Men in women’s spaces

[BrightSaturn]

Just using this to rant really…

2 times in the past month I have encountered men in women only spaces.

1. I went to a feeding room to breastfeed my daughter in a shopping centre. I walked in and there were two young women in there changing their babies and one of their boyfriends just taking up one of the only chairs just sitting there, sitting using his phone. It’s a small room with 3 chairs in. I didn’t know what to do so I thought I’ll just sit down and get ready slowly and hopefully they’ll leave. I have fed in public but this was a small room so I felt vulnerable and like he shouldn’t be there and I didn’t want to lift my top up whilst he was sitting basically opposite me so I eventually asked if he could leave the room, they looked annoyed but thankfully he did go, after she looked at him and said “it’s up to you”…
2. I went into a changing room in a shop the other day with my mum, imagine a big room with seats in the middle and curtained dividers all round the outside. My mum was only trying on cardigans so really she just needed a mirror but in the middle on a seat was a boy about 17/18 years old. His girlfriend was trying on clothes. I couldn’t believe it! It wasn’t even doors on the changing rooms, just curtains. Why he thought this was acceptable I have no idea. Again I felt vulnerable and this time I didn’t have the confidence to ask him to leave. If my mum had been actually changing I would have probably found a shop assistant but still it’s not fair that we have to ask them to leave, he should not have been there in the first place!

aibu to think women’s spaces are being invaded more and more? How can we stop this from happening?

Now I’m transphobic because I didn’t want to get my boob out in front of a man sitting on his phone.. ok mate. 😂😂

Exactly!

His arguments were pretty weak too so I think he just felt sensitive today. 😂

It pisses me off when I see men walking in bf rooms honestly they have no business there. Just because Jane needs a handhold while bf it doesn't mean the other women should feel uncomfortable by your presence in a place where they should be most comfortable. It's the only place where some can feed without covering their infants faces and pump.

There was a bloke in the toilets at the zoo the other day - he was a tourist & the door had been wedged open so the signage was obscured so it wasn't his fault (& he looked really confused by me & my daughters when he came out)

There is a mixed sex toilet at a local attraction & every time there are awkward looking people not sure what to do (especially those tourist groups which include veiled women).
My teen daughter wont use these toilets during her period - she avoids drinking & waits even though I would go with her.

My conclusion is that Decent men don't want to be in our spaces - IMO any man who does is showing they don't respect our boundaries nor consent & is therefore not safe to be around.

He shouldn't have been in there. I can't believe either of you thought that was appropriate.

My conclusion is that Decent men don't want to be in our spaces - IMO any man who does is showing they don't respect our boundaries nor consent & is therefore not safe to be around.

I completely agree with this comment @HopRockers Never in a million years would my husband or adult son go into womens spaces. Giving women some privacy when they are vulnerable is just common decency.

I couldn't agree more. A man formula feeding a baby does not need a feeding room anymore than a woman formula feeding a baby does.
Women should not have to justify wanting a female only to space to breast feed their baby.

I can't understand why a woman who has chosen to feed her baby in the privacy of a changing room would think that it's OK for her partner to be in there too. Your partner is a stranger to any other woman wanting to use the feeding room, if she wasn't bothered about breast feeding in front of strangers she wouldn't be in there.

@FOJN
If I used a room like this and my younger sons were with me I'd expect them to sit quietly away from other women to respect their privacy and space. There's no need for an adult man to be there at all

What about in post-Labour wards in hospitals? Men are allowed there. Because they are parents and as a society it’s in our interests that both parents are equally involved in the upbringing of our children. It’s a good thing for women if the dads are involved too.

We cannot say that we want men to be fully involved with their children and then exclude them from the areas places like John Lewis set aside for parents of babies. If you want a separate area for breastfeeding then argue for that, but you can’t exclude dads from ‘parental’ areas then moan about their lack of involvement with their kids.

most of my views are fairly terfy-transphobe, but on this I say you are wrong.

What about in post-Labour wards in hospitals? Men are allowed there

Because they’re visitors. It’s still a women’s space because women’s re the patients and it’s a single sex ward.

We cannot say that we want men to be fully involved with their children and then exclude them from the areas places like John Lewis set aside for parents of babies

So we have to give up women’s safe spaces now to persuade men to be involved in child rearing? And if they can’t barge their way into a breastfeeding room in John Lewis then they’re out?

Christ I’ve heard it all now.

You don’t need to be glued to each other 25/7 to both be raising a baby. HTH.

Why don’t some women value single sex spaces?

Seriously though if Nigel has to follow you into places where he isn’t supposed to be by virtue of having conceived a child, either you’re neurotic about being alone or he’s a selfish dickhead

Men shouldn't have been there in either situation! You are right OP!
It wasn't a mixed sex changing room, I would have told the man to leave. There were no staff on the changing rooms at the time. I did in next a few weeks ago. He huffed and so did his wife. But the other women were pleased.
We need to protect our female safe spaces!

I wouldn’t feel comfortable with a male in a female change room. I probably wouldn’t buy anything from a store that had mixed changes room either out of principle.

A feeding room however, I thought these were ‘parents’ rooms. I do understand what you are saying about being able to bottle feed anywhere but often babies nappies are changed at the same time and this can’t be done just anywhere. The feeding rooms I have been in have curtained off areas where the breastfeeding chairs are so women can still get privacy if a dad needs to the there. If the chairs were out in the open without doors or curtains, this needs to be brought up with whoever provides the facility, they need to do better.
The situation you have described with an accompanying male taking up a seat and not needing to be there is rough though and I would have asked him to leave too.

@HopRockers My conclusion is that Decent men don't want to be in our spaces - IMO any man who does is showing they don't respect our boundaries nor consent & is therefore not safe to be around.

Totally agree. What is it with women who need their men to support them constantly to the point that they are happy to make another woman feel uncomfortable, or think it's ok to have mixed spaces where the women have no choice?

Who would honestly feel comfortable breast feeding while a man sat opposite with his mobile phone, which was the OP's situation?

Who are these women defending or encouraging men who invade our spaces and why would any woman do this?

@BrightSaturn totally agree with you. Women are entitled to dignity and privacy. I don’t think most of these hanger-on men are pervs (though statistically a proportion will be) but it really disheartens me that so many women seem unable to function without a man with them. It TURNS me when I can’t even look at basic bras and multipack knickers without some gormless man standing beside me. Just piss off. In my line of work I constantly come across situations where women do not speak for themselves, I am forever telling the husband/partner.
/boyfriend/father that I need a written form of authority to discuss the matter with them. Undoubtedly some of those situations are sadly coercive control relationships, but the vast majority are even more sadly those where adult women default to men. You don’t need a man to hold your hand getting changed/breastfeeding/taking professional advice. Drives me mad!!!

@Sillysausage2 if you were uncomfortable and needed support I would have thought you were even more aware of how your DH being in the room would make others feel. How would you have felt, given your need for support, if you went in alone and a man was sitting there?

Good for you! Honestly I do not get this desire to move as a unit at all times. If you can’t try on clothes without your male partner in the room with you, try it on at home and take it back if needs be. I don’t mean to sound judgey but seriously if you need a man to come in to a changing room with you then you need to work on your self esteem. Any man that sits there is also a bit of a d head

This is also a great point. It’s consideration for others at the end of the day, though this seems decidedly out of fashion

ITS NOT A BREASTFEEDING ROOM! ITS PARENTS ROOM!!! MEN ARE NOT INVADING ANY SPACES SET ASIDE FOR WOMEN!

if you want a breastfeeding room, ask for one, but you cannot say that parents aren’t supposed to be in a parents room.

@Blackandwhites but the MAIN point of these rooms is to allow women who don’t want to breastfeed in front of others to feed their babies. What is your problem with women having privacy to do that?

Men needing to feed their babies will be using a bottle. I don’t know a single mother who has ever gone to a parent’s room to bottle feed a baby. Why do you think that men need access to this room to do that?

Women have had to fight really hard to have these ‘accommodations’ made. One of the main arguments against women being admitted to the legal profession for example was a lack of toilet facilities in Courts. That’s a separate point but it’s still a massive problem in the developing world - look at women campaigning for safe toileting spaces in, for example, India and parts of Africa. That allows those women to safely participate in public life. Women of my mother’s generation were tied to the house when breastfeeding because they couldn’t feed the baby in privacy when out. And it’s not just a question of the mother’s privacy, it’s also the baby’s.

@Blackandwhites do you think it necessary to provide a designated private area for bottle feeding? No. There's your answer. I can't believe you need this spelling out for you.

If you go to John Lewis you’ll know they’re called parents rooms, not mums rooms, you’ll also know that they’re devided in two, some by a curtain, some by a wall. Along with seats to feed your child, they also have baby changing areas, watercoolers, a nappy vending machine and a microwave to warm bottles or food.

A parents room is not exclusively a womans space.

I am so glad of women only spaces.
I'm increasingly seeing them being taken away and it makes me angry.
There always seems to be a 'reason' or 'justification'.