Husband just told me he wishes I was someone else

[FedUp2023]

Marriage not good at the moment. He’s very cold, unloving and secretive. He suffers ED so haven’t had sex for nearly 4 years, I’ve tried but been rejected and at very rare times he’s tried but couldn’t get an erection. He never shows me any affection. It’s always me who does but I’ve stopped too now.

today I tried to talk to him and asked him to tell me what he’s thinking. He said he wishes he was with someone else. In another universe he would want to be with a really “confident, in your face girl”. Whereas I’m “shy and anxious”. I’m actually very talkative but shy when I first meet people

it’s really upset me.

Sorry OP but I don't think I've ever read a more obvious LTB.

Please don't waste any more of your life or energy on this..start planning a fresh start. You can do it. If not for you, for your children as this is a dreadful relationship for them to model

A confident in your face girl would tell him to do one and then he’d be alone so I can’t see how he would be better off?

You should tell him to do one too but you seem to pity him.

What's in it for you?
What are you getting out of this?
What do you deeply believe that you deserve in life?
Be honest with yourself.

It's better to be single than alone in a relationship.

Do you want this to be your life going forward? You can't change him and he's not changing.

OP
At times people say things they really feel but not wanting to hurt you.
Are you looking for an excuse to leave?

OP, you deserve so much
more than this. You really really do. What small steps can we help you take to focus on YOU and your needs. Could you get some counselling for yourself? Meet a friend for some wine and pep talk? However small the step we could be here to cheer you on. One foot in front of the other.

@FedUp2023 I'm so sorry you are going through this, I think from what you have said that this relationship might be over. If its not possible for you to leave him, or ask him to leave at this time, would it help to end the marriage in your heart and start to emotionally disengage from this man? you have to look after yourself and by staying attached to him is causing you so much pain, If and when you want to end the marriage offically it might be easier if you have withdrawn your love from him prior to having to deal with the practicalities of the divorce.

Yes, this is what I was trying to say. Can we support you on here. Help you disengage? Help with validating you and your feelings when he is makinf you doubt yourself? I'm rooting for you hard

Absolutely LTB. I have nothing else......

@FedUp2023 your first sentence says ‘Marriage not good at the moment.’. And then as the story emerges we can see your marriage has t been good for a while. If ever. Maybe when he was more discreet and you were still in denial or ignorance about what a dick this man is.

he’s never going to change or seek help to change. He doesnt need to as you appear to weak willed to leave him depute what he does.

why would you even want this vile man anywhere near you?

sort yourself out. Get some self respect. Make a plan. Leave.

Or live with this misery another 20 - 40 years and picture your lonely days together once the children have left home and he’s retired so is at home all the time.

It appears that you are not what he wants, and you do not want the person that he is. It is pointless to blame each other. Why do you stay together making each other miserable and unhappy?

You were right saying that he should not have married you if he wanted a different personality type, however, you should not stay with him if you want to be married to a different type of man. Neither of you likes the other.

A household with the underlying friction and animosity can hardly be a warm, healthy, or happy environment for your children.

Leave and free him to find his someone else and at the same time find for yourself the stress relief that will come when he is gone.

An unfortunate decision regarding marriage does not mean that either of you has to live forever in misery. Different personality types and different needs are not necessarily deterrents to good co parenting.

You will probably be better for your children by being apart. You life is not over it just needs to be redirected.

Oh dear OP. This sounds like it ran its course a long time ago. Time to put him out to grass so you can move on and be happy which clearly you are not, and if this were me.. I would have done something about it long before now.
He does not respect you and saying what he did like that means he actually blames you for his situation

My instinct was to say "leave" from your original post but when I read the backstory, I wanted to scream it!

I know it's never easy to get out of a marriage, especially with limited support & young kids, but seriously...you need to. As soon as possible, before this hideous excuse of a man destroys any self esteem & confidence you have left.

Confide in family/friends - don't be embarrassed or ashamed about anything - none of it is down to you! Just take all the help you can & GET OUT!

Good luck.

Is this thread some kind of spoof? The OP seems beyond doormat. Also OP is agreeing with responses but has said they’ve posted before about this husband so presumably got similar response. We have one life. I’m not saying it’s easy I’ve had a break up including children but OP needs to plan exit route. Husband sounds like mental health issues maybe created in part by mother. By all means support him but as a friend not wife. It’s horrible at the time but when you look back you won’t believe you left it so long. Husband is actually asking for a divorce. Accept!!

He’s disgusting. That made me feel physically sick.
You deserve much better. Time to start making plans for a new, single life?

Make 2023 your year & leave him.

He brings nothing to your life.

Thank you everyone. I have read every single post and yes it is hard for me to have the courage to leave but I do want to. yes I don’t want to post about him for the next 20+ years. It needs to stop now. I won’t have family support. My mum knows everything I’ve written here plus more but she encourages me to stay for cultural reasons divorce is a no no.

my sister’s advice has been to stay on the house but live my life on my own terms which I haven’t done.

I’m going back to work full time soon so hopefully I can save some money.

Thank you all for validating that it’s his problem. My parents make it out to be trivial and everyone has issues in their marriage.

I have always lacked confidence and self esteem so maybe that’s why I keep thinking I won’t be able to cope on my own.

If this is your decision then let it be that. Live in the house and live your own life and cut off from him emotionally. Tell him you are setting him free and mean it.

Hi op, my advice is to start looking out for yourself. Put yourself and your dcs first. Start putting money aside. Start making a life for yourself. Build up your friendship groups. Make an effort to talk to the other mums. Ask them if they want to go for coffee. If they say no that’s fine. Maybe next time they will say yes. Start doing what pleases you. Go out with your children, do not wait for your dh to make an effort because he won’t. Meet up with friends and do things for yourself. If your mil comes round go out. Don’t cook for her or your dh. Don’t make any effort. Eventually you might get the strength to leave but for now concentrate on baking yourself feel good.
Also if your dh thinks that some wonderful hot woman will be willing to take him on when he can’t even get it up, we’ll he can dream on!

Making not baking. Although if you enjoy baking then go for it!

Sweetheart, you are coping on your own now, valiantly.

It will be a lot easier without him weighing you down dealing with his shit.

I'm sure what every outgoing in-your-face girl wants is a morose impotent bloke to settle down with isnt it.

Not everyone has issues in their marriage.

Well, it's a step forward. The next conversation is " Shall we separate? lets talk about the best way for both of us".

You know he’s awful. You know you want to leave. Can you imagine how good life could be w out this awful man? Leave. Even if financially it will be hard. Leave!

Honestly - you seem so lovely. Your life is before you. But it’s later than you think. You DO NOT want to get to 80 having lived your life for this horrible person.

You may feel you don’t have the courage. But think of the countless women who have been you - scared, unhappy, unsure. Think about how they found the courage to leave. Think about how they went on to live their own lives free from the squalor of some fucker man’s disgusting behaviour. My mother is one of them. And I am so proud of her. I am so grateful for the strength it took her to live free. Stand on their shoulders. Live your life.