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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who is being unreasonable? Helping out with childcare

329 replies

mortitiaaddams · 29/12/2022 23:57

A and B have worked together for 25+ years. Originally in a very intense 1:1 environment- think NHS. Now less so but still in the same environment. B is married to C.

B and C are godparents to A's DD. A had her DD while single. A didn't realise she was pregnant until very late and had no real plans for raising DD as a single parent. B promised to support her.

A's DD is now 8. B and C have gone above and beyond to help out with childcare since she was born, which can be very difficult because A and B's job involves shifts and unpredictable hours. C doesn't work, so most of this is done by her. B and C's older DC also often babysit, do the school run etc, and are paid by A to do this. A's DD is treated like part of B and C's family when with them. A has always been willing to step in with B and C's DC whenever needed over the years, but this has been much less as C has always been home with the DC.

B is very involved with A's DD- will go to all her sports fixtures, school plays, recitals etc. B and C's DC have started to resent this, because B often missed out on these when they were growing up. This was usually due to work at the time, but B now doesn't make the same effort to get to things for younger DC and DGC that he does for A's DD. C is no longer happy with the arrangement, feels that B is too involved with A's DD and they are having her too often.

A's DD has a sports fixture coming up and needs to be accompanied by a parent/other responsible adult. The fixture is a long drive away and will take up the whole weekend. B has volunteered to take A's DD, as she will be working that weekend. C isn't happy as she wasn't asked first. The sports fixture will likely be one of many next year.

C feels that B is putting helping out A and her DD above his own family, and wants A to sort her own childcare from now on. A and B feel that B and the older DC have been volunteering (and the older DC are being paid) and as long as B is happy to be involved, the arrangement should continue.

Who is being unreasonable?

OP posts:
clpsmum · 30/12/2022 00:50

BamBamBilla · 30/12/2022 00:01

couldn't you just give them names I can't follow A, B, C , DC, DD

I'm the same gave up after a couple of sentences too confusing

worraliberty · 30/12/2022 00:51

mortitiaaddams · 30/12/2022 00:48

A and DH are extremely close. We've fought over that a lot over the years, but it is common in their line of work.

Dh seems to believe that A did a lot to help out with our older DC when they were younger. She really wasn't. She helped out here and there, but honestly we didn't need her to.

Oh wake up please.

Affairs are rife in any line of work where colleagues are extremely close.

You said yourself...

A and B have worked together for 25+ years. Originally in a very intense 1:1 environment

I'd be asking for a DNA test if I were you and honestly I'm normally the last Mumsnetter to shout 'affair' on most threads.

Original poster
mortitiaaddams · 30/12/2022 00:52

They used to work the same shifts 99% of the time. It's been more varied for the last 10 years, but what would happen when they worked the same shifts was he would say we would have her DD, and by we he would mean me.

OP posts:
worraliberty · 30/12/2022 00:54

mortitiaaddams · 30/12/2022 00:52

They used to work the same shifts 99% of the time. It's been more varied for the last 10 years, but what would happen when they worked the same shifts was he would say we would have her DD, and by we he would mean me.

DNA test

OrigamiOwls · 30/12/2022 00:55

There seem to be 3 people in your relationship OP...

kimchifix · 30/12/2022 00:55

And it does sound very much like "there are three people in the marriage". Ugh.

Survey99 · 30/12/2022 00:55

B is the dad. He does so much so for her so A doesn't rock the boat.

Sometimes the answer is the obvious one.

Fallin · 30/12/2022 00:56

At the very least he has reason to believe that he is potentially the child's biological father.

MysteryBelle · 30/12/2022 00:56

How tiresome. I couldn’t get past the 20th set of A B Cs.

kimchifix · 30/12/2022 00:58

Why did you go along with this for so long?

AspiringMermaid · 30/12/2022 00:59

Are you C? Honestly the post seems a bit one sided, the emphasis and solution is to change the childcare dynamic between B and A's DD... To me it sounds like not really addressing the core issues.
It reads that C has done a massive amount of free childcare over the years for A's DD(not unhappily?) and seems to have an issue now, because it is perceived that B shows lack of regard and for C and their DC.
I don't think anyone is being unreasonable, just B and C need to work on their communication and working as a team.
Would C have an issue if B talked about A's DD and they discussed the problem (eg A's need for childcare) and what works for their family in terms of help they want to provide. Does C share how they feel B's actions affect their DC?

It sounds like A and C aren't as close and A and B, could this be where some of C's resentment is coming from?

The post says "A's DD is treated like part of B and C's family when with them."
---- This is so kind, and sounds like a part of the well established dynamic between the families. Maybe it feels normal to B to offer to take A's DD to a sporting event over a weekend because B sees the child as part of their family. If B prioritises A's DD events over his own younger DC's events, could this be because B feels a little bad for A's DD, and that the kid that had a slightly harder start in life then their own DC and emotionally needs more support? Did B have something in his own childhood that was similar? Therefore very emphatic.

Does B recognise that his older DC resent that discrepancy in participation in events? Sorry so many questions! Is a complex situation.

I think B and C need to have more open honest conversations, agree on what is appropriate for them to provide as a unit, and so talk to their DC. Hopefully B and C's DC see A's DD as part of their family as well, B and C can explain in the past B was too busy to be make as much time for the older DC and talk about the disparity.

C wants the childcare to stop and for A to work it out herself, that's seems like a extreme measure... or at least a very big contrast to the status quo. Sounds like an reaction because C is at end of their tether, and has been bit uncomfortable with this situation for too long, and now the lack of boundaries and communication is too frustrating.
Ultimately whatever happens I hope A's DD still gets B and C in her life, as she's probably sees them as beloved family, A, B and C just needs a long term sustainable solution.

worraliberty · 30/12/2022 01:00

Survey99 · 30/12/2022 00:55

B is the dad. He does so much so for her so A doesn't rock the boat.

Sometimes the answer is the obvious one.

I'd lay money on it.

OhIdoLike2bBesideTheSeaside · 30/12/2022 01:01

a needs to organise proper childcare and b and c need to stop being doormats and say no

worraliberty · 30/12/2022 01:01

@AspiringMermaid I realise you must've taken a long time to type that but you need to read back a lot.

ButterflyOil · 30/12/2022 01:01

To be honest it sounds like a throuple marriage to me, both emotionally and practically. The level of input your husband has has with his colleague / friend / work wife and her child, as well as your input with childcare over so many years really has built into a committed triple relationship to all intents and purposes.

Im not sure why this has gone on so long? It’s certainly an emotional affair - except it sort of seems to have been accepted by you (if reluctantly) as it’s hardly been hidden and you’ve actively participated in childcare.

MolkosTeenageAngst · 30/12/2022 01:04

I’m assuming they’re partners in a job like the police or paramedics where they spend a lot of time 1:1 in high stress situations and so have developed a particularly close bond different from your typical colleague relationship?

If your DH was the father would A really be able to say anything? I’m assuming it would destroy your family and also her relationship with your DH and scupper all of her childcare options. It might be easier to fight the man she claims is his father than admit the truth considering how much your DH is doing for their DD right now.

If she’s not his DD then I would be questioning how and why he can put her above his own DC and DGC. It’s lovely he wants to help his friend out but to place her over and above his own family does seems strange.

YANBU to want to start scaling this back.

Swiminanglesey · 30/12/2022 01:06

Oh @mortitiaaddams hes clearly the father, I’m so sorry!

mondaytosunday · 30/12/2022 01:08

I think B was wrong not to consult with C about this gif dure. You don't commit to a whole weekend for another person's child, no matter how close, without consulting your partner.
I think as he's said he would he should do this one time, but A needs to figure it out in the future. They aren't the only single parent with a demanding job and need to be not so reliant on B. Other parents from the activity could possibly be responsible. My son played rugby which involved all day and on occasion overnight away. I had another child at home - I asked another parent already going to be the adult responsible.

Alex Drake · 30/12/2022 01:09

What type of job means that they need to be so closely family linked? It's a bit strange to be honest.

JudgeRudy · 30/12/2022 01:13

This

howshouldibehave · 30/12/2022 01:14

So, you are c? And B is the father of A’s daughter, yes?

Original poster
mortitiaaddams · 30/12/2022 01:17

MolkosTeenageAngst · 30/12/2022 01:04

I’m assuming they’re partners in a job like the police or paramedics where they spend a lot of time 1:1 in high stress situations and so have developed a particularly close bond different from your typical colleague relationship?

If your DH was the father would A really be able to say anything? I’m assuming it would destroy your family and also her relationship with your DH and scupper all of her childcare options. It might be easier to fight the man she claims is his father than admit the truth considering how much your DH is doing for their DD right now.

If she’s not his DD then I would be questioning how and why he can put her above his own DC and DGC. It’s lovely he wants to help his friend out but to place her over and above his own family does seems strange.

YANBU to want to start scaling this back.

It's one of these jobs, yes.

I do think she'd say something if DH was the father to avoid having to give her DD's dad contact. We think there is going to be a DNA test anyway (her dad, not DH!) although I may be wrong on that.

The two of our DC who often help out with childcare don't have an issue with the current arrangement/how much DH does with A's DD. Our other DC very much do.

OP posts:
DrMarciaFieldstone · 30/12/2022 01:20

OhIdoLike2bBesideTheSeaside · 30/12/2022 01:01

a needs to organise proper childcare and b and c need to stop being doormats and say no

This.

kimchifix · 30/12/2022 01:26

A is relying far far too heavily on B to the detriment of Bs own children (and C). It's got to stop. Unless of course he is actually the father of As DD. B needs to discuss this properly with C and acknowledge the impact of his actions. And dear C you sound lovely but you've got to stand up for yourself and your DC. I'm sure A&B are extremely virtuous & hard working saving the world or some such but honestly - charity begins at home. And Bs home is with you and his kids. This should come first. He needs to rethink his priorities.

Trez1510 · 30/12/2022 01:30

So, OP and B were married and had a couple of kids.

B works very closely 1:1 with A, and A gets pregnant.

B offers to support A in being a single mother, OP agrees (reluctantly?) to this arrangement.

B & C go on to have more children.

B continues very willingly to be a 'father figure' to A's child, sometimes to the detriment of his own children of all ages.

A consistently insists Mr X is her child's father.

OP wakens up one day, posts on MN seeking confirmation it's an 'unusual' situation from which she and B must now step back due, in large part, to OP&B's younger children being unhappy with the attention A's child receives from B.

Is that correct?

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