Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who is being unreasonable? Helping out with childcare

329 replies

mortitiaaddams · 29/12/2022 23:57

A and B have worked together for 25+ years. Originally in a very intense 1:1 environment- think NHS. Now less so but still in the same environment. B is married to C.

B and C are godparents to A's DD. A had her DD while single. A didn't realise she was pregnant until very late and had no real plans for raising DD as a single parent. B promised to support her.

A's DD is now 8. B and C have gone above and beyond to help out with childcare since she was born, which can be very difficult because A and B's job involves shifts and unpredictable hours. C doesn't work, so most of this is done by her. B and C's older DC also often babysit, do the school run etc, and are paid by A to do this. A's DD is treated like part of B and C's family when with them. A has always been willing to step in with B and C's DC whenever needed over the years, but this has been much less as C has always been home with the DC.

B is very involved with A's DD- will go to all her sports fixtures, school plays, recitals etc. B and C's DC have started to resent this, because B often missed out on these when they were growing up. This was usually due to work at the time, but B now doesn't make the same effort to get to things for younger DC and DGC that he does for A's DD. C is no longer happy with the arrangement, feels that B is too involved with A's DD and they are having her too often.

A's DD has a sports fixture coming up and needs to be accompanied by a parent/other responsible adult. The fixture is a long drive away and will take up the whole weekend. B has volunteered to take A's DD, as she will be working that weekend. C isn't happy as she wasn't asked first. The sports fixture will likely be one of many next year.

C feels that B is putting helping out A and her DD above his own family, and wants A to sort her own childcare from now on. A and B feel that B and the older DC have been volunteering (and the older DC are being paid) and as long as B is happy to be involved, the arrangement should continue.

Who is being unreasonable?

OP posts:
GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 30/12/2022 00:17

Agree that the letters are very confusing.

However it reads as though B is the father of A’s Dd

Vanillalime · 30/12/2022 00:17

I think B (your husband?) is being unreasonable. Promising to support his colleague/friend is commendable, but from what you have said you & your husband have practically raised this child alongside your own for 8 years! Why??

If this no longer works for you, you need to spell it out to your husband and both of you have a chat with A about what help you are willing to give going forward & what you will be stopping. Your kids must feel so sidelined watching him be a Disney dad to someone else’s child when he wasn’t there for them.

Original poster
mortitiaaddams · 30/12/2022 00:17

B isn't the father of A's child.

A and B's job is known for very close relationships between work partners, that might be relevant.

OP posts:
MrsMikeHeck · 30/12/2022 00:18

— You’re C?
— B is the DD’s dad?
— If he’s not the dad, the strength of B and C’s relationship is such that he feels a level of commitment to A and Dd’s family

FromDespairToHere · 30/12/2022 00:18

C'mon op are you A or C? And B is the father isn't he...

TheCurseOfBoris · 30/12/2022 00:19

I think you're taking the piss. It was a nice agreement when you were younger and 'all in this together' mode. You surely can't expect this agreement or whatever to carry on?

worraliberty · 30/12/2022 00:19

mortitiaaddams · 30/12/2022 00:17

B isn't the father of A's child.

A and B's job is known for very close relationships between work partners, that might be relevant.

Then why the knight in shining armour routine?

I've got female friends who have been in the same position and I haven't given them anywhere near that level of support, even though I've supported them well.

ReindeerBelieve · 30/12/2022 00:19

I found it confusing -probably as I had assumed (wrongly) that B was female until I got further into the AB C explanation

I can understand that with big age gaps what an upcoming person career driven wise may not get to do for their own kids re concerts etc they can do for a much younger fee God child but not over their own DGC

Having being righted and knowing that B is male I'm also wondering if he is said father of As child ? - otherwise huge committee t to a colleague ref raising child

If I was C or Cs children I'd be hacked off

winterpastasalad · 30/12/2022 00:21

I think C and her dc have the right to be annoyed. It goes beyond being a good godparent. I'd be thinking perhaps B is the secret father.

TheCurseOfBoris · 30/12/2022 00:22

Does B know C is the father to A's child?

worraliberty · 30/12/2022 00:24

TheCurseOfBoris · 30/12/2022 00:22

Does B know C is the father to A's child?

B is the bloke

Margo34 · 30/12/2022 00:24

Childcare is A's responsibility as the child's parent. Unless B is the father, B has no responsibility for childcare irrespective of what B may have said at some passing comment about support in the past. C has no responsibility for childcare either. Neither do the children of B and C. If an arrangement with B and C is no longer working, that's fine. A needs to find another solution and the arrangement should cease. I'd be annoyed if I was C too.

TerraNostra · 30/12/2022 00:24

mortitiaaddams · 30/12/2022 00:17

B isn't the father of A's child.

A and B's job is known for very close relationships between work partners, that might be relevant.

Do you know this for certain? Or is that just what A and B have always told you?

Margo34 · 30/12/2022 00:25

Which one are you @mortitiaaddams A, B, or C?

worraliberty · 30/12/2022 00:26

There are plenty of jobs where close colleague relationships are the norm....like police, firefighters, paramedics etc.

And plenty of affairs arise as a result, so I'm not sure why you're saying he couldn't be the child's dad?

SuperPup86 · 30/12/2022 00:26

B is the daddy. And possibly having an ongoing emotional or physical affair with A.

C needs to open her eyes.

Theydoyaknow · 30/12/2022 00:26

Clear as mud.

pastayeti · 30/12/2022 00:27

Agree @SuperPup86

Original poster
mortitiaaddams · 30/12/2022 00:28

I am C.

A's DD's dad is trying to get access at the moment and A is trying to block it. I think if there was any possibility B was the father, she would have brought that up by now.

OP posts:
anerki101 · 30/12/2022 00:31

mortitiaaddams · 30/12/2022 00:28

I am C.

A's DD's dad is trying to get access at the moment and A is trying to block it. I think if there was any possibility B was the father, she would have brought that up by now.

So if B, your husband, isn't the father to A's child, why is he so invested and why is prioritising A and her child over you and your children?

Selttan · 30/12/2022 00:31

I didn't find this hard to follow and I agree with C - it's too much.

B needs to start prioritizing his own children. In years to come I bet B will be wondering why his children aren't interested in a close relationship with him.

He made a stupid promise years ago at the expense of his own family.

ChristmasChair · 30/12/2022 00:31

Poor c!

kimchifix · 30/12/2022 00:31

I cannot imagine the type of work relationship that is so close you co-parent your co-workers child, and also expect the co-workers partner and children to be their other child carers. Wtf? Where's the actual father in this scenario? Why does the mother not hire a nanny? Or involve their own family? None of this makes any sense.

worraliberty · 30/12/2022 00:31

mortitiaaddams · 30/12/2022 00:28

I am C.

A's DD's dad is trying to get access at the moment and A is trying to block it. I think if there was any possibility B was the father, she would have brought that up by now.

Not if your husband refused to support her if she did.

Have you ever met the 'father' who is apparently trying to get access?

jclm · 30/12/2022 00:33

SuperPup86 · 30/12/2022 00:26

B is the daddy. And possibly having an ongoing emotional or physical affair with A.

C needs to open her eyes.

I agree with this.
As a bluff, perhaps C could suggest to A that in order to get rid of the "biological father" wanting access, A should pretend that B is actually the father. Then see what As reaction is...

Swipe left for the next trending thread