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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who is being unreasonable? Helping out with childcare

329 replies

mortitiaaddams · 29/12/2022 23:57

A and B have worked together for 25+ years. Originally in a very intense 1:1 environment- think NHS. Now less so but still in the same environment. B is married to C.

B and C are godparents to A's DD. A had her DD while single. A didn't realise she was pregnant until very late and had no real plans for raising DD as a single parent. B promised to support her.

A's DD is now 8. B and C have gone above and beyond to help out with childcare since she was born, which can be very difficult because A and B's job involves shifts and unpredictable hours. C doesn't work, so most of this is done by her. B and C's older DC also often babysit, do the school run etc, and are paid by A to do this. A's DD is treated like part of B and C's family when with them. A has always been willing to step in with B and C's DC whenever needed over the years, but this has been much less as C has always been home with the DC.

B is very involved with A's DD- will go to all her sports fixtures, school plays, recitals etc. B and C's DC have started to resent this, because B often missed out on these when they were growing up. This was usually due to work at the time, but B now doesn't make the same effort to get to things for younger DC and DGC that he does for A's DD. C is no longer happy with the arrangement, feels that B is too involved with A's DD and they are having her too often.

A's DD has a sports fixture coming up and needs to be accompanied by a parent/other responsible adult. The fixture is a long drive away and will take up the whole weekend. B has volunteered to take A's DD, as she will be working that weekend. C isn't happy as she wasn't asked first. The sports fixture will likely be one of many next year.

C feels that B is putting helping out A and her DD above his own family, and wants A to sort her own childcare from now on. A and B feel that B and the older DC have been volunteering (and the older DC are being paid) and as long as B is happy to be involved, the arrangement should continue.

Who is being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Jaybird43 · 30/12/2022 05:43

aloris · 30/12/2022 02:00

I think C needs to stop this arrangement for the sake of C's (younger?) children. It's not fair on C's younger children to make them be sidelined because B feels bad that A's dd doesn't have a nice dad. Also, B is treating A like his wife, maybe not sexually but it's still not ok. The least C can do is to stop being bullied into babysitting A's daughter. It sounds nice but it's essentially a sort of female cuckolding: C is being expected to do childcare for another woman who has negotiated her and her child being placed above C and B/C's children in the loyalty of her own husband B. A needs to get proper childcare that doesn't enmesh her with another woman's marriage.

This would be a dealbreaker for me if I were C. I would not put up with facilitating my own minimisation in my marriage so my husband could pretend that he's another woman's savior.

You’ve said it perfectly, @aloris - B is “the saviour” in this situation - supporting his own family whilst facilitating the upbringing and ?emotional support for A and her daughter. IMO, if my DH said “Jess from work is having a baby - you can help babysit and I’ll go to their sporting events etc” I would not be happy. This is more than what a GF / friend would do. Unfortunately, with the child now being 8, changing things now could massively impact her - this bizarre situation is that child’s normality, and uprooting the support from this word second family set up, could cause significant emotional damage on a child. B and C should’ve stepped back years ago. Where is A’s family? Does A not have a partner now who could share the childcare load? I presume A is more than happy with the situation because her daughter gets all the love and support she needs from B and C’s family

Virginiaplain · 30/12/2022 05:56

What age are your other children - you have 2 older and 2 ....what?

Very sad for them that B favours this other girl over his own DCs.

Working full time his spare time will be minimal but I know from experience that sports competition can take over your life (and weekends).

I assume they are in well paid jobs - A needs to set up her own childcare and pay for it - it's been virtually free for 8 years. And to do that soon. Au pair? Nanny?

Divorce then he will be forced to spend time iwth his own dCs. (bit drastic but he sounds like a selfish git and will do what he wants - check out what you will get financially if you divorce with a solicitor to see if it is even doable for you - presume you have no pension saved.)

Zanatdy · 30/12/2022 06:06

I think anything that takes up the whole weekend is something that should be discussed first. I think it could also set a precedent of doing it again, and again. It’s hard enough for your own children when they have hobbies that take up your weekend so I can understand someone being annoyed when it’s not even for their own child.

Virginiaplain · 30/12/2022 06:53

Could he set up home with A?

Scarydinosaurs · 30/12/2022 06:59

What is the response of your DH when your own DC express upset/jealousy?

There will surely be other team parents who can take A’s DD?

Also, I think even if he isn’t the dad to A’s DD, he clearly wants to be.

Taillighttoobright · 30/12/2022 07:05

Why is B so involved with A's DD?

londonrach · 30/12/2022 07:09

Unless b is the father which seems likely a is a cf and shouldnt take advantage of b and c

autienotnaughty · 30/12/2022 07:10

YRNBU
It's too much and your dh is way too invested. It seems like A needs that as without your family it's likely she would have to give up work. How olds her dd? I'd assume the responsibility will naturally lessen over time as her dd gets older and needs less care. But it's also totally reasonable for you to say no to helping out. And to expect your dh to speak to you before he commits himself to helping out.

fancyacuppatea · 30/12/2022 07:15

A and B are being unreasonable.
Your kids deserve some time with their dad, and he's too busy being a stand-in dad for A's DD.
I'd be quite pissed off if he was off all weekend. A one-off, maybe, but not if this is going to be frequent.

MintJulia · 30/12/2022 07:19

Wouldn't it be easier for A & B to swap shifts (if that's possible) so A can take her own daughter to the event?

PatientlyWaiting21 · 30/12/2022 07:20

My brain cannot compute A=XYZ…use names. To anyone who finishes this post and understands it you deserve a Reward.

Paq · 30/12/2022 07:34

Tough situation all round. A is failing her child by being so reliant on others to the point that it's starting to affect their family relationships.

I'd get through this weekend somehow and then sit down as three adults and talk through expectations. I know B promised to support her but circumstances can and do change. Ultimately A is the child's mother.

ColadhSamh · 30/12/2022 07:38

What is your husband's response to your children bring unhappy when he prioritises another (allegedly) man's child? Time for all cards on the table for all your sakes. This farce has gone on long enough. You and some of your children are unhappy, time to get it resolved. Why should you go along with the status quo keep another woman happy?

rookiemere · 30/12/2022 07:39

I don't think B is the father. I think it's more likely he wants to be knight in shining armour to this woman - and that fits into the narrative of emotional affair.

Yes absolutely put some boundaries in place. Childcare when DC was young and she needed it was a slightly odd, but kind idea. Going away at weekends- is this with the mother- to facilitate a sport, is not necessary and should be your hill to die on.

ivykaty44 · 30/12/2022 07:40

Who is being unreasonable?

C is being unreasonable, they are not the boss of B and have started to tell B what they can and can't do

lifeinthehills · 30/12/2022 07:42

It sounds like he's volunteered you to mind A's child while they both work or something? That's where you can start saying no. A will have to organise a professional sitter for her child.

Sandunesandseashells · 30/12/2022 07:43

ivykaty44 · 30/12/2022 07:40

Who is being unreasonable?

C is being unreasonable, they are not the boss of B and have started to tell B what they can and can't do

I disagree. That would be true if they were three independent adults but there’s a marriage here and another woman is being put first in that marriage and the wife is being used as a nanny.

Ohheythereitsme · 30/12/2022 07:48

I would have a conversation with dh and agree boundaries going forward. If he doesn’t knowing you are uncomfortable with it (and I think most people would be). Then you need to decide what your own boundaries are and whether you want to openly accept what is going on and what may be going on that you aren’t aware of.

rookiemere · 30/12/2022 07:50

Sorry I skim read the OP [I blame the A, B and C malarkey].
I see the DM isn't going to the sporting event, so that is something.

You need to say something OP, but I'd come at it from a place of sadness that he is missing out on his own DCs achievements at the cost of another person's DC.

I'd say that as arrangements have been made for him to go to this sporting event, he can go but this needs to be a line in the sand where he chooses his own DCs and stops putting them second.

Apart from anything else, it starts to be a bit inappropriate for an 8 year old DD to be accompanied by a male non relative.

HappyKoala56 · 30/12/2022 08:09

Surely there is a compromise here, B cuts back on contact but stays involved. You can say you won't be childcare anymore and if your older DC are happy to do so they earn more money. B can offer to help, but for no longer than a shift. B can attend school events if he also makes the same effort with his DC/DGC. I think pulling all contact with the child would be damaging, but setting boundaries that puts your family first is perfectly reasonable

Nowdontmakeamess · 30/12/2022 08:21

I would be very concerned that B is grooming the mother/child and think him taking the girl away for the whole weekend is very inappropriate.

That or the child is B’s.

Eddielizzard · 30/12/2022 08:26

I feel for your DC who's being disregarded, and you. You are both sacrificing so your DH can swan about being the hero. The whole situation is off.

No to weekends away at sporting fixtures. He's got to step up for his youngest DC.

Seems to me there is an emotional affair going on, but I think from what you say, the close working relationship almost forces this on them and it's known and accepted. What a shit show.

I think you have to scale back the babysitting. Your DH at the very minimum must put his DC first as it's actively damaging their relationship.

Elnetthairnet · 30/12/2022 08:33

You’re not being unreasonable. B seems to care far more for the child of A than he does for his own DC/DGC. B needs to end his emotional affair with A and step back slowly from A’s DD. This arrangement is ridiculous.

NotAnotherCrisis · 30/12/2022 08:34

I reckon they're paramedics and there's the real possibility B is the father of A's DD, but that A knows that B is unlikely to leave C so the arrangement continues.

Just a theory.

NotAnotherCrisis · 30/12/2022 08:35

YANBU

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