need to address his poor behaviour at home, but you don't do that by throwing him out and kicking him out of school 🙄

You will have to give a terms notice and probably missed the deadline for the spring term so take away his stuff, his phone, his x box write a list of jobs and tell him to do them or go.

start small eg I want you to put the bins out, clean the dog bowls and put the washing on.
else no lunch no dinner etc

rights come with responsibilities

but I guess you pay for his phone

traumatic and dramatic but I once knew a parent who literally cleared out his room except for his bed and school work and pens etc and took the door off (he was smoking in his room) phone went and everything. Everything got earnt back. But it was no arguing, here are your jobs else when we leave for work you are dropped at school but that it no EC etc

7 years later he is a normal adult and pleasant.

You need to take the pressure off. Once you’re pressuring, more pressure only makes it worse.

He can’t meet the expectations you’re putting on him, for whatever the reason. Pressure isn’t working. He’s 16. He needs you to encourage him to swim, not shout at him for drowning.

I think it would be utterly wrong of you to fuck up his GCSEs for him.

For what - the saving of one term's fees plus exam fees (it won't be two terms, unless you gave notice a whole term ago ie before the September start)

He won't be able to find somewhere to live, as u18s can't sign binding contracts, so you'd be footing the bill (directly or as guarantor) or there would need to be significant Social Services involvement to find him a placement. And heaven only knows what they'd make of a choice to scupper his exams.

Think again.

He has to remain in education, training or employment with a training component until 18. What is he going to do?

Make sure you give notice to the private school now that the won't be continuing there for 6th form.

Apply to state school/6th form colleges - doesn't have to be final choice, but it gives an option.

Work with him to apply for apprenticeships (might be too late for many, but you won't know until you try)

Go to military recruiting offices - u18s cannot be sent on active operations, and the military is the largest provider of adult training and education in the UK.

OP, I left home at 16, with no GCSEs, after my mother took me at my word on a lot of 'go on then' teenage guff. Our relationship never recovered, we were no contact for years, and my life took some strange paths as a result. I'd give anything to take that back. I did ok in the end I think, I was very lucky and there were some social safety nets that allowed me to get back on my feet, get an education and earn a living. I say this kindly but please believe me, those safety nets do not exist anymore. You are your child's best and only protector and advocate. Don't turn your back on him.

You'd have to pay for this term now anyway, so just who woukd you be punishing? By all means look for an alternative for post 16 but don't sabotage his chances at gcse now. Lots of kids don't make much effort for mocks but do by June.

I suggest you read up on the development of teenage brains, OP. And then book yourself onto a parenting course.

raisingchildren.net.au/pre-teens/development/understanding-your-pre-teen/brain-development-teens

Where would he move to at 16 ? I have a 16 year old son too I'm not expecting him to get great grades as he's not academic but I'm hoping he might get some grade 4,s ,there are other options post 16 ,Alevels are not the be al! And end all .

I've paid privately for GCSEs. I've taken her out of school as she said she couldn't bear to be there. I've paid privately for A levels. I've subscribed to online schools so she could study from her bed if needs be. I've arranged tutoring. I've trekked the country looking at unis and smiled and nodded as she changed her mind about degree courses every other day. Locked myself in the bathroom and cried many times too, worrying about her future. (But never contemplated chucking her out.)
Made no difference. She fucked up her A levels, didn't go to uni, got the sort of job her grandma would have frowned at and now, at 21, earns more than I do, has a better car, better holidays and is happy as Larry, putting £1k a month away for her house deposit.
We have a great relationship and I think that's because I never gave up on her. "Never mind, there's more than one way to skin a cat" was my motto for years (apols cat-lovers). Sorry, but the money is sunk costs. Best forgotten about. Lots of talk about the future. Lots of options mentioned, but don't turn it into a laying down of the law. A bit of 'let's get through the next six months and see where we are'. Because really that's all you can do, hope for the best with GCSEs and hope that his results help him work out the next bit of the path.
I think you just have to keep on keeping on.

I hope this isn't a serious thread. I've just listened to DS1 and DS2 which subjects DS2 can not bother revising for for his GCSEs like DS1 did. DS1 did well enough to get into the 6th Form to do the A levels he wanted and was happier at A level because he liked the subjects.
DS2 will do well in some subjects and less well in others (dyslexia) but as long as he gets through to 6th Form I will live with it.
If your DS's private school is anything like the one my DC attend(ed) then they do quite a lot of revision in class and after the mocks most lessons will be full on GCSE revision. So I wouldn't automatically assume he is going to tank his GCSEs.

Stop expecting your DS to be grateful for your choice to send him private. I have sent mine private for their entire schooling because it was what I wanted to do. It was my choice as a parent and I have always been clear with the DC that they don't owe me anything. I did it because it was an opportunity I wanted to give to them - if they chose not to take that opportunity then that is on them and they will have to live with the consequences.

What does your DS want to do after GCSE? DS2 wants to study STEM like his brother so it's been easier to get him to focus on doing well in STEM GCSEs as they are needed for A level and agree that he does enough in the others to get into 6th Form. I did the same with DS1 who is now in a good uni doing a STEM course.

If he does not care about his education, I would not waste money on it. Send him to a free school.

You just have to offer your support and stand by, painful as it is to watch… (perhaps try to find something… like a sport, that can help you get out of the situation and burn off some of your understandable frustration).

if he fails his GCSEs, hopefully he will be regretful and start making an effort to sort out his life himself later… not everyone shines at this point.

If you kick him out, and he fails, he will resent you, perhaps for the rest of his life…

TBH… you sound a little bit controlling, like the way you talk about deciding he doesn’t do A levels. It’s an understandable response in the circumstances, but it may not be helpful. He may need space to realise what he wants to do and then work out how to achieve it…

He may surprise you. My DS was being a lazy little toad for his A levels but pulled it out the bag in the last 8 weeks.

I think perhaps you need to take a step back & calm down a bit first. In the end you can lead a horse to water and all that. Instead of telling him what to do, ask him what he wants / needs and how you can best support him. Sometimes listening over nagging works wonders. Offer to help. All the time you are threatening him with consequences he can use his energy in pushing back / being resentful. Maybe he is scared of failing - sometimes this doesn't result in hard work but denial / avoidance. If you aren't approachable and he can't trust you, you aren't going to find out what is going on.

A fee paying school should have someone who can help him organise his time and revision if he's struggling with that. DD had someone sit down with her, go through all her extra commitments and work out a revision plan. (She's in the same year with nicks coming up).

If he doesn't end up doing super well, at least you can say you tried your best. They are HIS GCSEs of course. He will live with his results, not you. In the end it is up to him - no-one can do it for him. Chucking him out of his home at 15/16 doesn't really sound like the optimal solution.

OP I'm sorry for you, really. It's clear you are so angry - but it's not clear why.

Sending him to an expensive private school was your choice.

He is not responsible for your work life or your finances - you are.

Fair enough, he's being a teenage git - that's pretty common.

Cancelling his GCSEs and making him homeless is absolutely nuclear. It would, in my opinion, make you a very bad mother if you exploded your kid's life in this way.

It honestly seems to me that your problem is not your son, but the strength of your rage. You seem to feel that you're being abused by him, but (at least from what you've written) this isn't true.

I'd recommend you speak to your GP about accessing some talking therapies to discuss your feelings and manage your stress levels.

Please give your son a break, he's just a hormonal child. Let him sit his mocks and his real exams and then see what free-to-access options are available then.

Wish you all the best.

My DS went to a private school a lot left after GCSE did a level in the state sector. I would calmly tell him that's what is happening and walk away.

I would let him do his mocks and get the crap grades, might shake him up to start revising for the real exams. It's so late to pull him out of school, usually you have to give a terms notice anyway, so probably only one term fee savings.

This is pretty standard. He’s on Christmas holidays at the moment. No point in doing vague unstructured revision just because you feel it would be ‘a good thing’. Just unfortunate that the mocks are so soon after the break. The main thing is that he attends school regularly and does the homework the teachers actually set. There will be much more structured preparation and focus coming up to the real exams.

Cant see how you’d expect him to live independently and be self funding. School leaving age is not your 16th birthday but the end of the summer term. You will have to fund his move which might be more expensive than school fees.

Have you had your child assessed i.e. psychological education assessment, to see if he has learning difficulties. May be he does and is not aware of it, or may be he is depressed but has no one to talk to about it.

Have you spoken to the school about it ? To get the school to help develop a revision program for him. You watching Macbeth with him is like asking a husband to teach his wife how to drive, and you know how that ends.

By withdrawing him from school for the last two terms, you will screw up his life. It will be a permanent record that he will not be able to explain (who would believe my mum and dad took me out of school) and instead people will see it as he was asked to withdraw from school because he did something wrong.

Your son is a teenager and does not have his head screwed on .

You are the adult . Take a deep breath. Speak to the school counselors, the teachers, ask for help.

How is his mental health, does he get support with this?

I really don't think you can take him out of his current school for the last 2 terms before GCSEs. Many people do "pull it out the bag" and taking him out really just scuppers all chances for him. That's a life changing thing for him rather than a punishment. I'd go as far as to say he could resent you for years to come.

I think you have to continue with the school until GCSEs are over in July 2023 and then re-assess what he wants to do . Maybe not A levels but a job or apprenticeship.

OP you are being totally, utterly and completely unreasonable and irrational. Of course you can’t take him out of school and ask him to move out at 16, what planet are you on!?!?! Talk to him, explain your expectations and reason with him.

OP he’s enjoying winding you up to this point. His school will deal with the mocks/disaster/revision etc etc. It’s what you pay for. Take that out of the equation completely. Let things take they’d course and decide on post 16 options later. Again the school will help with this.

In order to “Chuck him out” you would need to report him to social services and have him taken into care. Is that what your truly want? I suggest you look at outcomes for kids in care. Not pretty.

My approach would be to cancel all the extra curricular stuff that he needs lifts for. Confiscate all gaming equipment and make its use conditional on improving grades. Be matter of fact and follow through so he knows he can’t manipulate you any more. Speak to school and have him put on report for the first half of the coming term so you can closely monitor grades and attitudes. Work with them to get the academic side sorted.

This seems like a HUGE overreaction to fairly standard teen behaviour.

What else is going on?