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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To still have not forgiven my dad for leaving us?

577 replies

buildingourdreams · 29/12/2022 17:08

I am 25 now and have 2 dc of my own. When I was only 10 my dad suddenly left us, me and mum had our suspicions that it was this younger girl he worked with although he denied it. He moved in with friends into a house share, (I mean who leaves their family for a house share in their 30's, tragic.) Mum wanted him back, we all did. so after a few months he did agree to come back at one point but it was obvious to everyone he did not want to be there and this only lasted a few weeks until he upped and left again. This time for good. Weeks after, he finally admitted to Mum he had a girlfriend and low and behold it was this younger girl who we are pretty sure he would have been seeing the whole time. After this I used to see him most weekends for about a year but eventually I told him he would have to choose between having me in his life or his girlfriend, he chose his girlfriend. So I refused to see him anymore. They were engaged in about a year at the most then had a new daughter only 2 years after he left us (I mean wtf who even does that), and got married shortly after. Mum said it was literally as soon as their divorce came through, disgusting.

My "dad" is still married to OW and has two girls one is 13 and one is 8. and also OWs son who is now 16 so what a nice happy family. I used to look at their social media all the time, OW's and the older kids. But now I have them all blocked as it makes me too angry. He used to pay child support until I started work and emails me every so often, and sends me money for my DC birthdays and my birthday and Christmas. I did tell him when I was pregnant and when my LOs were born and I sometimes ask him for money (😳 ) but I don't want anything else off him.

DH thinks I should at least talk to him as I never got his side of things, he had similar with his dad and after a difficult few years reconciled a few years ago, now they are best mates. But his dad did not betray his family by having a brand new set of kids, he is with the same lady but never married. I just think too much water has gone under the bridge though and especially now I am a mum I will never understand how anyone could leave their own kids. But what if I regret it one day?

OP posts:
Kpcs · 29/12/2022 17:13

He left your mum, not you. Making a parent pick between a partner or you is terrible, unless their partner is abusive towards you of course. What your dad did wasn’t a nice thing but at the same time if he wasn’t happy at home he shouldn’t stay there.

TennyTroo · 29/12/2022 17:14

I lived with my parents until I was 10, when Mum moved out to divorce him.

He engineered full custody and I had no contact with her for 2 years. Then when I was 12 he told me he didn't love me, I was a waste of space, a rotten apple, and he threw me out the house.

He drove me to my Mums (still hadn't seen her for 2 years) and I've never seen him again or had any contact. I heard he re-married and had more kids.

Some parents are arseholes. Why would you regret not being in contact with an arsehole? He's continually put himself first and acted selfishly, I wouldn't want to make amends.

Merryoldgoat · 29/12/2022 17:15

Your father had every right to end a relationship he didn’t want - his obligations to you were separate to that.

He obviously went about it the wrong way and I would have a great deal of difficulty in forgetting that, but it’s unreasonable to say he should have left his girlfriend unless she was in sone way abusive etc.

Other parents would not have made the choice he did - I wouldn’t, so I’m not agreeing with his choice, but it doesn’t make your demands reasonable and he should have fought to maintain a relationship with you regardless.

However taking money, asking for it, whilst ignoring him isn’t something I would do.

If you don’t want him in your life that’s fine, but I think taking money and gifts therefore is distasteful.

Dacadactyl · 29/12/2022 17:20

My parents have been married for 40 years. I would never forgive one of them for having left the other while i was growing up and breaking up the family. They are the adult and barring abuse, i think a childs right to a stable home trumps an adults right to "find their one true love". And then going on to have a new family with someone else? Nope. I'm with you OP.

moita · 29/12/2022 17:21

You've got one life: forgiveness is so much healthier than bitterness.

2chocolateoranges · 29/12/2022 17:29

No one should stay in a relationship they aren’t happy in, it affects everyone. life is too short to be unhappy.

we have to remember our actions have consequences. Your dad didn’t want to be with your mum and left, the consequence is it fractured the relationship with you,

you told your dad to pick between you and her the consequence was he picked her.

Aprilx · 29/12/2022 17:29

I didn’t go through a parental breakup so I don’t know what it feels like but I can certainly imagine it was not nice. But I do think you would benefit from reconciling with the past, your anger after all this time seems disproportionate. It really isn’t at all unusual for people to have second families.

JanBabiesBrummyMummy · 29/12/2022 17:29

OP, in the kindest possible way, I think you're very unreasonable. Nobody deserves to be trapped in an unhappy relationship.

Yes, your dad leaving hurt you. Yes, it must have felt terrible. But, it sounds like he did try to maintain a relationship with you, he paid for you and tried to keep in touch.

On this forum we see people giving advice to women all the time to leave their unhappy relationships. Men should be afforded the same.

I think you've been a bit mean to 'the kids' as you've called them. These humans are your siblings. What have they done to you? Also, why would you ask him for money?

If you were a friend of mine, I'd encourage you to try therapy to help you work your way through these feelings so you could move forward

MohairTortoise · 29/12/2022 17:31

This sounds like it has effected you OP far more than your father.
Holding a grudge is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.

You've spent more than half of your life feeling angry and bitter at your father.
It's time to let it go, for your own sake.

How does your mother feel now? Has she forgiven him?

JanBabiesBrummyMummy · 29/12/2022 17:35

Also wanted to say that I don't think your mum has come out of this well either. Why was she discussing her worries of an affair with you if you were only 10? Parental alienation is child abuse

amijustparanoidorjuststoned · 29/12/2022 17:36

Eeeek. OP, very gently, can you just clarify something - you made him choose between you and his new girlfriend as a child, you feel huge resentment towards him but still ask him for money....?

I can't begin to imagine the hurt you must have felt as a child, but YABVU. I say that with kindness. Perhaps you should see a therapist to try and work through the resentment.

SecretVictoria · 29/12/2022 17:37

YABVU in asking for and taking money.

Your DF had the right to leave a relationship he wasn’t happy in and start a new one with someone he was happy with. Who does that? Millions of men and women every day.

ThinWomansBrain · 29/12/2022 17:41

You are an adult, with children of your own - do you not think it's time to grow up and move on - and stop asking for handouts from someone you clearly dislike?

Let's hope that your own relationship remains perfect so that neither you or your partner needs to leave.

Martialisthebestpup · 29/12/2022 17:41

If you never want to see him again OP I think that’s fine. It’s equally fine if you’re starting to feel like you would like to see him.
I do think you would benefit from some counseling - not as a way to forgive or to see how you could let him back into your life - just as a way of helping you process the pain so you don’t have to feel it so strongly so often.

AuntiesWoodenLeg · 29/12/2022 17:41

As someone who has been through an almost identical scenario to you, I would gently suggest you try to find a way to make peace with him. My father also left, then came back, then left again and it was clear his heart wasn't in it for the period when he returned. I was nine when he left for good and I was around your age (in my 60s now) before I finally began to see things from a point of view other than my own resentful one.

Once you understand where he was at while all this was happening, you'll start to see that nothing is ever black and white and there will be many things that you don't know, possibly will never know. You may even be able to forgive him, and that would be very good for your own peace of mind.

Re. your half-siblings, don't resent them. They didn't choose this any more than you did. My father married the OW exactly six weeks after the divorce, and precisely 9 months later they had a baby. Then a few more after that. Yes, I felt pushed out and ignored, but I was a child then. Again, as adults we should view these things from an adult's perspective.

I think you are old enough to stop being the resentful child and start being the understanding adult, and try to take a philosophical view of where you all are now. The situation won't change, but your attitude towards it can.

A grudge will eventually rot the pocket you carry it in, so please offload it as soon as you can, and forge a relationship with your dad that doesn't revolve around his money. The fact that you've posted about this shows that that's not really all you want from him.

MelchiorsMistress · 29/12/2022 17:42

No, YANBU. It is incredibly hard to begin to forgive when the person that hurt you hasn’t yet acknowledged or apologised for the pain they caused. Not impossible, but very difficult. I think these things often come up again for adult children when they have their own children and it’s not fair for others to expect you to just let it go and pretend it never happened because your feelings are valid.

I agree with the therapy suggestion.

Original poster
buildingourdreams · 29/12/2022 17:43

@JanBabiesBrummyMummy

I think you've been a bit mean to 'the kids' as you've called them. These humans are your siblings

I wish them no harm but they are not my siblings....They are nothing to me. They are half siblings I guess, but half comes from my dad, and they do not count in the same way as my brothers do (Mum had two sons when she met my "dad")

OP posts:
WhiteFire · 29/12/2022 17:43

In the nicest possible way you sound like you are stuck at age 10 in regard to this. As a pp said some therapy to unpick it all may be beneficial, not necessarily to be able to rebuild a relationship with your Dad but to help you move on, you've been carrying this around for a long time.

MadMadMadamMim · 29/12/2022 17:43

I think you are very unreasonable and still behaving like a hurt 10 year old.

It's sad that he and your mother split up - but frankly, he fell in love with someone else. You have no real idea of what was going on between him and your mother, or what their relationship was like. The fact that he is still with his girlfriend 15 years later shows that they were serious about each other. He continued to pay maintenance - it was YOUR choice to cut him out your life, and I imagine he was sad about that.

Seriously - as an adult, do you actually think it was fair or reasonable after he'd been in a relationship for a year with someone to announce that he could have her OR you in his life? No one should be blackmailed by a child, and whilst I understand the childish impulse that made you do that, it's time to grow up now. He's not actually done anything wrong, and despite your behaviour has continued to love you and support you and your children.

LindorDoubleChoc · 29/12/2022 17:44

It's all a bit messy and I fully understand the ambivalent feelings towards new half siblings. My father had 3 more children with his second wife when I was in my teens and early 20s. He for some reason just assumed I would be delighted and love them Confused.

HOWEVER, as has been said by a few pp, you are totally and utterly unreasonable to have this attitude towards your father and yet ask for and accept money from him. That is truly shameful and awful.

housemaus · 29/12/2022 17:46

Is this a reverse?

He left a marriage he wasn't happy with, moved into a housing situation he could comfortably afford til he got back on his feet, paid his child support (as he should, but lots of dads don't!), contributes financially other ways, and had a child with his new partner. All completely normal things.

I wonder if your recollection of the 'he chose her' after your ultimatum is accurate, too. It doesn't sound great in your telling of it and I'd maybe be angry he didn't realise you were being a dramatic 11 year old who needed telling they were being unreasonable, but at 11 years old I also think you were plenty old enough to understand that parents divorce and sometimes meet new people.

Basically: you need therapy or some help getting over what sounds like a fairly normal life experience thousands of kids go through each year, because you have not adjusted well to still be so angry about it now. He didn't 'betray' you - millions of people have children in a second marriage, that's life.

And 'still ask him for money lol' - so you're happy to hold it over his head that your parents divorced and he had the audacity to be happy and move on, but also happy to take money off him.

WhiteFire · 29/12/2022 17:47

How did your Mum and him meet originally?

housemaus · 29/12/2022 17:47

Dacadactyl · 29/12/2022 17:20

My parents have been married for 40 years. I would never forgive one of them for having left the other while i was growing up and breaking up the family. They are the adult and barring abuse, i think a childs right to a stable home trumps an adults right to "find their one true love". And then going on to have a new family with someone else? Nope. I'm with you OP.

You think someone should stay in an unhappy marriage until their children are 18 because that would be a better thing for the kids??

Unhinged.

Dacadactyl · 29/12/2022 17:55

@housemaus you don't have to like my opinion.

Im curious...how many times is it ok for someone to leave a relationship when there are children involved then? 2 times, 3 times, 5 times?

Or are there no limits to how many times you can leave a family behind in your pursuit of happiness?

MintJulia · 29/12/2022 17:56

Op, you sound like you are still 10, and repeating your mum's views. At that age things are black and white. But there are always shades of grey.

Only the two people in a marriage really know what goes on. It is likely that your parents' marriage was not happy and he felt unable to carry on with it. He left your mum, he didn't leave you.

You have family who want you. You could meet them discreetly without upsetting your mum.