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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect them to put the heating on?!

260 replies

womanontheedge2022 · 29/12/2022 23:01

DH and I have just got back from 2 nights with our oldest friends. We are as close to them as family for context. We have been absolutely freezing for the entire 48 hours! One of them just refuses to put any heating on. He has form
for this but has got worse. He has always been extremely tight, improved slightly with age but sometimes reverts to type. I get that heating is far from cheap atm but there are no categorically no money issues and it was sub zero, worse than camping. We asked him repeatedly to put heating on, even offered to contribute but he is stubborn and dug his heels in. We nearly went home. His other half is always diplomatic but I'm sure agreed with us! AIBU to expect a bit of heat in December in a draughty old house Mumsnet?!!

OP posts:
SpicyFoodRocks · 30/12/2022 08:57

I am from a culture where the guest is very important. So I would always put the heating on to my guests’ needs. I can’t believe your hosts made you so uncomfortable.

Legallypinkish · 30/12/2022 08:58

@Forestwalks we are the same. It was on all day when we had that very cold snap but we’ve only put it in for a couple of hours in the evening since when everyone showers or baths. We live in the South though and Christmas Day the back door was open nearly all day as it was so warm with all the cooking.

LadyVictoriaSponge · 30/12/2022 08:59

Blueborage · 30/12/2022 08:16

Leaving aside the issue of the vile smell of mothballs, are the people who find 12 degrees comfortable fat? I feel I may have to name change after this because it's just not PC to suggest that a thick covering of fat has definite insulating properties. Or possibly quite a lot of Viking ancestry?

I was thinking the same.

SpicyFoodRocks · 30/12/2022 09:00

freeandfierce · 30/12/2022 00:04

The temp in my house is 13-14, I looked after my friends children this week so ensured I put the heating on to 18 before they arrived. I was sweltering but it was important to me that they felt welcome and warm in my home!

This is the behaviour of a decent host. I think so many people simply do not know how to look after guests and are quite selfish.

CharityShopChic · 30/12/2022 09:02

You can also be the sort of person who likes a cool bedroom with the window open, and never heats the house overnight, but who doesn't like being cold during the day.

The only night we've closed our bedroom window so far this year was when the temperature was -6. and even then the door was wide open to let air through. The temperature in the bedroom overnight, when i'm fast asleep, is probably 12-13. But that doesn't mean i'm happy with 12 during the day.

Theheartmustpausetobreathe · 30/12/2022 09:03

The thing about wearing layers/oodies etc to keep warm - the clue is in the
keep.
It's not much good putting stuff on after you've become cold.You need to be warm in the first place .

RampantIvy · 30/12/2022 09:04

They have the thermostat at 28 degrees

I like warmth but that is ridiculous.

You can also be the sort of person who likes a cool bedroom with the window open, and never heats the house overnight, but who doesn't like being cold during the day.

That is us. We don't have the heating on at night. We have frost protection so it would have to be extremely cold for that to kick in.

BiasedBinding · 30/12/2022 09:04

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 30/12/2022 08:50

But it's true. On general thinner people will feel the cold more, they have less padding.

Thin people's subcutaneous layer lacks adipose tissue, but fat people's subcutaneous layer contains adipose tissue, which functions as an insulator and keeps the body warm. As a result, thin people feel colder than fat people.

Show quote history

Agreed but even at 12C most overweight people will be chilly

vivainsomnia · 30/12/2022 09:05

Our house is cold for most people but we are fine with it. We are very active and much prefer hit water bottles and extra layers than the stuffiness if heating.

However, if people are visiting, I ask them if they are ok and if cold, we definitely put the heating on. It's part of hosting and would be very rude to leave guests freezing.

TortugaRumCakeQueen · 30/12/2022 09:06

I had a friend like this. Absolutely loaded money wise, big gorgeous house, but when we visited one December the heating was off. It was FREEZING, you could even see your breath. Dinner was miniscule and wine not often refilled. Never been back.

RampantIvy · 30/12/2022 09:06

The thing about wearing layers/oodies etc to keep warm - the clue is in the
keep.
It's not much good putting stuff on after you've become cold.You need to be warm in the first place

Yes. This ^^

People who live in cold houses and say "just put a jumper on" don't understand that the it's the ambient temperatu that needs to be warm enough. If I get so cold that I am shivering, no amount of layering up will warm me the way that just putting some heating on will.

RampantIvy · 30/12/2022 09:07

temperature

Morghulis · 30/12/2022 09:08

It doesn’t matter what you like your house at, if you have guests over you should have the heating on at the generally accepted level of 18-20 during the day at least. If you can’t afford to then prior warn your guests so they can come prepared or don’t host during winter months.

SpicyFoodRocks · 30/12/2022 09:12

icelolly12 · 30/12/2022 08:36

Someone we know seems to take pride in not having the heating on.

Yes I've noticed people getting extremely competitive over how frugal they are with the heating. This largely seems to be the pensioner generation, so they can grumble about how wasteful the young are and feel all high and mighty about sitting shivering like Scrooge. This is despite the fact that a lot of the most frugal I know are wealthy and get winter payments to help with the cost! (I know not all pensioners are wealthy and many will be frugal out of necessity which is awful).

The media is also largely to blame- many people are now terrified to so much as switch a lightbulb on or boil a cup of tea.

I would just go home where I can have my own heating on as and when I feel like it.

Yes there is definite competitive under
-heating going on!

And I agree with the fat thing mentioned by pp. I am thin and have always felt more cold than my bigger friends.

Anyway, as others have said, it’s about looking after your guests. I have had the opposite problem in the past. My house has been too warm for guests and I have turned the heating off and sat shivering, to ensure their comfort! It’s not martyrdom; it’s being a good host. It’s good to see so many here agree. Temperature comfort is as important as ensuring guests have enough food and drink. Though some people don’t do that very well either!

simbobs · 30/12/2022 09:14

I have been following this thread with interest. Our thermostat is set to 18°C and on a timer, so it is on for an hour in the morning and I usually override the afternoon timer and put it on in the afternoon when it starts to feel cool. It is about 12° in my garage, not a temperature at which I could sit and read, or chat to friends. What do your friends wear in the house? This is an outdoor temperature and most people would be wearing coats. Wearing thick outdoor clothing indoors, when not dictated by economic circumstances, is frankly weird, but that is their business. To subject visitors to the same is inhospitable beyond belief, especially when you had made clear your discomfort. Are you sure they want to remain friends?

SpicyFoodRocks · 30/12/2022 09:14

TortugaRumCakeQueen · 30/12/2022 09:06

I had a friend like this. Absolutely loaded money wise, big gorgeous house, but when we visited one December the heating was off. It was FREEZING, you could even see your breath. Dinner was miniscule and wine not often refilled. Never been back.

This kind of hosting is so joyless. My husband has a sister like this. Wealthy but so stingy with everything. I hate going there. My family have far less but will keep you warm, feed you abundantly, and make sure you are looked-after in every way.

Nolongera · 30/12/2022 09:16

I saw the title and knew this thread would have loads of

" well we are warm enough at just above 0C With a frozen penguin shoved up our arse" replies.

The vast majority of people aren't and if you have guests you should be looking to make them comfortable.

Original poster
womanontheedge2022 · 30/12/2022 09:18

Thanks everyone, responses are interesting! I think partner is fine, he is laid back and has become used to it. I have repeatedly pointed out though that it's not great for him. There's definitely a pride in managing without and refusing to pay the extortionate prices. I'm finding the temperatures that suit people interesting and I think he does struggle with a warm house. He says his mum does too so I suspect there's a bit of overhang from growing up. Interestingly they're both very thin, presumably because bodies are working hard to stay warm! I was lolling at the north/south comment. This is a house in the north with a proud northern owner!

OP posts:
Leftbutcameback · 30/12/2022 09:21

Even if they prefer being cold there needs to be a compromise to be hospitable. My in-laws house tends to be cold but they know I feel it more, especially at night, and always make sure it’s warmer for me. They are kind people and good hosts.

At 12 degrees I would not have stayed, it gets into your bones and I can’t sleep or stay warm even after warming up.

Heronatemygoldfish · 30/12/2022 09:23

My DH calls me the icecube woman. I have Reynaud's and it's quite spectacular when it's cold enough for my hands to go white... I adore skiing and being outside in winter too, which is doubly unfortunate. If I'm not moving/sitting at a desk I am very uncomfortable if it's less than 18C and preferably 20C, but I'm learning to live under a duvet and DH now works sitting in a sleeping bag and he's the warm one... but if we had guests we'd certainly not expect them to do that!

Happy new year whether you're an icecube or a polar bear!

Tempyname · 30/12/2022 09:30

We have heating off (except when it snowed) at present as we wear warm layers of clothes and use heated blankets which are brilliant - but absolutely do put it on for guests around an hour before they arrive. You can’t expect others to wear long johns or use blankets. That said we take long johns when visiting just in case as we wouldn’t ask people to put on their heating for us either. Most good hosts will notice you shivering and say ‘are you cold, shall I pop on the heating?

Forestwalks · 30/12/2022 09:32

Going to step away from this thread as being quoted a lot and not in a good way.

Yes my family are not big heating people, we find it too much and quickly become too uncomfortable if it’s on for a period of time. I usually get headaches as well if the heat gets too much. I like a window open for a little bit of air during the night as well. This is just my preference.

We host family and close friends and it’s never been a problem, as I have said already a couple of times on here, mostly people invite themselves over and usually we find it hard to get rid of them😉 no one has ever complained they were cold and if they did then of course I would put the heating on for them. It’s also not them just being polite not saying anything as it’s very much a open door policy and home from home treatment when here.

I commented asking what temp the op likes and what was the temp where they were staying as everyone feels comfortable in different temps - as this thread as shown. The op felt cold and yes that’s terrible hosting as the heating should have been put on for them.

Everyone is different - it would be bloody boring if we were all the same - I’m not in a competition to see how low I can get the temp of my house to and as for why do I bother living in a house and not live in a shed or a tent as someone commented…🙄

Pleased to see that A few others like me popped up on here…seems us polar bears are very rare.

TheOrigRights · 30/12/2022 09:33

Nolongera · 30/12/2022 09:16

I saw the title and knew this thread would have loads of

" well we are warm enough at just above 0C With a frozen penguin shoved up our arse" replies.

The vast majority of people aren't and if you have guests you should be looking to make them comfortable.

This.
Hosting doesn't mean having people in your home and then treating them like shit.
Even if you like your home at 12C, if you are hosting you should swot up on the social norms (if you don't know them), and see that most people like it warmer and either make it so, or tell your guests in advance so they decide not to come bring duvets to sit under.
If you are unable to do that then you don't invite people over.

It's slightly different when you stay with your parents or ILs cos it swings more to "their house, their rules" but then that also gives the guests more room to discuss (as you do with family) or just leave.

HunterHearstHelmsley · 30/12/2022 09:34

My Grandad never used to have the heating on but has decided this year to have it on from 7am - 9pm. I go there for a warm when I'm WFH. His bill is bonkers.

I get sleepy when I'm cold. I wouldn't visit someone who didn't use the heating as I'd just fall asleep.

EllaPaella · 30/12/2022 09:35

Morghulis · 30/12/2022 09:08

It doesn’t matter what you like your house at, if you have guests over you should have the heating on at the generally accepted level of 18-20 during the day at least. If you can’t afford to then prior warn your guests so they can come prepared or don’t host during winter months.

I agree with this. If you are hosting you need to provide a comfortable environment for your guests.

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