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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband just told me he wishes I was someone else

233 replies

FedUp2023 · 29/12/2022 23:42

Marriage not good at the moment. He’s very cold, unloving and secretive. He suffers ED so haven’t had sex for nearly 4 years, I’ve tried but been rejected and at very rare times he’s tried but couldn’t get an erection. He never shows me any affection. It’s always me who does but I’ve stopped too now.

today I tried to talk to him and asked him to tell me what he’s thinking. He said he wishes he was with someone else. In another universe he would want to be with a really “confident, in your face girl”. Whereas I’m “shy and anxious”. I’m actually very talkative but shy when I first meet people

it’s really upset me.

OP posts:
BreviloquentBastard · 30/12/2022 11:37

Hey OP I'm a confident in your face girl, give him my number and I'll make him feel an inch tall for you. He thoroughly deserves to be brought down several thousand notches.

What a cretin. You deserve better.

Ursuladevine · 30/12/2022 11:46

BreviloquentBastard · 30/12/2022 11:37

Hey OP I'm a confident in your face girl, give him my number and I'll make him feel an inch tall for you. He thoroughly deserves to be brought down several thousand notches.

What a cretin. You deserve better.

No one needs to be a “confident in your face girl”.

The OP alone needs to put her children at the forefront of her mind and get them out of this horribly toxic environment that has been going on for years and even involves perverted behaviour by their father.

what she needs to do is start carefully
planning her departure

Bleachmycloths · 30/12/2022 11:48

And stop telling your relatives your problems. They’re not supportive.

OppositeNumber · 30/12/2022 11:49

If you love him let him go as he isn’t happy with you.

If you don’t love him get away as he’s making you unhappy.

Sweetdreamss · 30/12/2022 11:50

Op in the kindest way, from your partner messaging other women to him literally telling you he would rather be with someone else I don't know what it's going to take for you to realise he doesn't want to be with you and has made it quite clear.

He obviously either doesn't have the care or balls to end it. But you are also majorly in denial or have your head in the sand when the guy is practically telling you to your face. Where is your self worth and dignity in all of this? Let it go. Its done. Let the guy find "someone else" and you find someone who bloody respects your company and you as person. Jesus.

IdisagreeMrHochhauser · 30/12/2022 11:57

Please leave him. He seems really damaged and it's not your job to fix him. He is classically blaming you for his issues rather than making any attempt to fix them himself. It's unlikely that he's going to suddenly change and grow.

Tiani4 · 30/12/2022 12:03

Being in a miserable unsupportive marriage with a cheater who is unloving, emotionally manipulative and hurting you as both his feet are out the door is far harder than being in your own with DCs. Infact it's a relief when you no longer have the big ugly smelly man teenager to look after and cheat up after too. It halves your work and you actually get days and nights off when he has them for contact.

Although it's tough living on one wage, even with minimal maintenance, but you might find it's a new lease of life a new chapter that you won't regret.
Get your ducks in order and make a plan as it doesn't sound like this is a marriage worth saving. And you can't save it on your own anyway.

DifferentYearSameShit · 30/12/2022 12:05

Wow, it's one thing thinking X is so confident and fun I wish B was like that, but to say it to your partner is just cruel.

Tiani4 · 30/12/2022 12:05

All of what I just say also applies double as he has ED for four years and has done nothing to resolve it.

He's not even good in bed. And an awful tw*t too.

StaunchMomma · 30/12/2022 12:06

Send the vindictive shit on his way, OP.

He's trying to blame his problems on you.

Don't let him.

Soothsayer1 · 30/12/2022 12:09

This man has very fragile ego and he is unable to accept or acknowledge his own failings, he can't cope with being so much the lesser person in this marriage and the only response that he has is to try and drag you down, try and crush you so that you are less than he is.
You must not allow him to do this to you!
He is a human being who deserves compassion and support BUT he is not willing to engage with it AT ALL.... instead he lashes out like a wounded animal, I think he's so triggered by his own inadequacy compared to you that he just can't cope and he would be better off without you.
None of this is your fault, you've done your best to help him but he will not engage.
I think you should separate yourself from him as quietly efficiently and painlessly as is possible, hopefully this will trigger him to get help for himself.

Ourlittleharmonica · 30/12/2022 12:16

I feel really sad for you that THIS is the thing that has upset you. He sounds disgusting and he should be thankful any woman ever gave him the time of day. Those emails are vile, he's vile, and he has the audacity to say he wishes he was with someone else?! The fucking prick. He doesn't deserve you and your children don't deserve to be stuck with that as a father. Please look into leaving.

Shadesofscarlett · 30/12/2022 12:18

please do not put more limits on this - you will find a job and save money. Then what? This is just delaying.

Honestly, lawyer up girl and get rid now. Do not waste another day of your precious life on this utter waste of space. Surely you know you deserve better than this?

BreviloquentBastard · 30/12/2022 12:27

Ursuladevine · 30/12/2022 11:46

No one needs to be a “confident in your face girl”.

The OP alone needs to put her children at the forefront of her mind and get them out of this horribly toxic environment that has been going on for years and even involves perverted behaviour by their father.

what she needs to do is start carefully
planning her departure

Show quote history

Thank you for taking my clearly light hearted response so seriously.

While I'm sure OP appreciates your glowing insight that essentially boils down to "LTB" of which she already has several pages of identical advice, I was simply offering a supportive nudge. Since she's clearly going through a horrible time and we are in fact humans who are sometimes not entirely perfect.

I'm sure you'd do absolutely everything right with no hiccups though.

dontgobaconmyheart · 30/12/2022 12:30

It shouldn't be like that and you shouldn't have to try like this either. He sounds pathetic and disgusting OP and it won't matter what you do because it's clearly very deeply ingrained. You cannot fix him, you don't owe it to him to try if this uis how he treats you. He won't be happy with anyone and anyone with an ounce of self esteem, confidence or sense wouldn't be interest in the army of red flags that come with him, he sounds like a sad little creep at best and sinister and abusive at worst.

He will continue to undermine your confidence and self esteem because it's the only method he seems to have that makes him feel in control or 'on top' in the relationship because he knows what he really is and can't get that feeling anywhere else.

Don't let him take these things from you OP, he's not your friend, he doesn't want the best for you and that is not the making of a worthwhile relationship. What he's said to you about wishing he could be with someone else he feels is the opposite if you is cruel and designed to make you question whether all of this is really your fault (it isn't) to prompt you to submissively pander to his unhappiness.

He needs to be cut loose and only then will you find yourself again.

Cactusprick · 30/12/2022 12:34

FedUp2023 · 29/12/2022 23:53

The thing is I’ve really tried with him. I’ve posted numerous times about him, I’m going to try and find my old posts and link here. But basically a brief run down if what I’ve dealt with over the years:

1)no support from his abusive mother, she caused me so much anxiety over the years and when I finally got pregnant with my eldest via IVF she made my life hell.

  1. I found private email account that he made using another name (I actually found lots not just one). I saw some sick things and mumsnetters at the time told me it’s called “findom” so basically he was emailing girls saying he will give them money and in return he wants to be their financial slave. I also found adverts where he said “free designer bag”, when firms messaged he said he “wants to lick them out in return for any bag they want”

he has never discussed the above with he. He starts crying.

not just these 2 incidences. There have been so many

Wtf!!! You should have left back then! This is awful. Please please leave him. He’s a dirty pig.

Purplechicken207 · 30/12/2022 12:35

Your children also don't deserve to grow up with a dad who's openly grumpy, starts resenting their mum, and does weird stuff on the Internet (which I believe often escalates, more weird). A minor point, but imagine what their friends and friends parents would think too, if that got out?! Your kids would be socially crucified

Ursuladevine · 30/12/2022 12:47

BreviloquentBastard · 30/12/2022 12:27

Thank you for taking my clearly light hearted response so seriously.

While I'm sure OP appreciates your glowing insight that essentially boils down to "LTB" of which she already has several pages of identical advice, I was simply offering a supportive nudge. Since she's clearly going through a horrible time and we are in fact humans who are sometimes not entirely perfect.

I'm sure you'd do absolutely everything right with no hiccups though.

Show quote history

A “light hearted response” to this issue?

Ok

Crackof · 30/12/2022 14:32

Ursuladevine · 30/12/2022 12:47

A “light hearted response” to this issue?

Ok

Show quote history

Well, I thought it was good ... a bit of leaven in the lump. If op doesn't appreciate it I guess it's for her to say so.

Yoyo2021 · 30/12/2022 19:32

Have you been to a solicitor yet?

Have you made your exit plan. Can you go to family / friends with the children? Or do you need somewhere to go?

You also need a plan to keep you and the kids safe when you do leave.

I know that the mumsnetters in this group will all pull together to support you best you can.

Please could you let us know if you are okay or need support.

Shunkleisshiny · 30/12/2022 19:35

CatchYouOnTheFlippetyFlop · 30/12/2022 00:03

Fuck the limp cock twat off. You deserve so much more.

If it was your sister/,mum/daughter married to this sack of shit, what would you tell them to do?

If it's ltb, why do you not feel your own worth?

💐💐

So this.

Original poster
FedUp2023 · 30/12/2022 21:51

Thank you all so much for the support you’re giving me. I did email womens refuge in my city today. I’ll call them if no response but as it’s holidays I’m not sure how quick they will be.

thank you @Yoyo2021 yes I’m okay right now. Just feeling really overwhelmed.

Thank you each and every person who has posted on here, it all means so much to me. I often feel that I should just put up with it and get on with life but it’s not normal, none of this is.

goodnight everyone x

OP posts:
GrowingToads · 30/12/2022 22:00

Get some rest and gather your strength op.

Goodnight lovely Flowers

Pixiedust1234 · 30/12/2022 23:36

Good for you @FedUp2023 . If ever you start to waver then thats the time to think if you can continue living and feeling this way for the next twenty years minimum. I'm sure leaving will happen at some point so do you do it now with a chance of 19yrs of happiness or in twenty years and no happiness at all? Keep that thought Flowers

Thats how I'm coping. I cant live with mine for another twenty years so its helping me to keep motivated at sorting out papers etc.

Yoyo2021 · 31/12/2022 00:40

@FedUp2023 I hope you sleep well . Please let us know that you are okay in the morning and how you are. Worried for you as New Year’s Eve. You’re so brave and strong.