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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband just told me he wishes I was someone else

233 replies

FedUp2023 · 29/12/2022 23:42

Marriage not good at the moment. He’s very cold, unloving and secretive. He suffers ED so haven’t had sex for nearly 4 years, I’ve tried but been rejected and at very rare times he’s tried but couldn’t get an erection. He never shows me any affection. It’s always me who does but I’ve stopped too now.

today I tried to talk to him and asked him to tell me what he’s thinking. He said he wishes he was with someone else. In another universe he would want to be with a really “confident, in your face girl”. Whereas I’m “shy and anxious”. I’m actually very talkative but shy when I first meet people

it’s really upset me.

OP posts:
Everydayimhuffling · 30/12/2022 07:57

Honestly OP what's the point of being married to him? He's not adding anything positive to your life and you are both unhappy. Time to stop trying and get out.

orangegato · 30/12/2022 08:03

Sure that loud confident girl would laugh at his floppy dick. Invite him to go find her 😀

Learningjapanese · 30/12/2022 08:10

He's destroying your self worth, don't let him obliterate all of it.

It's like ripping a plaster off. You need to do it but it's going to sting. After the initial shock you are free and can heal.

You can view it as a covert operation. He won't know and you can feel empowered knowing you are quietly planning, photocopying all important documents and financial paperwork. Seeing a solicitor and getting advice.

Take yourself off for a coffee or visit family and day dream about how awesome you are in making a plan to leave.

Just think of that life when you've left him behind. His problems can't be blamed on you anymore. He will still be a sad little pervert. You will have energy to focus on yourself and DCs and your esteem won't be eroded anymore.

I wish you every happiness OP and I'm rooting for you, I really am. You can do this.

Goodread1 · 30/12/2022 08:10

Hi Op
I totally agree with majority of census opinions here,🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮

you can be assured by being asute, and use his fantasy senerio to your advantage,
Get a shit hot good confident female lawyer promto,(fem domintrix senerio.
then take him to cleaners,rinse him for all he is worth, until he is begging you for mercy, like that pop song,years ago,(Ducky female singer.
Is he rich???
So becomes your financial Slave...

You can definitely turn this into Reality,!
not just dream
Sounds hell of a lot better,already doesn't it,

Also Op
Seriously,look into going into good therapy to find out,why you have put up with all sorts of weird Shit in the first place?

What has happened in your family dynamics background/ pathetic little twisted man's Snare, that has emotionaly, compelled you to be acctracted to a man like this and procreate with him.?

zen1 · 30/12/2022 08:14

He will never change. You deserve happiness and respect and you’ll never get it with this arsehole. If you don’t leave for yourself, leave for the sake of your kids.

Dinhop · 30/12/2022 08:14

Leave him! Find someone with a working penis and enjoy your life!

Aftersevens · 30/12/2022 08:18

It sounds like he’s blaming you for all his problems. It’s not your fault, he’d be like this with anyone.
He’s a coward and looking for a domineering woman like his mother so that he can abdicate all responsibility for his life.
I doubt he’ll ever change. Do you want to stay with a man like this?

ImBlueDab · 30/12/2022 08:19

I struggle to see why any woman, in your face or shy, would want to be with him.

Do yourself a massive favour and leave him

piedbeauty · 30/12/2022 08:20

Christ, how unkind.

I hope you replied 'I wish I was with a man who could fuck me'?

Thoughtful2355 · 30/12/2022 08:25

Sorry no sympathy for people who don't just leave. Your with a creep who doesn't love you either live with it and stop complaining or leave.

I know I couldn't be doin with all that rubbish

Opaljewel · 30/12/2022 08:34

Why on earth are you with this man?

I can actually feel him sapping out my happiness and I'm only reading your life.

How can you stay with someone who talks to other women like that? Saying they will get free bags if they let him lick them out ugh. 🤢 yet he won't touch you?

Mind you I wouldn't want him to touch me after reading that.

Surely you deserve to be happy and not put up with this? His tears are purely for himself not for you or your situation.

You're teaching your children this is what relationships should be.

Get your ducks in a row, start the process of separation and start to realise that life doesn't have to be like this.

dottiedodah · 30/12/2022 08:35

Look op life is short .do you really want to spend it like this.hehas been squashed by his overbearing mother.anyone in his face would have slapped him across it by now..

converseandjeans · 30/12/2022 08:41

I never say this but you need to get out of there ASAP.

He can be your financial slave. Honestly when you discovered the fake email addresses you should have gone. He probably needs something really obscure to perform hence the ED with you.

He's being unkind and then trying to make you feel guilty which is pretty manipulative.

Greenfairydust · 30/12/2022 08:42

You need to leave that waste of space.

This man is just dragging you down and has nothing to offer whatsoever.

Sparkletastic · 30/12/2022 08:44

Don't waste any more of your precious life with this lying, impotent pervert.

superplumb · 30/12/2022 08:52

Let him cry and be unhappy. He is manipulating you. You don't owe him anything. Leave leave leave. You will be so much happier out of this.

Mentalpiece · 30/12/2022 08:54

Tell him that you're granting his wish and pack his bags.

Bleachmycloths · 30/12/2022 08:56

His cock doesn’t work so he’s blaming you.

Sceptre86 · 30/12/2022 08:58

He's projecting his issues on to you. He's a creepy, good for nothing, waste of space. You should have left him years ago and yet had children with him. You post about him and people tell you the best advice to leave but you don't. You'll go on to post again about him but you won't do anything. It's not easy to leave, I get that but you can start putting a plan in place, reach out to friends family for support. There is citizens advice that can help with which benefits to apply for and other advice. It seems all you want is validation that he's the problem. Yes he is but what are you going to do about it?

Ursuladevine · 30/12/2022 09:04

it’s really upset me.

of all the many many many things in your life Op to be “really upset” about…. The fact that someone like this says something hurtful to you is probably towards the bottom of the list.

You have a lot to address and act upon. This? Well this should just be totally dismissed by you.

Ursuladevine · 30/12/2022 09:05

What a truly appalling home life this must be for your children OP

if not for yourself, please leave for their sake

Bleachmycloths · 30/12/2022 09:06

I have just read all your posts, OP. LEAVE HIM ASAP.

Crayfishforyou · 30/12/2022 09:08

It’s him not you.
Of course he cries, when he cries you back off and he can carry on being as toxic as he likes.
You can’t help him, because he isn’t attempting to help himself.
It’s time to stop thinking about him and his problems and think about you, and what you want. He isn’t going to change, so cut him out of the equation.

Alaldlccmemsjzja · 30/12/2022 09:09

well clearly you should wish he was someone else too

Out of the both of you, I’d imagine you’re the one with the better chance of actually finding someone else

Ursuladevine · 30/12/2022 09:10

2) I found private email account that he made using another name (I actually found lots not just one). I saw some sick things and mumsnetters at the time told me it’s called “findom” so basically he was emailing girls saying he will give them money and in return he wants to be their financial slave. I also found adverts where he said “free designer bag”, when firms messaged he said he “wants to lick them out in return for any bag they want”

so you posted about this on mumsnet
and let me guess…. Same as in this thread. The consensus was to leave him.

but nope… you went on to have more children with him instead.

FFS…. It’s pointless. No one should bother posting. OP won’t change a thing for her or her poor children.