To still have not forgiven my dad for leaving us?

[buildingourdreams]

I am 25 now and have 2 dc of my own. When I was only 10 my dad suddenly left us, me and mum had our suspicions that it was this younger girl he worked with although he denied it. He moved in with friends into a house share, (I mean who leaves their family for a house share in their 30's, tragic.) Mum wanted him back, we all did. so after a few months he did agree to come back at one point but it was obvious to everyone he did not want to be there and this only lasted a few weeks until he upped and left again. This time for good. Weeks after, he finally admitted to Mum he had a girlfriend and low and behold it was this younger girl who we are pretty sure he would have been seeing the whole time. After this I used to see him most weekends for about a year but eventually I told him he would have to choose between having me in his life or his girlfriend, he chose his girlfriend. So I refused to see him anymore. They were engaged in about a year at the most then had a new daughter only 2 years after he left us (I mean wtf who even does that), and got married shortly after. Mum said it was literally as soon as their divorce came through, disgusting.

My "dad" is still married to OW and has two girls one is 13 and one is 8. and also OWs son who is now 16 so what a nice happy family. I used to look at their social media all the time, OW's and the older kids. But now I have them all blocked as it makes me too angry. He used to pay child support until I started work and emails me every so often, and sends me money for my DC birthdays and my birthday and Christmas. I did tell him when I was pregnant and when my LOs were born and I sometimes ask him for money (😳 ) but I don't want anything else off him.

DH thinks I should at least talk to him as I never got his side of things, he had similar with his dad and after a difficult few years reconciled a few years ago, now they are best mates. But his dad did not betray his family by having a brand new set of kids, he is with the same lady but never married. I just think too much water has gone under the bridge though and especially now I am a mum I will never understand how anyone could leave their own kids. But what if I regret it one day?

Your DM is really coming out of this story badly, she has poisoned you and left her daughter without a father. And yet it sounds like she had previously done the same as him, left a relationship with children? Maybe not a surprise he left her (her, not you).

Well, who else would it be from? We were both there when he abandoned us.

Your dm did the same thing left a relationship she wasn't happy in and had dc and went in to have more yet she's OK and your fathers not because he did the same. The double standards because he's male is shocking.

It looks like your dad was unhappy with your mum, left her and found someone who wasn't just a quick fling, but somebody he remained with and had two further kids with. He tried to remain in contact, and gives you money, but you have him an ultimatum. I think he sounds pretty normal, from an outsider's pov, but obviously not from your perspective which is very understandable. If you want to cut contact that's your right, but don't keep asking him for money in that case.

@Godlovesall26

Did your mum encourage you at all to keep seeing him ?

She said it was entirely my choice and if I did not want to see him then that was up to me.

He didn't abandon you. He saw you for 12 months before you gave him an impossible ultimatum

My mum has always been here though for all of us. And my brothers dad has always been in their lives too

Did your brothers tell their dad if they didn't split up with his new partner they wouldn't see him again?

You are carrying a lot of anger, resentment and bitterness OP and that is not good for you and seems to be denying your children any relationship with a grandfather who, whilst a flawed human being, does not appear to have done something so bad as to be excluded from their lives.

I say the above as a woman who was cheated on and is now divorced. My DC from that marriage did not take it well at the time but I tried my best to encourage a relationship with their dad as it was (and is) the right thing to do. It was really fucking hard at first (although we didn't split up directly after his affair was discovered only after I realised I could not really trust him properly after an attempt to reconcile) because I just wanted him out of my life and was still hurt by his actions. However, that is what being a parent in these situations is all about.

OP. Take a step back and calmly read the messages above from start to finish. A lot of well meaning advice. Time to start the process of letting your resentments and anger go. It is tough. Good luck.

But you are the reason you have no relationship with your dad. He left your mum, not you and youw ere the one who pushed him away.

Your mum obviously let you know way too much that was going on and it coloured your view of your dad.

I sympathise completely OP as my ExH left for the OW. But my children were never my confidents, I’ve never relied on them for the emotional support I needed at the time. That’s why I had therapy, so that I didn’t project my sense of betrayal onto our three children.

You were 10. You went through a really difficult time, and so did your mum, but (I hate to be brutal) I don’t think your mum helped.

I honestly believe that parents can project a lot of their anger onto their children in these situations. I’ll never forget hearing my mum say to a friend (in my earshot) that basically my dad didn’t love me. And it took years to appreciate that this simply wasn’t true.

I really think some counselling/therapy might help.

I wish you all the best OP

It sounds like he would have been in your life if you'd wanted him to be.

Your dad was there for you too until you issued him a ridiculous and frankly unfair ultimatum. You need to reframe your thinking and let it go. Your dad didn't abandon you, he left his marriage.

So your mum was allowed to leave, a relationship she was not a happy in but not your dad?

It sounds like your DM parentified you by confiding in you about adult problems when you were not an adult, effectively using a child as an adult confidante. It’s understandable that this happens when parents are having a hard time, feel angry and isolated, but it is wrong to do this to children. It’s very damaging.

I can see how at age 10 you’d have seen it as your dad choosing his GF, as 10 year olds think in those simple black and white terms. I’ve seen plenty of threads on here where it’s usually the stepparent/partner posting that the children have given an ultimatum. And the advice is usually to hold an adult boundary and not give a child the power to break up an adult relationship, because that is an unhealthy amount of power for a child to have. Your dad did not behave well at all, but he also held an adult, appropriate boundary by not giving in to an ultimatum issued by a 10 year old child. A good parent will be there for your feelings (even if your child is angry with you) and will listen and reassure you they’ll always be there for you, whatever relationship they’re in. But they won’t allow their children to give them ultimatums like that. He was right not to do that, although it sounds like he did not handle it well. A child acting like that is a sign they are extremely hurt, vulnerable, angry, sad, and in need of support, and I feel sad for you that you were not supported when you needed it, by either of your parents. It sounds like your mum did her best and stepped up in many ways when she was left to care for her children, but she also didn’t emotionally support you age appropriately either.

I don’t know what attempts dad made to re-establish contact, to let you know he missed you and wanted you to be part of his life, etc., if any?

Sometimes I think I could have eventualy forgive him if he had of only left once. Ie if he had not have left for months and then come home for that time. Giving us all hope then walking out for the second time, that did it I think.

So you’re happy to take his money but you don’t want him in your life? Classy 🙄

did you ever ask your mum to choose between seeing you and her new boyfriend?

if not, why not?

why can your mum see someone else and remarry but not your dad?

Op I'm so sorry your dad walked out on your family the way he did. It is evident he wasn't happy and needed to go, maybe he came back to try make things work for your sake, and it just wasn't to be. Two happy parents is far better than 1 or 2 miserable ones staying together for the sake of their children. It is kinder on dc to separate in these circumstances.
I don't agree with your dad if he had an affair and moving straight on, that would have been very traumatic as a child. I suppose the only saving grace is that your dad is still with the same woman and now has dc, it wasn't just some fleeting fling which would have been worse.
As a pp says your dad wasn't leaving you he was leaving your dm. I feel it was very unfair of you to ask him to choose between you and his girlfriend who has been with for a considerable amount of time. Your post comes across as immature and stuck in time; as another pp said maybe these views are your dm's and repeated over the years.

I find it wrong that you take money off your dad when you don't wish for a relationship. I feel you should forgive your dad, don't let your dm's feelings towards him affect your own.

Surely your mum takes some of that blame though? Why have him back if she knew his heart wasn’t in it?

He tried, it didn’t work. Your mum must have known it wouldn’t work but did it anyway because it’s what she wanted.

Your father didn’t leave ‘us’, he left your mother. He also didn’t abandon you (does that phrasing come from your mother?).

Your mother thought it appropriate to discuss her husbands possible affair with her 10 year old and by the sounds of it tell said 10 year old that her father had abandoned her by leaving his marriage when the version of events you have given (seeing him every weekend, him paying child support) makes it clear he did nothing of the sort.

Was she also the one who suggested the ‘new partner or me’ ultimatum? That doesn’t sound like the sort of thing an 11 year old would come up with on her own.

I’m not sure her version of events is the most reliable bearing in mind the rest of her behaviour.

There are women on this thread that have gritted their teeth and made sure their children have a good relationship with an ex partner who has behaved badly because they care more about their children than revenge on their ex. I’m sorry your mother didn’t feel the same but I think a start to healing would be to realise:

1. There are two sides to the story
2. You are getting a very one sided version of events
3. Your mother has also behaved badly in the split by using you as a weapon against your father.

I don't blame you one bit. My dad left my mum and I completely understand how you feel. I agree with previous posters that adults sometimes have to act like adults and take their responsibilities seriously, not leave for another younger model. However, instead of thinking in terms of forgiveness, I think you should think in terms of moving on, and what's best for you. Agree that therapy might help. But you never need to have anything to do with him again - he gave up any rights to you and your kids when he left. And to posters saying they're surprised you take money from him - why? Money is the least he owes you. It's almost certain that your quality of life suffered as a result of him leaving - it's hard to regain the benefits of a comfortably-off childhood, but you can try.

Your Mum is as much to blame for that time as he is. It would have been worse if he stayed out of duty.

As have been said, therapy to work through these feelings, and learning to separate their actions from you will probably be very beneficial for you.

You will never be able to move forward (in which ever direction) when you are still dealing with the 10 year old you and all the baggage dumped on you at that time.

OP I get that you are hurt by your dad's abandonment but you said you were seeing him every weekend before you gave him your ultimatum which I think was unreasonable of you to ask. Had you accepted the fact that you're parents are no longer together but you still are a part of your dad's 'new' family, you could have been part of a successful blended family, the same way your brother's were as they are not your fathers children but still maintained a relationship with their dad as you said, and accepted your father and you as the 'new family'. You could have been part of your dads new family, been there for births of your siblings, birthdays, xmas etc and really felt connected despite the circumstances, but you chose to be resentful to the fact that your father had a new girlfriend.