Husband just told me he wishes I was someone else

[FedUp2023]

Marriage not good at the moment. He’s very cold, unloving and secretive. He suffers ED so haven’t had sex for nearly 4 years, I’ve tried but been rejected and at very rare times he’s tried but couldn’t get an erection. He never shows me any affection. It’s always me who does but I’ve stopped too now.

today I tried to talk to him and asked him to tell me what he’s thinking. He said he wishes he was with someone else. In another universe he would want to be with a really “confident, in your face girl”. Whereas I’m “shy and anxious”. I’m actually very talkative but shy when I first meet people

it’s really upset me.

I'm so furious for you OP, you don't deserve this. It sounds like he's dissatisfied with who he is, but he's ashamed of that so he deflects and convinces himself if he had a different partner everything about him would be different. What a scumbag.

Everyone here is that ght OP, he's a lost cause and sounds like a bit of a loser (the findom stuff).

As for wanting an in your face kind of girl... Sounds like they'd eat him alive, and not entirely sure someone who can't get it up is going to be high up anyone's list.

He doesn't sound like a catch and the relationship sounds over so I'd call it. He'll be in for a hell of a shock.

I'm afraid I would find it completely impossible to resist destroying him with an ED comment 😁 I mean, seriously, wtf would he even do with another woman? 😂

Make a New Year's Resolution to ditch the useless garbage 😃

Hes really done a number on your self esteem hasnt he.
This isnt a partnership. The man is a sad little limp dicked pervert. The dream woman in his head would not give him the time of day.
Tell him to keep dreaming, because soon thats all he will have left.
Please see a divorce lawyer, as I dont think theres anything salvageable here.

Sorry, I have only just read your first and second responses but from those you must insist that he leaves you. This man is neither a friend, lover or husband to you in any meaningful way. You sound lovely and caring and he is trampling all over that kindness. I'm so sorry, but from those two posts it seems clear that it is over.

You should put on your best doninatrix voice, tell him to transfer all his personal savings and any joint money into your solo account, and then tell him to fuck off and not to dare coming back.

Sorry but the ED is bullshit. he'll wanking himself silly to all his imagined scenarios of licking women out for a designer bag, or wanking over some dom porn.

the limp dick only happens because 1. he is fully spent on wanking and 2. you and the relationship do nothing in his head to turn him on. (and never will because you are not and never will be part of his imagined kink)

He is a true wanker, and awful person.

Just leave him

I think it is so easy to get swamped by the day to day grind of caring for sick children, sorting out work, house, bills etc that the upheaval of splitting with someone, however miserable you are, is just too much more to face when you are barely surfacing from daily life. Especially when DC are young and coming down with endless viruses.

But yeah, OP, you need to disengage from this man. He is dragging you down, and offering no support. How emotionally immature of him to be such a useless specimen and blame it on you. Can you find the confidence he so desires enough to tell him he needs to get his act together and take responsibility for his own failings?

This is not a partnership, this is hell. Please LTB and his ED. So much fun and passion elsewhere for you, I guarantee.

But to to go on to have more children
To actually endure IVF to have children with him
To start multiple threads on mumsnet

and still to do nothing - I find it difficult to think what sort of home life the children are growing up in

To go on to have more children with a man who seems to have very clear pervert tendencies

This right here! No one likes an ultimatum BUT this one while slapping him in the face with a spoonful of wake the fuck up can come from a place of love and caring. You need to look after yourself too! Children are resilient if they have a reliable reasonably happy home they will be ok but if you are broken too...

He sounds a right catch. Let him go and find his amazing girl, see how long she puts up with his limp cock and whining and crying. You deserve better.

I am surprised you can bear to be in the same room as him.

He sounds wet and entitled. He wants an imaginary full on woman but cannot do the act and cries at the slightest opportunity.

I would tell him to go off and find this woman! It's a New Year soon - I hope this is the year you sort things out for you and your DC and let him do whatever he wants.

How cruel of him. I’m so sorry. You want a man who loves you for who you are. What a bastard.

Get some legal advice and get the ball rolling. You don't need to tell him what you're doing but it's time you started to plan for your future and that needs to be without him. It sounds very much like you are doing everything on your own now anyway so life can only get better. Please take the advice on here and think forward. Life is too short.

I'm sorry you're feeling like this noone who truly loves you would want you to feel like this. His untreated ED is now his issue not yours. There are a load of great replies, the one asking if this was your sister's, mother's, friend's relationship what advice would you give them?

He has treated you appallingly. Utterly appallingly. Tell ol’ Limp Dick to fuck off. He’s bringing nothing but misery and rejection to your life. Is he giving away family money to random women online??

You don’t need him. Leave him to his revolting and sad online habits and start a new life alone. It sounds like you do everything for your children anyway.

I would possibly grant him his wish to be with someone else and try and build a new life for myself. This is no way for you to live! This is easy to say but not so easy to do.

There is nothing wrong with you OP.

His financial slave fantasies are about him and possibly just fantasies. It’s him offering no help whatsoever which would be a dealbreaker for me. That and then him crying when you atttempt a conversation with him.

If you do wish to try and stay with him, can you clearly tell him that unless he is prepared to talk, either directly with you or with you and Counsellor together, then you need to reconsider the relationship?

Why are you with him? Set him free so that he can go and find the type of woman he wishes you were - and you can find the kind of man who will respect and appreciate you.

Are you intending to leave him or waste your life feeling tormented? Make a plan 💐

Look up introverted narcissist. This is exactly what they do, attack and cry.

It's not easy but you have to leave him.

When your children show signs of being damaged by your set up you have to take equal responsibility. You decided to bring them into this and keep them in this. He has his issues, what's your excuse?

It is time OP. Time to make a decision for yourself. Do you want to continue in your life for the next thirty years? If not, then make plans to leave. If you think its not all bad then please seek counselling to help you cope and regain your self worth (and hopefully see the light).

What a vile manipulative prick.

Go find someone “in your face”, befriend her, get your fill of designer bags through her, and laugh at his sad little gimpy nemo fin all the way to the bank together.

seriously though, LTB. you’ve tried your hardest OP, don’t let him sick anymore energy from you.