Who is being unreasonable? Helping out with childcare

[mortitiaaddams]

A and B have worked together for 25+ years. Originally in a very intense 1:1 environment- think NHS. Now less so but still in the same environment. B is married to C.

B and C are godparents to A's DD. A had her DD while single. A didn't realise she was pregnant until very late and had no real plans for raising DD as a single parent. B promised to support her.

A's DD is now 8. B and C have gone above and beyond to help out with childcare since she was born, which can be very difficult because A and B's job involves shifts and unpredictable hours. C doesn't work, so most of this is done by her. B and C's older DC also often babysit, do the school run etc, and are paid by A to do this. A's DD is treated like part of B and C's family when with them. A has always been willing to step in with B and C's DC whenever needed over the years, but this has been much less as C has always been home with the DC.

B is very involved with A's DD- will go to all her sports fixtures, school plays, recitals etc. B and C's DC have started to resent this, because B often missed out on these when they were growing up. This was usually due to work at the time, but B now doesn't make the same effort to get to things for younger DC and DGC that he does for A's DD. C is no longer happy with the arrangement, feels that B is too involved with A's DD and they are having her too often.

A's DD has a sports fixture coming up and needs to be accompanied by a parent/other responsible adult. The fixture is a long drive away and will take up the whole weekend. B has volunteered to take A's DD, as she will be working that weekend. C isn't happy as she wasn't asked first. The sports fixture will likely be one of many next year.

C feels that B is putting helping out A and her DD above his own family, and wants A to sort her own childcare from now on. A and B feel that B and the older DC have been volunteering (and the older DC are being paid) and as long as B is happy to be involved, the arrangement should continue.

Who is being unreasonable?

This is over and above friendship. It very much seems that A and B have or have had a relationship beyond friendship which has led to this situation

So B does more for A dd than he does for his own family that's crap am not surprised C is not happy, as others have said is B the father some sneaky affair going on? If not B should concentrate on his own family and help A out now and again.

This is very unconventional but it is lovely that your husband is stepping up and being a good role model / father figure to the child. He absolutely needs to address the balance but I think it would be cruel on the 8 year old to back off at this point.

she probably recognises your family as her own ( the 8 year old )

I think C needs to stop this arrangement for the sake of C's (younger?) children. It's not fair on C's younger children to make them be sidelined because B feels bad that A's dd doesn't have a nice dad. Also, B is treating A like his wife, maybe not sexually but it's still not ok. The least C can do is to stop being bullied into babysitting A's daughter. It sounds nice but it's essentially a sort of female cuckolding: C is being expected to do childcare for another woman who has negotiated her and her child being placed above C and B/C's children in the loyalty of her own husband B. A needs to get proper childcare that doesn't enmesh her with another woman's marriage.

This would be a dealbreaker for me if I were C. I would not put up with facilitating my own minimisation in my marriage so my husband could pretend that he's another woman's savior.

Your DH should be prioritising the feelings of his own family over the feelings of a "friend". It's wild that you've let this arrangement going on for so long. It's very unfair for A's child to have learned to rely on your DH like this. Like some kind of borrow-a-daddy scheme. He isn't free to be a surrogate father. He has his own unhappy child he needs to fix things with.

Why does your DH do so much , what does he say?

If A and B have worked for 25 years they are 45 years +? Did C know the situation before she married B.
Any family of two people and with DC would find weekend long sport fixtures difficult to juggle. There would always be one away with DD while the other adult and DC stayed at home breaking up the family.
Doesn’t DD belong to the local club where the parents take turns to ferry their children to and from places? Otherwise, it’s a case of the DD only being able to take part in the local competitions. We sadly have to learn we can’t have everything we want.

@mortitiaaddams I'm sorry but I think your DH has a foot in both camps and the pair of them have used you as a "Patsy". It's unclear whether the child is your dh's but I'd want a dna test for the sake of your own children.

This is neither natural nor just a friendship and worse you're doing all the hard graft while not being allowed to be part of their tacky little triangle.

I think you need to put on your big girl pants and face this down.

Hi - you mentioned that you’re C - in the scenario described you are not being unreasonable. B needs to tone it down and take a step back, and A needs to set a healthy example and be conscious of safeguarding. You are clearly sensible.

There is a lot of kindness on display here, particularly from you, C. How fortunate A and her DD are to know your family. You’ve all really leaned in to make the best out of difficult unanticipated circumstances for A.

But there has to be healthy boundaries. The proverb goes that it takes a village to raise a child. As A’s DD grows up and approaches adolescence, the support structure needs to adapt. And throughout there needs to be adherence to basic safeguarding principles.

Please don’t be offended that I raise safeguarding. I see kindness. There is a lot of vulnerability, though, which means boundaries have to be clear and healthy and mindful of safeguarding.

For me, B covering a weekend - for sports or not - is not appropriate from a cold safeguarding perspective.

No matter how close they are as colleagues, or how trustworthy B is, A’s DD is a vulnerable girl. One of the kindest and most valuable lessons she can be taught is what healthy boundaries look and feel like.

I think the work on that can begin now with an adjustment to the A/ADD/B dynamic, starting with B stepping back from this sports w/e. Perhaps for B it’s a transition from father type figure to an uncle type.

Might you and your husband change the setting with a break away or something to could talk it out and come up with a plan. A plan that identifies and prioritises different sets of needs (ie your family has the primary set of needs) and that establishes re-adjusted boundaries and roles that will keep things healthy.

Good luck C. You’re right about this. x

A is a CF and sounds quite pathetic. Your husband is either having an emotional affair, a physical one or has his priorities all wrong. I’d have lost my shit years ago. Honestly it would be an LTB moment for me if he wasn’t willing to focus on his own family more. I’m not suggesting the 8 year old is dropped but a normal level of interest by him backing off massively and you no longer assisting.

But I think there is a distinct possibility they are both completely playing you. I’m sorry.

A needs to look for alternitive childcare.
B and C need to allocate a set no of hours per month to as child and no more - say 4.

B and C need to prioritise their own children ASAP.
Once per month all enjoy a picnic or dinner out or a trip to the gardens etc. for old times sake.
B and C should only watch As daughter at sport sometimes and only if it is a fun thing for them to all do together with their own kids.

So did I. I found it so much easier to follow. I hope it does become the widely adopted approach even though so many complained 😅

Ha ha. Me too. Confused, not drunk (yet).
If you've helped others out, then it's a pity they can't do the sawm, but such is life. So, sorry OP I feel for you, but you're BU to expect childcare (assuming I got the gist of your post)

How old are your children? Which ones are happy with the status quo? The ones who get easy babysitting money?
You’ve said that some aren’t happy & have mentioned grandchildren, so are these your own children who feel that A’s children are favoured over theirs?

Too confusing

Who do you get the information on regarding the father and DNA and access? Is it possible it’s to obfuscate things? Either way - he is the father and obviously that’s a problem, or he is not the father, and that’s a problem. The letters here are not A, B and C but rather D, N and A.

Aside from all that - is there actual pushback from A about this - given you’re providing the childcare? Or is it seemingly coming from your DH?

Last question - have you ever wondered about the questions posted here - have you considered here’s the father, prior to this thread? Is it your gut or logic, or both saying no? And if you have considered it, even to discount it, even if it’s not true, then the fact you’re in a situation where it’s a thought that comes up is in itself a big problem.

I agree with most posters, it does look very suspicious. However the OP can't just demand a DNA test, this isn't the Jeremy Kyle show! If OP did do that A would likely rightly refuse, and both A and B would be shocked and offended, perhaps pushing them closer together with them both thinking OP had lost it. Maybe B would even leave C because of the accusation. Whether B is the father or there's been an emotional affair, that's not what OP wants.

OP you need to deal with your husband, not A. As the saying goes on here, you have a DH problem.
I feel for all the poor kids stuck in the middle of all this, the grown ups need to get their respective houses in order.

B needs to listen to their partners wishes.

Pretty obvious that B fathered C's daughter.

Had a scenario like that years ago at my workplace. Finally they came clean & made it work. Child just got married and "B" was in the father role at her wedding, with A and C both on his arm. Weird.

Rather, B fathered A's child.

feels like algebra

As an ideal it sound like a supportive set up, A is alone but has you, your DH and older DC to support her.

However, whether he is the actual father or not he has taken on the father role of A's DD. He has overstepped the mark as he is prioritising A's DD over his own younger DC's and also yourself (C) plus they are both taking you for granted.

Your DH needs to listen to you and prioritise you and his own DC's, it's not a case of whether he and A are happy to continue the arrangement this is about you and yours.

Is your DH in love with A? This has been going on for 8 years I imagine the DD is very close to your DH. What is your DH's reaction to his own DC's being unhappy and indeed yourself being unhappy too?

If B&C’s younger DC are feeling they aren’t getting enough attention from B, or that A’s DC is being put first over them, then B needs to spend more time with his DC.

B&C’s older DC may be happy to pick up some of the slack with A’s DC, as long as they are continuing to be paid for childminding.

(That is, if I’ve got all the As, Bs & Cs and the DCs right.

please OP, use made up names next time. ).

Which are the Dc who don’t mind helping out? The older ones who he didn’t go the their events due to work or the younger ones? It looks like you are upset you have not been consulted about DH doing for the weekend and I would be too. Who would take her if your DH can’t? Could one of your older DC do it and get paid?

It also seems like your younger DC are upset that DH doesn’t do the same amount of events for them? I don’t think it’s acceptable that he does less for them.

Who looks after A’s DC when she is at work on a different shift to your DH? Why do you need to look after her when they both work the same shift.

Yes, it's unreasonable.

The real question is why have you put up with this shit show fors o many years?

I would insist on a DNA test.

Argh what a mess. And that poor child is going to suffer if things unravel in the way they are likely to.

One, DNA test.

Two, if A is the parent then A needs to take primary parental responsibility. So with the weekend-long trip I'd be (as C, B's partner) saying no - A can do that, or the child unfortunately needs to miss out. No way am I staying home with two (four?) children) while my partner accompanies another person's child and knocks out an entire weekend, with the prospect of more weekends like that down the line.

If B turns out to be the father then some more formality is needed as to arrangements.

And if I were you I'd slowly start to take steps back in terms of what childcare/support I offer, under whatever pretence.