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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who is being unreasonable? Helping out with childcare

329 replies

mortitiaaddams · 29/12/2022 23:57

A and B have worked together for 25+ years. Originally in a very intense 1:1 environment- think NHS. Now less so but still in the same environment. B is married to C.

B and C are godparents to A's DD. A had her DD while single. A didn't realise she was pregnant until very late and had no real plans for raising DD as a single parent. B promised to support her.

A's DD is now 8. B and C have gone above and beyond to help out with childcare since she was born, which can be very difficult because A and B's job involves shifts and unpredictable hours. C doesn't work, so most of this is done by her. B and C's older DC also often babysit, do the school run etc, and are paid by A to do this. A's DD is treated like part of B and C's family when with them. A has always been willing to step in with B and C's DC whenever needed over the years, but this has been much less as C has always been home with the DC.

B is very involved with A's DD- will go to all her sports fixtures, school plays, recitals etc. B and C's DC have started to resent this, because B often missed out on these when they were growing up. This was usually due to work at the time, but B now doesn't make the same effort to get to things for younger DC and DGC that he does for A's DD. C is no longer happy with the arrangement, feels that B is too involved with A's DD and they are having her too often.

A's DD has a sports fixture coming up and needs to be accompanied by a parent/other responsible adult. The fixture is a long drive away and will take up the whole weekend. B has volunteered to take A's DD, as she will be working that weekend. C isn't happy as she wasn't asked first. The sports fixture will likely be one of many next year.

C feels that B is putting helping out A and her DD above his own family, and wants A to sort her own childcare from now on. A and B feel that B and the older DC have been volunteering (and the older DC are being paid) and as long as B is happy to be involved, the arrangement should continue.

Who is being unreasonable?

OP posts:
JWhipple · 31/12/2022 20:23

Clearly the answer is Z.

Cactusmad · 31/12/2022 21:00

Further down the line will he be at her graduation or walk her down the aisle? Too much for a work colleague. She had the child so she needs to sort the care situation. If he’s not the dad where is the dad and what does he think of this surrogate family?

Thisisfor · 31/12/2022 21:17

Absolutely not acceptable, A must be on another planet if she thinks this is acceptable and your DH is behaving very badly. Could he have the hots for A? I have been told affairs are common in the police due to anti social hours (friends husband strayed, friend said this is not uncommon)

mumda · 31/12/2022 21:23

Dear C
it's not your fault. It's not your fault.

Love Munda

Cactusmad · 31/12/2022 21:26

Affair at some point would make sense. What do ur friends and family think. If someone in my life was going through this I’m sure someone other than the kids would have said, what’s the backstory here. Their work colleagues must gossip.

Toomuchtrouble4me · 31/12/2022 21:46

B is being unreasonable for not communicating with C and making C’s needs seem less important than A’s.
A is being unreasonable as she is aware of the issues she is causing but doesn’t care.

Yourcatisnotsorry · 31/12/2022 21:54

B is either in love with A or the father of As DD I think. C is NBU.

Shoecleaner · 31/12/2022 22:06

Your husband is totally taking the piss and is making out this is totally normal. I have loads of cop friends and family and this is far from the norm. I call BS.

Mariposa26 · 31/12/2022 22:14

Yourcatisnotsorry · 31/12/2022 21:54

B is either in love with A or the father of As DD I think. C is NBU.

This 100%

Ladyfrog59 · 31/12/2022 22:41

I agree it's like a boring novel

Shelby2010 · 31/12/2022 23:15

It doesn’t sound like it’s really the ad hoc childcare (that you’re supplying) that is causing the resentment? Presumably because A DD stopping for tea or sleeping over doesn’t impact your DC/DGC, but when your DH spends his whole weekend on her then it does take something from his family.

Maybe you should point out to DH that whatever time he spends on A DD, he needs to spend at least that much on one to one time with his DC & possibly DGC. And also time as a family without A DD.

Swissmountains · 31/12/2022 23:41

I can’t get over what I have just read.

No man on the planet would invest that level of time, resources and effort into a child that was not his/or a deeply long term entwined affair.

You are being played for a total fool op.
It’s A’s child, the childcare is down to her! Put the brakes on now and see how your dh reacts, this should tell you everything you need to know.

Make sure your finances are covered and you havre a plan B ready to go, because I can’t imagine how this is going to end well at this point.

I would be doing ky own dna test as a starting point

Kjpt140v · 31/12/2022 23:54

Sorry I gave up reading, I just can't be arsed.

poefaced · 01/01/2023 00:12

Kjpt140v · 31/12/2022 23:54

Sorry I gave up reading, I just can't be arsed.

Does it matter when 300 of us did? Hardly a loss is it?

DuplicateUserName · 01/01/2023 00:19

mortitiaaddams · 30/12/2022 19:22

They're police. She's actually just eligible for retirement, she had her DD very late. Although I can see her holding off for a few more years. I imagine she probably can't afford to retire yet. DH's attitude seems to be we/I've done it this long and it won't be for much longer, so it would be unreasonable to mess with the current arrangement now.

She doesn't have the option to opt out of nights/antisocial shifts. Others have made it work as single parents, but have relied on family support. She doesn't have contact with her family.

Then she should've got another job.

She doesn't have a God given right to work for the police just because she likes it.

Her child comes first.

Messyhair321 · 01/01/2023 00:27

Ohh no I need a diagram.

Messyhair321 · 01/01/2023 00:31

This does seem unusual. Not relatives? So is he the father of A's DD?
I think A has a massive cheek expecting childcare. Other parents make it work because either they have family support or they PAY for childcare. Why are you providing her childcare?

Kjpt140v · 01/01/2023 01:37

What has it got to do with you? Don't give a toss about what you think.

Therealjudgejudy · 01/01/2023 01:42

This is 100% fu*ked up. What a toxic situation. There are 3 people in your marriage.

Start getting angry and put yourself and YOUR family first.

greennavy · 01/01/2023 08:44

This sounds like a good back story of a new cop
Drama

Does fhe child look like him?

I feel for you. I fhink this would push me away if i were you

DrJackDaniels · 01/01/2023 10:10

If you’re the daughters Godmother you must be fairly close with A - do you speak to her on your own ever? Does she come over for dinner with you ever? Has she made the effort to be your friend too and check you’ve been Ok with this arrangement over the years?

If A has any respect for you (and is a good friend to B) then she would not want to be causing issues with Bs marriage IF this is purely a work relationship and nothing more. If I were A I wouldn’t want you to feel jealous or suspicious and would be doing all I could to reassure you. That would involve refusing your husbands offer of taking her daughter for the weekend and sorting my own childcare - even if it meant changing jobs.

Any woman with an ounce of sense would know this dynamic would have an effect on you and your kids, even if your husband is the one who offers. And if I were A I would be ensuring i was as close to you as a friend as she is with your husband so you can all have honest discussions.

Unless your husband is the father, A needs to realise she’s taken the piss for far too long. If she can’t afford to retire fully, she needs to retire from the police, get her pension and get a different job to fit around HER daughter. That would be the first thing I would do! But while ever you and husband are breaking your own relationship so she can carry on in a job SHE loves, she will.

Bronguin · 01/01/2023 11:52

You are entitled to feel jealous! It's telling you that something is wrong. I empathise with you, seeing how obtuse your DH is in the circumstances, but it's not your family's responsibility to sort out A's childcare, and it is your DH's responsibility to put your DC first.
Good luck, OP.

Cactusmad · 01/01/2023 12:01

Today is the start of a new year, I hope all the support on here gives u the clarity to put u and your kids first. I hope 2023 is the year u can step away from the other 2 . It won’t be straightforward as they are comfortable with the family dynamic. What u are feeling is correct, the situation is fishy.

SmokeyPaprika · 01/01/2023 12:03

I think you all need to sit round the table - A needs to divulge her plans for, hopefully, retiring soon - you need to point out that you ve done a lot of childcare and want to do less and that the DCs are jealous of the time B spends with A’s DD.
Other single parents manage something -about time A tried harder.
Just letting this run and run is nuts.

moonriverandme · 01/01/2023 12:21

When you hear hooves think horses not zebras. At the least an emotional affair has been going on for many years. I'd tackle it with your husband now or he risks alienating his own family for this godchild which he says isn't his, why would he do that?