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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect them to put the heating on?!

260 replies

womanontheedge2022 · 29/12/2022 23:01

DH and I have just got back from 2 nights with our oldest friends. We are as close to them as family for context. We have been absolutely freezing for the entire 48 hours! One of them just refuses to put any heating on. He has form
for this but has got worse. He has always been extremely tight, improved slightly with age but sometimes reverts to type. I get that heating is far from cheap atm but there are no categorically no money issues and it was sub zero, worse than camping. We asked him repeatedly to put heating on, even offered to contribute but he is stubborn and dug his heels in. We nearly went home. His other half is always diplomatic but I'm sure agreed with us! AIBU to expect a bit of heat in December in a draughty old house Mumsnet?!!

OP posts:
GracieLouFreeebush · 30/12/2022 09:40

BIL is like this, I have cold induced asthma so avoid going as much as I can in winter. He sits under a duvet in the living room but offers nothing to guests. We’ve had wood in the car to offer to put on his fire but he always reassures us he is warm enough with his blanket. When DP told him we were freezing he says oh it isn’t that bad.

We went on Christmas morning and I coughed and spluttered the entire time.

BiasedBinding · 30/12/2022 09:46

“Pleased to see that A few others like me popped up on here…seems us polar bears are very rare.”

not that rare if there are a few of you on this thread alone. Probably as rare as the people who can’t tolerate lower than say 25C

stemthetide · 30/12/2022 10:11

Yes I've noticed people getting extremely competitive over how frugal they are with the heating. This largely seems to be the pensioner generation, so they can grumble about how wasteful the young are and feel all high and mighty about sitting shivering like Scrooge.

Makes a change from the usual threads moaning about the incredible and unbearable heat at older generation's houses.

Competitive frugality among people who can well afford to use heating is just a bore, whatever age they are.

UnctuousUnicorns · 30/12/2022 10:21

My husband has an aunt like this, lovely in other respects, but no heating on when we've visited in winter. We've only stayed a few hours, but it's miserable. I don't like an overly warm house - our thermostat at home is set to 17° daytime and 10° overnight, with our bedroom radiator off completely at night. But sitting in someone else's cold house - fuck that. Last time I went and sat in our car, which was warmer, and where we at least keep blankets for cosiness.

I now refuse point blank to visit her house again in winter and have told my husband that. The older I get, the less shit I'm prepared to put up with, and sitting freezing my tits off when I don't need to is included in said same shit.

AngelicInnocent · 30/12/2022 10:24

12 just seems ridiculous. I work outside mainly but am currently in the little office I have for doing paperwork.

It's 14 degrees and I'm comfortable but I am dressed for being outside. I've taken my hat and gloves off but am wearing thermal tights with socks over and jeans on the bottom half. Top half is vest, t shirt, long sleeved cotton top, sweatshirt and fleece (currently unzipped).

I just wouldn't want to sit around my home like this though.

When I get home, I have a shower, get my pj's on with socks and slippers and either an oodie or a warm dressing gown on. Am comfortable then at 17 degrees while I read, watch TV etc. Bedrooms will be 15 to 16 degrees. Overnight, house will drop a couple of degrees.

TooManyEggsInTheBasket · 30/12/2022 10:30

We stayed with well off friends who kept turning the lights off in deepest winter in a Victorian house.

Playing with children with lights on (so no light from tv) and found myself in half dark!

Same friend who went completely overboard on the alcohol (we'd made clear we'd contribute but hadn't set a limit) and then handed us a massive bill.

Didn't visit again!

BringMeTea · 30/12/2022 10:32

Can't bear parsimony and shit hosts. I would be rethinking the friendship tbh. They don't care about you.

PineCone74 · 30/12/2022 10:34

Anotherbloomingchristmas · 30/12/2022 07:51

For those saying they don’t mind very low temperatures are you not worried about the damage to clothes and furnishings? When we bought our home it had been un heated and shut up for a while and the leather sofas were covered in green mould.
We have a log burner which is lit from getting up until 9pm everyday in winter. Our thick stone walls absorb the heat and the room stays warm all night.
Have just been away for Christmas and our hosts kept the house comfortably warm. However nothing compares to my toasty sitting room.
Also all of the anti log burner people have gone very quiet since the energy crisis.

The ‘anti log burner’ people may only have ‘gone very quiet’ because they are sensitive to the fact there is a crisis and it may be the only form of heating people have right now! It doesn’t mean there is not a problem with (some) log burners environmentally.

LadyFlumpalot · 30/12/2022 10:36

I have Raynauds syndrome and the body heat regulation skills of a lizard so absolutely could not bear sitting in someone's house at 12 degrees, my hands and feet would be permanently white and oh so painful. Have just got back from a couple of days at a family members house where there thermometers are set at 16 because that's how they like it.

Luckily, because they are good people who understand that I can't stand being cold, they popped an oil filled radiator in my bedroom and provided extra blankets and a hot water bottle. They also don't mind me camping in my off brand Oodie on their sofa. 🤣

My own house is set to 18 because that's the temperature the rest of my family find agreeable.

snowsilver · 30/12/2022 10:38

If you host someone you provide drinks and food, you cater for their preferences and diets and try to ensure everyone enjoys the meals. Heating is the same.

3WildOnes · 30/12/2022 10:41

I vant believe people are comfortable sitting around in 12 degrees. I would be very uncomfortable. What are you wearing inside? It's about that outside right now and when I walk the dogs I'll be wearing a jumper coat and hat. I think my house is about 17 right now and I am wearing leggings, slipper boots and an oodie type jumper.

JudgeJ · 30/12/2022 11:17

RampantIvy · 29/12/2022 23:14

it’s currently 12 degrees and we are not cold.

Are you a polar bear?

That would be far too cold for DH and me, and we would be sitting with our coats on and still feel the cold. And yes, we would go home. 12 degrees is 4 degrees less than the legal minimum for working in an office.

My house is 14 even with no heating on, the insulation must be poor to get so cold!

Crikeyalmighty · 30/12/2022 13:08

Anyone else get annoyed by this 'we' that's constantly used- because I can bet your last dollar this is more of a case of 'me' and others going along with it

SchnauzerEyebrows · 30/12/2022 13:14

Forestwalks · 29/12/2022 23:11

Everyone has their own preferred temperature they like their house at, do you know what the temp was in their house? What do you usually have yours at in your own house?

We are not really heating people in our home, it’s currently 12 degrees and we are not cold. Heating hasn’t been on since the snow a couple of weeks back.

If you don't keep your house at least 14-16 degrees in the winter, your house will develop damp. When I was privately renting, over the period of 19 years I lived in 6 different properties and it was in each of the tenancy agreements that I was to exude the property remained 14-16° and to make sure that if we go away, that it does not ever go below 12°. If they discovered we'd broken this stipulation then we'd be found in breach of the tenancy agreement and evicted.

SchnauzerEyebrows · 30/12/2022 13:18

BCxx · 30/12/2022 00:52

Sounds awful! Can’t believe they weren’t embarrassed into putting it on when you actually said you were cold. I went to visit my friend’s newborn a few weeks ago with my toddler. All that sticks out from my visit was how utterly freezing her house was! I was staring at her baby, who was just in a sleep suit and no blanket as I was holding her, and I was just thinking how cold she must be 😭 As soon as we got in the car I was so glad to get the heating on. Her boiler just packed in during that really cold time there and I think it must be because she doesn’t ever put the heating on and it was frozen. We have the same, well-paid job so I wouldn’t imagine it’s a financial issue. I would personally rather go without so many things before I’d want to sit in a cold house, especially with a newborn ☹️

Please call social services Sad

BloodAndFire · 30/12/2022 13:21

LadyFlumpalot · 30/12/2022 10:36

I have Raynauds syndrome and the body heat regulation skills of a lizard so absolutely could not bear sitting in someone's house at 12 degrees, my hands and feet would be permanently white and oh so painful. Have just got back from a couple of days at a family members house where there thermometers are set at 16 because that's how they like it.

Luckily, because they are good people who understand that I can't stand being cold, they popped an oil filled radiator in my bedroom and provided extra blankets and a hot water bottle. They also don't mind me camping in my off brand Oodie on their sofa. 🤣

My own house is set to 18 because that's the temperature the rest of my family find agreeable.

I also have raynauds but this year I've been slightly heavier than usual - my bmi usually hovers around 18.5 - 19 and this winter it's more like 20.5.

(This translates to weighing around 9.5 stone now at 5 ft 8, vs more usual weight of 8 st 10 ish)

While I strongly dislike being fatter and a lot of my clothes don't fit properly, I have to say I have found the extreme cold a lot easier to tolerate this year at a normal weight than i usually do at borderline underweight, and my raynauds has been much less severe.

Obviously I don't know if this applies to you, and I'm still going to try to lose it, but thought the info might be relevant x

GasPanic · 30/12/2022 13:27

SchnauzerEyebrows · 30/12/2022 13:14

If you don't keep your house at least 14-16 degrees in the winter, your house will develop damp. When I was privately renting, over the period of 19 years I lived in 6 different properties and it was in each of the tenancy agreements that I was to exude the property remained 14-16° and to make sure that if we go away, that it does not ever go below 12°. If they discovered we'd broken this stipulation then we'd be found in breach of the tenancy agreement and evicted.

Show quote history

This is an over simplification. What makes your house damp is when the air is too cold to hold all the humidity you produce. Then the water condenses out preferentially on cold surfaces.

I keep my house generally below 14C and it's fine - because it is very dry as I use dehumidifiers and have a large space to person ratio. I also don't do things like dry clothes on the radiators, and prevent humidity from showers/baths going into the house.

A lot of people think the solution to a damp/mould problem is to heat the air up inside the house so it holds more water. This is not the optimum solution. The best solution is to remove the excess water/humidity so it can't condense out, and heat to an appropriate lower level.

I think part of the reason peoples stated temperature tolerances vary so much is because people don't factor in the importance of humidity. A humid house (80% +) at 16C will often feel worse than a dry house (40%) at 12C.

Using heating to tackle a humidity problem is both inefficent and expensive. People are starting to realise this, hence the demand for dehumidifiers. Generally it is much more cost effective to keep your house dry to prevent damp than it is to keep it at high temperature.

MrsSkylerWhite · 30/12/2022 13:31

18 is too hot for us, it’s 16 here which is just right.
12 is too cold.
are you sure they don’t have money issues? Maybe invite them to you next time.

LadyFlumpalot · 30/12/2022 13:41

@BloodAndFire - it's a fair point. The only time I haven't been plagued with it was when I was pregnant and carrying around the baby weight. Mine tends to be set off more by thermal shock though (a cold steering wheel in winter, a cold bathroom floor after a hot shower or picking up a bottle of milk in the shop) - although extended cold temperatures do exacerbate it and make it worse.

DifferentYearSameShit · 30/12/2022 13:47

Why does the one doesn't want the heat on always "win". Fuck that. You don't need the heating on 24/7, close the doors, heat for as long as need to be warm then turn it off. It's not going to cost 000s for half an hour

BiasedBinding · 30/12/2022 14:09

I am absolutely certain (going by people I know who are overweight) that at 12C most people of any weight will feel cold

ichundich · 30/12/2022 14:12

I wonder what the 12C brigade use to measure the temperature in their homes; is it their heating thermostat by any chance? In which case it's about as reliable as a Catholic condom.

thingumybob · 30/12/2022 14:38

ichundich · 30/12/2022 14:12

I wonder what the 12C brigade use to measure the temperature in their homes; is it their heating thermostat by any chance? In which case it's about as reliable as a Catholic condom.

I had the same thought. We have a thermometer sitting on top of our thermostat and it fairly consistently reads 1.5C higher than the thermostat.

As has been pointed out above, from a health perspective the ideal is 18C, below 16C increases the risk of respiratory illness and as the temperatures decrease blood thickens, heart rate increases, blood pressure rises, the blood supply to the brain reduces and the risks of stroke and heart attack increase. 12C is not a good temperature for maintaining good health and nobody should be made to feel like they are being unreasonable for wanting to be warmer than that.

The competitive underheating on MN is as bad as the competitive undereating. It worries me that people will read that and try to live with 12C temperatures because they feel like they are being unreasonable in wanting to be warmer. It would be putting their health at risk.

Forestwalks · 30/12/2022 14:57

thingumybob · 30/12/2022 14:38

I had the same thought. We have a thermometer sitting on top of our thermostat and it fairly consistently reads 1.5C higher than the thermostat.

As has been pointed out above, from a health perspective the ideal is 18C, below 16C increases the risk of respiratory illness and as the temperatures decrease blood thickens, heart rate increases, blood pressure rises, the blood supply to the brain reduces and the risks of stroke and heart attack increase. 12C is not a good temperature for maintaining good health and nobody should be made to feel like they are being unreasonable for wanting to be warmer than that.

The competitive underheating on MN is as bad as the competitive undereating. It worries me that people will read that and try to live with 12C temperatures because they feel like they are being unreasonable in wanting to be warmer. It would be putting their health at risk.

Show quote history

Please can you quote where you think someone is implying that they are not turning the heating on due to being ‘under heating competitive’? I am struggling to find any such post?

All I am seeing is people preferring different temperatures in the home just like people prefer different foods/drink/cars etc

BiasedBinding · 30/12/2022 17:00

ichundich · 30/12/2022 14:12

I wonder what the 12C brigade use to measure the temperature in their homes; is it their heating thermostat by any chance? In which case it's about as reliable as a Catholic condom.

I have a room thermometer (not thermostat, a real one) in a couple of rooms, as I have said previously. So you need wonder no more.