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AIBU?

Men in women’s spaces

860 replies

BrightSaturn · 30/12/2022 02:22

Just using this to rant really…

2 times in the past month I have encountered men in women only spaces.

  1. I went to a feeding room to breastfeed my daughter in a shopping centre. I walked in and there were two young women in there changing their babies and one of their boyfriends just taking up one of the only chairs just sitting there, sitting using his phone. It’s a small room with 3 chairs in. I didn’t know what to do so I thought I’ll just sit down and get ready slowly and hopefully they’ll leave. I have fed in public but this was a small room so I felt vulnerable and like he shouldn’t be there and I didn’t want to lift my top up whilst he was sitting basically opposite me so I eventually asked if he could leave the room, they looked annoyed but thankfully he did go, after she looked at him and said “it’s up to you”…
  2. I went into a changing room in a shop the other day with my mum, imagine a big room with seats in the middle and curtained dividers all round the outside. My mum was only trying on cardigans so really she just needed a mirror but in the middle on a seat was a boy about 17/18 years old. His girlfriend was trying on clothes. I couldn’t believe it! It wasn’t even doors on the changing rooms, just curtains. Why he thought this was acceptable I have no idea. Again I felt vulnerable and this time I didn’t have the confidence to ask him to leave. If my mum had been actually changing I would have probably found a shop assistant but still it’s not fair that we have to ask them to leave, he should not have been there in the first place!


aibu to think women’s spaces are being invaded more and more? How can we stop this from happening?
OP posts:
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Am I being unreasonable?

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takealettermsjones · 05/01/2023 13:16

The man was in there with his baby, he didn't just walk in randomly. I understand that there was a changing room next door but maybe that had been occupied when the other family arrived, or maybe they had been feeding initially and then decided to do a quick nappy change before leaving. I think there's an even chance he was using the space for its intended purpose.

Just out of interest, did you go to that centre specifically because you knew there was a feeding room? What would you have done if there wasn't one, or it was gone or occupied or closed for refurbishment?

I'm asking because it seems a bit of a non-issue in that you asked him to leave and he did. Maybe he could have realised you were uncomfortable and left without being asked, but hey, we're all guilty of not noticing social cues sometimes.

I also don't see what the lad in the waiting area of a changing room was doing wrong. He was in the public bit. You change behind a curtain. Feel free to boycott shops with curtained changing rooms by all means, but some of them open right onto the shop floor. I don't think men are doing anything wrong by just existing near a changing room.

Of course, the caveat to all the above is unless the spaces clearly said "women only: men keep out," but it doesn't sound like they did?

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sevensocks · 05/01/2023 19:16

Has anyone ever changed their behaviour after reading a thread like this? Do any of the men reading this just think , hang on I didn't realise that I may have been making breast feeding women feel uncomfortable by being in there bottle feeding so in future I'll keep out ? Or not ?

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LolaSmiles · 05/01/2023 21:51

It’s not a breastfeeding room, it’s a feeding room as OP referenced. A father has every right to be there if he’s feeding his baby.
If he walked into a breastfeeding room or womens change or toilets it’s different isn’t it. But he’s somewhere he’s entitled to be, dare I say I’d love for my husband to go and feed our baby in a clean quiet space while we’re shopping so I could mooch around or have a coffee

A man chilling on his phone doing no baby care has no place in a feeding room when a nursing mother is trying to feed.

Honestly, the fact some men feel entitled to use a feeding space as their own chill out space without any regards for the women using it for it's intended purpose is exactly the problem. Some men don't give a damn about women and are quite happy to make women feel uncomfortable.

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atoxk · 08/01/2023 05:09

Women have to share spaces now, legally men come in to feed kids- fair enough- but every women must have realized why we still have female spaces. We still send teenage girls on a night out to the bathroom in pairs or don't go home alone through a dark park.... for a reason. This is why men should back off and give women a space to feed their kids safely. Any man can respect that privacy I think

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PeonyBlushSuede · 08/01/2023 06:38

Eyerollcentral · 30/12/2022 05:10

Men needing to feed their babies will be using a bottle. I don’t know a single mother who has ever gone to a parent’s room to bottle feed a baby. Why do you think that men need access to this room to do that?

I have used the parents rooms to bottle feed my baby. I've been out to the shopping centre where the main walkway which had the odd bench was very busy so my baby would be too distracted to eat. And I didn't want to buy a coffee in a cafe to feed my baby. Those rooms are useful to bottle feeding mums too - change nappy and feed in one place that's usually quieter than the main shopping centre

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YouSetTheTone · 08/01/2023 18:46

Feeding rooms are useful for mothers who are bottle feeding their babies I agree. But they aren’t quite so integral in terms of providing a space to feed with privacy and dignity - breastfeeding mothers require that in a different sense to bottle feeding mothers. I’m not saying this to be churlish - I agree that bottle feeding women should be able to use those spaces too. But I do then draw the line at men using them. If men want feeding rooms for bottle feeding their children they need to campaign for them separately.

Otherwise the original purpose of the room is corrupted just to convenience more and more groups of people.

For posters about to say that the op is talking about a mixed sex feeding room… I know! I’m just saying that it’s frustrating because originally feeding rooms were campaigned for by breastfeeding mothers and now it’s become a bit of a free for all in order to accommodate the needs of more people.

In a world where women’s breasts weren’t objectified for sexual purposes and where women felt universally comfortable to breastfeed in public then yes, it would be great NOT TO NEED breastfeeding rooms. But we do, and that’s not the fault of women… so why does everyone make it so damn hard to agree to a reasonable request for an area that caters to this specific set of the population without having to dilute it by allowing other groups of people to use it?

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Hont1986 · 11/01/2023 22:16

I agree that bottle feeding women should be able to use those spaces too. But I do then draw the line at men using them.

Why do you think it is ok for women to bottle feed in there, but not men? If you said the rooms should be exclusively for breastfeeding women then that would be one thing, but your current stance is inconsistent.

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Link3 · 12/01/2023 01:02

It's competing needs and limited resources. The needs identified in this thread are

A. privacy and dignity

B. ease of feeding

C. paternal care.

The space described above in the OP is not fit for purpose as it only meets need C. Four people squashed into a small space is neither dignified nor a space free from distraction. It needs a lock. As a single space
it could operate optimally.

More generally, the needs above have to be prioritised where resources are similarly limited. IMO while B and C are important, A has to be the priority. B and C, while challenging can be achieved without loss of dignity.

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YouSetTheTone · 12/01/2023 22:36

Hont1986 · 11/01/2023 22:16

I agree that bottle feeding women should be able to use those spaces too. But I do then draw the line at men using them.

Why do you think it is ok for women to bottle feed in there, but not men? If you said the rooms should be exclusively for breastfeeding women then that would be one thing, but your current stance is inconsistent.

Because the bottle feeding mothers are also women and less likely to make breastfeeding mothers feel uncomfortable even though they are strangers. This is an attempt to accommodate both the needs of breastfeeding mothers (privacy, dignity and safety) with the preferences of bottle feeding mothers (convenience).

But the men are excluded because - simply by virtue of their sex - they make the women whose needs were first being catered for uncomfortable. The breastfeeding mothers have priority here.

If they want paternal feeding spaces they can campaign for them.

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Meowmama · 26/01/2023 00:38

I wholeheartedly agree any man yelling at me is gonna get hurt and I mean told by someone much stronger than me to direct his need to control elsewhere. The issue I have with shared spaces is that in the numbers live the truth and still the single digits women who assaulted men are used as examples against the 6 digits men that assaulted women because theres no space where we haven't seen it ...a man vocally resents that women can say no to them, and they still learn the need to be able to control one to feel like they deserve to be an example of a success to their peers. Its also the reason the most profitable street drug isnt even a narcotic(viagra), and why to this day rape kits arent sold otc or promoted to have in pharmacy even though it happens so often. The me 2 movement is like a dream that we woke up from except some of us have to remember it and how the world was to us before and why it matters to us to be safe more than it matters to make men feel more comfortable doing things they dont need privacy to do. No women are rubbing one out in the stall nextdoor to the thought of men feeding a baby in the lounge. How many women have seen men in public places doing the deed? Its not even a comparison. I saw a guy staring into a dressing room at the mall and his hand in pants. The violence potential should be a factor. Why does a male need a private feeding area? And lesbians are just as aware of boobs functionality as sexuality. And they don't tend to be with their baby and be focused on your boob they are focused on theirs ! They are less of a novelty to a lesbian and its really not an issue. My friends girlfriend stopped me while I was changing once and I got nervous, but she didnt even look at my chest she spun me around and said Get that mole checked- dr said absolutely mohs it off! Thank god for her. Anyway, Women are not obsolete now. It meeds to be okay to be our own thing! Men and men with women identifying styles or emotions still have ability to overpower physically. Its just not right to be undermined. Have locked individuals or an extra for both together but solosex are a must. My op.

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