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AIBU?

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Original poster

Who is being unreasonable? Helping out with childcare

329 replies

mortitiaaddams · 29/12/2022 23:57

A and B have worked together for 25+ years. Originally in a very intense 1:1 environment- think NHS. Now less so but still in the same environment. B is married to C.

B and C are godparents to A's DD. A had her DD while single. A didn't realise she was pregnant until very late and had no real plans for raising DD as a single parent. B promised to support her.

A's DD is now 8. B and C have gone above and beyond to help out with childcare since she was born, which can be very difficult because A and B's job involves shifts and unpredictable hours. C doesn't work, so most of this is done by her. B and C's older DC also often babysit, do the school run etc, and are paid by A to do this. A's DD is treated like part of B and C's family when with them. A has always been willing to step in with B and C's DC whenever needed over the years, but this has been much less as C has always been home with the DC.

B is very involved with A's DD- will go to all her sports fixtures, school plays, recitals etc. B and C's DC have started to resent this, because B often missed out on these when they were growing up. This was usually due to work at the time, but B now doesn't make the same effort to get to things for younger DC and DGC that he does for A's DD. C is no longer happy with the arrangement, feels that B is too involved with A's DD and they are having her too often.

A's DD has a sports fixture coming up and needs to be accompanied by a parent/other responsible adult. The fixture is a long drive away and will take up the whole weekend. B has volunteered to take A's DD, as she will be working that weekend. C isn't happy as she wasn't asked first. The sports fixture will likely be one of many next year.

C feels that B is putting helping out A and her DD above his own family, and wants A to sort her own childcare from now on. A and B feel that B and the older DC have been volunteering (and the older DC are being paid) and as long as B is happy to be involved, the arrangement should continue.

Who is being unreasonable?

OP posts:
AcerbicColleague · 30/12/2022 00:33

Oh my god, why with the A, B, C stuff?!

Murdoch1949 · 30/12/2022 00:34

Gave up. Too confusing with A, B, C etc.

TheCurseOfBoris · 30/12/2022 00:35

They are making a mug out of you.

Munches · 30/12/2022 00:35

worraliberty · 30/12/2022 00:06

Fuck that was difficult to read.

But I take it you are C and your husband is B and now you think he's too close to A for your comfort?

I feel like we've landed in an episode of Sesame Street.

😁😁😁

anerki101 · 30/12/2022 00:35

Murdoch1949 · 30/12/2022 00:34

Gave up. Too confusing with A, B, C etc.

It really isn't.

KatherineJaneway · 30/12/2022 00:36

SuperPup86 · 30/12/2022 00:26

B is the daddy. And possibly having an ongoing emotional or physical affair with A.

C needs to open her eyes.

Agree with this

PandasAreBlackAndWhite · 30/12/2022 00:37

B needs to sort his priorities out in a kind way without leaving A suddenly in the lurch. Think of a gradual retreat over the next few months.

C needs to stop being a pushover and could perhaps do a little more for A's kid if that suits.

How old is the kid now?

worraliberty · 30/12/2022 00:37

Murdoch1949 · 30/12/2022 00:34

Gave up. Too confusing with A, B, C etc.

A is the colleague who go pregnant.

B is the OP's husband who promised to support her.

C is the wife and the OP.

Dragonskin · 30/12/2022 00:39

In which case your DH/DP needs to give his head a wobble and realise that his partners kid and some long held 'promise' does not trump his actual family! If he won't, I'd leave him to play hero dad to the random kid, and he can see his actual children/grandchildren when they can be bothered to fit him in

Original poster
mortitiaaddams · 30/12/2022 00:40

A's family aren't in the picture.

I've met A's DD's dad and no parent would want him anywhere near their child.
I really do think if she thought there was any possibility her DD wasn't his, she would have said by now. But I have thought emotional affair over the years.

OP posts:
worraliberty · 30/12/2022 00:40

This also arouses my suspicion...

A had her DD while single. A didn't realise she was pregnant until very late and had no real plans for raising DD as a single parent. B promised to support her.

It's possible that they just didn't tell you until very late, once they'd worked out a plan for him to support her and not look like the father.

Greyarea12 · 30/12/2022 00:40

I know you have said he isn't but I do think B is the father to A's child and if I were you I would be looking to do a dna test.

TerraNostra · 30/12/2022 00:41

Sounds like the plot of a cop buddy movie.

SunshineAndFizz · 30/12/2022 00:41

mortitiaaddams · 30/12/2022 00:28

I am C.

A's DD's dad is trying to get access at the moment and A is trying to block it. I think if there was any possibility B was the father, she would have brought that up by now.

That's not really compelling evidence he's not the father.

You're not BU though, time to tell him to back off. The odd favour is fine, but this has gone way beyond.

FreezyWater · 30/12/2022 00:42

There has got to be more to this than you know, surely.

FreezyWater · 30/12/2022 00:43

But you are definitely not unreasonable to ask him to step back. You also need to start saying no to the childcare requests yourself.

minipie · 30/12/2022 00:44

B is way too involved with A and A’s DD especially since his own DC didn’t get that level of attention and his younger DC and DGC are not getting it now.

Honestly it is very hard to understand why B would act like this unless there is at the very least an emotional affair/work marriage type situation. If not an actual affair.

worraliberty · 30/12/2022 00:44

You admit you've thought they were having an emotional affair but not a physical one?

caroleanboneparte · 30/12/2022 00:46

I knew a situation like this.

It turned out the child was 'B's

If you've not seen a DNA test you have no idea.

Why on earth have you never demanded one?

I'd make it an ultimatum on staying married that they do the dna test.

Claretmum · 30/12/2022 00:46

B is either the Dad or is banging A I'd say.

MyDogStoodOnABee · 30/12/2022 00:46

who's the daddy? It’s B isn’t it?

Rosebel · 30/12/2022 00:46

I didn't find it hard to understand. This is very similar to a situation a friend of mine was in
Tell your husband to stop because from my experience it won't end well for him if A gets another partner. And tell him to stop unless he'd like his children to grow up hating him. The sport event is an absolute piss take.
Why doesn't your husband value your opinion? Did he maybe think As child was his? Okay he isn't the dad but unless he thought he was or might be why would he care so much?

Original poster
mortitiaaddams · 30/12/2022 00:48

A and DH are extremely close. We've fought over that a lot over the years, but it is common in their line of work.

Dh seems to believe that A did a lot to help out with our older DC when they were younger. She really wasn't. She helped out here and there, but honestly we didn't need her to.

OP posts:
kimchifix · 30/12/2022 00:50

Now read updates. This is a proper mess. You need to think very carefully about your next steps and the possible outcomes. What is most unacceptable is B putting A's DD before his own family, even if his own DC are somewhat older. Of course I'm intrigued as to the nature of their working relationship as I can't really see how this works. They work closely but not necessarily at the same times it would seem. If it's super intense are they both high earners? A needs a nanny and B has some explaining to do.

Dragonskin · 30/12/2022 00:50

He's making excuses OP, I'd want a DNA test to be sure

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