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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Who is being unreasonable? Helping out with childcare

329 replies

mortitiaaddams · 29/12/2022 23:57

A and B have worked together for 25+ years. Originally in a very intense 1:1 environment- think NHS. Now less so but still in the same environment. B is married to C.

B and C are godparents to A's DD. A had her DD while single. A didn't realise she was pregnant until very late and had no real plans for raising DD as a single parent. B promised to support her.

A's DD is now 8. B and C have gone above and beyond to help out with childcare since she was born, which can be very difficult because A and B's job involves shifts and unpredictable hours. C doesn't work, so most of this is done by her. B and C's older DC also often babysit, do the school run etc, and are paid by A to do this. A's DD is treated like part of B and C's family when with them. A has always been willing to step in with B and C's DC whenever needed over the years, but this has been much less as C has always been home with the DC.

B is very involved with A's DD- will go to all her sports fixtures, school plays, recitals etc. B and C's DC have started to resent this, because B often missed out on these when they were growing up. This was usually due to work at the time, but B now doesn't make the same effort to get to things for younger DC and DGC that he does for A's DD. C is no longer happy with the arrangement, feels that B is too involved with A's DD and they are having her too often.

A's DD has a sports fixture coming up and needs to be accompanied by a parent/other responsible adult. The fixture is a long drive away and will take up the whole weekend. B has volunteered to take A's DD, as she will be working that weekend. C isn't happy as she wasn't asked first. The sports fixture will likely be one of many next year.

C feels that B is putting helping out A and her DD above his own family, and wants A to sort her own childcare from now on. A and B feel that B and the older DC have been volunteering (and the older DC are being paid) and as long as B is happy to be involved, the arrangement should continue.

Who is being unreasonable?

OP posts:
BamBamBilla · 30/12/2022 00:01

couldn't you just give them names I can't follow A, B, C , DC, DD

TheChippendenSpook · 30/12/2022 00:03

That's very confusing, I had to give up but I am a bit drunk.

Mama_bear · 30/12/2022 00:03

Is B the father of A's child?

WTF2do · 30/12/2022 00:04

Is B the father of A’s daughter?

lifeinthehills · 30/12/2022 00:05

It is confusing but, unless B is the father of A's child, why so overinvolved for so long? If it's not working out for B and C they need to just say they can't do that, and let A sort out her own child's needs.

Maya678 · 30/12/2022 00:06

My head hurts from trying to understand OP, sorry 😞

TheChippendenSpook · 30/12/2022 00:06

I've re-read it and agree with C but I also feel for all the children.

worraliberty · 30/12/2022 00:06

Fuck that was difficult to read.

But I take it you are C and your husband is B and now you think he's too close to A for your comfort?

I feel like we've landed in an episode of Sesame Street.

TheChippendenSpook · 30/12/2022 00:07

Threads where letters are used are very confusing to understand.

worraliberty · 30/12/2022 00:08

B promised to support her.

Why would he do that if he's not the father?

TheChippendenSpook · 30/12/2022 00:08

worraliberty · 30/12/2022 00:06

Fuck that was difficult to read.

But I take it you are C and your husband is B and now you think he's too close to A for your comfort?

I feel like we've landed in an episode of Sesame Street.

B must be big bird and C is the cookie monster.

terriblyangryattimes · 30/12/2022 00:08

If B is paying more attention to As daughter than his own kids/grandkids/wife aka C then yes there is a problem.

Shauna27 · 30/12/2022 00:08

B must be the father? I'd do a DNA test.

Aquamarine1029 · 30/12/2022 00:09

This A, B, C shit is insufferable.

Grumpybeforemytime · 30/12/2022 00:09

I empathise with C, and B and C's children to be honest. It must be very hurtful for them that their dad missed many of their school events but is always attending his goddaughter's

lifeinthehills · 30/12/2022 00:09

worraliberty · 30/12/2022 00:08

B promised to support her.

Why would he do that if he's not the father?

Either because he's the godfather or related to A in some way? Strange situation anyway. There's support and then there's over the top over involved.

Itsthewhitehat · 30/12/2022 00:09

So A,B and C are all joint raising the child that A had?

B and C have essentially been an extra set of parents? C is now objecting?

Sounds like a situation where boundaries have been blurred.

and yes, I would be suspected B is the Dad. This is such a weird set up.

Womencanlift · 30/12/2022 00:09

A is a CF and is basically relying on another family to raise her child

She needs to step away and let B & C get their own family time back

Agree with others that sounds like B is (secretly) the father

Grumpybeforemytime · 30/12/2022 00:10

Absolutely

FangedFrisbee · 30/12/2022 00:11

A is ridiculous

Identifyingasadolphin · 30/12/2022 00:12

i actually found it an easy read using A/B/C - quietly thinking it would make posts easier to follow if it was a more widely adopted approach on MN…

Dragonskin · 30/12/2022 00:14

Unless B is A's child's father then A is hugely taking the piss expecting that level of involvement and support from a random work colleague, and B is being massively inappropriate putting A's child above their own family. No way should they be dedicating a weekend to someone else's child without clearing it with their own family

The only one not being unreasonable is C (although perhaps unreasonable for not considering that there is far more to A and Bs relationship than meets the eye!)

worraliberty · 30/12/2022 00:14

lifeinthehills · 30/12/2022 00:09

Either because he's the godfather or related to A in some way? Strange situation anyway. There's support and then there's over the top over involved.

He promised to support her when she said she was pregnant though, so he wasn't GF at that point.

Such a weird thing for a male colleague to do.

lifeinthehills · 30/12/2022 00:15

worraliberty · 30/12/2022 00:14

He promised to support her when she said she was pregnant though, so he wasn't GF at that point.

Such a weird thing for a male colleague to do.

It is weird. It's almost like it's a three way marriage. I do think C should have nipped this in the bud long ago though.

worraliberty · 30/12/2022 00:15

Identifyingasadolphin · 30/12/2022 00:12

i actually found it an easy read using A/B/C - quietly thinking it would make posts easier to follow if it was a more widely adopted approach on MN…

Oh no I prefer Bob and Barbara.

They were always called that when I first joined Mumsnet 😂

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